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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: 3 weeks after Dday
FrmrBH80124
♂ Member
Member # 42967
Default  Posted: 9:27 AM, July 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Coda,

I'm sorry she couldn't and wouldn't change.

Bigger is right, it's time to heal and move on. You gave her SOOOOOOO many chances to change but she refused.

Time to make a new life for yourself and find someone who wants to be with you no questions asked!


ME - BH 45
Her - XWS 30
D - April 2010 - never looked back and good riddance.
Happily remarried!

Though much is taken, much abides; and though we are not now that strength which in old days
moved earth and heaven, that which we are, we are


Posts: 187 | Registered: Apr 2014
ckss4
♀ Member
Member # 43691
Default  Posted: 9:45 AM, July 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

so sorry to hear this...

Posts: 58 | Registered: Jun 2014
OK now
♀ Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 11:16 AM, July 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with Bigger; I'm glad she acted the way she did at the attorney meeting. Now the way forward is clear; no ambiguity, now you can rebuild.

It sounds as if she still has hopes of a life with OM so won't consider reconciliation at this time. Good riddance. I think she would have preferred limbo to the divorce, but realizes she can't remain in this state of indecision when you plainly wish to move on.

Also if you consider the extent of her betrayal and adultery its quite likely that she thinks what she did is unforgivable. When she envisages a future life with you how can she ever deal with her guilt? Only by running away from her 'crime' can she cope with self-recrimination. Its not that she really thinks you have done something unforgivable, its that too much hurt and pain stains your marriage, and by getting divorced she really thinks she doesn't have to deal with the bad things she did. Run away and avoid guilt and accountability. It takes a tough WS to stay and reconcile after such blatant infidelity. Your wife does not possess such courage.


Posts: 1824 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
coda87
♂ Member
Member # 40669
Default  Posted: 11:22 PM, August 7th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi All,

Just an update so you all know how my story ends. Im sure many are curious even though its already certain that my way to survive infidelity is to get divorced.

After the attorney mtg where we settled the divorce terms, my WW delayed another month by not signing the clean copy needed to submit to the court for approval. She finally signed on 8/1. I feel relief. WW recently found out that OMW is using the same attorney as me to represent her. And she is pissed says it makes her feel sick. I dony know why. I said leave me alone. And i dont want to talk, see, or think about her anymore since our divorce is almost finished. She said our marriage was 100% mistake except for our kids. Cruel to the end she is.


Married 12yrs, known 14
DDay 8/21/13
BH 44
WW/STBXW 41
3 kids 12,10,8

Posts: 127 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Honolulu
coda87
♂ Member
Member # 40669
Default  Posted: 10:45 PM, September 15th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My lawyer emailed me today. My divorce decree was approved by the court. So its official. I still feel sad about it. In the last few weeks there has been very little communication bewtween xwife and myself. Ive feel resentment toward her. Amd im sure she can sense that. I hate being this way and not sure how to let the negative feelings go. Now its just a matter of going through the process of separating our assets per the decree. I tell myself i made a good effort to try to save our marriage. But i still feel like a failure. I guess time just has to pass and these feelings fade.


Married 12yrs, known 14
DDay 8/21/13
BH 44
WW/STBXW 41
3 kids 12,10,8

Posts: 127 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Honolulu
Tren0R201
♂ Member
Member # 39633
Default  Posted: 1:04 AM, September 16th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good luck bro. Welcome to the rest of your life. On wards and upwards!!

Posts: 248 | Registered: Jun 2013
Bigger
♂ Member
Member # 8354
Default  Posted: 8:08 AM, September 16th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Coda,

It’s always been clear to me that you wanted to reconcile.

But it’s also very clear that your WW wasn’t willing to reconcile. She was definitely on the fence and she definitely gave you sufficient hope. Just enough to keep your hopes up. But when push came to shove she definitely chose what side of the fence to fall to. And it wasn’t your side. That’s for sure.

So what could you have done differently?
What would have happened if you hadn’t exposed?
What would have happened if you hadn’t filed?
Would your WW still be seeing OM?
Would the affair still be ongoing?
(Is it still ongoing?)

Well… The general rule is that affairs seldom last. Maybe your wife would have ended it with OM. But she would still be in infidelity. She would still think having affairs was OK. The repeat rate of infidelity is terrible… Chances are that IF you had decided to wait this out and IF she had quit with OM then she would only be bidding her time for the next affair.
Is that what you wanted?
Were you willing to make compromises to remain married?

I think you did all you could to encourage her to commit to the marriage. I truly believe that you did everything as correctly as possible. The actions you took - each and every one of them – ALL have a greater chance of ending the affair and turning the WS back than enabling the affair. But in your case it seems the dice always showed the wrong numbers. That’s just plain bad luck.
To me that simply says your WW was already out. No matter what you had offered she would have divorced. Only this way she managed to make you do the dirty work and feel bad about it.

Coda – If you can then simply accept what has happened. Realize that YOU did EVERTYTHING possible to save the marriage. Retrospect might suggest other actions could possibly have given different results but IMHO the end-result seems inevitable.


