My STBX used to be against Divorce, used to have pretty strong opinion about this. NOW, he says " I never said that."
He is so selfish. He simply does not see the devastation and damage. He thinks the kids are "so wonderful, intelligent and adaptable" that all will be fine. I must be exaggerating how upsetting this is/will be for them. As long as HE Is happy, we will all adjust...and he knows "this is the best thing for you too, you weren't happy, you just didn't know it..." Thanks for figuring it out for me ahole.
Now, that he is out of the house He is angry with me because he believes I am standing in the way of his "parenting" of the kids. He misses them, but somehow this is MY FAULT not consequences of HIS ACTIONS.
He has been trying to rush me into having the big "talk" with them "as a united front" so he can bring them to his new place, and introduce them to his new life. He has been seeing them quite a bit, but short visits. He is tired of being the dinner guy, arcade guy, disney dad- and he is upset that he can't help with homework, and tuck them in at night....oh, should have thought of that while you were f"ing another woman and lying and betraying me for 16 months, and ultimately, the kids too.
Oh, sad, yet also so F'ing Funny. Funny that he didn't do all that much "parenting" when he was here. He was in his office "working" alot, which really meant IMing with his skank whore girlfriend, pretending he had "work dinners" or going on "business trips." MR. lazy ass laying on the couch watching tv. I did most everything. He didn't take them or pick them up from school, help with homework, organize or plan family activities. He was just along for the ride most of the time, like another child. He took very little initiative, but of course, they love him and he is still daddy.
My 2nd grade daughter today asked me why boys think they are stronger. I said I don't know, and she said, I think women are stronger because they work so much harder. She said "moms do everything for their kids and family" and "dads lay around and watch TV." Of course, if she said this to him, he would start blaming me and say that I planted that thought in her head. NOT AT ALL. They know, just like I know, that he did very little...
YET- NOW- he believes that he did all these things. He has a completely different view of the past- one where we were unhappily married FOR YEARS, I was a "dictator" and only "settled" for him and he did "50% of the parenting." In Divorce therapy, he is trying to create this other version of history, and even of the current situation, and it is like talking to an insane 4 year old. It is like he is on drugs or in a cult. He makes no sense, but I can tell he actually believes what he is saying??? This is driving me crazy.
Are they all the same?? Is it the only way they can justify what they did and find a way to sleep at night?
A few things:
1. Yes. They believe their revised versions.
2. They have had time to do the mental gymnastics necessary to help justify their unjust, immoral and pain causing behavior.
3. They don't realize they are doing it. I'm sure it's a natural defense mechanism in our psyche, one that helps us not feel quite so bad about our bad choices. It gets them to the point where they can say, "OK. OK. I screwed up, BUT..........."
4. When my xWW was laying all of her revisionist history on me and blame shifting, I felt like I was talking to a stranger.
5. It continues after divorce. I have primary custody of our two young kids. My XWW sees our kids three weekends per month. Effectively, she's with them for 6 days.....if you stretch what a "day" is, you might get to 9 days. But, she tells her mother she has them for 16 days a month.
All I can say is good luck.
Note: I have some thoughts on telling the kids. I went through it. If you're interested, just send me a PM.
And he is STILL rewriting things to his little friends because he is still with the OW and is trying to make himself look good to her and her family.
But as one of my cousins put it "A wrong thing is still a wrong thing". It doesn't matter how much he tries to blame me for, it doesn't make what he is doing any more right. And yes, it's how they sleep at night. It's to avoid actually looking in the mirror at themselves and is in no way a reflection of you.
Much hugs to you...it takes a lot of energy to ignore all the bull they try to pass off as the truth knowing that it's a complete lie. I hold on to the fact that the REAL truth ALWAYS comes out.
Listen, my STBX actually wanted me to abort my children. He told me he'd never forgive me for ruining his life by forcing him to become a father. Told me he'd never love the children and would hate me forever. Was seldom home when we were together, was forever out spending 20+ hours a week (after work and all weekend) on his precious hobby ("Hey, at least I'm not out doing drugs!" Really? That's supposed to make it better?) so he wouldn't have to be around the children.
But when it came time to get divorced? He made it sound like he was the GD MF-ing Father of the Year, and I was the horrible Bitch Whore of Babylon who was alienating the children & keeping them from him. He wanted 50% custody. Nevermind that he told people he only wanted that so he could pay less in child support.
