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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: The next degree of detachment
Pass
♂ Member
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 9:16 PM, September 14th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I recently found out that The Princess is doing all kinds of "fun" stuff now that she is single and childless every weekend: Rock-climbing, gliding, white-water rafting, golfing. This is the woman who used to want to do nothing! She would go to bed at 7:00 each night, saying, "Ahh, I love my bed", and be asleep by 8:00.

Well, except for her running/fucking group, she enjoyed that.

At first, when I heard of this stuff, I was very hurt that she is willing to do this shit with Mr. Zero, but never wanted to do anything fun with me. Then I thought, "Fuck that!"

What she is doing now has no effect on my life. I'm pretty broke at the moment, but other than that, life is good. I spend lots of time playing music, and lots of time hanging with my boys: My two favourite things to do. The boys love coming to their "city home" and have recently discovered how much they love the public library - great kids!

This realization has taken a huge weight off my chest. As long as it doesn't hurt my kids, I have no reason to care. As a matter of fact, if she were to have a skydiving accident while I'm still beneficiary to the life insurance...

Detaching by tiny bits more each day, and fucking liking it!


Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after 17 year marriage, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous


Posts: 2112 | Registered: Jan 2013
dmari
♀ Member
Member # 37215
Default  Posted: 9:31 PM, September 14th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yay for you! Moving forward is awesome, isn't it!

Your post reminded me of what my stbx wrote in his divorce papers that were filed in court ~ he stated that since he has left, he is now enjoying walking on the beach, hiking and playing tennis. So it is on court records that since he walked out and abandoned the kids, he is enjoying his single life. Even I was embarrassed for him. My stbx has got to be the stupidest one of our group!

I really don't care what he does. If it doesn't effect me or the kids, he can do whatever the flying fuck he wants to.

Continue to live your life ~ it will keep getting better!


Me (BS): 43 Children: DD 19, DS 15
Divorced September 30, 2014
"It's always darkest before the dawn ..."

Posts: 2271 | Registered: Oct 2012
HurtsButImOK
♀ Member
Member # 38865
Default  Posted: 9:32 PM, September 14th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good for you. Detachment is a wonderful thing. Too often we judge ourselves based on what others do and have, as the saying goes often 'the best things in life are free'.


Me: Awesome - 35.... ummm, not anymore

"I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel". –Maya Angelou


Posts: 752 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Australia
SBB
♀ Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 3:28 AM, September 15th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Have you heard of 'mirroring'? Its where someone with zero self esteem or a sense of self OR someone set out to flat out defraud you basically mirrors your values, likes/dislikes, hobbies etc. to reel you in.

Those first few years the sad clown mirrored the things I liked and pretended to be what I said I wanted in a life partner. He couldn't keep up the act after a year or two but we both continued the charade for the rest of the relationship.

This is probably what is going on.

My fondest memories of my childhood weren't of the things we DID together, it was the things we did TOGETHER. When my mum was completely present and engaged (few and far between in my case).

You are right - what she does or doesn't do has no effect on your life.

Detaching feels weird at first - I used to keep expecting the old feelings to rush back. But they didn't. They haven't. My focus is on me and my girls. If he's doing awesome stuff with them then that's great. I hope for him to be completely present/engaged and to cherish his time with them but I no longer feel responsible for what kind of father he is, good or bad.

THAT has been a huge change for me. And a huge weight off my chest.

You've so got this friend. Life IS good.


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5609 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
Eyeofthetiger
♀ Member
Member # 40359
Default  Posted: 7:31 AM, September 15th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You give me hope that I can be where you are in a couple months. Last night I cried myself to sleep wondering where WH was. His family was home but what could he be doing.

Thanks for sharing as it gives me hope that I will not feel this pathetic forever!


S

Posts: 129 | Registered: Aug 2013
debbysbaby
♀ Member
Member # 32962
Default  Posted: 7:43 AM, September 15th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As a matter of fact, if she were to have a skydiving accident while I'm still beneficiary to the life insurance

Have I shared many similar thoughts. There still should be life-insurance though I wonder if he's actually paying for it anymore. I honestly think he's worth more to me dead than alive though I'd never do anything to precipitate that myself.


-betrayed almost my whole almost 15 yr marriage
-divorced since 2004

Posts: 880 | Registered: Aug 2011
SeanFLA
♂ Member
Member # 32380
Default  Posted: 8:35 AM, September 15th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There's some great advice with regards to your kids. "Spend half as much money on them and twice the amount of time."

That's what they will remember about their Dad when they grow up. ExWW felt that spending tons of money on him and doing things she thought he wanted was a way to buy off her guilt. Whereas I continued to do stuff he loved, like fishing.


BS(me) 48
WW 46
1 son 14 yrs old
Married 18 yrs, together 21 yrs

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." ~ Bob Marley


Posts: 1470 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Zombie Land
Pass
♂ Member
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 9:13 AM, September 15th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

eyeofthetiger, you definitely won't feel pathetic forever. And for the record, you're not pathetic at all - you didn't throw away your family for a piece of ass. You're a mean motherfucking glamour queen!

That's good advice, Sean. The Princess keeps buying electronic babysitters for the boys so that she can go out and have "fun". I choose to hang out with my kids to have fun.

StrongButBroken, you totally struck a chord with the mirroring. That's what The Princess did with me until we were married, and that's what she's doing with Mr. Zero now. Even more proof that I was never married to the woman I thought I was!

Every step in the detachment process feels like a major victory!


Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after 17 year marriage, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous


Posts: 2112 | Registered: Jan 2013
newlysingle
♀ Member
Member # 38735
Default  Posted: 10:20 AM, September 15th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is a great post. I am in the same place. I had to laugh about the sky diving and insurance. The Gnat also still has his life insurance and we put in the decree that we had to maintain the policy. He actually just paid me the amount so I could pay the premium. I don't trust him to pay it himself and I'm not giving that up!

Gnat also did the mirroring thing and is now doing it with Hello Kitty. It's funny to watch. You're right it feels great to detach!


BW - Me (37)
XWH - (37) The Gnat
OW - Some dumb whore he picked up in another state and moved here here. Known as Hello Kitty.
M for 8 years, together for 10
1 DD (5), 1 DS (1 year)
Dday 3/13
Divorced 9/20/13

Posts: 925 | Registered: Mar 2013
laney57
♀ Member
Member # 35617
Default  Posted: 12:12 PM, September 15th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am a "pass" fan! Good for you and thank you for the great hopeful posts and humor always! Keep moving...


Update 09/28/14
Me - BS, 44
Him - WH, 46
Married - 23 years
D-Day - 05/12/2012
Trying to find me still
Gotta do this, but I'm broken - headed for divorce - 02/20
Hell if I know - 02/24
Divorcing 09/28/14

Posts: 230 | Registered: May 2012 | From: KY
Pass
♂ Member
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 1:52 PM, September 15th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, laney. It feels like it took FOREVER for the hopeful posts to start. They were preceded by anger posts, which were preceded by posts of woe.

I've been assured that we all reach indifference eventually. Can't wait!


Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after 17 year marriage, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous


Posts: 2112 | Registered: Jan 2013
Topic Posts: 11

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