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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: 3 weeks after Dday
happyman64
♂ Member
Member # 33212
Default  Posted: 9:55 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Coda
We know. It like a body snatcher took over your wife.

The key is to stop focusing on her.

Put the effort on you, your kids and the future.

Your wife is just someone that you used to know.

And stop looking for that one sign of kindness from her or her agreeing to a verifiable NC.

She lies. She screwed the OM for a sex filled Victoria secret week. She does not respect you let alone herself.

She deserves to feel the loss of her marriage.

Give her the divorce she craves. She is not confused at all because she is a user.

So respect yourself.

Your wife is not your friend anymore. She thinks she found greener pastures.

Wish her good luck.

Because they always affair down.

HM


Posts: 789 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: New York
Bigger
♂ Member
Member # 8354
Default  Posted: 8:06 AM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don‘t think that Coda has showed a lack of courage. Far from it. What we recommend is always a big step out of some perceived safety zone. Like I said in my first post on this thread then one of the biggest issues is that we really don’t know how to respond when we face infidelity in our lives. This site can provide a guide and it takes courage to even take the smallest steps. No – Coda is not lacking courage but he sometimes has to retain his focus. That’s where we should be whipping him on.

I also think we need to remember that this site is full of cases where people have reconciled. It’s hosted by a reconciled couple and many of the moderators, admins, guides and key posters are in reconciled relationships. Heck – some of the posters I respect the most are former waywards. Yes – there are many that aren’t. Many that decided or were forced to separate and divorce but IMHO there is nothing that has happened to-date in Coda’s situation that makes it non-recoverable EXCEPT the ongoing affair.

Yes – that is a big “EXCEPT”. But as long as Coda has a will to reconcile then all that is needed to initiate reconciliation is a commitment to NC with the OM from the WW. So Coda – IF you want to R and your WW does not want to D then what you need from her is NC with OM and that NC needs to be enforceable. How you enforce it is another issue and we can cross that bridge IF we ever get to it. However without that commitment there is nothing she can offer that justifies that you stray off the course you are on now.
And Coda – even IF she offers to meet that condition then actions count – words don’t. Keep your course.


"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

Posts: 5482 | Registered: Sep 2005
coda87
♂ Member
Member # 40669
Default  Posted: 1:53 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I stopped by my attorney's office yesterday to sign the divorce complaint, which they will deliver to the court today. They should get it back tomorrow, then my wife can get served. It should be early next week. If I were to bet on it, I'd say she has no reaction again.

Last night I met with the AP's wife again. Not a lot of new info shared, but at least there is a sense of mutual support. And I admire her resolve. She has no desire to reconcile with her WH. And is looking forward to life without him.

I think my WW was a little disturbed that I went out and didn't tell her who with. She tried to pick fight with me. But I was able to avoid it by not really responding to her jab.

I feel really nervous about what I am doing. Like Bigger said, I am way out of my comfort zone. We'll see what happens when she get's served with the D papers.


Married 12yrs, known 14
DDay 8/21/13
BH 44
WW/STBXW 41
3 kids 12,10,8

Posts: 123 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Honolulu
OK now
♀ Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 3:20 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A few years ago there was an SI member whose wife had numerous affairs and basically refused to cease the adultery. His approach, since they had children and he had a great deal of affection for his WW, was to wait it out.

He avoided all hostility and conflicts and addressed her marital resentments, then just waited. She eventually turned back to her marriage and basically they are still happily married judging by a post he submitted a few months ago.

Since I do not believe you will choose to divorce, mainly because of your 3 children, which is very commendable, I suggest that you should contemplate the same approach.

Address her resentments which gives her no further justification to have affairs; remain friendly and non-hostile and also build a social life of your own; male and female friends.

When your WW sees that you no longer give a damn who she copulates with and you really don't care about her and the OM, you set the groundwork for increased respect from your wife; she can see you are moving on although you remain married to her. When the affair between her and boyfriend peters out - who knows? I'm betting you will be in the drivers seat by that time. It just takes the determination to select a way forward and stick with it.

I agree with the others you can get your wife back, its a matter of selecting the correct approach. If you don't want to divorce and your wife won't stop cheating, consider patiently waiting it out. If the result is that you fall out of love, recover your self-esteem and don't want to reconcile, then she reaps the deserved penalty for betraying you, your family and the marriage.


Posts: 1689 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
coda87
♂ Member
Member # 40669
Default  Posted: 4:13 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My plan was to wait it out and hope she snaps out of it. But I can't handle waiting any longer than I already have, about two months. And lately I am having serious doubts if I want to still even be with her. If she told me when I found out, the affair was a mistake, expressed remorse, came clean, that would be a different story.
But the continual lies bother me more than the affair itself. In her mind I guess I am not even worthy enough as a person to be told the truth.

