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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: 3 weeks after Dday
SeanFLA
♂ Member
Member # 32380
Default  Posted: 9:07 AM, February 28th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Personally I don't know why you are even engaging with her about this stuff anymore. You gave her many chances to end the A and to R. She wouldn't. You filed papers and still, nothing from her. She still thinks of you as plan B. And honestly I think if she turned to you and said she made a huge mistake, the A is over and I want to come back, you probably would take her back. None of us like this crap and most of us have been through it. But from your conversations with her you haven't really shown her 100% that the marriage is over. You are still being nice to her. You are still allowing her over. Kicked out of the house means that...kicked out of the house. Not come on over and cook dinner for them while I'm still around. She can take them out for dinner or cook at her place. Show her what divorce is. If it is over, then do not engage with her anymore. She is still feeling you out "if my A is over what can I expect?" Your relationship with her would never be the same. The kids will need to get used to the new normalcy she choose.

[This message edited by SeanFLA at 9:08 AM, February 28th (Friday)]


BS(me) 48
WW 46
1 son 14 yrs old
Married 18 yrs, together 21 yrs

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." ~ Bob Marley


Posts: 1456 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Zombie Land
kalimata
♂ Member
Member # 42104
Default  Posted: 10:04 AM, February 28th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Coda - you need to stop having contact with WW. If she wants to see the kids that is fine, but instead of her coming over twice a week, tell her the exact time to come and make sure you are out of the house before she gets there. Tell her what time to leave so that way you don't see her when you get back.

Same thing for Sat visits. Avoid seeing her face to face as much as possible. No contact except for kids. Suggest that all contact be kept via text message or email only. Avoid any verbal discussions or agreements with her.

Stay friendly with her until the D is done however. She may eventually be remorseful, but it is better to have it once the D is over. Once she sees you dating and going out with hotter and younger women than her, she will flip. This will make her jealous. If you really want to rub it in her face you could offer her the chance to DATE YOU after the D is final, but on your terms. However I would hold off on dating until after the D is final.

Keep strong my man.


Posts: 191 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: USA
coda87
♂ Member
Member # 40669
Default  Posted: 5:15 PM, February 28th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I really don't want to have contact with my WW. But I need to talk to her to move along the D. Otherwise she will just let things stay status quo and let the D drag on.
She is the one bringing up the talk about the A now. I try not to respond too much or get into a fight (easy to do). I just need to endure it until the D is finalized, then I don't have to be so nice or have much contact with her.


Married 12yrs, known 14
DDay 8/21/13
BH 44
WW/STBXW 41
3 kids 12,10,8

Posts: 123 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Honolulu
Commanche1
♂ New Member
Member # 39692
Default  Posted: 7:15 PM, February 28th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Coda87, the affair is still all about her, she hasn't hit bottom, hasn't had to face reality. no need to inform her that you two won't be friends or that the door has closed on reconciliation. that can be her surprise when the divorce is done, just be prepared when it all goes south on her or when she finds you moving on and dating.

Posts: 49 | Registered: Jun 2013
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 7:40 PM, February 28th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree. Time to end all contact. Yep, she'll be pissed. What will she do? Divorce you?

She is the one bringing up the talk about the A now

That's just some cold shit.

N/C = no new hurts

Strength


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2540 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
coda87
♂ Member
Member # 40669
Default  Posted: 9:28 PM, February 28th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think she still thinks I would R if she wanted to. But I am past that point. My goal now is to get through the divorce with the best deal for me and my kids.

I stopped telling her about how I feel many weeks ago. I guess I can try to not be around on Tue/Thu/Sat when she comes to see the kids. I hate being away from my kids though. I know in a few months time, I will only get to see them half as much. So time with them now seems more precious.


Married 12yrs, known 14
DDay 8/21/13
BH 44
WW/STBXW 41
3 kids 12,10,8

Posts: 123 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Honolulu
coda87
♂ Member
Member # 40669
Default  Posted: 4:25 PM, March 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've exposed my WW's affair months ago. First to OMW, then to our family and friends. Only now she is bringing it up frequently saying things like, I made it harder for her to reconcile now that I told everyone about it. And all these friends & family trying to contact her is another hassle she has to deal with. And that our relationship is between the two of us, not everyone else. I'm wondering if exposing was the right thing to do now.


