I got through, no terrible physical reaction, just sadness.
Then h impulsively pulls into movie theater. He took her there. It was our very first date. Again, I said nothing. We went in nothing was starting for over an hour. We left. He told me he forgot until we left. I said it hurt that was all I said, left it alone.
Wednesday, at work, driving from an appointment, about 40 minute drive. Total meltdown. I didn't plan my thoughts in advance. I have to do this on long drives or I go to bad places at bad times. I just forgot?
Before I knew it, my mind was in out first date, the way it made me feel so happy, he had been so sweet and shy, our first sweet kiss goodbye. Then the horror, he did this with her. He dated her, she was his girlfriend, I saw him hold the door, smile at her, put his arm around her, I started feeling how he must have felt when with her on that date, nervous, excited, I felt insane. It was gut wrenching. That was ours, mine it was special and now that memory is tainted. It was a memory we often brought up over the years.
I had to pull into a parking lot to cry, texted h. He didn't see it for over and hour.
None of my "comforting" could pull me out, I got through the day but it was hell, I felt as if I could barely function.
It felt as if it was new, fresh, pain like in the early days.
I have known about the movie "date" for months. Never "felt" it before, just pushed it aside.
For some reason it all became so real, my husband had a girlfriend, he went out on dates, she is a real person, a stranger to me but not to him, to him she is real. He left me for her, he moved on, he had experiences with her, like he had with me, he had feelings for her about her, shared things with her. The parallels between what he did with her and what he did with me are just so excruciatingly painful, as if he were trying to recreate us with someone new, replace me in our story, our life.
How can this be so suddenly shocking, again.
I keep telling myself, this will pass, this is just a low point, this is just something I have to feel to get thfough. Does this ever end? Does this pain ever stop? Is it because I couldn't face this before? Is it just a trigger reaction? How do I keep going on everyday, go to work, function, smile when I feel so broken inside. I have had some decent days lately, maybe that is wwhy this is hurting so terribly, the contrast. It's as if having good days makes the painful ones harder, almost like you build up a tolerance and when you have relief the pain comes back stronger.
I just needed to get all this out. First thoughts upon waking.
Wish I could just stay in bed all day. It has been a week full of triggers, this was round three this week, rough ones.
I think I made it worse by not facing it immediately, getting it out when it was in my face, pretending to myself that I didn't feel the pain.
I would now like to be known as Can!
dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
attempted R, it was all a lie
I was here in this house, alone, screaming into a void, screaming until I lost my voice, crying to no one, feeling abandoned, replaced, disposed of, crazy. Not sleeping, not eating, vomiting. I was suffering the worst pain I had ever experienced and he was out on a "date"
I am so sorry for your pain. And I so understand what you are feeling. I too have been shocked and hurt by the same thing this week and it has sent me reeling myself.
I am now back to full fledge anxiousness, not sleeping well, and a nervous stomach.
For me, though, it wasn't a trigger that did it, it was MC. My IC said that this is normal. Gosh, normal?!
Here is what hit me....
My MC asked my WH and me to come up with a color for eachother and a word to describe echoer. We discussed it at our first MC session.
The next session the MC told us of some of his observations. One was that when I said my husband's color and word, my husband was defensive. He asked my WH if the draw to OW was that she did not see my WH as this color or this word I used.
Right at that moment, I realized (as the MC pointed out) my WH had A COLOR with the OW too. And a word! He had a relationship. And that color or word choice (because it is different than mine) can be the 'draw'. I mean I 'knew' this, I guess. But I didn't really 'know' this if you know what I mean.
I have been a hot mess all week. I don't have an answer, but I wanted you to know that you were heard!
[This message edited by brokensmile322 at 6:32 AM, September 12th (Thursday)]
When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. ~Viktor Frankl
I was here in this house, alone, screaming into a void, screaming until I lost my voice, crying to no one, feeling abandoned, replaced, disposed of, crazy. Not sleeping, not eating, vomiting. I was suffering the worst pain I had ever experienced and he was out on a "date" with his new girlfriend. He says he didn't even think about me.
He had to drive by my old neighborhood on the way to her house, where he used to drive to see me. She has three young sons, just like me, blond hair like me, in her 40's like when we met. Took her on the same dates as me, same restaurants.
But all the time I suffered and he was starting a new life and had thrown me away. Left me to try to get through this alone. Said awful things to me, I haven't loved you for years, you are an empty vessel, you are a sad person, you don't love me, I don't believe you, you are a liar.
This is what I am carrying inside me now.
Have had a terrible week so far and last night was just hideous... trigger after trigger, panic attacks, sobbing, sadness so deep it puts a pain in my chest... basically,the whole shebang...
I really, really thought I would be doing so much better by this point, over a year post-DDay!