Why can't I get out of here? Why do I let him? The phrase that keeps coming to mind is - "it stops when you say it stops"
I was NC for the most part with him- unless necessary for kids, etc. Then in Mid July I went to Europe and made a pit stop in my home country too to visit my family.. and his, whom I continue to be very close to.
So the day before I leave, he goes all remorseful on me, like never like that before, EVER. and I fell for it!
I get back, and after a few good days - we seem to be back to square one. You see I no longer rugsweep, or pretend that things don't hurt, or simply put up with this BS like I used. So then we fight, then we miss each other, and so on it goes.
Then he was asked if he wanted to attend a Spiritual Retreat, 4 hours away from here. Mind you he is not a religious or Spiritual person, so I took this a step in the right direction towards healing for himself and our possible reconciliation.
After he left for this 4 day, men only retreat, I was called asked if I would be willing to go up there and surprising on his last night - as a way to support him. At first I said no a few times, and then I did end up going - driving 4 hours and being there to support him. He was happy to see me there and my daughter.
We come back, and I am now expecting a sort of a different man, more loving, more caring, I don't know - but something different. But not really -same old selfish person that he always was.
Today I am just even more disappointed, mostly in myself for believing that things could be different, that he was a different man as he kept insisting.
I'm leaving for another work trip to Europe, and he did not want to take me to airport - it's a 30 min car ride. I always asked my son before, but he is in college now - so I figured, ask him - Hey, he's till my husband, he wants to prove that he's this great guy now, that loves his family.. but yet doesn't mind that I take my car to the airport, park it 10 miles away in a bad part of the city, take a park van to airport, and do the same thing when I get back from an 8 hr flight - where one is really tire, and you never know if the flight arrives at some odd hour of the night!
I'm just disappointed! I think this says a lot about this man. This man truly does not love me or wants what's best for me, or is willing to make sacrifices for the sake of others!
Do I have a right to be disappointed? Is this a stupid thing to be disappointed about? I just don't get it!
So, when he called to come and pick up my DD, I told him don't bother coming in. I hate leaving on a bad note, I hate it! Just sad that my life continues to be this way.
But like I said in the beginning it stops when I say it stops... when am I going to learn?