Love is a Verb.
I'm here not because I wanted to get divorced but because I finally stood up for myself and said "enough". I refused to stay in a marriage with a spouse who was actively cheating and rugsweeping.
Many ride an emotional roller coaster for quite a while. You are strong you just don't know it right now and you don't feel it. When you are divorced you can look back and realize how strong you really were.
Please learn from our mistake and use our wisdom. If you check out my profile you will see that I went thru A LOT. I didn't listen to the SI'ers because I believed my WH would never be so cruel.... Please move half of the marital money to an account only you can access. It's will save you so much devastation if he is annoying like my ex.
If you need help or have questions feel free to pm me.
Edited to correct my spelling
[This message edited by courageous at 10:12 PM, September 12th (Thursday)]
My ipad does a lot of crazy typos.
Then I thought leaving would avoid the pain.
Truth is there is no avoiding it. It's all horrible. I know for me staying was not an option - his complete lack of remorse made the decision 'easier' but no less painful. It was agony.
Even if he did have true remorse it turns out this was a dealbreaker for me after all. I didn't want it to be - I raged against it. I didn't really accept it until we had been S for a few months. That realisation was agonising too.
I had strength in spades but it worked against me - it meant I was able to withstand an incredible amount of shit. My willpower was also so strong that I lied to myself as much if not more than he did. I didn't lack strength or willpower - it was courage I lacked.
I would very likely still be struggling through False R right now had he continued to feign remorse. The absence of it forced my hand well before I had built the courage to do it myself.
((Tripletrouble)) I was paralysed by fear of the unknown. Being a single mum was my single greatest fear. It was one of the reasons I was leaning towards not having children. The sad clown and everyone knew this was my greatest fear.
After DD I realised my greatest fear was continuing to live a lie.
I simply do not have what it takes for R whether or not he had true remorse.
Sending you strength and healing. Don't expect too much of yourself right now. You don't have to do anything but get through this next minute, this hour, this day. The rest will happen the way it happens whether you focus on your fear or not.
You don't have to make any permanent decisions either. Do what you need to get through right now - focus on you and your needs and you can't go wrong.
I'm so sorry. It gets better - so much better. But I know it hurts like hell right now.
And why is everyone else always stronger than you?
For example, I divorced my xWW. I was strong. You survived a false R. I don't know how someone survives that, and it does make me feel that they are stronger. But, they aren't. They are different.
It's Ok. One thing at a time. If you want to explore the "whys" of asking who is stronger, fine. You've got your whole life to do that. First, do exactly what you're doing. Think. Feel. Post here. Chart your course. Focus on what you need to survive this and become healthy again.
...even more strength to you!
Or sometimes the opposite is stated, that it is harder to D. In both cases, I usually hear the undertone that it is more admirable to choose the "harder" path.
I don't agree with that and don't think we should base life decisions on which is perceived as harder, or easier.
For me, I divorced my first H. I had three young kids at the time and very little money.
In my current M, we successfully R'ed. I based my decision to R on his extreme remorse and efforts to show me he could be the H that I deserve. I do not regret either decision for either M. I have never really felt weak for my decisions to stay or leave, and neither should you. You just do what is best for you.
I don't think what you're feeling is a lack of strength. I think it's fear. You jumped off the cliff and can't see into the unknown just yet. Thats a scary thing to know that things will be changed now forever. At the same time, when you tried to R, that horrible fear of it happening all over again was there along with the fear that you would waste your precious time with someone who simply didn't care as much about your future. You're kind of damned if you do and damned if you don't when the fear is there on both sides of the fence.
It's all normal.
The main thing now is to not let that fear hold you back from what your heart has already told you is the best and/or necessary thing to do. We are all strong down here in DS. But, we all fall down sometimes. The strength is shown in how we get back up.
Like taking climbing a mountain, one step at a time. When you get winded halfway up and think about giving up, turn around and look back and gain strength from how far you've come.
I have been through all types of A's in my two marriages to two different WH's. I finally D XWH#1 after 22yrs of marriage for a EA with an 18yr old he refused to give up his "friendship" with. I had already been through too many EA, PA, ONS's to attempt R again. He was never going to change and I had to eventually get to the point of I'm done.
With WH#2 he had a LTA with an old fuckbuddy he knew prior to marrying me. He has since went NC and we are attempting R. I am still out on the decision of wether he can actually remain faithful and I still have the power to decide that if he doesn't, I will file for D. I will not be hurt again and he knows it.
There is no right or wrong, harder or easier. It all sucks and it all hurts. Only you can decide which path you want to take. (((HUGS)))
It is often said here that its not the cheating but what happens after DD that is what ends the M.
The betrayals beyond infidelity are why I will be NCing him for the rest of my life.
You will land just fine.
Few of us landed on our feet, but standing up and dusting off? Totally doable.