Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: Havetemperance (44617)

Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Gutted
Blameitontherain
♀ Member
Member # 37476
Helpless  Posted: 12:52 AM, September 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WH and I were fighting tonight. Since Nov 2012, he has always said nothing bad was going on in our relationship, everything was great, he was happy, etc when I ask him to look back at the time he had his affair. Every single time he said this when i have asked, Tonight he says I wouldn't have cheated if our relationship wasn't bad. People cheat because they are in bad relationships.

I am gutted. Rationally I know it is blame shifting and rewriting of martial history. Irrationally I feel like I am almost back to dday. I want to curl up and cry. I am crying and I have before but this time is different. I feel myself being dragged back down the hole that I started to climb out of. I have cried so hard that I have broken blood vessels around my eyes. I hope they clear up do I can take my child to playgroup in the morning.

Our fight- he is out of town, my mind goes a little cray cray when he does, I asked him questions about what he did, locations, etc. When I kept asking questions, he blew up. Nothing he does is good enough, he tell me the answers and still I want more. Yes I do. I want answers and sympathy and understanding verbalized to me. I don't want to feel irrational for asking questions, I want to know that you are okay with me asking questions until my mind can calm and think clearly again. But answers only should be good enough. Obviously it isn't good enough to me.... I want too much. To quote him "I will never be what those people on SI are like. That just isn't me."

[This message edited by Blameitontherain at 12:55 AM, September 12th (Thursday)]


Posts: 273 | Registered: Nov 2012
sammie
♀ Member
Member # 7785
Default  Posted: 1:00 AM, September 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hmmmmm. He is out of town, deflecting and causing fights. Not good and definitely not R behavior. I know it hurts hon, I know you feel like shit right now but its time to put your big girl pants on and be proactive. It will make you feel better and more in control.

I would be doing some underground verification of where he is and what he is doing. Big hugs.


If someone loves you, it should feel like they love you.
Never give more of yourself than you are getting back.

"The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong at the broken places." ~Ernest Hemingway


Posts: 5818 | Registered: Aug 2005 | From: Australia
Blameitontherain
♀ Member
Member # 37476
Default  Posted: 1:09 AM, September 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you Sammie. He is out of town with his father, GPS on phone, pics, Skype, etc. I truly do not believe anything new is going on. He can not handle me questioning him, like I should just instantly trust what he is saying and drop it. Been there, done that. Got the membership to SI as a result. He tells me I am causing the fights by not just accepting his answers, I keep asking for info (not A questions, but what he is doing, where is he, etc) I need to see the empathy, patience, respect, owning that I am this way because of his actions. I don't think I will ever see it.

That coupled with now telling me our relationship was bad. I can't handle it.

[This message edited by Blameitontherain at 1:21 AM, September 12th (Thursday)]


Posts: 273 | Registered: Nov 2012
Smokehouse
♂ Member
Member # 40203
Default  Posted: 1:18 AM, September 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I understand exactly what you are saying. My WW does the exact same thing. After several questions, I am treating her like a convict. No, I treating you like somebody that lost my trust!

I have told her so many times how to react, what I need to hear. I think we are all on the same page. Instead of going on the defensive, tell me what you did, tell me I'm okay with your questions baby, I want you to trust me again. I love you, and will never hurt you again. That would go such a long way.


Posts: 147 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Ohio
Blameitontherain
♀ Member
Member # 37476
Default  Posted: 7:14 AM, September 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((Smokehouse)) I do the same. I am a broken record. He won't go that extra step that I seem to need. I get anxious and crazy when he is out of town. I need to see him go beyond the minimum of answering questions.

I believe my emotions got stirred and heightened due to on going issue related to in laws. He wanted to table it until mc. I tried but it was on the backburner simmering away until it caught on fire again.


Posts: 273 | Registered: Nov 2012
2married2quit
♂ Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 8:23 AM, September 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To me, it's one of the two things.... You ruined the fun or he's a rug sweeper that can't handle the magnitude of what he just did. I know my FWW went through both fazes. In the beginning I was the party pooper and it was my fault. Later it was her shame and guilt that didn't allow her to revisit what she did.


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1304 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
DWBH
♂ Member
Member # 35512
Default  Posted: 1:11 PM, September 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I want too much. To quote him "I will never be what those people on SI are like. That just isn't me."

