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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: 3 weeks after Dday
coda87
♂ Member
Member # 40669
Default  Posted: 3:17 PM, January 3rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Happy New Year Everyone. I'm glad 2013 is over, and I hope 2014 is better.

The last couple weeks over the holidays has been peaceful. My WW finally agreed to move out of the house into our investment condo. The kids will stay mostly with me. But she will visit with them a couple days during the week and have them sleepover on Saturday night. This is supposed to start this weekend. I told my lawyer about it. He is going to put it in writing and submit our agreement to the court to make it official.

The AP went on a vacation with his wife and kids from 12/27 and returning today. Not sure how my wife feels about that.

To be honest, I'm really following what my brain is telling me I should do which is to go through with the divorce, let her move out, let her go basically. But my heart is still torn and wishes there was some way we can save our marriage. My WW has been nice the last couple weeks. I know probably since the AP is not available, or the holidays. Or it could be that I haven't nagged her about the A or even talked about it. Who knows?


Married 12yrs, known 14
DDay 8/21/13
BH 44
WW/STBXW 41
3 kids 12,10,8

Posts: 127 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Honolulu
happyman64
♂ Member
Member # 33212
Default  Posted: 2:10 PM, January 5th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Coda

Stay the course.

Until your wife is remorseful youhave no choice but to D her.

Stay strong.
Ignore her.

Love your kids.

And put your life back together.

There are much better women out there and your wife is truly broken.

She needs to taste her decisions and feel the damage she is making before she ever "gets it".


Sad but true.

HM


Posts: 906 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: New York
toomanyregrets
♂ Member
Member # 37740
Default  Posted: 2:33 PM, January 5th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Coda,
Maybe your WW is starting to realize that she might be making another mistake, if the AP is still with his BW.


BH - 64
fWW - 60

"Affairs are not mistakes, they are a series of deliberate choices." - CrappyLife


Posts: 485 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Upstate NY
coda87
♂ Member
Member # 40669
Default  Posted: 5:44 PM, January 5th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I really don't know what's going on.
But I know AP took his wife and kids on a skiing trip. They got back Fri. They have been going to family dinners. Today they went to lunch and then to a japanese temple to get a news years blessing.
AP told his wife he will move out from January. But he didn't move out yet. My wife was supposed to move out yesterday. She hasn't yet. It could still happen though.

I'm not changing any of my D plans. I just talked to my lawyer on Friday.

I have not talked to my WW about anything related to the AP or the affair, or our marriage in the last couple weeks.


Married 12yrs, known 14
DDay 8/21/13
BH 44
WW/STBXW 41
3 kids 12,10,8

Posts: 127 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Honolulu
OK now
♀ Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 6:52 PM, January 5th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know whether your WW will ever want her marriage back, but its obvious that until her affair is broken and over she will keep the emotional link with the OM. As you may have implied, there are subtle signs that all is not well in fantasy land, however all you can do is move forward with the divorce and stay agreeable and pleasant.

Its important she moves to the apartment because that will introduce stress into her life and if the OM won't join her, [maybe he's reconciling?], then her mindset will definitely change. What the final outcome will be is up in the air, but stay non-hostile and friendly with your WW; that way a logical decision will be arrived at without anger and confrontation.


Posts: 1748 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
flipper66
New Member
Member # 41874
Default  Posted: 7:16 PM, January 5th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

cods87.. stay with the 180 it does work .. it takes to working on a marriage to make it work.
just a little biblical story here to prove my point.. you have two horses (or oxen ) pulling a cart loaded with produce that it would take 1 horse much longer and harder to pull but able to do it eventually . yet one of the oxen/horse dies while pulling the cart .. if left unattended the one oxen/horse would not only have to pull the cart which it could do by itself but also the dead horse as well which literally wears the one oxen/horse out before it can get the cart to were it needs to be... so the owner finally cuts the dead oxen/horse loose from the harness and the one horse is now able to proceed pulling the cart..
one person in the marriage can't do all the work and get it to work especially while pulling the dead partner along to try and make it work eventually you have to cut your looses and divorce so you can move on ... see the parallel
.. not saying your marriage is over by any shot (your saying your seeing hopeful signs maybe because of the 1980 plan) keep working the 180 in any case you'll be in a good place which ever way this turns... please do see an atty. as well and see what your options are.. you make no meantion of children which will make it a lot easier if you do get a divorce.. document everything even now and what she has done before .. there are ways of finding out what you need on th ecomputer as far as pswords and sites she visits .. never believe the 1st things that a cheater may say they usually are cover my backside mode and you've only seen the tip of the iceberg theres plenty tht she hasn't even touched yet and probably won't unless you find out more without her knowing..
the part about after you discussed what you believe to be an affair she admits to it but then with unmitigated gall she tells you several days latter they meet again and made it physical. the fact that she changed everything says she's really in deep in her fairy tale fantasty affair with this other guy.. you should by all means tell the om wife she has the riught to know what you know and the kind of d-bag she's married to.. I'm sure if the shoe was on the other foot youd want to know as well... don't tell your wife your going to do it just do it.. statistics says that many men about 75% to 80% won't leave their wife for the affair partner.. which works in your favor
also it makes it harder for them to even take it under ground because now 2 sets of eyes are watching.. plus the fact that the shock of the exposure he'll probably throw here under the bus wheels to keep things right with his wife which may (hopefully) bust the fairytale fantasy of the affair when real life smacks her up the side of the face.(not you smacking her lol knowing you might want to)
hope you listen to all the veterns on here they'll stir you in the right direction

