Back story: I've been married for almost 9 years, husband has admitted to at least 4 acts of infidelity, the most recent being right after I found out I was pregnant (I'm currently 32w). He claimed to be a sex addict but never followed through with counseling.
We recently moved cross country due to the military. Since this move my husband has been 'calmer' behavior-wise because his new job keeps him busy; however, there is a female friend from our last base he keeps in constant contact with. Long story short, between the all day calls and texts and his secrecy, I began to suspect an emotional affair.Confronted him on this, of course was told I was making a big deal about nothing. Things came to a head about 3 weeks ago. This friend came to town for a visit; he wanted her to stay in our house. I said absolutely not, especially since he claimed she wasn't there to visit him and I would be the one that would have to deal with her while he was at work. He told her no but was very upset about it, and gave me the silent treatment for days the minute she arrived in town. Finally one afternoon he went to hang out with her and her friends and didn't come home until the following morning; didn't tell me where he was going, who he was with, nothing. The one response I got was a text about 11 that night when I finally broke down and asked if and when he would be home; he told me not to expect him anytime soon. Tried calling around 8 the next morning; got his voicemail. I finally broke down, located HER number from our phone bill, and left her a message to have him contact me since I hadn't seen or heard from him in hours and she was the last person I knew he was with. He called back a few minutes later furious, telling me to never contact his friends and that he would talk to me when he got home. He then hung up on me.
I was flabbergasted but at the end of my rope at this point; called my family who recommended that it was time for me to take a break from him and leave. I agreed and they bought me a plane ticket for that afternoon. Before leaving I gave him a chance to explain himself; long story short he confirmed he spent the night in her room and that he wasn't going to allow me to disrespect his friends or dictate who he spent time with. I said ok, walked out the door, and haven't been back since. This was 3 weeks ago. Communication was terrible the first week or 2; I refused his calls and texts as most were rude or even threatening...not a single apology. I had pretty much resigned myself to the idea that I will be a single mother and having this baby here with my family and not back in AL with him. He is in my and the opinion of several others (HIS friends included) emotionally abusive and I don't want that for me or our child.
Here lies my dilemma. We have finally been able to have a few civil conversations and he has expressed several times that he wants to be there 24/7 for our son, but that would require me returning home, naturally. He finally admitted his past behavior is wrong and said he is willing to seek help, but I'm still in the "I'll believe it when I see it" mode and am not ready to return home yet. However, I don't want to be the one who completely threw in the towel because I got fed up and not have given one last attempt to fix our marriage. I will be flying home next week to gather some of my belongings for myself and the baby and preparing for a possibly permanent separation, but part of me still hopes that maybe one day we'll be able to fix this. He says he's willing to wait as long as it takes, but I keep telling him unless he's willing to work on himself just like I plan to work on MYSELF then there is no point in me coming home. I guess I just need some advice as to whether or not I'm just kidding myself or if someone else has been down this road and actually made it work. At the end of the day I just want what's best for my son. I'm sorry this is so long.
Welcome to Si. Sorry you find yourself in this predicament and at a time when you should be experiencing the most joy imaginable. Babies are such a blessing. Congratulations on yours.
You have to start with what you know... you know he has had 4 acts of infidelity. You also know that he admits to possibly being an SA. You also know that he has a friend that was an EA and could be a PA at this point. You know that he was not putting you first, especially when this friend came to town. You know he lies, disrespects you and is emotionally abusive.
What you don't know is if your WH means it this time or if he will stand the test of time. Words and promises to you do not prove this.
The only way to know for sure is by watching his actions over an extended period of time. And that CAN be done from a distance.
I get he wants to be involved in his son's life, but you know what? He should have thought about that before he brought his friend into town and went out with her and her friends.
He thought you would just take it or he didn't care, at the time, how you would react. Point is, his actions have consequences and he needs to man up, put up and shut up. Actions, mellie, actions.
I WOULD NOT BE QUICK TO GO BACK THERE .... many of us have returned too quickly or have let WS's back into the home too soon.
The only way to 'know' if he gets it this time, is to sit back and watch. Let him prove it. Best!
[This message edited by brokensmile322 at 9:15 AM, September 12th (Thursday)]
When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. ~Viktor Frankl
I think your attitude of "I'll believe it when I see it" is a good one to have. If he is truly remorseful and wants to be with you and your child let him prove it.
With enough determination and hard work people can change.
It might be a good idea to write up a list of requirements of him to consider R. There are a couple good posts in JFO that might help.
Before you say Reconcile
Boundaries and Consequences 101.
Be strong and let the weight fall an his shoulders.
"Knowing is half the battle"
He must do the heavy lifting if he wants you back, if he wants the marriage. I would not depend on his words, only his actions at this point.'Stay where you are for you and your baby's sake.
2 grown sons, 1 grown step-son
Last DDay, March 19, 2013 after a few weeks of TT- trying to have a new marriage after almost 35 years.
No more chances.
It sounds like he is trying to "hoover" you back in to the marriage again. You have to depend on actions now and not words. Yes, he may be willing to do what it takes now, but you will have to see first. Do not listen to the "pretty words" coming out of his lying mouth. If he wants you and the baby, make him prove it. His actions so far suck big time and you don't need that in your life or your childs life. It is hard to stand firm when they throw that nice side of them at you. Just keep telling yourself "actions, not words". For now I think you need to stay with your support system, imho, and let him prove it.
What's disrespectful is not keeping you informed of his whereabouts, not coming home, giving you the silent treatment because you didn't want to entertain his 'friend' while you're pregnant.
Actually, I think he's angry because your call showed to his friends that he's acting like a @#$% and pretty much entirely unworthy of respect.
I encourage you not to think of moving back with him until he's committed to therapy and until he's no longer abusive.
Throwing in the towel because you got fed up? Well, you could look at it like that, but IMO it's more accurate to think that leaving got you out of a toxic situation which will become even more toxic after you have an infant.
I hope your H follows through with his promise of getting help.
Is the ow - I think it became a PA, but I agree it's some sort of A in any case - also military? Isn't adultery a violation of the UCMJ? Have you considered reporting them through the chain of command?
I suspect you're right about his response being why his friends think he's emotionally abusive; when I asked him why people said that about him he said it was because of some of his behavior towards me in front of them. Considering I rarely spend time around his friends it hurt to think I allowed things to get that bad that even people on the outside were able to see the abuse before I could (or was willing to accept). Him being military does work in my favor, however, as like I said I will get his commander involved if necessary. The military frowns highly upon people not providing for their families and have been known to sequester money from their pay if necessary to cover familial expenses. Again, I don't want to go that route but I will if I have to; not trying to ruin his career (he does enough on his own to make that happen if he keeps it up).
[This message edited by mellie99 at 1:39 PM, September 12th (Thursday)]