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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Who do they think they are?
fight4respect
♀ New Member
Member # 40595
Default  Posted: 8:40 AM, September 14th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so glad I found this site, it has been of a lot comfort to me over the past couple of months. It makes me feel a bit less lonely. My story is not as traumatic as others' but I recognise myself in many comments I read and the way people feel.

For me, it comes down to 13 years of wasted time with a man whose cold selfishness has shaken to the core my belief in human decency. He was supposed to be my friend and trusted companion but it turns out he had EA/PA with the same woman for 6 years, and who knows how many ONS. We were engaged, no children. He moved to another continent for work and I was about to uproot myself to join him there, and invest all my savings to build my future with a man who despises me. The OW is not prepared to leave her partner for him so I must have been his back-up plan, the fiancee he needed to look 'normal'. I now know he cares zilch about me, never did. There are many things in his behaviour that shock me and one of them is the extent to which he was casually prepared to condemn me to a loveless, cold future for the sake of his shallow self-interest. I doubt he thought it through or whether he is able to see beyond the backyard window of his tiny soul. When I was finally able to put the jigsaw together, it felt like coming face-to-face with evil. I briefly told him my piece by phone and walked out on him. Cold turkey. He denies everything and still pretends to love me (why??) but I know the last thing he wants is to spend the rest of his life with me. There were problems in our relationship, we were not a perfect match, but that is beside the point. What kind of darkness festers in the heart of these people? Who do they think they are to treat others like disposable rubbish? I think my view of humanity has been changed forever. I will never presume on people's goodness ever again.

Thanks for listening and sharing your stories, it really helps.


* I used to listen to people and trust they would act upon their word. Now I listen to people, and observe if they will act upon their word *

Posts: 10 | Registered: Sep 2013
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 8:52 AM, September 14th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry for the pain of it all sister, but I really respect your strength and the choice to cold turkey the evil.

Damn, it's a better life on the other side. You'll see.

To give one answer to the thread's title, I would say who they think they are is of no consequence to the reality you construct for your new life from here on out.

You know, be the hero of your own story...
I don't think you're going to have too much of a problem with that.


Posts: 6644 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
keptmyword
♂ Member
Member # 35526
Default  Posted: 10:48 AM, September 14th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Who do they think they are to treat others like disposable rubbish? I think my view of humanity has been changed forever. I will never presume on people's goodness ever again.

Every one of us has the ability to be tempted. Those who fall for the temptation are weak in their fortitude and as well as incredibly selfish. They value the cheap, delusional rush of forsaking their values and dropping their boundaries over the character one builds in maintaining the strength to hold fast to their values and stay within the boundaries that keep them and their families safe.

My view of humanity has changed as well. I am still stunned that people who are instilled with the greatest trust and responsibility can be so despicably deceitful and destructive to the lives of their children and the one they vowed to protect. At the same time, I am also far more appreciative of those who uphold their vows and protect their families from this ugliness.

The majority of the people I know are honest, work hard for their marriages, and uphold their vows. They would never betray their families. It's just the broken, delusional, selfish, and traitorous woman that I divorced that I would never presume to trust again.


I Divorced Her.

Posts: 363 | Registered: May 2012
Skan
♀ Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 11:58 AM, September 14th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Most people wake up in the morning and are determined, even if its on a subconscious level, to do the right thing, to be moral people, and to not cause pain if they can help it.

Then there are people like your WBF. Who seem to not care about anything or anyone except themselves. And to make their lives as comfortable as possible, they will use anyone, man, woman, or child, say anything, fake whatever they need to, to make their lives better. And who have utter indifference or contempt for anyone else.

It may not feel like it right now, but you are SO lucky that you found this out before you essentially terminated the life that you lead, to be his backup plan far away from friends, your country, and all that is familiar to you. Yeah, it hurts like hell now and it will hurt for some time to come, but you had the good sense to step off of the path to hell, turn around, and start walking upwards.

Please. Don't minimize your hurt or your situation. Pain is pain. And each person's pain is devastating to themselves. (((hugs)))


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4926 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
Safeguard
♀ Member
Member # 38899
Default  Posted: 6:51 PM, September 14th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

They think they're "God' Gift, a lot them... (When it's just the opposite really!).

You are describing a cold, calculating Narcissist. Not "every one of us", has it in us to be like that.

It is so shattering, when you've been, "kicked off the boat dock of complacency", so to speak, and life will never smell as sweet. but knowledge is power... Which answers your question:

He denies everything and still pretends to love me (why??)

It's nicer for him to think of you hurting, and confused.
(Rather than strong and dismissive of him).

"the best revenge is a smile, a wave, and firm goodbye."

[This message edited by Safeguard at 7:00 PM, September 14th (Saturday)]


"since your actions don't match your words, excuse me while I stop believing you."