Posts: 5 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: melbourne,fl
Bigger
♂ Member
Member # 8354
Default  Posted: 11:26 AM, January 6th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Coda,

It sounds a lot like you are doing the only correct thing available to you.
I know what you really want (well… at least I think I know what you really want). You want your house to stop burning. You hope that you can put out the flames before the house is completely destroyed. You hope you have something to rebuild. But… while there are still flames, embers and smoke then stopping the process of killing the fire will only allow it to grow again.

I know from our communications and your posts that you fully get that. I know that you know what I am talking about. And I see that you ARE still beating out the flames and making your escape from the fire.

Very early on I told you I think your wife needs to vocally and unequivocally commit to R:

“But I can’t save it alone and until you clearly and vocally state that you are willing to work towards reconciliation then the only honest and healthy thing I can do is move on”

This still applies, and she isn’t moving those lips.

The stratagem of “no action” is what WS usually want when and if an affair unravels. To me it sounds as if OM isn’t really going to leave his wife. He isn’t committing to your WW. So while your WW waits she tries “no action”. It’s her safest route because she can hold on to the mundane security of you and still have some hope of the excitement of OM.
Chances are she won’t initiate the move to the rental unless she hears from OM or has some hope the affair can carry on.

Right now you should be remembering that her leaving is not the worst outcome. Remaining in infidelity – EVEN inactive infidelity – is immensely worse. So IMHO you should maintain the D process and gently remind her that she planned to leave the house.
Don’t have to kick her out or force the issue, but clarification is in order. You can tell her that the termination of your marriage is inevitable while she chooses OM over the marriage. That since it’s inevitable you feel enough of your time has been wasted in infidelity and she needs to move because YOU need the distance from her. That the present cohabitation pattern isn’t sustainable and is emotionally confusing for you and for the children. The present situation might be “nice” but it’s not normal or something you will settle for.

It’s OK IMHO to let her know you still have emotions towards her and the marriage. But also let her know it’s EXACTLY because of those emotions you feel you need distance and time away from her. It’s also OK to let her know that you have grown comfortable with the thought of not having her as a friend, wife or someone that is involved in your life beyond co-parenting. Once again – it’s not what you want but it beats what you are being offered by a mile.


"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

Posts: 5565 | Registered: Sep 2005
coda87
♂ Member
Member # 40669
Default  Posted: 4:07 PM, January 6th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just spoke to my WW on the phone. I wanted to discuss two things. First, what's holding up the attorney's from moving forward faster in the divorce is how we should divide up the assets. I want to keep the house. But that means she will get less than 50% of the assets. She prefers I keep the house for the kids sake. But is worried if she will have enough left in assets to survive. She is also worried about her income which is 100% commission based. I asked her if she discussed with the AP if he is willing to support her financially should she need it. She said she has not done that yet. I told her that she really should discuss that with him, since she is taking a significant financial risk to be with him. And she needs to know if she can count on his financial support. Funny that she mentioned that the both of us, and the AP will take a financial hit after our divorces. But that the OMW is the lucky one, since she will get half the assets of the AP, child support and probably some alimony since she doesn't work. I agreed with her. And said the AP made this all possible.

The second item I wanted to discuss was if she still intends to move out to our rental condo as we planned. She said she would have moved out already, except one of our dogs got sick. It's true but I wonder what the AP will think of this excuse. I could have taken care of our dog. So now she is planning to move out sometime next week. I said okay.

And the end of our phone call I did remind her that I preferred trying to R rather than D. But as long as the A is still going on, my only choice is to move forward with the D.

