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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: 3 weeks after Dday
coda87
♂ Member
Member # 40669
Helpless  Posted: 7:32 PM, September 13th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I found out on 8/21/13 my wife is having an affair with another man she knows through business networking. I had a gut feeling something was wrong maybe a month or two prior. Even asked her if she met someone, but she denied it.
Finally I looked at her email account and found evidence. I confronted her and she admitted an emotional affair with the OP. This was Wednesday night. Two days later she and the OP met at a hotel and made the affair a physical one. She also got another cell phone and changed passwords on her PC, old phone, FB, everything.

For the first two weeks I felt devastation, desperation, and anger which was delayed a few days but came on strongly. She has not really shown remorse or guilt. Nor has she been empathetic with the hurt and anger that I'm feeling. The only way I could get her to talk was by threatening to leave or by threatening to tell the OP's wife (which I eventually figured out). She went to a lawyer for a consultation (but not to start any divorce or separation action). She says she needs time to figure out what she wants. Says she didn't intend to leave our marriage. But she says she loves me less now because of my anger and that I have been snooping on her.

It sounds pretty hopeless to me. Anyway, started the 180 about 5 days ago. Also consulted with a divorce atty just to see what my options are and what to expect.

What does everyone think? Is it too late? Should I cut my losses and start over? I'm thinking why suffer through trying to work it out when I do not see any remorse from her. Does the remorse come later because she is in the "Fog" I see people talking about?

I am really confused, because she has done some hopeful things. She met a counselor for some IC. And it planning to go again next week. She has been staying home at night. (used to be out 3-4 times a week). Says she has not seen or talked to OP, but I dont really trust her anymore. Since I have started the 180, she is acting a little more nicer and talking a bit more.

I have not felt this bad before.


Married 12yrs, known 14
DDay 8/21/13
BH 44
WW/STBXW 40
3 kids 12,9,8

Posts: 109 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Honolulu
SeanFLA
♂ Member
Member # 32380
Default  Posted: 8:05 PM, September 13th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've been through something similar so I know exactly what you're talking about. We are close to the same age. Listen...your WW like mine left the marriage a long time ago but were too chickenshit to talk to us. They never told us something was wrong. She has met with an attorney. Generally once a woman has done this the course is set.

She's being nicer to you because she's not sure what you are doing. The 180 has confused her because you aren't chasing her. And don't chase her. It's the mistake I made. Even if you do R, could you ever be with her again knowing she had sex with another man? It takes time to digest these things through. Right now you feel completely lost and all you can think is WTF just happened?

Know that this has nothing to do with you. It's all on her. You have to be very hard with her right now. Screw this "You were angry with me" crap. Of course you should be angry! That's nothing but blameshifting on her part. Best thing to do is go very dark on her. And begin making plans. Let me know if you need more support. Stay strong...you did nothing wrong.

[This message edited by SeanFLA at 8:06 PM, September 13th (Friday)]


BS(me) 47
WW 46
1 son 14 yrs old
Married 18 yrs, together 21 yrs

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." ~ Bob Marley


Posts: 1349 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Zombie Land
OK now
♀ Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 8:46 PM, September 13th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She wants the OM and her marriage; now she has to figure out a way to get both.

My guess is she will take the affair underground and convince you that her cheating is totally over. It will mean seeing the OM less for a while, but thats the price she is prepared to pay for keeping her family intact. So be vigilant; your WW has no remorse and this affair is alive and kicking.

I noted the insult she payed you; admitting the affair then marching out and sleeping with the OM to make it a PA. Not much respect there. You might consider asking her to leave; at least she wouldn't be committing adultery and living at home


Posts: 1469 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
Broken1Again
♀ Member
Member # 32211
Default  Posted: 8:47 PM, September 13th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry you have had to find yourself in need of this forum, but it is the best place for support when you do need it.

You are on the right track with the 180. Keep doing what you are doing. Keep her guessing for a change as to what you are doing and thinking. Like the previous poster said, "go Dark". I know it doesn't help your reeling emotions though. The only thing that will help those is time.

She needs to figure her sh!t out and so do you. Remember this is a marathon and not a sprint. If she wants out then she wants out, but if you don't know what you want, then take your time to decide. You will go through a seesaw of emotions none of which will give you the right answer. Take your time. See if she gets remorseful. Right now she is like a child, angry because you caught her hand in the cookie jar and grounded her. So now she's throwing a tantrum and blaming you for being a bad parent and leaving the cookie jar out in the open as tempation (ie...things you did in the marriage specifically led her to the A). It is not on you. It is on her.