Posts: 143 | Registered: Apr 2013
TS68
♀ Member
Member # 40211
Default  Posted: 11:10 PM, September 14th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow 'Keptmyword' what an amazing post!! If I would have read "recovering" at the end, I would have been so disappointed.

This is such an interesting topic... Why do the WS want to hide continue the relationship with their spouse, when they have found something so much better?? Why get married in the first place? No one is a prisoner here. Just kindly leave the person you don't want to be with FIRST. If you cannot do that (wayward spouses) then don't screw around! Easy choice!
I understand the whole narcissism thing, but my god is it an epidemic??


Married 20 years

Posts: 229 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Midwest
fight4respect
♀ New Member
Member # 40595
Default  Posted: 8:03 AM, September 15th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Many thanks for your comments. An epidemic - that is how it looks to me too. Not the odd rotten apple, but an epidemic. This was an overdue wakeup call for me but I was not exactly oblivious to human cruelty before. What I had not appreciated is that it can disguise itself so well for so long behind words of kindness and the pretension of caring. What for? My XBF is no 'God's' gift. He may delude himself into thinking that way but he is not, far from it. Not in looks or other ways. But he is empathic and at his best, he can be a sensitive, energetic, funny man. For some reason, he seems to think that he gets a better return by using his empathic skills to deceive others instead of establishing a genuine rapport with them. What he has with the OW is anything but genuine and she showed her true colours quickly by withdrawing from him in a panic the moment I left him. He may have felt clever in fooling me, but it all strikes me as a waste of one's gifts and a wasted life on his part. I am not wealthy or powerful, he had little to gain from his deceit other than gaining a sense of superiority perhaps. Ultimately, he was setting himself up for a life of misery, and he has squandered years of his life just as much as mine. It seems a twisted way of thinking to derive satisfaction from deception. He was most definitely not a prisoner in this relationship, all we had was a voluntary bond based on trust. The fact that he was staying in spite of our difficulties, was what made me assume that, like me, he felt it worth the effort. I had opportunities to cheat but it never crossed my mind. What reason was there to keep our relationship going if not the aim of establishing a mutually respectful, honest, loving bond between adults? It is the purposelessness of his behaviour that leaves me wondering whether he is sane of heart or mind.

The thought that he is a closeted narcissist, as well as histrionic, had occurred to me too. The fact that there are so many people like him going round that definitions have been coined helps to some extent inasmuch as bringing a degree of clarity by shedding light on common patterns of behaviour. And I fully agree that the way forward is to focus on my life and create it the way I want it to be. Unsurprisingly perhaps, I come from a dysfunctional family so have ran away from the pain of loneliness all my life. Maybe my XBF did me a service because for the past few months I have been able to embrace and accept my feelings of vulnerability and loneliness more than ever before. I used to derive my greatest joy from connecting with others and I do not deny the existence of good people however, I think for the time being I will divert my efforts and enjoy my own company. How do you separate the wheat from the chaff that is out there?


* I used to listen to people and trust they would act upon their word. Now I listen to people, and observe if they will act upon their word *

Posts: 10 | Registered: Sep 2013
doggiediva
♀ Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 8:32 AM, September 15th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree there is an epidemic of cheating, infidelity..People get away with it much too easily and are able to somehow live with themselves by justifying their actions.."I can't help it I am a narcissist!' " I couldn't help it, I wasn't getting enough attention at home" BLAH, blah, etc.. Endless excuses that allow people to get away with their shitty choices...
For the time being, I am like you, I prefer my own company or hanging out with friends that want to be around me and have no hidden agendas...


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1251 | Registered: Nov 2011
Thefly559
♂ Member
Member # 40268
Default  Posted: 9:14 AM, September 15th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So sorry you are here . You sound like you are educated on this behavior from your words and actions ,and that is good . I think the pain of betrayal is the same kind of pain but other variables affect the intensity, such as no remorse or how long or how many details also who the ow is? All these affect the pain intensity I think but it does not change the fact that it kills like hell to be lied to and betrayed. I think society glorifies and promotes infidelity in movies and television and Internet. It also does not help that in most places that infidelity does not play a part in divorce as far as reason( no fault ) . I agree that a person should have the right to divorce but the infidelity should play major part in character analysis and future and past behavior. People come out of the woodwork when this happens. It's like buying a new car and the next day you see it all over the place. For me I found out that EVERY one of my married friends. From close to not. Has had or is having an affair! I am shattered to say the least. They told me thinking it would make me feel better? Actually worked backwards ! I think you made the right choice in your actions and I admire your strength. You deserve better for your future in this life and you realize you control that . That is awesome. Good luck and know that you are not alone in your pain. We all share this boat some of us have no paddle!


