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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: denying reality
olwen
♀ Member
Member # 39759
Default  Posted: 3:27 AM, September 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am sick of this. The past few days I have been posting really positive posts. I thought I was really getting somewhere.

Then reality hits and I am back to square one. It's killing me and pissing H off. Now when I ask questions I get told 'we have been thru this, we have already discussed this, I thought things were getting better between us'? Then out comes the old faithful ' why are we even bothering, you can't live with what I have done so why keep trying?'

That just makes me feel like fine I will stop trying then, it will ne easier that way anyway if I just shut down.

Tues nite we had sex. I had my usual mind movies but it was good. Then yesterday we spent the day sharing jokey emails while he was at work.

By the time he had got home my mood had plummeted. I got hit by the fact he wanted to kiss her so much he did it twice.

He was explaining what happened in the car. How he didn't think masturbating her was too bad it wasn't til they actually had sex that he realised he was doing anything wrong.

He has kept saying the kisses were physical fishing, wanting to know how she felt. But last night the story changed again. He said the kisses were cos he felt 'drawn in' for a 'bit of fun' he really thought it was ok for him to have this secret relationship as it was at work i.e. not the real world so the normal rules didn't apply.

He has told me he didn't want or or find her attractive so how the hell was he 'drawn into kissing her'? That sounds like sexual tension to me.

They had a 6 week ea and pa. I keep telling him she was his girlfriend, he hates that but what else would you call it?

I really don't think I can cope with him wanting to kiss her, thinking it was ok, says his head was up his arse and he was down and she made him feel better. Really pushes my button. I have bipolar and have spent most of my life more down than he could ever imagine. Yet I have never gone elsewhere. I have no confidence but I have never gone elsewhere to make myself feel good.

I don't think I cam live with a man who suspends all rules and morals when an interested woman pops into his life. I don't think I can live with his lips on hers, his fingers touching her that way or the fact he let it lead to sex. He may have stopped it quickly but it does not change the fact he wanted to do it for 'a bit of fun at work'

I really don't know if I can live with all that so why am I trying. Yes he is repentant but he has always said he can't remember what he felt, why he did it and he clung to my stupid suggestions as they made things seem not so bad but I really am kidding myself.

She didn't make him do it, she didn't make him want to kiss her. He didn't just want to get an ego boost by finding out if she wanted him then found himself 'having' to do what she wanted in car.

It's all rubbish, of course he wanted her.

And I don't think I can live with that.

He seems really remorseful apart from pushing me to get over it, I have never seen him so broken. But I just keep thinking it's too little too late. It doesn't delete the past that I don't think I can live with.

[This message edited by olwen at 3:34 AM, September 12th (Thursday)]


Together 19yrs
me BS 36
him WS 41 (silent lucidity)
ea 1 facebook flirting with an ex 2011
ea/pa - co worker 6wks feb to apr2013 pa for 1 wk with sex one time
too much tt to count = latest tt 30/7/14

Posts: 768 | Registered: Jul 2013
AFrayedKnot
♂ Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 7:16 AM, September 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Olwen)))

Everything you are feeling is normal. They call it a rollercoaster for a reason. Good days and bad days over and over again. You are only a few months out. Most people agree on 2-5 years. It does get better along the way but bad times will happen. Both you and your WH have to understand this.

Getting angry and frustrated is unacceptable. What work is he doing to truly understand what you are going through? what books is he reading? Is he reading here? What work is he doing on himself? Is he in IC? How is he making himself safe for you? How is he making you feel safe?


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2597 | Registered: Aug 2012
bionicgal
♀ Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 7:19 AM, September 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh olwen, I totally get it. Our Dday was just 3 months ago, and I struggle with a lot of these same feelings.

One thing that helps is making sure that I know whether he is talking about his feelings then vs now. Also, that he is owning the behavior and seeking to understand how he let himself do it. Finally, I think letting them see how much it does hurt really helps.

I think it helps to remember that good people do really bad things sometimes. At some point I think we get out of the gory details and just accept that this terrible thing happened. I am not there yet, but I have faith that it will happen. I also try to tell myself that I wasn't the one there, and I don't have to be a part of it.

Sending good thoughts your way.


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is more like a mental break than a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 1998 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
olwen
♀ Member
Member # 39759
Default  Posted: 8:03 AM, September 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I really am not sure he Is truly remorseful. He is putting on a good show but that's what I think it is some
days a show.

He tells me he thinks of killing himself everyday. Then takes his massive dinner into the other room and settles down for a night on the sofa when I am in kitchen crying. Then he sleeps peacefully all night without a bad dream in sight.

We had a big row one day and he hid in the shed with a Stanley knife waiting for me to find him. I think cos I have a mental illness and have seriously tried suicide twice in 8 years he thinks its a good way to show his sorrow. I just see a man trying to make twisted grand gestures to show how awful he feels. I really feel he does regret it but he won't examine it properly.

all I got at first was how wonderful she was and how terrible I was. Then all of a sudden it switched to he never wanted her never fancied her etc. Every revelation was cold and hard and he tried to push me away rather than confess. He said some terrible things to me. HE only confessed to kissing cos I got oral thrush. They actually got together and agreed if I asked they would only admit to having kissed.