BS: 40
WS: 42
Two boys 13/11
Married 15 years
Dday: too Many to remember. 3 significant OW and many "less"'significant OW. Believe WS has bad boundaries and craves the attention.
In R.

Posts: 825 | Registered: May 2011
Broken1Again
♀ Member
Member # 32211
Default  Posted: 8:48 PM, September 13th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And yes...if she slept with him after you found out, 2 days later, I'd be packing her bags pronto...


BS: 40
WS: 42
Two boys 13/11
Married 15 years
Dday: too Many to remember. 3 significant OW and many "less"'significant OW. Believe WS has bad boundaries and craves the attention.
In R.

Posts: 825 | Registered: May 2011
LMYE
♂ New Member
Member # 34561
Default  Posted: 9:33 PM, September 13th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry you find your self here coda87.What is it you're looking for? To save the marriage? If so and to have a chance then you have to really make sure the affair is over.

One of the best things you can do is tell the OM's wife.He may just throw your wife under the bus to try and save his own marriage.


Posts: 39 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: canada
sunsetslost
♂ Member
Member # 39885
Default  Posted: 10:49 PM, September 13th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your only obligation is to your self. It is so important to hydrate. Drink water. Eat good food. Don't over do it on booze. Examine your relationship but don't accept guilt. Prepare yourself legally, financially and emotionally. It's going to be a fight. If she's not fighting then you throw in the towel. Get better. It gets better. Hugs. Support. Strength. It's there. We are here for you.


D Day: 6/13/13
Moving on. Every Single Day.

Posts: 481 | Registered: Jul 2013
coda87
♂ Member
Member # 40669
Default  Posted: 2:15 AM, September 14th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for all your comments. I'm really trying to understand what she is thinking. But I guess I will just give it time and see what happens. I am seriously considering telling the OP's wife. At first my WW didn't want me to do this. But the other day she say I should if I want to. Now I am wondering maybe she wants to see the OP's reaction once his wife knows. If his wife leaves him, or he leaves his wife, I could backfire on me. I have to consider this carefully. I will definitely continue with the 180 though.

Aloha to all of you.

[This message edited by coda87 at 2:15 AM, September 14th (Saturday)]


Married 12yrs, known 14
DDay 8/21/13
BH 44
WW/STBXW 40
3 kids 12,9,8

Posts: 109 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Honolulu
Smokehouse
♂ Member
Member # 40203
Angry  Posted: 4:03 AM, September 14th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was in the same boat as you are now. Tell the other BS or not. If I do, he might become available and I lose my wife. You have lost her already! Maybe not totally and for good, but, she is not even considering you, your pain and well being. Not considering her marriage to you, the vows you took, the promises that were made.

The other BS needs to know so she can at least have the opportunity to make a decision herself. My opinion is she is lying to you about not having contact with the AP. why wouldn't she? You know the AP is wondering if you are going to tell his wife, you know they have talked about this! Her telling you to go ahead and contact his BS is not what she really wants. My wife protected her AP every step of the way. I too, was worried he would leave his BS or she would kick him out and they would be together. I struggled with this for over a month. I felt extreme guilt for not telling the OM's wife. If she had discovered it and not told me, I would have felt betrayed by her. She has a right to know.

IMO, the affair has went underground. Shining light on the affair will have them scurrying like cockroaches in different directions. It will force your wife to deal with the betrayal! Don't help the affair by not telling the AP's betrayed spouse. It will also give you some relief. My guilt lifted almost immediately. My wife's AP did not want to lose his marriage. Also, you may gain an ally. Two monitoring the both puts you in control.

Pull your cell phone bills for the times and length you find out it was going on. Send the emails to yourself, print them off to give to the other BS. Keep copies for yourself in case your lawyer needs them

Take care of yourself. It will feel robotic for a while, but you need to be strong physically to deal with the mental aspect of it all. It is truly devastating.

BS-49
WW-33
DDay #1-07/21/13
DDay #2-08/15/13 secret cell phone discovered!
Trying to heal myself. Working towards a day when true reconciliation can begin!

[This message edited by Smokehouse at 4:06 AM, September 14th (Saturday)]


Posts: 147 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Ohio
jb3199
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Member # 27673
Default  Posted: 5:08 AM, September 14th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But the other day she say I should if I want to. Now I am wondering maybe she wants to see the OP's reaction once his wife knows. If his wife leaves him, or he leaves his wife, I could backfire on me. I have to consider this carefully.

