You know how 1DH said he's been trying his best to "prove" to me that he's telling me the truth, no more TTs for almost a month? And I wasn't convinced he was telling me the truth, even though everyone was telling me how sincere he sounded in his posts and answers? Well, I was right all along...he was lying.
Also, you remember how he's said in his posts that he was immediately sorry and remorseful for sleeping with that prostitute? Yeah, he was lying about that as well.
While searching for something unrelated yesterday online, I accidentally stumbled across a review from an escort website that 1DH wrote two days after having sex with the prostitute, detailing everything he did with her and boasting about it. Oh, I know the exact dates now: November 10th, 2011 he had sex with her while I was out of town for work. I found out I was pregnant with our son two days later on November 12th. He went back and posted more comments to that review on November 14th and November 20th, after we knew I was pregnant. In all of his comments he was boastful and proud of what he did, stating he was "a long time lurker of the website", but that he was "glad he waited to pop his [sex with a prostitute] cherry her."
Here's the TT -- he says he remembered he had posted that review, he just didn't want to tell me. And of course the review clearly details everything he did with her...so I learned that he was lying about that, too. He initially told me it was very mechanical, they didn't do "this" or "that", but his prideful review clearly states that they in fact DID do "this", "that", and more!!! What else will I learn about tomorrow?...or the next week? Or the next month? I just can't trust that he'll ever be truthful with me. He obviously does not want to R with me.
I have no reason to live anymore.
You are young and smart and pretty. You have everything to live for. He is not the sum of your parts.
Hang in there!! ((great big hugs))
I can only imagine the incredable pain you are feeling right now. I am sure you are devastated and I am so sorry. You have experienced a serious betrayal but this does not define you or your life!
Please seek out help in your community if you are feeling suicidal. Do not let your husbands actions steal any more of your life, you will go on to find peace and happiness. We all will. ((Hugs))
I've been where you are. I hoped I would die so the pain would stop.
There are a million reasons to live, it's just hard to see through all the hurt right now.
Focus on breathing, and if you feel like doing something dangerous call a suicide hotline immediately. They understand exactly what you're going through and can help you.
He. Is. Not. A. Reason. To. Live.
YOU are. YOU are special and important. Keep posting, we'll help you through this.
[This message edited by Jrazz at 7:57 PM, September 15th (Sunday)]
For last year's words belong to last year's language
And next year's words await another voice.
And to make an end is to make a beginning. - T.S. Eliot
I stayed with him and fought against my own instincts to leave because I so desperately wanted to believe that he wanted to change and not hurt me anymore. But he continues to hurt me by TTing to save his own ass! Even though everyone on SI has warned him about TTs, and he has even given that advice to others about not TTing, he is still doing it!!! Like I mentioned in other posts previously, he talks a very good game...tells everyone what they want to hear, appears to be on the upswing...and then BAM! Something new comes out that proves he's been lying all along. I am going to throw up again.
There are so many things waiting for you, wonderful things. Don't let this hurt you anymore!
The sea is so wide, and my boat is so small.
I have fleeting thoughts sometimes of just giving up but they are fleeting. if you can't see any light through this pain i also think you should call someone or a hotline if you have no one to call.
please don't give up.
we don't want you to give up. hugs.
TT is to be expected.My SAWH's latest episode of TT was 4 weeks ago. I keep feeling the same as you - what else is he not telling me. Is he willing to consider Sex Addiction therapy? (I'm sorry if you already detailed this in other posts). Supposedly part of the SA treatment is that they work on a disclosure statement which details their acting out history. My H hasn't been talking about this at all...so I am not sure if he is working on it. Maybe a way to approach it is to write your own disclosure - of all the times now you are looking back and realizing he was bullshitting you. Intersperse this with life events: November X, I find out I am pregnant, November Y he writes a review. It will demonstrate in a linear way how F'ed up his state of mind was (still is?). I did this and shared with MC in a one on one session. Haven't yet shared with SAWH.
At any rate...good luck. I hope you can find some peace (you and me BOTH!)
Are you in IC? Is he? Are you in MC?
It sounds like he needs to write a Timeline with everything he can remember, and then keep it a living document to which he adds more as he remembers it.
You have a lot to live for, but sometimes it may be hard to see. If you are feeling suicidal, please get seem help. There are many options available in most communities around the U.S.A.
Your focus right now should be on you- letting yourself mourn what you have lost (what you thought your M was, who you thought your H was, etc). And then on what you want- in your life (how you want to live, what really matters to you) within a M (your requirements for R and what constitutes a healthy M for you) etc. Work on you first, and see if your WH deserves to come along.
Be gentle with yourself. Try to do something that you enjoy today, and give your kids some extra love.
Married for over 14 years
2 beautiful boys in elementary school
I got to the point that I realised that it's fucking horrible. That they hide the trickle truth because they don't want to hurt you, or they are ashamed, or they don't want to remember.
I gave up and realised that I was never going to know everything. If you stumbled across it that is ridiculous, I simply can't believe it.
