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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: In the middle of a setback (vent)
PhantomLimb
♀ Member
Member # 39668
Default  Posted: 11:42 AM, September 15th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was in triage mode since DDay #2 until about August. Throughout those months I maintained NC and tried to get my life back together. I did everything "right"-- moved out and in with family who could help me through this, new job, new clothes, started new hobbies, opened up to friends, went into IC. I created a strong network of support around me and worked on myself to help me get through the agony and pain.

Once I started my new job in August I thought I really was on the road to healing and recovery. I started not thinking about WS very much-- I was way too busy with work! If sadness hit, it was generally while I was driving and I would just let myself be sad and I found that the feelings would pass pretty quickly. This is great, I thought. NC is a miracle and I think I might actually get out of this.

Our anniversary was Thursday. I knew it was going to be a killer for me. I made sure to get away and my friends were at the ready to support me, and they put together a bunch of gifts and a dinner thing. But the day was really tough. I spent most of it crying. My temper was short. At one point I was driving home after my little get-away and had to pull over in a parking lot to cry. I felt myself reliving the Ddays, remembering how happy we used to be and wondering where that all went. The line that just kept going through my head was: look at all of these people who love and care for me... and the one person who promised to forever isn't here.

I broke NC and called him and he didn't pick up. Left a neutral message about just wanting to mark the day by saying that I don't understand how he could cause this much hurt and continue to do so, but that I wish him well. Closed by saying I wanted to continue with NC but that I wouldn't feel right if I didn't reach out just for today.

A few hours later, as I've discussed in my other post, a coworker (I've never spoken to or met) called and basically asked me to confirm that he had been having an A. She told me all of the revisionist history WS had been spreading around the office and, evidently, none of them were buying it. Moreover, OW had taken her vacation days for this week/end and WS wasn't answering texts-- so they suspected the two of them were off somewhere together.

I confirmed he had the A and hung up. This woman has texted and called again since, but I haven't responded.

I'm finding myself back in an emotional space I haven't been in since right after Dday. I feel stronger and like I'll bounce back more quickly this time-- but I'm having all of those old thoughts about why didn't he cherish what we had? How could he really be gone? Worried about what kind of mess he's getting himself into out there that this other woman is now calling me. Sad to hear that he's still with OW.

I asked my family to tell the L to file for me (I've had everything ready, but the anniversary was my private target date). I'm NCing this new woman who is calling. So I'm still doing everything "right" (except for the broken NC with WS, obviously). I'm back on the horse.

And why am I surprised by any of this? Not only is he gone... it sounds like he might even be cheating on OW by now (if this woman who called is a potential OW herself)! Not only is he unremorseful and not coming back-- he won't even take my call on our anniversary. On our anniversary I even got a letter that he's just stopped paying for our insurance. I had tried to sever it earlier in the summer, but it needed joint approval, so I just let it sit until a date in July I had set for us to break NC in order to try to resolve some of our other financial issues. He skipped that date in July and took himself off of the phone plan without a word instead. If I'm looking at his actions, he is gone, gone, gone. Not only is he gone, he waits to make moves that are heart-stabbers.

My brain knows I'm much better off. I've gone back over the M and the red flags that show me he doesn't deal with things that are hard and probably had a PD all along. I hear from this coworker and I'm just grateful I'm not a part of whatever is going on out there and I'm so glad I found out about the A before I uprooted by whole life to join him there permanently and take that job with him. I think back to how verbally, emotionally and even physically abusive he was during the Ddays and it was such a 180 from how gentle and mild-mannered he had been throughout our M that I know I'm much better off away from such a wild card. Who knows what he'd be capable of now.

But I'm clearly still not over it. My heart is still in a different place. The anniversary just broke me open. I miss what we had and what I thought our future would be. I can't accept that he has become or was or is this guy. I still feel connected to him. I can't even picture being happy with someone else the way I was happy before Dday. And I hate this lonely feeling that I'm getting these days. My friends are filling in the gaps, but it's not the same as having that partner who is ready to pursue your interests with you and thinks everything you do is great. And I miss by business partner. My new job is challenging and sort of fun-- but I miss having him in my corner (we were in the same field) and sharing in my challenges and successes.

I guess I'm disappointed in myself for not being further along in my healing. He's so mean to me and so cold... why can't I get the hint? And it's not like I want this creepy dude back. I just want a time machine to get back the guy I loved so much before all of this happened. Even during Dday that's all I kept thinking: I wish I could just go back to any moment in the past 10 years when we were together and happy and just hold him one last time without the knowledge that he was going to become this monster. Because I really, truly loved that man with all of my heart.

[This message edited by PhantomLimb at 5:01 PM, September 15th (Sunday)]


BS / D

Posts: 859 | Registered: Jun 2013
Housefulloflove
♀ Member
Member # 38458
Default  Posted: 12:02 PM, September 15th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry (((Phantom))).