What can backfire on you? That OM will become available and your wife will go to him?

That is not a backfire, that is merely an indicator of what kind of reconcilable material your wife is made of. Ask yourself---do you want your wife to stay with you simply because the OM hasn't left his home? Do you want to be her 2nd or 3rd choice?

This is not a competition. If you feel that you have to vie for your wife's attention with other men, then you are better off getting out of this marriage today. If you don't have a spouse that is behind you 100%, then what are you fighting for?

Yes, obviously she isn't 100% behind you right now---if she always was, then you wouldn't be on an infidelity website. But, you have to realize that you can not win her back--all that you can do is show her that (1) what she is willing to lose, and (2) that you and the marriage were not a bad place to begin with. That is it...nothing more. If she doesn't want to be a part of that, then you are fighting a one-sided battle. And I can assure you...no, GUARANTEE YOU...that tiptoeing around topics that should never even have to be considered in a marriage, is a recipe for a long, drawn out, failure.

Don't fear her leaving. Don't fear anything related to the affair. You can be upset if the marriage doesn't make it, but never fear it....because acting upon fear will be one of your biggest regrets in the future.

[This message edited by jb3199 at 5:10 AM, September 14th (Saturday)]


BH-46
WW-44
2 boys-17 & 19(special needs)
Married 21yrs.(together 26yrs.)

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day: 9/18/09 D-Day#2: 2/19/10 The Marriage Killer: 6/6/11
Heading for D


Posts: 1869 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: northeast
kannan
♂ Member
Member # 36057
Default  Posted: 12:18 PM, September 15th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

she wants to see the OP's reaction once his wife knows. If his wife leaves him, or he leaves his wife, I could backfire on me. I have to consider this carefully.

How can it back fire you? You are scared that if he got booted out your wife will run for him. Why you wanted to be with a wife for whom you are a second prize? Why you are ready to settle with the second prize? Scared, REALLY?


Posts: 134 | Registered: Jul 2012
cluless
♀ Member
Member # 40538
Angry  Posted: 12:55 PM, September 15th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm about a week behind you from the true D-Day. I was reading what you wrote, when your wife wrote this:

But she says she loves me less now because of my anger and that I have been snooping on her.

Have you heard of emotional blackmail? THAT is a LOAD of crap! Don't you ever feel or apologize for what SHE did to YOU. I love how our spouses try to put the blame on us somehow, if we were this or if we were that... that's all bull shit.

Go get that book, and really read it. If she is truly remorseful she will drop to her knees and beg your forgiveness. Sounds like to me she went full steam ahead into the affair. There is another book I've been reading that might help, it's called After the Affair by Janis Abrahms Spring.

You have GOT to read this too. Delve in and you will know what you need to find out so you can make a decision. I'm spinning out of control myself, I drank an entire bottle of wine last night (and I'm not a drinker) and threw up for 2 hours. I feel like I'm dying inside, a little at a time. Hang in there, educate yourself about the TRUTH. Don't you let her make this about you, this is all about herself and her selfishness.

Hang in there...


WH 56
BS 54 -- Me!
LTA EA/PA 1-1/2 years.
D-Day 8-12, 2nd D-Day 9-13, 3rd D-Day 10-13 4th D-Day 10-14. 5th D-Day 10-31-13
Married 15 yrs, together 19.
MC & IC has been a JOKE.


Default Posted: 12:11 PM, July 30th (Wednesday), 2008 View P


Posts: 150 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Oceanside
hurtsobadinside
♂ Member
Member # 35308
Default  Posted: 2:22 PM, September 15th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You have just rec'd some great advice. The one thing you neeed to accept is
You cannot NICE your WW back into your marriage

She has to come back on her own. She is in a mojor fog right now...and that PA hookup was a selfish attempt feel safe with her AP in what she doesnt realize at this time is a fake "make believe" world.

You need to advise the AP's faithful wife ...do it NOW
...dont tell your wayward wife you are going to do this... do not let her know at all say nothing to her

just do it and watch what happens then....if AP tells your WW what you did, you will know contact is continuing... and at this time she prefers to protect her AP over you, the children and your marriage.
but once its outed, that all can change.
then when he goes back to his betrayed wife to R,you can define your terms of "R". to her

In my case, i not only notified the AP's wife, I kept contact with her and we both kept watch on our waywards until real NC took place...which was about 3 mos after I confronted.