"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

Posts: 5567 | Registered: Sep 2005
Exit Wounds
♀ Member
Member # 32811
Default  Posted: 8:43 AM, September 16th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just wanted to give you a hug. Congrats on your new found life!

I hope and pray that you and your kids will thrive.


Posts: 2486 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: With my dad...and my dog...
atreides
♂ Member
Member # 44180
Default  Posted: 9:26 AM, September 16th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well i just read through the whole thread... such a long roller coaster ride. I am amazed at how prideful she was/is, as with what she did... it has always been "her first"

((coda)) kudos for staying your course through all of this.

Keep us updated and all the best.


Posts: 152 | Registered: Jul 2014
Jduff
♂ Member
Member # 41988
Default  Posted: 4:20 PM, September 16th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I tell myself i made a good effort to try to save our marriage. But i still feel like a failure.

You did all the work necessary to save yourself, and your kids, from prolonging a VERY bad situation. You gave her PLENTY of chances to redeem herself, become transparent, fight for the M, own her shit, face her demons and seek help for her brokeness, take the right actions and be proactive to help you heal. But in the end, you suffered through months and months of her attempting to blameshift, projecting her faults on to you, and then "bargaining" her way back into the M. The question you should ask is "why did she want to R in the first place?". If it really was about staying married to you, the above would have happened, if not at least the attempt being made.

You made a good effort. It is SHE that failed. Failed to understand the impact of her betrayal. Failed to have empathy to those affected by here actions. Failed to differentiate between fantasy and reality. Failed to face consequences. Failed ultimately to be authentic. Failed, failed, failed.

Not you, my friend. You dragged yourself forward and out of this shit storm. It's as if being caught in the rough seas during the hurricance. You fight for your life to stay afloat, kept moving your arms and legs to swim to any direction that will take you out of it. You finally find a remote island as refuge, managing to finally drag yourself on to the beach. You're exhausted and worn out. All you need to do now is rest and wait for the remaining storm to pass.

But you know what follows every storm that passes? A gorgeous sunny day and a strong survivor to enjoy it.


Divorced - 5/23/14
Already in my New Beginning - :)

Posts: 619 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: texas
coda87
♂ Member
Member # 40669
Default  Posted: 10:42 PM, September 19th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My XW is still seeing the OM. I'm trying to go through the steps per the divorce decree and still getting resistance from my XW. She had the nerve to ask me to keep paying for some of the expenses for a few more months. How's that?

OM is going crazy right now because of the pressure of the divorce he is going through now. OMW is using the same lawyer I used. Their D is way more contentious and ugly.

I found out WW and OM were having a PA earlier than I thought. OMW finally read through all the emails/chat session logs that I gave her between my XW and OM (it's in Japanese, so hard for me to read/translate). I also found out that OM tried to pickup a friend of my sister (Honolulu is a small place).

I try to look at the bright side. I'm single gain, still relatively young. My career is going pretty good. I will have a lot of free time since my XW wanted joint custody of our kids.
I'm starting wonder why I wanted to try to save our M in the first place. My feelings toward her now are a mix of pity and resentment.


Married 12yrs, known 14
DDay 8/21/13
BH 44
WW/STBXW 41
3 kids 12,10,8

Posts: 127 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Honolulu
happyman64
♂ Member
Member # 33212
Default  Posted: 4:49 AM, September 20th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good for you Coda.

What you are going to realize is that your Ex is a very selfish person.

Do yourself a favor. Make her start paying her share of the expenses as per the decree now.

Nice guys finish last.

Do not be a nice guy for your Ex. She does not deserve it Coda.

At all.

She chose the OM who is going through a tough divorce. Oh poor baby.

Screw both of them.

Your focus is on you and the kids only.

As it should be. And when you eventually replace her make it be with someone that is awesome.

You deserve it.

HM


Posts: 974 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: New York
Jduff
♂ Member
Member # 41988
Default  Posted: 10:49 AM, September 20th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

it's in Japanese, so hard for me to read/translate

Is WW japanese?

Japan is one giant passive aggressive culture. I was born there.


Divorced - 5/23/14
Already in my New Beginning - :)

Posts: 619 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: texas
coda87
♂ Member
Member # 40669
Default  Posted: 12:05 AM, September 23rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yep, WW is Japanese from Japan. So is OM and OMW. I know what you mean. My WW didn't tell me how she felt about our marriage. I was supposed to "read her mind" I guess. Even, when I did ask, I couldn't get a direct answer.


Married 12yrs, known 14
DDay 8/21/13
BH 44
WW/STBXW 41
3 kids 12,10,8

Posts: 127 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Honolulu
happyman64
♂ Member
Member # 33212
Default  Posted: 11:33 AM, September 23rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are not a mind reader.

That is why when she asks you to continue to pay her portion of the bills you say "No". Or No thankyou.

And if the OM is under a lot of pressure call his wife and tell her to keep it up.

He deserves a heart attack Coda. It is even better if his BW gives it to him.....


Posts: 974 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: New York
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