I feel more confident in what I am doing now. I don't feel angry, still some sadness. But glad I can follow my brain more than my heart now.


Married 12yrs, known 14
DDay 8/21/13
BH 44
WW/STBXW 41
3 kids 12,10,8

Posts: 127 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Honolulu
Getting to Happy
♀ Member
Member # 35200
Default  Posted: 6:10 PM, January 6th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good. Your brain and heart are getting in sync.

It is okay to feel bad. Go ahead. Grieve the marriage. I am so sorry.

Hugs to you (((((Coda)))))


WS him
BS me DD's 26, 25' DS 23
dd1 1-1-10, dd2 Mothers Day 2011, dd3 3-12-12 Hawaii trip with ho-worker...

Never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten.
Unknown


Posts: 1141 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: La La Land
happyman64
♂ Member
Member # 33212
Default  Posted: 8:35 PM, January 6th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good Coda.

Stick to the plan and leave the fools to be together.

Oh how happy they will be in a year.

Not!

And not your problem.

HM


Posts: 906 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: New York
toby
♂ Member
Member # 10337
Default  Posted: 9:17 PM, January 6th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Are you cool with the OM moving in with your WW into your rental? That's likely to happen...right?

Posts: 1546 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Texas
OK now
♀ Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 10:01 PM, January 6th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If the OM is moving in with your WW, [he could be considering reconciliation by the sounds of it], by all means allow him contact with your children. Two adults and 3 noisy hostile kids crammed into a condo should put a bit of stress on their relationship. Wonder how long their stupid fantasy will last when the realities of day to day living impact on their lives.

I question telling your wife you are prepared to reconcile. It just reassures her that she can continue this affair right up to the divorce and she can still get you back if the OM dumps her. I suspect this marriage is history; too much humiliation, too much blatant adultery to forgive. If she does ever ask to come back I think you will find a lot of bitterness will rise to the surface. Besides she will only return if she's dumped which makes you a second-best option; if she can't have the OM, then you are better than the alternative....... until a new OP appears.


Posts: 1748 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
Brandon808
♂ Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 10:56 PM, January 6th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And the end of our phone call I did remind her that I preferred trying to R rather than D. But as long as the A is still going on, my only choice is to move forward with the D.

I'm sorry but to a WS still in the fog, still in the A, what you said will probably be taken as "I am will be to Plan B". To her this means she take her chances with OM and if she doesn't like the way it's going she can just come back to you. Guarantee you the moment the OM annoys her she will throw that in his face, that she has you as an "option". It feeds her ego.

I know that is not what you intended but I am certain that is how she will interpret what you said.


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 4007 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
coda87
♂ Member
Member # 40669
Default  Posted: 11:33 PM, January 6th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I realize that my WW may interpret it that way. But the way I've been acting since Dday, she probably already knows it. I just wanted to make it clear my decision to D and not wait any longer is because of the A.

One of my best friends father, who I have great respect for, suggested that I go through with the D no matter what happens with the AP and my WW. This way I am legally protected financially and with custody of the kids. And my WW will know I was serious about D. Then if/when my WW finally realizes her mistake, I can decide then if I want to R. It made sense to me.

I wish I could start over from Dday and do everything right. But I'm just relieved that I know I'll make it through this ordeal. Even just a couple months ago, it all seemed so hopeless. I know I'll be alright with or without her. I could neither D or R prior to having this attitude/state of mind.

As far as her moving in the AP in our rental unit or another place. I actually suggested she do that, so she can see what the AP is like in a somewhat more real life relationship (ie not just going out having a good time 3 nights/wk). As long as she pays the rent, I have no emotional attachment to the rental unit.

[This message edited by coda87 at 3:56 AM, January 7th (Tuesday)]


Married 12yrs, known 14
DDay 8/21/13
BH 44
WW/STBXW 41
3 kids 12,10,8

Posts: 127 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Honolulu
Bigger
♂ Member
Member # 8354
Default  Posted: 6:19 AM, January 7th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think it‘s OK (and actually beneficial) for Coda to let his WW know that the possibility of R is still there IF she complies with his demands.

This is not the same as Coda saying he will reconcile or that if she does come and request R he will comply. It simply means that IF she changes her mind and IF Coda deems she’s meeting his demands then he AT THAT TIME might accept to make the effort. It’s leaving HIS options open.

Frankly I don’t see why Coda’s case is so unique or extremely bad that his WW actions should make R impossible. As far as infidelity goes it’s pretty vanilla. We have seen people reconcile form “worse” and we have seen people divorce for “less”. (Hate quantifying infidelity).