Yes, they all revise history. Be VERY wary of any appearance on YOUR part of keeping the children from him "because he didn't do all that much parenting when he was here". The court system won't give a flying fuck how much of a lousy dad he used to be. All they'll see is you, the bitter wife, using the children as pawns in a power play to punish your husband, even though HE is the one using the children to punish YOU (by taking them away from you).
The legal system is rigged against protective mothers. Be very careful.
My STBXH actually told me after dday #3 (or was it dday #4, I can't remember) that he NEVER wanted kids and I forced him into being a father and he knew he wasn't cut out for that. He told me.."don't get me wrong, I love them but I never WANTED them!"
Most cheaters are selfish. They have to be in order to actually do this to other people. They NEVER think about their unsuspecting spouse or children and how their actions will inflick pain. They need to fulfil something missing inside them more.
Know that anything you will say at this point will fall on deaf ears and will only cause you stress and hurtful words in return. Best to ignore. YOU CAN'T FIX STUPID!!!!!
You need to be very careful. You need to protect yourself. He is not your friend anymore, and he does not have your best interests at heart.
Don't protect him, don't sugarcoat things. His reputation is not your cross to bear. He made his bed.
Mine certainly did including telling me I pushed him away which is not true.
And I know he and OW talked about how awful I was and poor him blah, blah, blah.
They both didn't seem to mind having an A though, even though I had just given birth to my DD by a c-section after nearly 11 days of slow labour, post-partum haemmorage, and wearing a catheter for 8 weeks.
Yet I was obviously the bad guy for wanting him to be home more with me and his children.
Do whatever you can to protect yourself.
That said, they are NOT all the same. Some are good people who made bad choices but their actions AFTER the fact are much different. Unremorseful POS waywards tend to be a lot alike. They are corrupted on the inside and tend to have some of the same mental and personality problems that led them to be unremorseful cheaters.
They are the scum of the Earth IMO. They are the type of people who could rationalize any horrible thing they do because it has to be someone else's fault. They can't look at themselves, they won't grow up, they won't do what a good person would do because it's not in them. There are good people who do/have done bad things and there are bad people who do/have done good things. I'm learning to accept that I probably married and had children with a bad one who does good for the wrong reason but ultimately can freely do bad things without a conscience.
Is it the only way they can justify what they did and find a way to sleep at night?
It's the only way some can. However, some people sleep just fine knowing they are dead wrong. They don't have the empathy that would keep a normal person up at night.
[This message edited by Housefulloflove at 2:00 PM, September 12th (Thursday)]
And FTR he cannot have a "girlfriend" when he is married. She is his mistress, adultress, harlet, whore, slut, F* partner, and some really nasty sounding adjectives....but girlfriend is only for single men not in an A.
I know that they all probably do the revisionist history thing, classic cheater strategy.
He does want 50/50 custody and he is gearing up for it. He is painting me exactly as Nature Girl said...the bitter wife trying to punish him. I think he used those exact words.
It is probably part of the lawyers speech. "hey, it takes 2 to ruin a marriage, and it is half her fault and now she is trying to punish you because she is bitter you left her cold ass. You have rights, we aren't going to let her take everything from you because you made a little mistake..."
Here is the thing, I have done nothing with the kids that I have not done with their best interest in mind. I have not done anything to alienate them. I try to act positive about them seeing and talking to "daddy."
He, on the other hand, is constantly sending me long emails trying to document his side of the story. Constantly trying to spin things to look like I am trying to be vindictive. I asked my atty if all this email crap makes and difference and she said he would get laughed out of court coming in with a stack of long emails about nothing and no judge would read it. So, I am not going to worry about his bullshit because I am doing the right thing by my kids.
In the direct aftermath of learning of his A, I did say and email some very nasty things, and amongst lots of other choice things, I did say something about being a shitty father- but nothing he can really use. There is no proof of me with holding the kids because I am not withholding them.
What a f**cker. I. Hate. Him. He is on the crazy train headed for no where.
The kids have been seeing him. I have been reasonable. I have been attending DIvorce Therapy with him "to develop a positive co-parenting relationship for the sake of the children." And now, I am playing nice and being super polite in all our correspondence.
Look, no marriage is perfect--especially when kids come along. There will be conflict. There will be anger, joy, sorrow, loss.