Healing isn't a linear process. You ARE doing a fabulous job at picking up the pieces and moving on. Setbacks are normal and you had A LOT of triggers back to back. An anniversary, a call from that woman, etc. That is A LOT to deal with and was bound to open up some not fully healed wounds.

But it's just a setback not a restart. Even if you aren't as far as you hoped, don't downplay what you have accomplished so far. It's HUGE! You *will* keep going and you will get there.


Me-29 Starting over
ExWH-29 Probable NPD, PA, manchild
3 beautiful young children
DDay 1/20/13 Admits PA
No remorse so NO R. DIVORCED! 9/2013

Posts: 541 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: USA
Pass
♂ Member
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 4:19 PM, September 15th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Even if you aren't as far as you hoped, don't downplay what you have accomplished so far. It's HUGE! You *will* keep going and you will get there.

This. You're doing great.


Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after married 17 years, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous


Posts: 1670 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Ottawa, Ontario, Canada
HurtsButImOK
♀ Member
Member # 38865
Default  Posted: 4:32 PM, September 15th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Housefulloflove nailed it.

it's just a setback not a restart

Allow yourself to feel the pain, honour it and then keep moving forward. We don't truly heal unless we lean into the pain and face it.

I think all the firsts will be the hardest. First dd antiversary, first relationship anniversary alone etc.

Be gentle with yourself during these times. If you stumble, pick yourself up and dust yourself off. You got this PL, you will not only survive - you will thrive.


Me: Awesome - 35

"I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel". –Maya Angelou

"When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be". –


Posts: 722 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Australia
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 4:55 PM, September 15th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

An arrow gets pulled back before it is launched ahead. I bet this setback propels you forward.

The process is painful. (((((((PhantomLimb)))))))

K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4841 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
PhantomLimb
♀ Member
Member # 39668
Default  Posted: 5:08 PM, September 15th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

An arrow gets pulled back before it is launched ahead.

I love that imagery.

A mentor called this afternoon to check in and I told her what was going on. She asked me what I was thinking and I told her that it was strange because I feel like I'm in both spaces simultaneously-- completely heartbroken and sad and mourning the loss of him AND completely grateful he's out of my life and I'm not a part of his drama and that I got myself out of this before I was in deeper (by uprooting, taking the job, having a child, etc).

And I like the idea of leaning into the pain. I think you're right. Just allowing myself to feel the pain and sit with it and let it pass has probably been the most healing thing of all.

Thanks, guys.


BS / D

Posts: 859 | Registered: Jun 2013
SBB
♀ Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 8:19 PM, September 15th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wish I could just go back to any moment in the past 10 years when we were together and happy and just hold him one last time without the knowledge that he was going to become this monster. Because I really, truly loved that man with all of my heart.

(((PhantomLimb)) Quiet tears over here. I'm wincing just remembering this phase.

I'm still mourning the man I thought I married - the mourning used to be in that keening, weeping, hair pulling out way, it is now in that quiet, healing way.

I hit my rock bottom last October on the 10th anniversary of the day we met, 9th of his proposal. I was literally sobbing on the floor in the foetal position. The physical pain was astonishing.

I had weird sounds coming out of me and I was confused and frightened. I thought it would never end. But it did.

It happened when the shock wore off and my adrenalin had stopped pumping like crazy. I was no longer in survival fight or flight mode.

Acceptance is agony. Please be gentle with yourself.

I too thought I was through the worst of it once that first hard part was over. I shocked and surprised to find I wasn't. A little angry too TBH.

An arrow gets pulled back before it is launched ahead.

Beautiful Kajem. Just beautiful.

I thought I could avoid it with willpower. I was wrong. The only way through it is through it.

Lean into the pain when it gets bad. Let it wash over you and make you clean. At first the pain is crippling but as acceptance comes the pain becomes cleansing.

Do not be afraid. We're all standing at the end of this dark tunnel holding up our torches of healing for you my friend. You're going to get through this. I promise.


Buzz- The word you are searching for is 'Space-Ranger.'
Woody- The word I'm searching for, I can't say, because there are Pre-school toys here.

Posts: 5403 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
PhantomLimb
♀ Member
Member # 39668
Default  Posted: 9:01 PM, September 15th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do not be afraid. We're all standing at the end of this dark tunnel holding up our torches of healing for you my friend. You're going to get through this. I promise.

Okay, now this made me cry.

You guys really are amazing. I can't even imagine where I'd be without SI. <3


BS / D

Posts: 859 | Registered: Jun 2013
PhantomLimb
♀ Member
Member # 39668
Default  Posted: 9:33 PM, September 15th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This actually reminds me of something debellanon once said to me: when we remember our WSs the way they used to be, it's almost like you are eulogizing the relationship.

My IC pointed out that when I said receiving all of those loving messages from my friends and family on the anniversary felt like "going to my own funeral" it was probably a reflection of seeing the anniversary as a confirmation that the M is dead. And when I broke NC to call him, it was like poking the body to make sure it wasn't alive.

Hmmm... if nothing else, appropriate for Halloween.


BS / D

Posts: 859 | Registered: Jun 2013
Topic Posts: 9

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