"Mourning is not forgetting. It is an undoing.
Every minute tie has to be untied, and something permanent
and valuable recovered and assimilated from the knot."
- Margery Allingham
I have a 3pm mtg with my attorney. And I plan to ask him to start the divorce filing. And I want to see if we can legally separate prior to the divorce asap. I'm not sure what the laws are in Hawaii. I prefer if she leaves the house. But I will leave if it doesn't jeopardize custody with my kids later on.
In any case, I still prefer R if my WW can snap of out her fog. But my goal has shifted to getting out of this infidelity. I just can't take it anymore. I've lost 25 pounds in 2 months. Today is the 2 month anniversary of D-Day for me. I've seen no progress or effort with my WW, this after much effort from myself, several MC sessions, basically letting my WW call all the shots. In fact her attitude is worse now that when I first found out.
I need to start taking control of the situation now.
This woman is a joke. She doesn't take her marriage or Coda seriously. Time for Coda to make things serious. Having her served with D papers at work is what knocked my wife off her fence, and it might work for Coda.
[This message edited by DefeatedDad at 11:55 AM, October 22nd (Tuesday)]
Divorcing her sorry a--.
When I got home last night, my WW acted like nothing happened. She made dinner, we at together as a family, small talk about the kids, usual stuff. That morning I told her to leave the house. She is truly a Vulcan. But she doesn't know that I went to the lawyer and told him to file. She should get served in the next week or so.
Just curious how contained you have kept her affair.
Have you discussed with her about sitting down with the kids and telling them that you guys are splitting up?
We have not spoken directly with the kids. But they suspect something is wrong (esp the oldest one). That is a step I am not looking forward to. I'll wait til she is served and see her reaction before I make any further steps. Spent the night figuring out our finances in detail since the attorney requested it.
I feel very depressed about this. But I keep moving forward.
Look at it this way: Letting other people that might influence your WW in a positive way might make reconciliation harder. But the word “harder” implies that it’s still possible; harder is not the same as impossible. Reconciliation while the affair is still active isn’t “hard” – it’s impossible.
In a sense you are at a fork in the road: One path might seem easier to walk but really doesn’t lead to your destination. The other might be steeper and narrower, but just might get you there.
I suggest you let your wife know you are moving on because she hasn’t committed to NC with OM. Don’t have to tell her that you have filed; divorce isn’t the destination, it’s simply a logical step on the path. I suggest you address the issue ASAP on when and how to tell the kids and the other stakeholders in the marriage.
I suggest you be very direct on these issues. I am firmly of the view that children should be told the truth in a non-confrontational and age-appropriate way: “Mommy has a new boyfriend and dad can’t accept that. Therefore we are not going to be living together”. I also think in-laws, close friends and family should be told the truth: We are divorcing because WW is in an affair and refuses to end it.
Read it again and again. I told anybody I wanted to or some I did not. It was all falling apart anyway, I was not going to help him to hide his secrets. We also sat both boys down and it was not easy, but it WAS reality.
Once you open this up to those who need to know it will lift a huge load off of your back. Trust us.
Nothing is easy about this but the road thru it will help you heal sooner.
Exposure is very important in ending the Affair.
Right now your wife and the OM have their secret.
Bring their secret into the light.
Let friends and family know that you hope they will assist your family during this troubling time.
And if your wife gets angry just ask her what did she expect would come out of this mess that she made.....
You are not exposing her Affair out of revenge. You are exposing to end her Affair. To stop the pain she is inflicting on you and your kids on a daily basis.
In the end she might just gain some respect for you.
Serve her at work especially if she works with OM.
And talk to your kids.
[This message edited by happyman64 at 9:33 AM, October 23rd (Wednesday)]
Is there a pattern to the nights they meet up? If so, start making plans for those nights. If she gives you a hard time tell her you're happy to call one of her family members and ask them to babysit because you have plans and your wife needs to go screw her boyfriend.
You need to make this hard for her. See an attorney ALONE and file ASAP. None of this 50/50 crap. You need to protect yourself. Read Allatsea and Abbondad's stories. And I don't think you should leave the home, I think that can actually hurt you in the D process.
Strength and hugs to you!
