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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Confrontation
cytron
♂ New Member
Member # 40550
Default  Posted: 11:25 AM, September 15th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow I just got a phone call from the OM. She ran to him and told him that I know everything and the asshole called me. Left a message while I was in church of all places. Said he wants to talk to me. According to BS he is going to tell his wife everything. God damnit I should have told her first. They are covering each others asses. I comp,teeny screwed this up like I have screwed up everything in my life.

Posts: 28 | Registered: Sep 2013
hurtsobadinside
♂ Member
Member # 35308
Default  Posted: 11:54 AM, September 15th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Cytron

you are doing everything right so far. however, you need to do one more thing "NOW"..today...no later than tomorrow...

You need to advise the AP's faithful wife ...do it NOW

...dont tell your wayward wife you are going to do this... just do it and watch what happens then....if AP tells your WW what you did, you will know contact is continuing...

then you can define your terms of "R". True NC for sure etc etc

In my case, i not only notified her, I kept contact with other AP's faithful wife and we both kept watch on our waywards until real NC took place...which was about 3 mos after I confronted.

Also, I purchased a SIM card reader and retreived all her texts and pictures off her cell including "deleted" pics and texts.

When she gave me the song and dance about how dare i investigage her etc..
(while she also had that deer in headlights look) which sounds like the same look your WW had (its part of the fog) i told her "I HAD EVERY RIGHT TO KNOW WHAT IS GOING ON IN MY MARRIAGE-JUST AS SHE WOULD IF THIS WAS REVERSED"
AND... she had nothing to say.. how do you respond to that to agrue you cant...

Now the AP's faithful wife also has that right... to this day she thanks me for calling her.

Sending you strength to get thru this mess...you had no vote counted in the decisioin about your wife's "A"..

ME: 59 BS
Her: 57 WW
married 25 yrs
knew each other 27 yrs.
her : LTA (PA & EA) former boss 7 yrs.(maybe 10?)
D- 24 yrs old former Eating disorder left wtih OCB
D-day Early March 2012
Confrontation-day: late April 2012
Lies, TT, rug sweeping, blame placing and fog months
NC: april 2012 -broke N/C immediately
lies about NC for 3 months
True NC: july 2012
I "outed " the "A" to her AP's wife and we kept in contact to assure complete N/C was maintained
IN "R" and its been a roller-coaster ride just like everyone has said

edited to add my abbreviated history at bottom

[This message edited by hurtsobadinside at 12:05 PM, September 15th (Sunday)]


Posts: 151 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Illinois
hurtsobadinside
♂ Member
Member # 35308
Default  Posted: 12:02 PM, September 15th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Cytron
Do not engage in anything with AP.
Ignore his request to meet or talk.

Nothing good can come of that meeting or chat.

All his BS about talking to his faithful wife is just that...BS.

Make that call to his faitful wife to "out the affair"
just like I told you in my previous post and do it now to his faithful wife.

and...if your wayward wife starts telling you how YOU should handle this and just talk to the AP, ignore her and do what I told you in my previous post.

and tell her, if she wants "R", true "R" her focus is on your "M" not his.

They are trying to cover their tracks....and rewrite the "A" history...to soft sell and minimize it....dont believe a word either of these selfish liars say


Posts: 151 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Illinois
fight4respect
♀ New Member
Member # 40595
Default  Posted: 12:17 PM, September 15th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Cytron, there are many people here who are in a position to help much more than I ever could. I just wanted to say that, from where I am standing, you do not look weak at all. I have a lot of respect for people such as yourself who have to confront their partners the way you do. In a way, I had it easy because I was able to confront my ex-partner over the phone. I had written down what I wanted to say. Before making the phone call, I rehearsed my speech, and slept on it, re-read it again, and edited it tens of times. It was short, only 5 minutes or so, and when I made the phone call I literally read it out. My heart was in my throat, my head was in a total fog. When my ex interrupted, I just kept going. I was probably on an automated pilot and saying my speech by heart. I imagined myself as a judge, sitting behind my wooden bench, peering down on him whilst stating the facts. I know I would not have been able to do it any other way. Had I had to confront him in person, I would have been a total mess. It is a very hard thing to do because your feelings pull you in one way and your mind in another, and all the while the person in front of you, or at the other end of the phone, is aggressively in denial. Do what works for you to keep cool and detached, if you can. Give yourself the love you want to give her.


* I used to listen to people and trust they would act upon their word. Now I listen to people, and observe if they will act upon their word *

Posts: 10 | Registered: Sep 2013
traildad
♂ Member
Member # 35258
Default  Posted: 12:34 PM, September 15th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I comp,teeny screwed this up like I have screwed up everything in my life.

