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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: 3 weeks after Dday
Juanita
♀ New Member
Member # 39913
Default  Posted: 8:36 PM, October 20th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

7 months after Dday and the anguish is still twisting me into knots. Be careful, Coda, of more lasting damage you can do yourself.
A normally cheerful happy person I find myself taking antidepressants, antianxiety medications, have had two car accidents (first ever in 56 years of driving), am in therapy after much searching, am facing surgery for breast cancer day after tomorrow and for uterine cancer on Halloween. ALL of these are directly related to the rejection, to the pain. Further I came to understand that the years of "stuffing away" the stress had led to a truly threatening condition from
repeated, chronic diverticulitis, leading to surgery which nearly killed me before my WS died. Before the truth with evidence became irrefutable.
Seems like a lot. It is. A death wish can take different forms, but it's not a solution because nothing can be built nor learnt from it. Your family doesn't recover.
These are the things I tell myself in the bottoming out moments.
I'm still discovering evidence of the depth of their involvement, of the extent over time. She, his mistress, contacted him shortly after we married and had our child. He was already (or still . . .from before I met him) receptive. Our child is 41.
My health battles are directly connected. All I say is watch. Whatever happens there are two children who need your steadiness and your good health. There's more I would say but this is so long.
I love Bigger's ability to create allegorical explanations. They are truly right on !
Again - take care of youself.
Juanita


La Posada

"Mourning is not forgetting. It is an undoing.
Every minute tie has to be untied, and something permanent
and valuable recovered and assimilated from the knot."
- Margery Allingham


Posts: 15 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: New York State
coda87
♂ Member
Member # 40669
Default  Posted: 2:15 PM, October 21st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I found out that my wife has a secret laptop. I checked her bank records and credit card records and see no record of a purchase. Could have been paid with cash, but no record of large withdrawals of cash either. So I assume that the AP purchased it for her.
She wanted more time to think things over. I said only if there is NC with the AP. How naive of me to believe her. Anyway she didn't keep her end of the deal. So this morning before I left to take our kids to school, I told her calmly that she should leave the house. She said why. I said because she is still seeing the AP. She denied it. She said lets talk about it later. I said I don't want to discuss it.

I have a 3pm mtg with my attorney. And I plan to ask him to start the divorce filing. And I want to see if we can legally separate prior to the divorce asap. I'm not sure what the laws are in Hawaii. I prefer if she leaves the house. But I will leave if it doesn't jeopardize custody with my kids later on.


Married 12yrs, known 14
DDay 8/21/13
BH 44
WW/STBXW 41
3 kids 12,10,8

Posts: 127 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Honolulu
Bigger
♂ Member
Member # 8354
Default  Posted: 5:49 PM, October 21st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Coda,
It’s your call. Like I have always said then you will know when and what will make your reach a limit.
I think it’s totally OK for you to file. Your WW has had reasonable time to decide and its fine for her to see that you take this situation seriously. I know that of the two options; R or D you would prefer R but I hope your real wish is that you get out of infidelity – preferably by R but otherwise through D.
However… The fact she has a laptop does not necessarily confirm continued contact. Not unless you are not telling us that you saw confirmation of continued contact on the laptop. The secrecy is definitely a big no-no and so is the delay in committing, but don’t assume there is continued contact simply because you found the laptop.


"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

Posts: 5565 | Registered: Sep 2005
coda87
♂ Member
Member # 40669
Default  Posted: 7:22 PM, October 21st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's not only based on the laptop. She still has the other cell phone. I found the bill for Sept. 11 hours of calls, 104 text msgs. She uses her other phone, the one I pay for business and personal use.
It's also based on meeting & talking with the OMW. She has confirmed some things for me. But my WW makes no effort to ease my suspicions with all her secrecy. And she started going out at night again a couple nights a week. Her excuse is clients. But who stays out with clients till 11pm?

In any case, I still prefer R if my WW can snap of out her fog. But my goal has shifted to getting out of this infidelity. I just can't take it anymore. I've lost 25 pounds in 2 months. Today is the 2 month anniversary of D-Day for me. I've seen no progress or effort with my WW, this after much effort from myself, several MC sessions, basically letting my WW call all the shots. In fact her attitude is worse now that when I first found out.
I need to start taking control of the situation now.


Married 12yrs, known 14
DDay 8/21/13
BH 44
WW/STBXW 41
3 kids 12,10,8

Posts: 127 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Honolulu
DefeatedDad
♂ Member
Member # 41026
Default  Posted: 11:54 AM, October 22nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Her buying a laptop without telling Coda is financial infidelity.