So basically, after she is served. And I see no reaction from her, I'll take that as meaning our marriage is over. Maybe I should have waited longer. But we all have our limits. I guess mine is shorter than others. Also my attorney said the divorce process will take several months to go through the process. So I'll have waited 2 mos plus how ever many months the divorce takes.


Married 12yrs, known 14
DDay 8/21/13
BH 44
WW/STBXW 41
3 kids 12,10,8

Posts: 123 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Honolulu
happyman64
♂ Member
Member # 33212
Default  Posted: 5:26 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with you Coda.

The level disrespect she is showing you and the marriage is too much too tolerate.

Bad behavior has consequences.

Why on earth would you wait around for her to finish her Affair. She might not ever!

Instead you show her a consequence. Divorce.

Maybe she wakes up maybe not. But you have an option to make a stand and separate yourself from her infidelity.

Just maybe over these next few months she wakes up.

But she is clearly in the OM's camp so I see little choice but too move forward right now.

HM


Posts: 789 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: New York
OK now
♀ Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 7:11 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm worried that one small gesture of kindness from my WW will put me back in the palm of her hand again. How do I stay strong?

The road to divorce is a tough road to follow and takes a lot of resolve to see it through. I'm betting your wife will turn on the charm to get you to drop the action as well as promising NC and reminding you of your obligation to the children etc. etc.. What then?

In that case you would be better to refuse to listen to her false promises and carry on with the divorce until the decree is issued. It would be better if you didn't use the filing for divorce to try and get her to see reason. It should be a reflection of your anger at the way you have been treated and a certainty that you don't want to live with this woman any longer.

If however deep sincere remorse and grovelling apologies were observed, then you just might reconsider your objective, but your main goal right now should be the divorce if you can see it through. Therein lies the question.


Posts: 1689 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
coda87
♂ Member
Member # 40669
Default  Posted: 3:24 PM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Now my WW says she is looking for a place so she can move out and separate before the divorce. She plans to leave the kids with me and just visit them/pick them up from school when she can. She still hesitates to give me a straight answer about whether she wants a divorce. But is sounds like she does.

Despite my gut feelings and some evidence that makes me believe the affair is still going on, she continues to deny it. Even says she doesn't like the AP anymore because now the affairs has been exposed to the BS's, it's too much trouble to meet him. According to her the big issue is our marriage (not the affair).

I'm still moving forward with the divorce. My attorney already filed the complaint with the court. Next step is to get my wife served which should be early next week.


Married 12yrs, known 14
DDay 8/21/13
BH 44
WW/STBXW 41
3 kids 12,10,8

Posts: 123 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Honolulu
DefeatedDad
♂ Member
Member # 41026
Default  Posted: 9:16 PM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Waiting a wayward out is dumb advice. Without consequences and being taken to the brink of losing everything, how will they learn and become truly empathetic?


Me - BS 46
Wife - WS 44
Son 13, Daughter 17
Married 22 years
D-day May 16, 2012
TT D-Day 2 9/25/17
TT D-Day 3 1/02/14

Divorcing her sorry a--.


Posts: 217 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: New Mexico
Bigger
♂ Member
Member # 8354
Default  Posted: 9:46 PM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Coda,
Short on time so this might be rushed...

So we go back to the burning house analogy: You have gotten out of bed, discovered the fire, dialed 911 for assistance. woken up the family and have started getting your valuables out. Now if you managed to contain the flames to one room I doubt you would phone the fire department and ask them to turn around or drive slowly. I doubt you would tell your kids to go back to bed or start putting your valuables back in. I’m thinking you would make SURE the fire is totally out.

It’s the same with your wife. You and OMW have possibly put a damper on the affair but I think it’s still ongoing. Your best bet is to simply assume the affair is ongoing. Remember – you don’t need to “prove” anything. You only need to be reasonably certain yourself.

But… That doesn’t really matter does it?
Your WW has told you she doesn’t think the marriage can make it. She has told you she wants to separate. She has told you she’s looking for a place to stay. So why not believe her?

But… That doesn’t really matter either does it?
After all – this is about YOU and YOUR options.

Basically you have two realistic options.
You could reconcile but then you need to want it AND she has to be willing to commit to it. IMHO all that is needed to START R is that the affair is over. Won’t get far along in R with only that but it will get you started.
The KEY requirement for R is that both parties commit to it. She’s not committing is she? So if a KEY requirement is missing… well… isn’t this option off the table?
Back to the burning house; while the affair is ongoing and WW not committed to R then trying to R is comparable to negotiating with the flames.