Either spouse can cherry-pick into eternity the "bad moments." But when these WS's vilify your entire marriage as unhappy, it is sickening. It is cruel. It invalidates everything in one horrible selfish swoop.
My marriage was a good one. We were each other's best friend. We got along great. We had a wonderful sex life. We fought and then we made up. And then fought again. And then made up. Through it all we loved each other. We told each other this frequently. We talked about how essentially good our marriage was--particularly with some of the unique challenges we faced.
When they tell us how terrible it was, it is clear (IMO) that they do believe it. I saw this certainty in my STBXWW's cold dead eyes when after she was caught, she told me she was unhappy for most of our marriage. It was so shocking to me when I realized she actually believed this lie.
Like many of us, I tried to show her the lie: "But what about this? What about the time we told each other that? What about the cards and letters testifying to the opposite of what you're telling me?" But this was reason. This was reality. And these are not permitted into their world of total entitlement and bottomless selfishness.
Their crimes are so deep, so destructive, and born of their own free will, that they must torture their reasoning to absolve themselves of empathy, of true remorse.
I've moved past this particular aspect in relation to her affair, but now she is revisiting it during the divorce, so it's rearing its ugly head again. It is no longer shocking, but still disturbing. I want to believe that they do know the truth, but sadly I think theirs is a blissful ignorance. I just see no soul.
He has also told me that I was really unhappy and would be glad to be divorced too. Gee, thanks for figuring out how I feel for me.
Ex-shat told people that he had to get out of our marriage because I was driving him to suicide.
There were so many other revisions...shit, I don't even remember them anymore.
I think we married the same guy. My STBX said/did the exact same things. He has also stated that the kids will be fine and that my 5 year old dd would even be happy for him.
He has also told me that I was really unhappy and would be glad to be divorced too.
I was married to this guy too, word for word. I'm still amazed at how much alike the WS's all seem to be.
He had it in his mind that he was a saint for staying with me a long as he did. I mean after all I was the crazy wife who never let him have any fun, never cooked like he wanted me to, never kept the house clean, never did anything for him. He had to do everything plus take care of me.
I mean if he had to do all that, it's a wonder he could find time to woo his women.
The rewrite to make everything they did okay in their little pea sized brains.
Hang in there. It took me a long time to learn to just smile and ignore.
My new mantra: Argue Your Limitations.
Tell the other person you were never happy. TEll them the marriage was bad for years. You love them, but not "in love" with them. Tell them they will be better off. Tell them kids are adaptable and they will adjust. If you say it with cold, snake eyes, even better. They will see you as an emotionless robot and if you are lucky, they will not forgive you. Because, you don't want them to forgive you, you want to be out of this. Follow this plan, and you too can be out of your marriage!!
Tell the other person you were never happy. TEll them the marriage was bad for years. You love them, but not "in love" with them. Tell them they will be better off. Tell them kids are adaptable and they will adjust. If you say it with cold, snake eyes, even better.
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, and yes. Same here. I remember one day I called him sobbing on the phone and he screamed at me, "I've always done everything for you. I'm finally doing something for ME!"
I found out several months later that she was not the first or only OW. Seems as if he'd been doing things for him all along.
When he wanted 50% custody I knew it would be hard on me, but good for the kids, & also felt that was the best medicine for him.
It was awesome to watch the first month or so. he had to make them school lunches (and had no idea which food they liked/refused to eat)
He also had to do the evening kids events and had to idea where to go (even though I emailed all the info), nor that snacks were needed too, which outfits & when.
He didn't know to pack extra clothes in the event of a spill or toilet miss hap (and yes I alerted him prior!)
He didn't know which little tricks to get the kids to behave and what set them off on tantrums.
He was a mess.
I finally felt vindicated since I'd been struggling as a single parent for our entire M and I was never appreciated. Finally I could say "See! it's hard work?!" (though I never would say it)
It took a legal court order to get him to parent but in the end its best for the kids. They love spending time with him, and it gives me a much needed break so when I have them I can be 100% engaged with the kids (and already have dinners made for the week, laundry all done, house tidy, work projects wrapped up, etc)
And I know he is wondering what the hell happened to his easy life with, a wifey looking after the kids, and putting dinner on the table, and paying the bills, while he kept 1/2 a dozen mistress on the side. Kids sure put a damper on his party life.