I can totally relate to this. My W has said this often... even using specific FWW's names in discussions/fights we've had.

The truth is though, is that she has done most of the work, and is mostly remorseful. I can't say 100% consistency, but pretty damn close.

And in a way, she's right. When I first joined, I definitely developed a "template" of what a model wayward was, and expected her to fit that to a T. It took a while, but I did recognize there is no such thing as a 'model' here, and the way she expresses her remorse is different and unique to her. Not bad, just not as "blatant" as I would have liked.

Just remember that R is a process, for both of you. Sure, there are minimum requirements we BS have to put a stake in the ground on, and those are non-negotiable (NC, transparency, etc.). But some things are a little more gray, IMO, like how a WS demonstrates remorse.


Me: BH, 43
Her: FWW, 41 (ThornyRose)
M: 16 years, together 19
2 Daughters: 14 and 12
D Day: 9/25/2011; Lies & TT to 5/4/2012
~Double betrayal; caught them in the act~

Posts: 729 | Registered: May 2012 | From: WI
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 1:22 PM, September 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Blameit, hugs to you. Do YOU know that this wasn't your fault? Do you believe this? I hope you do my dear bc that is the truth.

Yes, when marriages are weak, terrible things can happen and so many of us are vulnerable - hell! I considered messing around in 2011 - but I didn't.

BUT...he chose to have an A. He did. Not bc of anything you did. If you brought some things to the M that require work, then you work them out in IC or read or talk to us. But he has to do the work too. Is he in IC?

As long as YOU believe that his choice to cheat is his to own then I truly believe you will be okay in the long run.

I hope you made it to playgroup. (so hard when you have little ones at home to tend too).

LA


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2220 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
Listeningclosely
♂ Member
Member # 16472
Default  Posted: 1:51 PM, September 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

While a WS can and often does have different stages of their recovery process, a few things in your post just don't sit right with me.

Tonight he says I wouldn't have cheated if our relationship wasn't bad.

First clue that your WS isn't ready to R. Readiness comes when the WS finds what it was within themselves that allowed them to choose an A over other options (talking about problems, counseling or D). Relationship go through good and bad moments. But the choices we make in how we respond to those moments are what define us, not the moments themselves.

he is out of town, my mind goes a little cray cray when he does, I asked him questions about what he did, locations, etc.

Two paths to choose from as a WS when this happens. Discuss the answers openly, calmly, and as many times as you need to until your BS is satisfied with the answers. Or get defensive. The latter generally happens with either the WS fog is still in place, or especially when something is still happening that the WS would fear would be exposed to the BS.

he blew up. Nothing he does is good enough, he tell me the answers and still I want more.

At the time of my A, I was traveling about 75% for work. Even in a fog, I still offered things to my BW to try to make her feel safer in some way. I offered to text on a regular basis. I answered questions as to my whereabouts and what I was doing. I even offered to have the webcam on my laptop set up and aimed at the hotel bed so she could see I was sleeping at night and not doing something wrong. She didn't take up the last one, and said she'd feel it was a little creepy to watch me sleep. The point is, she knew it was an option if it would make her feel better.

"I will never be what those people on SI are like. That just isn't me."

So here's the one question I would ask. If "those SI people" aren't him, than what IS him? He needs to share that self awareness with you so you can decide if that is the life you can live with or not.

I still make plenty of mistakes as a person. I still piss off my BW from time to time. But the one thing I will never do is deny her the right to ask me questions, and to not be satisfied until the answer I can provide makes sense.


BW(her)- 45, FWH (me) 48
4 month Online EA
M 24 years, together for 28
4 Daughters - 21, 18, 14 and 12
d-day 6/2/07, in R
FORGIVENESS 1/1/2008!!!
"Action expresses priorities." -
Mohandas Gandhi

Posts: 4471 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: One Particular Harbour
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 2:55 PM, September 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Listeningclosely has offered some excellent feedback from the WS perspective. I read your story blameit and it is wrought of him lying, blaming, going back on his word since D-Day. You need to feel safe and from what you have written, how can you? I don't want to alarm you or make you feel any worse with this but I also don't want to see you get shut down by him when he clearly hasn't been walking the walk.


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2220 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
Topic Posts: 10

Return to Forum: Reconciliation Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.