No! You didn't! You are doing amazingly well. You have your WW and the OM freaking out. You have the opportunity to be back in control here. OM wants to talk to keep you from telling his faithful wife. Talk to her, not him. Now!

Your confrontation and bold steps have given you a window to end this A right now. Get it out in the open.

Just understand this one thing, as much as you might want R, there is nothing you can do to make your WW want R as well. Your WW sounds very similar to mine. She wanted D, but was too afraid to file, so she basically forced me to do it so she could tell everyone that I was the one that filed. You are not weak, she is weak. If she doesn't want to be in your M there is nothing you can do, and absolutely nothing you did wrong.


Me BH - 33
3 beautiful young children
DDay 12/13/11
Divorced.

Posts: 650 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Michigan
HurtButHopeful?
♀ Member
Member # 25144
Default  Posted: 1:03 PM, September 15th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

cytron,

Like others have said, don't talk with OM. He is going to lie to his BW, and make you out to be a crazy husband. Save all your evidence, she will need to see it too, in order to know the truth.

Block OM's phone number. Because your BW ran to him immediately, instead of starting NC, sit her down and tell her to sign, or to follow all your requirements for R, which others here have done a great job of outlining for you. Today.

I have a different take on her initially agreeing to sign the papers: she was in shock, and had all kinds of conflicting feelings and thoughts going on in her head. She was afraid you really meant it, so she was going to do whatever you asked.

When you backed down, she was relieved you didn't really mean it, and now she thinks she doesn't have to sign...and she can still eat cake.

She is a typical WS in a fog, rewriting M history in her mind to let her have her 2nd beau, but still wanting you and the M.

She needs to quit her job, or figure out how to have NC, including a NC letter, immediately.

OM's BS HAS to be told the truth, ASAP. This will help kill the A.

You can do this.

HBH

[This message edited by HurtButHopeful? at 1:11 PM, September 15th (Sunday)]


Reconciliation means that we both are authentic and vulnerable. I still have my H, and he's a better man than ever!

Posts: 1716 | Registered: Aug 2009
sinsof thefather
♀ Member
Member # 29295
Default  Posted: 2:19 PM, September 15th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

cytron, you are far from screwing this up - you are handling things just fine and you have done well so far. Just keep believing in yourself.


As for the AP - don't talk to him. They are going to try to gaslight you and minimise the affair. Don't believe either that he intends telling his wife 'the truth' neither you nor the other betrayed wife will be getting the truth easily out of these two. Your wife ran straight to him to get their stories straight - it's still them two together trying to run the show. They are communicating, joining forces to minimise the affair and contain the damage. Don't play their game. Take control yourself. Don't talk to AP - do talk to his wife.


...second star to the right and straight on till morning.

Posts: 1880 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: UK
jb3199
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Member # 27673
Default  Posted: 5:15 PM, September 15th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are doing fine---far better than you believe. We aren't telling you "good job" just to try to make you feel better; we are telling you this because it is the truth.

As for the AP--screw him. Let that piece of shit squirm. But you should definitely have issue with your WW running straight to him---it shows that her loyalty is with him...not you. And the bullshit about confessing to his wife? Straight out of the cheaters handbook---Chapter 2, page 1. He is in full "cover your ass" mode so he can do as much damage control as possible. Just ignore him. Try to get through to his wife, then explain to YOUR wife what NO CONTACT means.

The sooner that you take control of these issues, the sooner that you will notice changes...in yourself, and possibly your WW.


BH-47
WW-44
2 boys-17 & 20(special needs)
Married 21yrs.(together 27yrs.)

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day: 9/18/09 D-Day#2: 2/19/10 The Marriage Killer: 6/6/11
Heading for D


Posts: 2071 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: northeast
mchercheur
♀ Member
Member # 37735
Default  Posted: 7:05 PM, September 15th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

cytron

I wish I had known about this site on Dday, but I did not find it until a year & a half later.
I did kick WH out on Dday, but I tried to be nice---waited months hoping that WH would see that he should stop contact with OW. Guess what, he didn't---what ensued was months of continued contact & torture for me. Until I made the appt. with the divorce mediator. That's when it started turning around.

If you took a poll of all of the BSs here, I bet 99 % of us wish that we had been even stronger from the very beginning than we were.
I bet you wont find one BS on this site who says:
" I wish I had been easier on WS when I found out. I should have given him his space, let him decide in his own time, accepted everything he said at face value, & trusted him immediately."
The problem is that we don't want to believe that our spouse would do this to us. We want to believe that they are telling us the truth. We just want our marriage to go back to what we (thought we) had before.