This woman is a joke. She doesn't take her marriage or Coda seriously. Time for Coda to make things serious. Having her served with D papers at work is what knocked my wife off her fence, and it might work for Coda.

[This message edited by DefeatedDad at 11:55 AM, October 22nd (Tuesday)]


Me - BS 46
Wife - WS 44
Son 13, Daughter 17
Married 22 years
D-day May 16, 2012
TT D-Day 2 9/25/17
TT D-Day 3 1/02/14

Divorcing her sorry a--.


Posts: 217 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: New Mexico
coda87
♂ Member
Member # 40669
Default  Posted: 4:10 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The AP bought her the laptop. So I guess his wife can claim financial infidelity if it can be proved. I notified her about it.

When I got home last night, my WW acted like nothing happened. She made dinner, we at together as a family, small talk about the kids, usual stuff. That morning I told her to leave the house. She is truly a Vulcan. But she doesn't know that I went to the lawyer and told him to file. She should get served in the next week or so.


Married 12yrs, known 14
DDay 8/21/13
BH 44
WW/STBXW 41
3 kids 12,10,8

Posts: 127 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Honolulu
happyman64
♂ Member
Member # 33212
Default  Posted: 11:18 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Coda
Have you outed her affair to family, friends or her business associates?

Just curious how contained you have kept her affair.

Have you discussed with her about sitting down with the kids and telling them that you guys are splitting up?

HM


Posts: 899 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: New York
coda87
♂ Member
Member # 40669
Default  Posted: 2:40 AM, October 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have only told a few of my trusted friends and my boss. I have not told her family, friends, coworkers. I felt if we ended up reconciling, it wouldn't be so good to let everyone know.

We have not spoken directly with the kids. But they suspect something is wrong (esp the oldest one). That is a step I am not looking forward to. I'll wait til she is served and see her reaction before I make any further steps. Spent the night figuring out our finances in detail since the attorney requested it.

I feel very depressed about this. But I keep moving forward.


Married 12yrs, known 14
DDay 8/21/13
BH 44
WW/STBXW 41
3 kids 12,10,8

Posts: 127 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Honolulu
Bigger
♂ Member
Member # 8354
Default  Posted: 5:00 AM, October 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The fear of exposing the affair is understandable.
But believe us – NOTHING is going to help towards possible reconciliation as much as exposure.

Look at it this way: Letting other people that might influence your WW in a positive way might make reconciliation harder. But the word “harder” implies that it’s still possible; harder is not the same as impossible. Reconciliation while the affair is still active isn’t “hard” – it’s impossible.
In a sense you are at a fork in the road: One path might seem easier to walk but really doesn’t lead to your destination. The other might be steeper and narrower, but just might get you there.

I suggest you let your wife know you are moving on because she hasn’t committed to NC with OM. Don’t have to tell her that you have filed; divorce isn’t the destination, it’s simply a logical step on the path. I suggest you address the issue ASAP on when and how to tell the kids and the other stakeholders in the marriage.

I suggest you be very direct on these issues. I am firmly of the view that children should be told the truth in a non-confrontational and age-appropriate way: “Mommy has a new boyfriend and dad can’t accept that. Therefore we are not going to be living together”. I also think in-laws, close friends and family should be told the truth: We are divorcing because WW is in an affair and refuses to end it.


"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

Posts: 5565 | Registered: Sep 2005
realitybites
♀ Member
Member # 6908
Default  Posted: 5:42 AM, October 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

^^^THIS^^^ is very true.

Read it again and again. I told anybody I wanted to or some I did not. It was all falling apart anyway, I was not going to help him to hide his secrets. We also sat both boys down and it was not easy, but it WAS reality.

Once you open this up to those who need to know it will lift a huge load off of your back. Trust us.

Nothing is easy about this but the road thru it will help you heal sooner.


Posts: 5669 | Registered: Apr 2005 | From: florida
happyman64
♂ Member
Member # 33212
Default  Posted: 6:46 AM, October 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bigger is right Coda.

Exposure is very important in ending the Affair.

Right now your wife and the OM have their secret.

Bring their secret into the light.

Let friends and family know that you hope they will assist your family during this troubling time.

And if your wife gets angry just ask her what did she expect would come out of this mess that she made.....

You are not exposing her Affair out of revenge. You are exposing to end her Affair. To stop the pain she is inflicting on you and your kids on a daily basis.

In the end she might just gain some respect for you.

Serve her at work especially if she works with OM.

And talk to your kids.