Your other realistic option is divorce. Granted you could also simply separate but IMHO once it gets to that stage it’s better to get it over with and move on with life.
Good thing about D is that only one of the spouses needs to want it. It’s something YOU can control. And Coda – think logically. Just like you didn’t want your house on fire it’s the reality you are dealing with. Just like you don’t WANT to divorce then the reality is your wife doesn’t want the marriage. So D isn’t necessarily what you WANT but it might be what you NEED.

So Coda – soldier on. File, get as much work done as possible to help the attorney. Prepare how to tell the kids… If your WW has second doubts then if YOU want to R then simply tell her what you need. And unless she agrees to your requirements you simply soldier on.


"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

Posts: 5482 | Registered: Sep 2005
Forsaken
♂ Member
Member # 25630
Default  Posted: 11:27 PM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey Coda!

I was you in 2009. You love your wife. You think this is all some big misunderstanding and if you wait long enough, she will see what a great guy you are and how she has made a horrible mistake.

This will never happen.

To this day, my WW denies the affair, and I have *pictures*. No remorse, no making amends for past evil, no respect. I left her two years ago, and it almost killed me. But now, I see what I was wrapped up in.

Get your self esteem back. Get your life back. You deserve better than garbage. She sounds like she might have Borderline Personality Disorder....search the web for articles on that and see if it sounds familiar...if it does, call it a day. Borderlines never get "better".

Three years later, my WW has been with 13 people that I know about. All attempts at relationships have failed for her. NOW she wants me back.

Sorry, but my self-esteem doesn't go that low anymore, my dear. :)

Hang in there buddy

Forsaken


Posts: 119 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Central USA
coda87
♂ Member
Member # 40669
Default  Posted: 12:00 AM, October 26th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I looked up BPD. And she doesn't match the symptoms, description. She does seem like a Narcissist the last few months. Prior to all this she was straight arrow, responsible, good mother, a little bit of a drama queen and a whiner. But nothing that really bothered me most of the time.

How she is acting seems to follow the pattern of the description that alot of other BS's have described their WH/WW.

Anyway, I've decided on Divorce. If by some miracle she sees the light, maybe I will reconsider. But knowing her for 14 years, she won't face reality til I'm long gone. Then I'll get a call, years later like you, about how sorry she is.


Married 12yrs, known 14
DDay 8/21/13
BH 44
WW/STBXW 41
3 kids 12,10,8

Posts: 123 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Honolulu
Forsaken
♂ Member
Member # 25630
Default  Posted: 12:59 AM, October 26th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It sounds like BS now, but time really will make you feel much better about all this. The pain DOES fade, but it takes a good bit of time. Your brain just has to rewire itself to the reality that this is a bad person, and that's the last thing you want to do right now. I was the same way. I wanted to believe that somewhere in there, she cared...that maybe there was a spark of life left. Hoping for this will prevent healing unfortunately. And since she blames her cheating on you, she's never going to own it or want to fix things, unless she is out on the street with no where to go and no options.

It's exponentially harder when you have kids together, I am in the same boat with you there as well. No clean split, you will have to face her and your pain at least every other week, which makes healing harder still. The good news is before you know it, it doesn't hurt anymore, and you see her with clear eyes. And you realize you have found your strength again.


Posts: 119 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Central USA
Bigger
♂ Member
Member # 8354
Default  Posted: 7:30 AM, October 26th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think we BS all try to understand our WS actions; try to get to the “why” they had the affair. Honestly I doubt we ever really do. It’s a bit like trying to understand why people crash planes into buildings, or why Ted Bundy got off killing women. I for one have never “understood” why my fiancé picked up random sex-partners. But I eventually accepted that she was broken, that she had issues that she needed to deal with and mend, that her actions were not normal by any accepted standards.

It’s the same with your wife. She probably isn’t BPD or a SA. She might be the best mom in town, great at her job and a great golfer. But… there is something in her that makes her think having an affair is acceptable…

So don’t try to “understand” her. Don’t find reasons for her affair. Maybe some years down the line you can do that if it’s still an issue.

For now then simply accept what’s going on as reality. And work from that reality.

Coda – It might sound as if I’m giving you hope that WW will reconcile. Although I believe keeping consistent pressure and working towards getting out of infidelity is the most probable way to reach reconciliation then it’s also the path to divorce. You have to keep up the pressure. If your WW claims to want to R then you have to evaluate her ACTIONS – not her words – and not ease the pressure until the actions confirm the words. For example; if she comes to you today and wants to R you don’t stop the divorce process but you might delay a meeting with your attorney.