You should quit offering her any alternative. Just file and say you are done; too much humiliation and broken promises and now divorce is the only option. Stop counseling and begin the process of ending this farce. Tell the kids right now; tell family and friends.
Until your wife really, really thinks that you have snapped and its over with a capital O; she won't change her attitude. Offer any chance of R and she'll begin this stupid, hurtful game again.
Part of the trouble is that your wife has heaped so much humiliation on you and you still want to reconcile! She can't believe anyone would endure so much degradation and still want to mend the marriage. She wouldn't put up with you doing this to her. She would end the relationship pronto. So what does she think of you enduring so much abasement? No better word than contempt; thats just what she is displaying and you should not accept this, not if you have any pride left.
Also the last MC session was on 10/9, the day she came back from her vacation and said she doesn't think the marriage will work out. We have no further MC sessions scheduled.
The OMW said that their divorce will take a while because of immigration issues and because they own several companies which she should get 50% of the value. So I just think my WW is waiting for him to be free, and just using me to stay comfortable/financially secure until that time comes.
Or if it doesn't work out with him, she thinks I'm still here waiting for her. I realize all this now. And all the information I have and her actions back up these assumptions.
The problem is that I feel totally heartbroken. The last three days since I've decided to move on, the pain I feel is almost as bad as I felt right after D-Day. And I'm worried that one small gesture of kindness from my WW will put me back in the palm of her hand again. How do I stay strong? The OMW is so decisive and way tougher than me. I wish I could be that way.
I have to stay in my home with the kids. Attorney said it doesn't look good if I leave because that is disrupting my kids life. I asked my WW to leave a couple days ago. But I can't force her to leave per my attorney. It would be easier for me emotionally if she was out of the house.
[This message edited by coda87 at 4:01 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday)]
Set your sights on the destination:
Sending her a letter that you are moving out and then not moving out… that’s breaking the three paths I suggested. Moving out is making the affair easier, by threatening it and not acting on it it’s making the marriage less attractive and it makes divorce easier. From now on stop making threats and start taking action.
Attorney tells you not to move out. So don’t. It has to be worth it to endure some pain if it makes the rest of your life better. But start making REALISTIC plans for how the in-house separation will look like. Do you have an extra room? Can one of the kids move in with mommy in the big bedroom and you move into a kids room? Separate beds in the master-bedroom? Can you alternate so you spend 2 days a week with friends, she spends 2 days a week with friends and you cohabit for 3? Think out of the box. Think solutions – not problems.
Coda – Afraid your wife will show a sign of kindness? Well – the only thing she can do that can change anything is commit to NC. That’s it. Enforceable NC. She does that and if you are still willing anything can happen. Until then try as you can to feel empowered. After all – your wife is still meandering around in the fog. You on the other hand have a destination.
So I just think my WW is waiting for him to be free, and just using me to stay comfortable/financially secure until that time comes.
Or if it doesn't work out with him, she thinks I'm still here waiting for her.
He's just using your wife for some exciting sex not for any binding commitment. Wait and see. Meanwhile divorce her rather than wait for her to leave with the kids, or get you out of the house so boyfriend can move in. You've had enough humiliation; its time for you to assume some measure of control and stop waiting for her to dump on you again.
I will insist on verifiable NC this time or no deal.
Its highly likely that the affair with the OM will peter out; how do you think that leaves your marriage? Its not likely she will magically resume loving you, so you will continue to be unhappy for the foreseeable future; trying to come to terms with her cruel behavior and lack of compassion.
You're trapped by your own lack of courage, but nevertheless I sincerely wish you future happiness. Maybe your wife will come to her senses after all; I certainly hope so.
But believe us – NOTHING is going to help towards possible reconciliation as much as exposure.
Think solutions – not problems.
She is Mrs. Spock/Vulcan.
The key is to stop focusing on her.
Put the effort on you, your kids and the future.
Your wife is just someone that you used to know.
And stop looking for that one sign of kindness from her or her agreeing to a verifiable NC.
She lies. She screwed the OM for a sex filled Victoria secret week. She does not respect you let alone herself.
She deserves to feel the loss of her marriage.
Give her the divorce she craves. She is not confused at all because she is a user.
So respect yourself.
Your wife is not your friend anymore. She thinks she found greener pastures.
Wish her good luck.
Because they always affair down.