Also, I purchased a SIM card reader and retreived all her texts and pictures off her cell including "deleted" pics and texts.

When she gave me the song and dance about how dare i investigage her etc..
(while she also had that deer in headlights look) which sounds like the same look your WW had (its part of the fog) i told her "I HAD EVERY RIGHT TO KNOW WHAT IS GOING ON IN MY MARRIAGE-JUST AS SHE WOULD IF THIS WAS REVERSED"
AND... she had nothing to say.. how do you respond to that to agrue you cant...

Now the AP's faithful wife also has that right... to this day she thanks me for calling her.

Sending you strength to get thru this mess...you had no vote counted in the decisioin about your wife's "A".. do they work at the same company? if so, you can contact their HR dept and both may get fired, this is expecially safisfying if they do leave both of you and attempt to live in their make believe world/ Will be hard with no jobs.


ME: 59 BS
Her: 57 WW
married 25 yrs
knew each other 27 yrs.
her : LTA (PA & EA) former boss 7 yrs.(maybe 10?)
D- 24 yrs old former Eating disorder left wtih OCB
D-day Early March 2012
Confrontation-day: late April 2012
Lies, TT, rug sweeping, blame placing and fog months
NC: april 2012 -broke N/C immediately
lies about NC for 3 months
True NC: july 2012
I "outed " the "A" to her AP's wife and we kept in contact to assure complete N/C was maintained
IN "R" and its been a roller-coaster ride just like everyone has said


Posts: 151 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Illinois
coda87
♂ Member
Member # 40669
Default  Posted: 2:31 PM, September 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just a update, now 4 weeks after Dday. My WW is very reluctant to talk about the affair and our future. So every few days I bring up the subject, she gets defensive, I get angry. She says everytime I do this it weakens what love she has left for me. She admitted she still texts her AP on a second phone that she got. I am not sure if they are seeing each other in person during the daytime, because I am at work. But she has been staying home every night the last several weeks.

She went to a therapist for one session of IC. Then yesterday asked me to go together to see the therapist which I agreed to do.
I'm not sure I learned anything that I didn't already know during the session. But at least the discussion didn't breakdown into a fight like when we talk about it at home. The therapist recommended that we only discuss the Affair/Marriage issues during therapy. I said I would try.

My WW wants to take a one week vacation away from our family and me to think things over. I am not sure if that it really what she wants or if she wants the time to see her AP. Anyway I can't stop her.

I'm still try to do the 180, but end up breaking some of the rules. I'm trying to detach emotionally from her but finding it very hard to do. A couple times I felt so depressed/hopeless I had minor anxiety/panic attacks.

What I dont understand it that she pretty much has 100% of the information about whats going on with herself, her AP (he is married and has two kids), and I have told her how I feel/what I want. So why can't she make up her mind? Pretty much only know how I feel since she wont share much details with me about her or her AP. Why does she need over month to think about things. Any one else have a similar experience with the WW/WH?


Married 12yrs, known 14
DDay 8/21/13
BH 44
WW/STBXW 40
3 kids 12,9,8

Posts: 109 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Honolulu
Stillkicking
♂ Member
Member # 38246
Default  Posted: 3:07 PM, September 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome coda, sorry about your situation but we have a great support system here and I am happy you found us. That being said...

My WW wants to take a one week vacation away from our family and me to think things over. I am not sure if that it really what she wants or if she wants the time to see her AP. Anyway I can't stop her.

This means that she wants to go spend time with her AP without you getting in the way, don't fall for her bullshit. Stand up for yourself and put an end to her calling the shots.

What if the OM's wife knew about the affair and you didn't? Wouldn't you want to know what your wife was doing behind your back? You need to tell her right away, this will also give you another set of eyes. Affairs do not survive the light of day, they live in dark corners of secrets and lies.

Somebody already said but it can't be said enough... YOU WILL NOT BE ABLE TO NICE YOUR WIFE BACK. It just doesn't fucking work, I tried and tried, but you know what worked? When on my birthday her and I where supposed to go out for a drink after work and she decided to blow me off for the posom, I told her fine went home packed my shit and told her I would not fucking be there when she got home. She was home before I even finished packing.

Stand up for yourself and put a stop to her calling the shots brother. Out the OM to his wife put your foot down and say enough is enough. Either she stops all contact with this bag of shit or you walk.