Married 12yrs, known 14
DDay 8/21/13
BH 44
WW/STBXW 41
3 kids 12,10,8

Posts: 123 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Honolulu
Getting to Happy
♀ Member
Member # 35200
Default  Posted: 5:11 PM, March 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And that our relationship is between the two of us, not everyone else.

Here is your reply to that madness:

OH REALLY! And fucking the OM is not bringing a third party into our relationship?!?


Talk about delusional wayward speak!


WS him
BS me DD's 26, 25' DS 23
dd1 1-1-10, dd2 Mothers Day 2011, dd3 3-12-12 Hawaii trip with ho-worker...

Never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten.
Unknown


Posts: 1138 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: La La Land
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 5:16 PM, March 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And that our relationship is between the two of us, not everyone else. I'm wondering if exposing was the right thing to do now.

Absolutely, it was the right thing to do. Your *relationship* wasn't just between the two of you, was it. She's blameshifting big time. Affairs thrive in the dark of deception. She's just pissed that you shined the light of day on her.

I made it harder for her to reconcile now that I told everyone about it.

Nope, she made it impossible to stay married to an unrepentant WW.

Coda, please, please......there's not too many cases than yours that illustrate the benefits of N/C giving no new hurts. Please stop talking to her about anything other than kids and finance. She can play you like a fiddle. She should know how, she installed the strings.

Strength


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2540 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
Brandon808
♂ Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 5:36 PM, March 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I made it harder for her to reconcile now that I told everyone about it.
Blame the BS for the A. Blame the BS for not being able to R.
Wow...you are like one of the most powerful people in the world.


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 3651 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
FeelingSoMuch
♂ Member
Member # 38814
Default  Posted: 5:49 PM, March 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Exposing the A was the right thing to do.

How your WW deals with the fallout of her own actions is up to her. You don't -- can't actually -- control that.

She needs to get to a place where she is ready to accept personal responsibility.

The A is real, it happened. It's your life and you need a support system. We all do. We turn to those around us for support. This is one situation where not only you couldn't turn to your wife for support, you needed support to live with her horrible choices.

Forgive yourself for telling others. It's OK, it's normal, it's what we do when we're in unbelievable pain.

Stay strong.


Me: BH
Her: WW
Together since 2001, married since 2007.
D-day: Feb. 20, 2013.
Broke NC: 2 phone calls since
Today: In MC and IC, attempting R.
It got easier: They no longer work together.

Posts: 505 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Canada
Believe24
♀ New Member
Member # 42660
Default  Posted: 9:50 PM, March 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had the same situation with no remorse (no genuine remorse)from my lying and cheating WH. He said some of the right things, but there was no desperation to keep us together. I later figured out that it was because half of his energy was devoted to keeping homewrecker on the back burner. I have done a lot of reading and it seems the level of remorse really can be indicative of future paths.


When you betray somebody else, you also betray yourself. Isaac Bashevis Singer

Posts: 2 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Nashville
kalimata
♂ Member
Member # 42104
Default  Posted: 6:51 AM, March 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Cody - Exposure was definitely the right thing to do. Tell her that back in the 1600s she would have been brandished with a Scarlet Letter A on her blouse and forced to wear it everyday!

Posts: 191 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: USA
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 4:56 PM, March 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Checking in with you brother. How are you doing?


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2540 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
OK now
♀ Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 6:43 PM, March 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Of course she would have liked to keep the affair secret. Then she would have been able to keep her options open until she decided who she wanted to be with.

By disclosing her affair you took control out of her hands and forced her to face the consequences of her actions earlier than she would have wished.

I agree with you, she still thinks you would reconcile if she requested. Conceited, arrogant and narcissistic; what a blend. Just keep away from her toxicity; for your own sake.


Posts: 1689 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
coda87
♂ Member
Member # 40669
Default  Posted: 1:34 AM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She said she would have told everyone what happened after we got divorced. Yeah right.

I have a question for anyone that went through this. If you did not put up with your WW/WH affair and went through with a divorce, did you feel relieved after? I wonder it I will feel that. Or will it just be more of the same as I feel now?
I keep thinking getting a divorce will be like pulling out a rotten tooth. It will hurt, but relief will quickly follow. Is that what I can expect? Am I wrong?


