I know I did, and sure as hell would have loved someone giving me proof sooner than I was able to get it on my own. I would have loved a phone call from OW's spouse saying my wife is having an A with your H....
When I finally had my proof, I felt such a huge relief. I finally had proof that I wasn't crazy, I wasn't loosing my mind, I wasn't the bad mom, wife, housekeeper, cook, whatever he decided to destroy my self confidence about that day. I knew something was up for MONTHS!!!! I begged, I pleaded, I cried, I did anything I could to get my H to either come clean, or just file. I was ready to end it, I had seen an attorney to find out what if I filed how it would effect me, find out what to expect financially, who would get CS, custody, all of it. I was that close. If that poor woman is going through the same hell, isn't it just the kind decent human thing to do to tell her?
I lost 30 pounds, couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, developed muliple health issues from the stress. It sure would have been nice to prevent all of that.
I'm not trying to guilt you, just to help you understand, you aren't hurting her anymore than she already is feeling, you are giving her what she needs so that she can move forward and have a decent life again too.
Maybe you don't want to hurt her... You aren't. She is already hurt. Her WH hurt her. She deserves better than to keep being deceived and feeling like she's losing her mind. You have the opportunity here to help both of your M get on a road to relief and healing. Right now the situation just continues to spiral downward. Just push the spiral all the way to the bottom, so you can ALL start reversing the direction.
Please, can you share with us why you resist telling her? Everyone on here is giving you the same advice, so PLEASE understand that maybe we are all right. It needs to be done. Despite your fear. Maybe if you tell us what is stopping you, someone may come along with the right words of encouragement. OK?
Wishing you all the best. We understand how much pain you are in. We are trying to help!
You have indicated that you do intend to contact her, but you are struggling on the how and when. You have even made an attempt to contact her and then didnít answer the phone when you thought it might be her. (btw, still donít know if it was her calling or not) And your last post mentioned that you may go to her house to do it. So itís clear to me that you know you have to, and want to, tell the other BS. Also, from your background, I suspect that you can very likely have some co-dependency issues. I feel like your hesitation has a lot to do with your compassion and putting other peopleís feelings and needs before your own. Think about it, and make sure that you are not hesitating because you are more concerned for the other BS, than yourself.
Youíve mentioned multiple times in your posts, that you are always doing what is best for others, and you are struggling with all you have had to do and process these past couple of weeks and try to stay focused and do what is best for you. From here, it looks like you are doing a fine job of keeping it together despite the horrible circumstances and the self-doubt that can plague a person when going through something like this. Lawyer, IC, and taking care of the kids. And no matter what the outcome and where you are heading, the advice is always the same, take care of yourself. So if you feel like you need more time to process, digest, and take a breath, please do that. I know you will talk to the other BS, when the time is right for you. And I wanted to let you know that it is ok. YOU will be ok.
I agree that this does freeze the affair, or you could say delays the outcome, because the BW will find out eventually and all that is bought is time. I suppose the same reasoning is applied to not informing WW's employer.
If indeed you have bought some time Cytron, what are you going to do with it?
Please file and separate for your sanity. Your WW is toxic and sounds like she has a personality disorder. Let the lawyer guide you. I know you love her, or have loved her but never let yourself be treated this way. Not for another moment. Detach. (I know that's hard) Step away from her. Let her go so you can get your core strength back and be the best dad you can be for your kids. I am so sorry you have lost your wife. It's a terrible thing. But there is life after all this horror. It does get better. But you have to take good care of yourself and not tolerate this type of treatment.
Honestly the past three weeks has been the happiest I have been for awhile. I have reconnected with some old friends while perfecting the 180. I have not spoken to OW wife yet, but I will. I have completely ignored my WS and really enjoyed time with my kids and my time alone as well.
Telling her on Friday that I want this to become permanent and we need to start divorce proceedings.
There will be more ups and downs for sure but taking the time to get yourself focused on the important things like your kids and being good to yourself is a great way to spend your time before the storm. Just know that you will be ok. And keep us posted.
Good luck and stay tough.
It's the first time I've replied to your post, you seem to be getting some good advice her. BUT......
2 months in and you still haven't told the other BS???
The longer you leave it the harder it will be. Wouldn't you have wanted to know straight away if she had found out first?
I was in total shock when I first found e-mail evidence of my H's LTA with someone we knew pretty well. I still remember making that first phone call to the other BS. He,like me,hadn't a clue what had been going on. I was shaking like a leaf, could hardly get the words out, the most difficult phone call I'd ever made. And agreed to see him the next day to give him copies of the e-mails so that he would be in the picture as much as I was. I probably shouldn't have been driving,having had no sleep the previous night, but no way was I going to keep him in the dark. Nothing to do with helping stop the affair, as my H had put a stop to it months before d-day. Just that he had a right to know, and if I hadn't told him I would have been complicit in Helping them keep their grubby little secrets. It also enabled him to understand why things had gone so pear-shaped in their marriage - the timing was spot-on.
Come on, don't leave it any longer, just tell her.
I still remember making that first phone call to the other BS. He,like me,hadn't a clue what had been going on. I was shaking like a leaf, could hardly get the words out, the most difficult phone call I'd ever made. And agreed to see him the next day to give him copies of the e-mails so that he would be in the picture as much as I was. I probably shouldn't have been driving,having had no sleep the previous night, but no way was I going to keep him in the dark. Nothing to do with helping stop the affair, as my H had put a stop to it months before d-day. Just that he had a right to know, and if I hadn't told him I would have been complicit in Helping them keep their grubby little secrets. It also enabled him to understand why things had gone so pear-shaped in their marriage - the timing was spot-on.
^^^Yep. Word for word how I felt. And yes the BW I talked to was being traumatized by an unhappy M that she could not understand. She was suffering prior to my call. Yes, she suffered from my call, but she now KNEW what was behind the many, many months of pain. She was able to take control of her life...
[This message edited by MC_Jack at 12:49 PM, October 10th (Thursday)]