The other thing I would advise is keep off the wayward forum. Or at least keep off eachother's threads (don't read them), it only deepens the pain.
lol, I was so horrible to the waywards I got banned I am obviously not proud of that. BUT I have been so much! happier since not reading their threads!
They are here and ofcourse deserving of help (please waywards don't hate me!) but I recommend as it seems from what you described, that he is an active member. You are only going to get more hurt.
Like I mentioned in other posts previously, he talks a very good game...tells everyone what they want to hear, appears to be on the upswing...and then BAM! Something new comes out that proves he's been lying all along.
I find the worst part for me was the lying. Is he honest about other things?
(because if he isn't... IMHO... what's the point?)
[This message edited by lauren123 at 3:42 AM, September 16th (Monday)]
I get that WS routinely have conflict avoidance issues.....but why couldn't humanity trump that better?!?!?
I am convinced TT'ing is actually more hurtful then the physical act of sex that took place in a WS affair.
Can you take some time and go on a road trip? Nature has an incredible calming affect on me.....early on I went to the Great Smoky Mtns....it was awesome. I have a mini trip to nature in my near future and am looking forward to it.
If you get in a bind and need to talk to a real person....call the 800 suicide prevention hotline....I called it once....they do help.
Saying a specific prayer for you now.
Peace be with you.
Like another poster stated....allow yourself to mourn....
I was 5 months past DD before the lying stopped. Never did get a timeline.
I visit the wayward forum occasionally....note several WS urging others to stop TT'ing.
I am convinced that this wisdom can't be past to another...it simply has to be learned the hard way by each WS doing it, seeing and feeling the pain they inflict on another person, then stopping.
It is highly likely your husband is still in the "fog"....yet another painful but apparently unavoidable path away from adultery. Please read on this if you have not already.
[This message edited by blakesteele at 11:36 AM, September 16th (Monday)]
I, too, have never felt lower in my life...and it was caused by someone I chose to love and trust....and still desire to chose to love and trust her.
There are reasons why betrayals lead the betrayed to act crazy...as my counselor has repeatedly told me...."Adultery is crazy making stuff!".
The key is to find something...that one thing that can get you to coast through the craziest parts WITHOUT reacting to the insane stimulus that it is.
Through poor choices, people committ murder, suicide, take their kids and run out of state, drink and do drugs to excess, lose their jobs, sacrifice their self respect...all because of this trauma. Personally, I engaged my wifes AP on his front porch late at night after I discovered the affair went underground. By the grace of God her AP was scared to death and did NOT engage or antagonize me in any way! So I am not immune from being influenced by this crazy stimulus.
To put this in context...I read a real life account of a person who survived being in a Nazi concentration camp...an experience she classified as "horrific"....and later her husband committed adultery. She classified that experience as "The most painful and traumatizing experience of her life".
I relay this to you so you will know you are NOT crazy for feeling as you do.
BUT....this person survived both of these horrific, traumatizing experience. In fact, her and her husband R through his affair. People do THIS all the time too.
I want you to know you have a choice here...the power is yours to control your destiny. Do NOT give your husband any more power over you...he only has it if you give it to him.
I am praying for you today. May Peace find its way into your heart in sufficient quantity to help you float and NOT make any life-altering decisions until the heat of the moment passes.
God be with you.
[This message edited by blakesteele at 11:42 AM, September 16th (Monday)]
But it's almost like he's doing it on purpose now just to hurt me!!!
Yeah, I thought this way too.
Gently.....The fact is...WS are weak and have enlisted poor coping skills to deal with "life", and have not realized it yet (the fog).
I am convinced this is their way of continuing their fantasy that they are "in control". They have rationalized all morality out of their life during the course of their affair and it is painful for them to realize this....so they are frantically trying to make sense of their senseless actions.
So they don't TT to intentionally hurt us....they, in the twisted logic of post-A WS mind, think they are still in control and are trying to NOT hurt us anymore. It, like their affair, is not as it seems to them...but they have to learn this on their own.
And unless WS are true narcissist or pshycopaths, they WILL learn it. They have a choice too....they can react to the extreme circumstances they created and bail on the marriage...thus avoiding doing the hard work they should have done in the first place. Or they can find their way to float and make a mature decision after the emotions have past.
Neither choice guarantees a M will survive. But if healthy choices are made...choices made AFTER the extreme emotions have faded...both people will be healthier because of it.
Right now I am only concerned about you. Please find a way to hold off making ANY decision regarding your life and your marriage until this day has past.
I am living proof these extreme moments pass.
God be with you.
[This message edited by blakesteele at 11:28 AM, September 16th (Monday)]
I truly understand the depths of despair that are possible when there is the additional betrayal of TT and continued lies.
You are an important person in the world. I know that is hard for you to see right now, but please believe it. You are important to your children. Try to let your love for them overcome any self-destructive feelings you are having right now.
Be gentle with yourself. Make sure to breathe. Drink water. Try to eat something healthy, even if it's just a little soup or juice or yogurt if it's hard to keep anything down.
Please check in and let us know how you are doing. You are valuable. Feel free to PM if that might help you.
People here care very much about you, let us help you.