I tried hard to help him get to the bottom of things cos he kept saying he couldn't remember his thoughts or feelings. He claims to have blocked it out - yeah right. I know If I had been with another man I would know damn well why and how I felt through the whole thing. Whenever I said something that sounded more acceptable i.e he kissed her to find out if she was interested in him rather than he kissed her cos he wanted her, well he jumps at the preferred version of events and sticks to it like glue.

All I get when I ask for it in his words is he wanted 'a bit of fun' and 'didn't see the harm in it' even kissing her didn't wake him up until the second one apparently. That night he came home and asked me for a break - he insists it was to get his head clear and figure out how to stop it with her - yet when I said yes go stay with your mum h suddenly didn't want a break anymore, he decided more freedom and less chores would probably help. I actually told him to go out the next night to watch the pub band who played at our wedding. HE left me crying in the kitchen and went into the front room to text her all night then from first thing on the Saturday til she picked him up non stop texting. Then they had sex. He insists he didn't want to do it but he was not turned on or off, he switched his mind off so he could go through with it and keep her happy so she wouldn't tell me about the kissing and texting. That's why he says he can't remember his feelings but he does remember thinking masturbating her was not as big a deal as screwing her. HE stopped the actual sex quite quick. No condom tho and he slept with me again unprotected after so we had to get tested.

HE is doing stuff like buying me presents, extra housework, coming to bed earlier to be with me - he used to stay up hours after me and used that time to text her all night. After he admitted to ea but not pa I gave him 'how to help your spouse heal after your affair' on audiobook as I knew he would never read it. HE made a big show of taking notes etc but STILL never confessed to PA, how can you listen to that book and still hold secrets back!!! I have since put it on an mp3 and asked him to re read it. It's stuck on the dashboard of his car untouched.

He read bits on here and seems to be going through the motions of what he is meant to be doing constantly telling me how sorry he is and how he loves me so much etc but he still won't look into what he actually wanted during the A he can't admit it to himself and jumps on my suggested explanations rather than come up with his own.

I got him to come on here and he posted two posts and never came back again, said he has forgotten his password - he is silent lucidity if you can actually find the posts! He started a journal, wrote in it twice, a few lines obviously written for me to see and then no more.

He is being transparent, I have emails phone records etc and he has offered to sell his bike to pay for counselling (he knew I would never allow him to do that) he has applied for jobs all over but still works on the next desk to her. He has asked the boss to move her twice in6 months and one of those after I blew my top.

He actually asked her one day why she picked him up that night, her answer - she was bored. Then he asked did she not even care the damage she had caused and she said well I might have cared if you had been nicer to me since it happened, He actually told her it was not just her he was being grumpy with!!!!

I just feel I am being manipulated. rather than be a man and lay his cards and the truth on the table about his feelings for her he keeps minimising. I mean he said it was a bit of fun and he was drawn into the kiss, that doesn't happen unless there is attraction there. He is doing it cos he knows a can't handle it all, I am too ill. But the not having the decency to be straight with me is worse I think, he is scared to lose me now he realises how much he loves me.

Why do I feel managed? Why do I feel I can't believe a word he says. It took him 3 months of tt to finally confess and he only did that after telling me he didn't love me and walking out.

Since then he has told me the facts but can't be sure of his feelings and thoughts. He can't remember. I will say something and he will say maybe, perhaps, to a degree, it doesn't sound right, yeah that fits etc but nothing from his mouth other than she made him feel good, he didn't fancy her didn't want her didn't want sex etc. Yet he kissed her twice and didn't say no in the car. HE says it wasn't planned yet he told her he was out and where he was.

I just don't see how all this adds up. Then I get upset and he gets pissed off.

The worst bit is he says he did it cos he was 'low' ffs I have struggled with depression since ten years of age yet I have never cheated. While he was doing all this I was managing a new diagnosis of bipolar, our son and our home. All the while trying to hold myself together. So he goes off to have a 'bit of fun' and the attention he wasn't getting from me!

I really do think I have had enough. I can't cope with the thought he actually did this to me. I still love him but I am so hurt I can't see myself ever moving past this. I have written her two letter asking for an explanation but never sent them. When I text her she lied and said they had only kissed once so I guess they are both lying to me and I will never get the truth.

Oh and apparently she never responded to either kiss, never touched him once, never kissed or touched other than sexually in car, she was dry and it was awkward. Doesn't sound right to me.

[This message edited by olwen at 8:08 AM, September 12th (Thursday)]


Together 19yrs
me BS 36
him WS 41 (silent lucidity)
ea 1 facebook flirting with an ex 2011
ea/pa - co worker 6wks feb to apr2013 pa for 1 wk with sex one time
too much tt to count = latest tt 30/7/14

Posts: 768 | Registered: Jul 2013
Topic Posts: 4

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