Coda; I find this sentence quite revealing:

“She is also worried about her income which is 100% commission based”

When asked why she hasn’t left, hasn’t talked to OM about the future and so on she gives a lame excuse (pretty close to the classic “dog ate my homework”) and then let’s you know of this worry. IMHO she still sees you and the family as her “steady income”. You are still the unexciting rock while the OM and the affair is the exciting, risky but unreliable.
Now – being “unexciting” is fine but being an OPTION isn’t.
Her future income is not your concern. She can´t rely on you to be the balancing factor or the steady provider.

If you think the present financial agreement regarding the division of assets is acceptable then get that in writing ASAP. Don’t forget to take EVERYTHING into account; it’s not that she has a right to half the house and half the condo. It’s more that she has half of ALL your debts and half of ALL your assets. If I remember correctly then she is driving a newer, more expensive car.


"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

Posts: 5565 | Registered: Sep 2005
coda87
♂ Member
Member # 40669
Default  Posted: 1:45 PM, January 7th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Taking all of our assets and debts into account, and based on what my mortgage broker tells me the most mortgage loan I can qualify for, I'm still gonna be short so that she would end up with 50% of our net worth. So that's what I'm trying to negotiate. Otherwise, I don't see how I can keep the house.

I text msg'd the OMW last night that my WW went to meet the AP. OMW was suprised and a little upset because AP told her he had a business meeting. Not that she should trust anything he says. But why would he give his wife an excuse/lie about his whereabouts to try to hide the A again? He never used to voluntarily let his wife know where he will be at night. My WW doesn't try to conceal the A anymore. When she goes out with him, she just says I'm going out. My gut is telling me, he is having second thoughts about losing his family. OMW says he has been nicer lately too.


Married 12yrs, known 14
DDay 8/21/13
BH 44
WW/STBXW 41
3 kids 12,10,8

Posts: 127 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Honolulu
OK now
♀ Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 11:45 AM, January 8th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As far as her moving in the AP in our rental unit or another place. I actually suggested she do that,

Anytime the BS can suggest that their wife might like to move in with another man, then there's not much to rescue in this marriage.

The marriage has been bad for a number of years and we live in a society with a 50% divorce rate, one has to presume the ultimate outcome is divorce. I agree reconciliation is an extremely long shot, but if it happens it should be post divorce.


Posts: 1748 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
coda87
♂ Member
Member # 40669
Default  Posted: 2:28 PM, January 8th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I want my WW to start experiencing a some reality.
Move out of our home. See was it's like with the AP in "real life". Moving in with him will allow her to experience that. Also, it's a test for the AP to see if he will actually move out and leave his family. Up until now, my WW has had her family, home, my financial support basically everything she wants/needs. And she has the AP on the side a few nights a week for fun. This can't continue forever.

I don't know exactly how long the D process takes. But almost 3 months have passed by since I filed so it's a very slow process. It might take several more months. I've done all I can do to not slow down the process from my side. My WW knows that so the pressure of a pending D is there. But I want my WW to get a taste of what D would be like asap.

There is a risk, she might never come back after moving out, and her and the AP are happy together. I am prepared for that. I can handle the D. And like I said in my last post, I might D just to have the financial and custody protection in place.

[This message edited by coda87 at 2:29 PM, January 8th (Wednesday)]


Married 12yrs, known 14
DDay 8/21/13
BH 44
WW/STBXW 41
3 kids 12,10,8

Posts: 127 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Honolulu
Dyokemm
♂ Member
Member # 40254
Default  Posted: 10:39 PM, January 9th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Coda,

I agree get her out fast so she can enjoy all the facets of her new 'freedom', not just the Fantasy Land fun times.

Time for her to face the fullness of her new reality.


Posts: 58 | Registered: Aug 2013
coda87
♂ Member
Member # 40669
Default  Posted: 10:35 PM, January 11th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Now i hate my WW. I realize she is messed.up in the head and just cake eating as long as possible. So i will show her consequences now. No more nice guy attitude. From now cheated husband attitude. No more talking about divorce negotiation directly with her. From now on, it willl be done through my lawyer. No more trying to make sure she'll be ok with the divorce settlement. I tell my lawyer get me the best deal possible for me and my kids.

Im sick of this. 5 months of BS.


Married 12yrs, known 14
DDay 8/21/13
BH 44
WW/STBXW 41
3 kids 12,10,8

Posts: 127 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Honolulu
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