HM64

[This message edited by happyman64 at 9:33 AM, October 23rd (Wednesday)]


Posts: 899 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: New York
cliffside
♀ Member
Member # 38803
Default  Posted: 8:55 AM, October 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How does your wife get to see the OM these days? Are you watching the kids? Refuse to. Or, if she says she's going out at 7:00, at 6:30 say you're going to the store and will be back in 15 minutes. Then go to a movie and don't answer your cell so she CAN'T go out. Boo hoo.

Is there a pattern to the nights they meet up? If so, start making plans for those nights. If she gives you a hard time tell her you're happy to call one of her family members and ask them to babysit because you have plans and your wife needs to go screw her boyfriend.

You need to make this hard for her. See an attorney ALONE and file ASAP. None of this 50/50 crap. You need to protect yourself. Read Allatsea and Abbondad's stories. And I don't think you should leave the home, I think that can actually hurt you in the D process.
Strength and hugs to you!


Me: BS 39
Him: WH 41
2 Kids
D-Day: 2/3/13
Broke NC 3/14
Very skeptically in R for now...

Posts: 269 | Registered: Mar 2013
OK now
♀ Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 12:29 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Telling your WW that you are filing, but would much rather reconcile, just encourages her to conduct an underground affair. All she has to do is to convince you that she in a state of reconciliation and get you to buy into it.

You should quit offering her any alternative. Just file and say you are done; too much humiliation and broken promises and now divorce is the only option. Stop counseling and begin the process of ending this farce. Tell the kids right now; tell family and friends.

Until your wife really, really thinks that you have snapped and its over with a capital O; she won't change her attitude. Offer any chance of R and she'll begin this stupid, hurtful game again.

Part of the trouble is that your wife has heaped so much humiliation on you and you still want to reconcile! She can't believe anyone would endure so much degradation and still want to mend the marriage. She wouldn't put up with you doing this to her. She would end the relationship pronto. So what does she think of you enduring so much abasement? No better word than contempt; thats just what she is displaying and you should not accept this, not if you have any pride left.


Posts: 1748 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
coda87
♂ Member
Member # 40669
Default  Posted: 3:53 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Once I decided to file, I have not told her I already went to see my attorney and told him to file. She will find out once she is served the divorce papers. I did write I letter to her saying that I can't endure this anymore and that I am moving on. She probably thinks I am bluffing because in the past I've always said, "I'm going to see my attorney tomorrow" or something to that effect.

Also the last MC session was on 10/9, the day she came back from her vacation and said she doesn't think the marriage will work out. We have no further MC sessions scheduled.

The OMW said that their divorce will take a while because of immigration issues and because they own several companies which she should get 50% of the value. So I just think my WW is waiting for him to be free, and just using me to stay comfortable/financially secure until that time comes.
Or if it doesn't work out with him, she thinks I'm still here waiting for her. I realize all this now. And all the information I have and her actions back up these assumptions.

The problem is that I feel totally heartbroken. The last three days since I've decided to move on, the pain I feel is almost as bad as I felt right after D-Day. And I'm worried that one small gesture of kindness from my WW will put me back in the palm of her hand again. How do I stay strong? The OMW is so decisive and way tougher than me. I wish I could be that way.

I have to stay in my home with the kids. Attorney said it doesn't look good if I leave because that is disrupting my kids life. I asked my WW to leave a couple days ago. But I can't force her to leave per my attorney. It would be easier for me emotionally if she was out of the house.

[This message edited by coda87 at 4:01 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday)]


Married 12yrs, known 14
DDay 8/21/13
BH 44
WW/STBXW 41
3 kids 12,10,8

Posts: 127 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Honolulu
Bigger
♂ Member
Member # 8354
Default  Posted: 7:43 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Coda
Break out of victim mentality....
Your house is on fire. Your last post reeks of wondering why your house is on fire, that it isn’t fair your house is on fire, that the flames will damage your curtains and the water to extinguish it will mess up your carpets… All good and true issues but none that is going to help you kill the fire.

Set your sights on the destination:
Sending her a letter that you are moving out and then not moving out… that’s breaking the three paths I suggested. Moving out is making the affair easier, by threatening it and not acting on it it’s making the marriage less attractive and it makes divorce easier. From now on stop making threats and start taking action.

Attorney tells you not to move out. So don’t. It has to be worth it to endure some pain if it makes the rest of your life better. But start making REALISTIC plans for how the in-house separation will look like. Do you have an extra room? Can one of the kids move in with mommy in the big bedroom and you move into a kids room? Separate beds in the master-bedroom? Can you alternate so you spend 2 days a week with friends, she spends 2 days a week with friends and you cohabit for 3? Think out of the box. Think solutions – not problems.