"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

Posts: 5482 | Registered: Sep 2005
OK now
♀ Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 7:37 AM, October 26th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Waiting a wayward out is dumb advice

Thats a tough guy statement that ignores the fact that sometimes the reality of a situation forces the BS to in essence 'wait it out'

A BW with 3 kids, SAHM, no income of her own may logically consider waiting it out, if there are signs that the WH will eventually see reason. There are the children to consider first and foremost and if the WH is a good father, the pain caused to them by separation is just plain unacceptable, intolerable.

Separation may be initiated by the WH, that can't be helped, but waiting the affair out is sometimes a sensible approach if circumstances dictate.

Coda has left enough clues that his feelings for his WW and the children are so strong that he may at least consider holding back from the divorce and waiting. If his wife called his bluff and he had withdrawn the petition, he would have ended up in a far worse position. As it turns out his wife seems keen to move on and Coda's mind is being made up for him. So its divorce after all.

[This message edited by OK now at 7:39 AM, October 26th (Saturday)]


Posts: 1689 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
happyman64
♂ Member
Member # 33212
Default  Posted: 9:04 AM, October 26th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Coda
When your wife says she is moving out and leaving you with the kids that is a sign that all she is concerned about is her freedom to screw who she pleases.

Not a very mature outlook for a woman with young kids.

I call this type of woman a WAW. A walk away wife.

Give her a dose of reality.

File for a Divorce ASAP. Hit her up for child support since you will have them most of the time.

If she really starts acting out and does not want the kids 50/50 maybe a custody hearing is necessary.

For a person who originally told you she did not want to leave the marriage she sure is singing a different tune now.

Protect yourself. Protect your kids.

And see if your wife will consent to a physche evaluation.......

HM


Posts: 789 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: New York
DefeatedDad
♂ Member
Member # 41026
Default  Posted: 10:05 AM, October 26th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She is a WAW to the bone. And this was most likely an exit affair.

Coda read the 180. Memorize it, learn it, live it. It really does work.


Me - BS 46
Wife - WS 44
Son 13, Daughter 17
Married 22 years
D-day May 16, 2012
TT D-Day 2 9/25/17
TT D-Day 3 1/02/14

Divorcing her sorry a--.


Posts: 217 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: New Mexico
crisp
♂ Member
Member # 34236
Default  Posted: 10:13 AM, October 26th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am glad to see your resolve and agree with the advice given here about moving forward with the divorce. BUT, I suggest that you look at the timing of everything in the context of maximizing your position.

This is now a business deal that will affect your financial situation and the kids for many years to come. Look at what you want to achieve and figure out the best strategy for getting there. So, for example, if you really believe that she will move out and leave you with primary custody, (practically--not legally)I would suggest establishing that situation before making her "wake up" with a divorce petition being served on her.

You know your "opponent" in this business negotiation better than anyone else. Use that knowledge to formulate your strategy. Good luck to you and think this through.


Endeavor to persevere. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=csEzTwKemwY

Posts: 356 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: NE US
cliffside
♀ Member
Member # 38803
Default  Posted: 11:30 AM, October 26th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Coda,
As a Mom, I can not fathom EVER leaving my children with my husband to live in an apartment by myself. My husband's FOW did this too and I believe the A for her was an exit A. I also am pretty sure she has a detached personality disorder and a plethora of other issues because she was a bunny boiler. But that's another story.

Please apply for full custody. I say this gently - It's not normal for a Mother to willingly leave the children with their Father. Sorry, we just have this biological bond. If she can do this so callously it means she's detached. Make sure you protect yourself and your kids...

Stay strong and hugs to you.


Me: BS 39
Him: WH 41
2 Kids
D-Day: 2/3/13
Broke NC 3/14
Very skeptically in R for now...

Posts: 261 | Registered: Mar 2013
OK now
♀ Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 12:24 PM, October 26th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As a Mom, I can not fathom EVER leaving my children with my husband to live in an apartment by myself

I am with you on this one cliffside; just what is she thinking?

Maybe a few months indulging in her affair to see where it leads; will the OM accept her children, or will there be conflicts? If he gets along with the kids then she applies for full custody.

I just don't believe this WW is going to walk away from the kids while she pursues an independent life. She's up to something and there's a good bet she wants to check out her future with OM and put her family life on hold. At least until she has further evidence that he is worth taking the risk for.

File for divorce and apply for full custody while she is undecided. Don't wait for her and boyfriend to join forces against you.


Posts: 1689 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
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