Keep your chin up, drink lots of water and make sure you are eating, and buckle up its gonna be one hell of rough ride.
Coda87)))))))) (Side man hugs)


You'll never learn to fly
until your standing at the cliff

I reserve my right to feel uncomfortable reserve my right to be afraid.
I make mistakes and I am humbled every step of the way.


Posts: 126 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Canada
toomanyregrets
♂ Member
Member # 37740
Default  Posted: 3:25 PM, September 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Maybe your WW leaving for a week will help YOU detach, since it sounds like your WW already has.

That week will be spent with the OM so that she can make sure that he's her "soul mate".

Talk to a lawyer ASAP.

[This message edited by toomanyregrets at 3:27 PM, September 19th (Thursday)]


BH - 63
fWW - 59

"Affairs are not mistakes, they are a series of deliberate choices." - CrappyLife


Posts: 430 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Upstate NY
TheClimb
♀ Member
Member # 25895
Default  Posted: 3:29 PM, September 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Coda:

The only way you even have a chance of stopping this affair is to tell the OM's wife. Do not tell your wife what you are about to do.

Affairs are like vampires; they avoid the light. They thrive in secrecy. Expose them both; let some light in.

Please trust us "old guys" here, you can never love them back into the marriage. The only chance your marriage has now is for you to be prepared to end it. RUN to your attorney and get the divorce papers drawn up. If your state allows it, use Adultery as the grounds. Have her served; don't tell her anything that you are planning.

You need to be serious about this. My husband wouldn't stop seeing and screwing his whore either until the day I told her in front of him that she could have him. That was some serious shit that day!

I wish I could say that things improved after that. He stopped seeing her and talking to her but still had some of the same shitty attitude as your wife. Even in reconciliation it is a tough road and you won't forget how shitty she was in these early days.

Please, please tell the OM's wife. Watch the frickin fireworks after that. You my friend have nothing else to lose. Your wife already has a boyfriend; you don't need to put up with that shit for one more second.

We are here for you. Let us know what happens.


"That which can be destroyed by the truth should be" P.C. Hodgell

Posts: 441 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Southern Maryland
coda87
♂ Member
Member # 40669
Default  Posted: 3:59 PM, September 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What is the best way to inform the AP's wife? I found out her name and the address she and the AP live at. I don't want to go in person. Should I just send a letter via Registered Mail with copies of my WW & AP's incriminating emails as proof?


Married 12yrs, known 14
DDay 8/21/13
BH 44
WW/STBXW 40
3 kids 12,9,8

Posts: 109 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Honolulu
Stillkicking
♂ Member
Member # 38246
Default  Posted: 4:04 PM, September 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I made the OM tell his wife while I was standing right there so there was no bullshit. But in your case I would prepare a hand written letter and seal it into an envelope with all your evidence and your cell number (so you can compare notes later, trust me this will help verify) and hand deliver it to her as mail can be intercepted. You could use email or social media such as Facebook. You don't have to talk to her or stick around while she opens it, just say I have some info about your husband you need to read and leave it at that.

[This message edited by Stillkicking at 4:06 PM, September 19th (Thursday)]


You'll never learn to fly
until your standing at the cliff

I reserve my right to feel uncomfortable reserve my right to be afraid.
I make mistakes and I am humbled every step of the way.


Posts: 126 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Canada
1Faith
♀ Member
Member # 38975
Revenge  Posted: 4:40 PM, September 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She says she needs time to figure out what she wants.

Um, no...you need to figure out what you want now. Your AP or this marriage...you can't have both. I, nor this marriage is an option so pick and we will do our best to move forward.

But she says she loves me less now because of my anger and that I have been snooping on her.

Really? I apologize because this sounds incredibly snarky but how about you say
"well, I love you a bit less as well since you've lied and betrayed me continually and oh yeah, and that you had sex with another man."

Do not allow her to place this on you. Her choices, her behavior, she has to own the affair for any chance of saving your marriage.


threatening to tell the OP's wife

Did you tell her? If not, you should. She deserves to know just like you deserved to know. If she knew, wouldn't you want her to tell you? Also, the best way to bring this to an end is to have it out in the open. If the OM is worried about saving his own marriage he has less time to be focusing on your WW.

Good luck. You and your family deserve better.

(((hugs and prayers)))

[This message edited by 1Faith at 4:42 PM, September 19th (Thursday)]


If you're going through hell, keep going. - Winston Churchill

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