Coda – Afraid your wife will show a sign of kindness? Well – the only thing she can do that can change anything is commit to NC. That’s it. Enforceable NC. She does that and if you are still willing anything can happen. Until then try as you can to feel empowered. After all – your wife is still meandering around in the fog. You on the other hand have a destination.


"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

Posts: 5565 | Registered: Sep 2005
OK now
♀ Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 8:06 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So I just think my WW is waiting for him to be free, and just using me to stay comfortable/financially secure until that time comes.
Or if it doesn't work out with him, she thinks I'm still here waiting for her.

I think your assessment is spot on, but its highly unlikely that a guy whose about to endure divorce and lose half his money, will then take on a woman with three kids. Their affiliation will be to you not to this interloper who their mom is so taken with. Why should this OM bring up someone else's children? He will have just got free of one suffocating situation and I don't see him committing to your wife and getting into another one.

He's just using your wife for some exciting sex not for any binding commitment. Wait and see. Meanwhile divorce her rather than wait for her to leave with the kids, or get you out of the house so boyfriend can move in. You've had enough humiliation; its time for you to assume some measure of control and stop waiting for her to dump on you again.


Posts: 1748 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
coda87
♂ Member
Member # 40669
Default  Posted: 8:20 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry if I implied something else, but I'm not moving out of my house. I can't financially afford to anyway. In the letter I said I am moving on (not out). By moving on I meant doing what I have to do to get out of the infidelity situation which to me at this point means filing for divorce. My attorney advised me not to move out, so I will endure living with my WW until the divorce. We already sleep in separate rooms. Although it's very difficult for me emotionally, I think I can endure it now that I'm moving forward. I'm just worried I'll give in again to my WW if she starts trying to persuade me to wait again. I will insist on verifiable NC this time or no deal. Or maybe she won't do anything. It's puzzling why she is not reacting to anything (my request for her to leave the house, my letter). I bet she has no reaction to being filed divorce papers either. She is Mrs. Spock/Vulcan.


Married 12yrs, known 14
DDay 8/21/13
BH 44
WW/STBXW 41
3 kids 12,10,8

Posts: 127 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Honolulu
OK now
♀ Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 8:54 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I will insist on verifiable NC this time or no deal.

There you go again, trying to bargain with the devil. That won't end her affair, since there is no such thing as verifiable NC. She's an accomplished liar and will keep her lover until such time as he gets bored with her, or she leaves to be with him.
You are helpless if you keep on trying to bargain with her. Since she has no respect for you, she will do as she thinks fit.

Its highly likely that the affair with the OM will peter out; how do you think that leaves your marriage? Its not likely she will magically resume loving you, so you will continue to be unhappy for the foreseeable future; trying to come to terms with her cruel behavior and lack of compassion.

You're trapped by your own lack of courage, but nevertheless I sincerely wish you future happiness. Maybe your wife will come to her senses after all; I certainly hope so.


Posts: 1748 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
MC_Jack
♂ Member
Member # 35016
Default  Posted: 9:40 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But believe us – NOTHING is going to help towards possible reconciliation as much as exposure.

^^^ yup. I had my WW tell everyone. I was not going to have anyone think that she was a 'victim'. Guess what? She is still alive. The world did not end with disclosure.
Think solutions – not problems.

^^^ yup. no more bargains. Give her the papers. Then watch very closely...and do not budge. You will know if she defogs or is remorseful or wants to save the M when you see it. It will not be because of any deal....
She is Mrs. Spock/Vulcan.

^^^She is probably just obsessing over OM in fantasy world as a coping mechanism. "Oh, I will be with OM very soon...all is well."


I am not a marriage counselor. I chose "MC Jack" because I like the Music City. I did know what MC stood for on this site. Duh.

Posts: 881 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: Mountain West
happyman64
♂ Member
Member # 33212
Default  Posted: 9:54 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Coda
We know. It like a body snatcher took over your wife.

The key is to stop focusing on her.

Put the effort on you, your kids and the future.

Your wife is just someone that you used to know.

And stop looking for that one sign of kindness from her or her agreeing to a verifiable NC.

She lies. She screwed the OM for a sex filled Victoria secret week. She does not respect you let alone herself.

She deserves to feel the loss of her marriage.

Give her the divorce she craves. She is not confused at all because she is a user.

So respect yourself.

Your wife is not your friend anymore. She thinks she found greener pastures.

Wish her good luck.

Because they always affair down.

HM


Posts: 899 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: New York
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