Married 12yrs, known 14
DDay 8/21/13
BH 44
WW/STBXW 41
3 kids 12,10,8

Posts: 123 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Honolulu
Heath
♂ Member
Member # 28992
Default  Posted: 3:17 AM, March 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi there Coda. Sorry you are going through this.

Firstly I wanted to say that I am happier today than I have been in well over a decade. There is a lot of hope. I believe that your happiest days can still be in front of you. It's a choice.

I think my exWW wanted me to fight for her/win her back from the OM or something to that effect. Instead I cut down as much contact with her as possible, which she didn't like at all.
You see even in the middle of the hell I was going through, I felt that I was worth far too much to be caught up with her toxicity. So I withdrew from her.

The first couple of years were immensely painful. There was a lot of crying and times of massive distress. To be honest, I was dealing with the death of a marriage that I cared deeply about and that I considered a life time commitment, but that I also knew was now dead beyond my ability to resurrect.

The fantastic part about being a human is our ability to overcome. In the middle of my mourning, there was no way I could imagine ever feeling anything other than hopelessly broken. Now I feel happier than at any time during my marriage. It was my teenage years that I was last this happy, and I am being 100% serious.

Life is too short to deal with toxic people don't you think?

Infidelity is such a horrible thing to experience, but the upside for me was that I was now given a second chance at life. I was painfully released from someone toxic and after the pain had subsided, it was so good to be free from her and to feel so alive.



"It's only after we've lost everything that we are free to do anything'.

Posts: 123 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
coda87
♂ Member
Member # 40669
Default  Posted: 2:04 AM, March 15th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can't believe almost seven months since day. In the last two weeks I've not talked to or seen my WW for more than 10 mins. I do feel better. I've been going out with friends and OMs wife. I do think of my WW sometimes. For some reason I feel pity for her. I know she is still stuck on the fence. She still thinks she even has a choice. But I have already made it and I don't think she realizes that. Even if she had a choice, both will result in great pain and sadness for her. I can't help her anymore.

[This message edited by coda87 at 2:05 AM, March 15th (Saturday)]


Married 12yrs, known 14
DDay 8/21/13
BH 44
WW/STBXW 41
3 kids 12,10,8

Posts: 123 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Honolulu
happyman64
♂ Member
Member # 33212
Default  Posted: 8:23 PM, March 16th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Congratulations Coda.

I am glad you are feeling stronger.

Only now she is bringing it up frequently saying things like, I made it harder for her to reconcile now that I told everyone about it.

You should point out to your wife the only person that made it harder for her is herself.

You need to turn her around to face the mirror. Then tell her to take a good look at herself. Tell her that she is looking at the problem...

And that our relationship is between the two of us, not everyone else. I'm wondering if exposing was the right thing to do now.

You should ask her that if our relationship was between the two of us then why did she bring a third into our marriage?

You need to ask her why she opened up your marriage to someone outside of your marriage without asking you first???

Get that Divorce Coda.

Your wife needs to feel consequences before she will ever be worth dating; If ever worth dating...

HM


Posts: 789 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: New York
Getting to Happy
♀ Member
Member # 35200
Default  Posted: 11:18 AM, March 17th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've not talked to or seen my WW for more than 10 mins.
Weird huh. But the times they are a'changin'. You are getting a glimpse of your 'new normal'.

I do feel better.
Thank goodness! NC= no new hurts.

I've been going out with friends and OMs wife.
WHOA...your going out with OMW?? Was she a friend before your WW A with her WH?

Gently now~
Your WW inserted (pun intended) the AP into your lives. Please try not to traffic with his BW. Some contact is good...another pair of eyes to monitor the situation. But hanging out with the OBS may not be healthy.

At some point you will have to put the whole toxic experience behind you for your mental health.

The OBS should be booted to the curb along with the rest of the nasty scenario. Please consider this for your own well being.

Take care and protect your heart Coda.


WS him
BS me DD's 26, 25' DS 23
dd1 1-1-10, dd2 Mothers Day 2011, dd3 3-12-12 Hawaii trip with ho-worker...

Never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten.
Unknown


Posts: 1138 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: La La Land
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