"what does not kill you , makes you stronger"

Posts: 678 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nyc
burnedcanuckEMS
♀ Member
Member # 35813
Default  Posted: 10:37 AM, September 15th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have no answers for you as I am struggling to figure out my journey forward as well. What I can offer is support and to let you know you are certainly not alone in your thinking. I too, am floored by the amount of infidelity out there. The one and only man I have dated since my marriage breakdown turned out to be married. Yes, you read that right. We dated for about eight months and only when he travelled overseas to visit his "family" did I discover his secret life and dumped his sorry ass. I don't think he has any regrets about his beahvior to others. I think you summed it up nicely when you said this in your post:

I doubt he thought it through or whether he is able to see beyond the backyard window of his tiny soul
.


I can't decide who is the more shallow and dark spirited man - my ex husband or my ex boyfriend. These experiences have certainly left me with a jaded view of the world. I also think cheating is epidemic and has been made much more so by this digital world we live in. Craig's list, Ashley Madison, POF, etc etc... how easy it is to hide behind a computer and portray yourself as someone you are not. Not to mention how much easier it is to find like minded other cheaters.

My only shred of hope at this point is reading the posts on here and knowing that non-cheaters do exist. I think many of us BS think the same way. Even though I had opportunity I never broke my vows. My marriage was a crumbling mess and I stood by my ex husband while he battled depression, drug addiction, alcoholism and FOO issues. The thanks I got was his infidelity. Now I am free but still very much a broken soul. I don't know if I can ever remove the barbed wire from around my heart. Last night I was hurting emotionally and sat here all alone weeping as I pictured in my mind the life I used to have. I realize it was a broken and shattered illusion but it still hurts 1 1/2 years out.

So sorry for your hurts. I don't know if we will ever get answers to our questions and the whys of it all. All we can do is keep moving forward in our forever changed lives.


Me: BW 38, Him: WH 37
M: 07/07/07
DDay: 06/09/12
Divorce Granted on December 5, 2012 - fasted divorce ever (thanks to my good lawyer) and I am not looking back with ANY regrets!!

"And this above all else, to thine own self be true"


Posts: 254 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Alberta
Safeguard
♀ Member
Member # 38899
Default  Posted: 1:34 PM, September 15th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@doggiediva, I don't know if you meant this as a joke:

"I can't help it I am a narcissist!'

But that was hysterical! The last thing in the world any one with NPD would ever say!

They can not view themselves as flawed. They need to blame others. (although they can pretend to have flaws, if that is useful).

@Fight~ I too, spent a lot time alone,processing everything... I had to look at all my relationships. Hard. I see the childhood pain connection... In that disordered people can spot me,:"Like A Lion Spots A Limp!"

How do you separate the wheat from the chaff that is out there?

The "wheat" is a different color. More solid, and substantial, and has a historical background that supports evidence of a good nature.

I just stay quiet, and observant. I am finding that most people will tell you "who they are", even in very subtle ways. "When in doubt, just step out"...

[This message edited by Safeguard at 4:17 PM, September 16th (Monday)]


"since your actions don't match your words, excuse me while I stop believing you."

Posts: 143 | Registered: Apr 2013
fight4respect
♀ New Member
Member # 40595
Default  Posted: 3:11 AM, September 16th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks. I am not sure I have much to add, I feel a bit tired and numb. Sometimes I can see with some clarity, at others my mind goes on a loop and now it is one of those moments. The thought that the past 13 years were just a huge error of judgement on my part, and an inconsequential lie/game/or whatever on his part, has me stupefied. But thanks for sharing your thoughts, I appreciate it.


* I used to listen to people and trust they would act upon their word. Now I listen to people, and observe if they will act upon their word *

Posts: 10 | Registered: Sep 2013
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 6:59 AM, September 16th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Great wisdom:
...disordered people can spot me, "Like A Lion Spots A Limp!" Belongs in the quote thread.

fight, being stupefied and numb is part of healing...it's "ok"
(I feel like hugging everyone who has posted their wisdom and pain here)


Posts: 6644 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
Safeguard
♀ Member
Member # 38899
Default  Posted: 4:35 PM, September 16th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

jjct,
Thank you.

(I feel like hugging everyone who has posted their wisdom and pain here)

I felt thoroughly hugged when I read that. :)

Fight4: Thanks for joining us here. I find that even when I, "don't really have anything to add", just knowing that we're all here, learning, grieving, growing, and sharing support at our own pace,is awesome! There's no other "place" where I feel so understood , held accountable, yet comforted. Even when all I can do is read here.


"since your actions don't match your words, excuse me while I stop believing you."

Posts: 143 | Registered: Apr 2013
doggiediva
♀ Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 5:38 PM, September 16th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was being facetious to make a point, lol...


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1251 | Registered: Nov 2011
Topic Posts: 15

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