But, the sooner you start being tough, the sooner you will shock WW out of the fog & she will see what she is throwing away. She will see that you respect yourself. If you are nice, she will just continue to cake eat & fence sit.


together 25 yrs, married 24 yrs, 4 children;Rebuilding
D Day: 5/10/2011 PA
OW: WH's co-worker,divorced, no children, 20 yrs younger than I-----& she knew he was married, had met our kids, but that did not stop her from trying to destroy our family

Posts: 1396 | Registered: Dec 2012
OK now
♀ Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 8:03 PM, September 15th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One of the principal reasons for telling the OM's BS is that you have her on your side against the two cheaters. Both of them will now gang up on you to make you out to be a ridiculous neurotic who has mislabeled a harmless friendship.

See the other BS as soon as possible [in person] and show her the evidence. It may not be too late. Either way you need to take a tougher stance very soon or things will get even worse. Try listening to the excellent advice being given to you for a start.


Posts: 1748 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
Tearsoflove
♀ Member
Member # 8271
Default  Posted: 8:39 PM, September 15th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The other thing about telling the OM's wife is that it plants the seed and no matter how he spins it, she will be on alert. She won't believe him anymore than you believe your wife (especially if you send her copies of the texts). So she'll be watching him and questioning him. Trust me, I got the call from the OW's husband. Both the OW and my husband swore nothing happened. I got the "We kissed once but it was uncomfortable" story from them both. But I never believed it even when my husband asked me to look him in the eye and lied through his teeth.

I searched everything, his computer, his phone records, his luggage, you name it. My husband finally admitted to the sex when he couldn't handle me driving myself crazy trying to find the proof I knew was out there somewhere. And when he admitted, I told her husband every detail I was given.

Even if he convinces her to drop it, it will always be there in the back of her mind and she'll be watching. And while she's holding him on a short leash, you will have time to figure out if you really do want to reconcile with your wife.


"Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand." ~Homer Simpson


Posts: 4144 | Registered: Sep 2005
StrongerOne
♀ Member
Member # 36915
Default  Posted: 9:22 PM, September 15th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are doing great Cytron, much better than I did, for sure.

I really regret not contacting the OBS right away. I believed my H, who believed the MCOW, that she had told him and that he didn't care. I eventually sent her a "keep away from my house and kid" message, cc'ing to her BH, and that was *it*.

The right thing to do, for yourself and for the OBS, is to tell. As soon as you can. It's really hard to do, but the right thing.

Continued strength to you, Cytron.


DDay Feb 2011.
In R.

Posts: 872 | Registered: Sep 2012
Skan
♀ Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 9:52 PM, September 15th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Look. Lighten up on yourself. You did fine. It's not like you get training in real life for finding out that your spouse is cheating and then having them come clean to you in a burst of remorse while the heavens open up and angles smile approvingly upon you.

Its dirty, heartrending, horrible stuff. You did fine. You are in the house with your children, your WW is out of it, you have confirmed to yourself that her primary loyalty right now is with the OM since she couldn't wait to rat you out, and both of them are running scared.

Now is the time to be calm and pick up the pieces one at a time.

First off, call the BW and fill her in on everything you have. As kindly as possible, but with no doubt at all.

Next, tell your WW that she doesn't get a chance to come back into the house unless she signs the papers and agrees to go NC with the OM. Then, only if YOU want, she can come back and sleep on the couch. She can earn her way back to anything else.

Next, tell your pastor about this. Get some real-life support.

Lastly, take those signed papers to your lawyer and find out what the next step is. And take it. Keep the pressure on your WW until she either comes clean or leaves. Either choice right now is far better than her lying to you and trying to make you #3 in your two-person marriage.

(((hugs))) Be kind to yourself, OK?


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4926 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
cytron
♂ New Member
Member # 40550
Default  Posted: 10:08 PM, September 15th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you everyone for the advice. On a positive note, I had a great day with my kids. Went to Sunday School and church (my son got his first bible), we then went to play miniature golf, eat ice cream, go to two parks, ride bikes around a basketball court and watch them laugh hysterically why they were making each other dizzy and falling all over the place.

All the while I was crying inside and wondering how this could happen.

Question. How can she go NC when she works with him. They are both public school teachers. If they quit their job (either or both), they are throwing away their career. I know, I know....I shouldn't care. Remember, I am the one who cares for everyone except themselves.


Posts: 28 | Registered: Sep 2013
k9lover1
♀ Member
Member # 8531
Default  Posted: 10:57 PM, September 15th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The one proactive thing you can do is talk to this man's wife.

Then you need to go silent on your WS until she decides to come clean.


D-Day was 10/9/05
He promised NC. He lied. After 4 chances, I kicked him out 1/05/06.
Since then I have survived cancer surgery and a heart attack.
Now he's sorry, but it's too late.

Posts: 8109 | Registered: Oct 2005 | From: Wisconsin
nuance
♂ Member
Member # 28793
Default  Posted: 11:04 PM, September 15th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Consequences. If you R would you be comfortable with them working together?


Dday May 2000. R'ed.
People suck.

Posts: 1216 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: California
mandan66
♂ Member
Member # 40075
Default  Posted: 11:27 PM, September 15th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

cytron,

((mchercheur)) could not have said it better, keep rereading her post if you have to, its spot on. I think the overall theme you are getting here though is that most of us posters have the same regret: not drawing a line in the sand sooner. Like (mcher), I tried to nice my spouse (my wife) back into our marriage, and it failed miserably. Waited 4-5 months before I acted, and now wish I had done it sooner.
Be proud though, of the steps you have taken so far. Hard steps to make, for sure; but these hard things get easier as you go farther along.
As to the 'outing of the AP', I agree, it almost is always the way to go. I couldn't, as it would have immediately resulted in her losing her job, and it still would to this day.
I realized, even in my early shock and rage, that would not be good for my kids going down the road, as she was the primary money maker. So have played nice, even though we are two weeks out from our divorce, and even today, thought how lovely it would be to see her suffering the pain and humiliation I did.
But again, my kids could potentially much worse off, and I can;t let that happen.

Hang in there friend---you are doing great, And yes, as the others have said, unbelievably, it will get better!


Me: 47; WW: 48
2 DS: 9, 14
M:18--T:19
DDay: Jan/13
Divorced and Done!--7/13

Posts: 121 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: KS
Secrets Kept
♀ Member
Member # 40630
Default  Posted: 1:10 AM, September 16th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Please tell us you called the OM's BS TODAY!! And please quit being so hard on yourself. It is hard enough dealing with your own pain during this crap & the thought of doing it to another family is also torture. But she HAS to know. NOW!!! You have the proof so even if fuck-head OM does or did confess, you will have the proof that she doesn't & that he can't then deny to her. They have a new baby & I cannot see a woman sitting back accepting her H having an affair with a woman 13 years older. It will help make this stop but you should not trust your BS if she is the one who told you he was going to tell all.
And what does he have to say to you besides apologize & beg you not to tell his W?? Fuck him!! The nerve.

If you don't tell OM's BS, this will probably continue, just underground for some time at least. So this is your chance to turn around your statement of not doing anything right. Do this, please so it doesn't feel like a double betrayal to her knowing you knew but didn't tell. Do this for yourself as well, please.

Thoughts & prayers are with you here!! Please keep us posted!!


Marriage #1=BW-46 (now)
XWH-Deceased on his 36 bday
Divorced in 1996
Marriage #2= Married in 2003
H-44
2 kids together-DS14 & DD12
"All this time I was finding myself & I didn't know I was lost"

Posts: 217 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Midwest USA
happyman64
♂ Member
Member # 33212
Default  Posted: 6:18 AM, September 16th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Cytron

Remember this:

You are the strong one!

You are the one in control!

Speak to the OMW today. And and he a copy of all the crappy texts.

Continue to take control, improve yourself and be the man and father you want to be.

Hm64


Posts: 899 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: New York
mchercheur
♀ Member
Member # 37735
Default  Posted: 6:25 AM, September 16th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How can she go NC when she works with him. They are both public school teachers. If they quit their job (either or both), they are throwing away their career.

As to the 'outing of the AP', I agree, it almost is always the way to go. I couldn't, as it would have immediately resulted in her losing her job, and it still would to this day.
I realized, even in my early shock and rage, that would not be good for my kids going down the road, as she was the primary money maker.

I had this same problem. WH is in a very specialized job, & has been the main money maker for years ( I have always worked, but part time since the first baby.) He is only a few years from retirement (we had kids later in life), & would not have been able to find a comparable job if he had quit.
So, I have had to live with them working in the same building ever since Dday. WH did, however,confide the problem to his immediate supervisor @ work who is responsible for assigning what area they work in, & he got himself transferred to another part of the building (WH & OW used to sit next to each other all day at work )

I can tell you from experience that this has been difficult. Ideally, I think it would be so much easier to move on if OW was completely out of our lives. Every morning when WH leaves for work, I wonder if he will see OW. But, the MC has stated: even if he had quit & gone to another job, there are plenty of other OWs out there.


together 25 yrs, married 24 yrs, 4 children;Rebuilding
D Day: 5/10/2011 PA
OW: WH's co-worker,divorced, no children, 20 yrs younger than I-----& she knew he was married, had met our kids, but that did not stop her from trying to destroy our family

Posts: 1396 | Registered: Dec 2012
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