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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Update - triggering, I said I L Y...
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 2:37 PM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A season now. My 4th - the actual A in 2010, and now the 3rd antiversary.

I think I may be triggered almost 100% of the time, except for the time I spend on my (pedal-driven) bike. It's low-level triggering, and I can feel pain releasing as I go through it, but it's gotten old and annoying. Oh, well - 2-5 years.

Pre-A, I used to tell my W ILY a lot; words of affirmation was a big love language for me. Actions meant more to her than words, though; W rarely could say ILY to me convincingly.

Post-A, she's convincing when she says it, but she still doesn't say it much - maybe once a month? (Touch trumps words for me, and she's been great with that post-A, so the lack of words hasn't been an issue. )

Post-A I just don't say it. It's as if I think my saying ILY was a problem, and I guess it was. I should have demanded more than I did pre-A.

In any case, W was going out to audition for a very good, large amateur chorus last night. (They do things like Verdi's Requiem.) She hasn't sung for several years, so she was nervous. As she was leaving, 'No matter how you do, I'll still love you' just popped out of my mouth.

I'm really puzzled about saying it. I hope it's a Good Thing I said it. I think it's a Good Thing. But, boy, I feel weird about it!

I used to bike pretty seriously - 100-150 miles every week in Summer and Fall, with a ramp-up during the Spring. I cruised at 16-18 mph on my own, 18-20 mph with a group. I stopped when I became a road warrior in the early '90s, started back in 2002, and stopped again in 2005.

I started back up on July 5 after watching a couple of Tour de France days. I have to build my strength slowly, because if I push myself too hard, I tend to hurt my back. I started off doing 9-11 mph over 3-5 miles. Now I'm doing 13-15 mph over 15-20 miles.

Anyway, I really love cycling. Almost as much as sex, actually, now that I think of it. Fortunately, doing one doesn't preclude doing the other earlier or later the same day.... Just musing....

Remember - it takes all kinds.

Thanks for reading. I'm obviously in a pretty good place, and you folks helped me get here.


fBH (me) - 65+, fWW (her) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 9725 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
heartache101
♀ Member
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 2:47 PM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

sisoon

I love to cycle also. Bought my first bike this year. Ok first road bike! haha..

Congrats on feeling good about saying ILY.
I hope in time to come you will be able to say it and not wonder if it was ok to say that! You should always be ok to be just YOU!
Your partner should bring out the best part of you... That will come in time...


There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3180 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 5:27 PM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your partner should bring out the best part of you

Wow! Exactly - that's something I've been trying to put into words for some time.

I wanted to be with her way back when, and I wanted to R, because I'm a better 'me' with her than without her.

Thanks for sharing that thought.
****************************

First road bike...sounds very kewl and fast. It's about time for Breaking Away 2013 - I hope you get a part.


fBH (me) - 65+, fWW (her) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 9725 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 6:02 PM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

which begs the question...what is the best part of me and is he bringing it out? hmmmm I like that heartache 101! But wow...how do I narrow it down? lol

Sisoon, well done with the riding. No pun intended.


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2104 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
VD2012
♂ Member
Member # 36317
Default  Posted: 7:10 PM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Great to hear you're in a good place.

I also agree about spouses bringing out the best. It's one of the things that has always drawn myself to my wife, I just feel like a better me around her for whatever sense that may or may not make.


Me: 28 ~ Her (FR2012): 27
Together: 9 years, 2 children
D-Day: April 19, 2012

Surrender to the truth of life.


Posts: 466 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Traversing Dark Places With The Light of Truth
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 2:53 AM, September 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(sisoon)

I L Y....yeah, has a different feel to it post-A, doesn't it?

Its a good thing...kinda makes you feel vulnerable though, huh?

I am focusing a bit on vulnerability and how it relates to true intimacy.

Wish I had wisdom for you...I owe you much.

Unfortunately, the strongest part of my post to you is the opening hug.

God be with you.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 2:54 AM, September 12th (Thursday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3411 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
hopefullromantic
♀ Member
Member # 16652
Default  Posted: 12:21 PM, September 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As she was leaving, 'No matter how you do, I'll still love you' just popped out of my mouth.

Hmmm, a moment of unguardedness...sounds like progress!


It's not really a fairy tale 'till the witch is deposed and a few dragons are slain

Posts: 1736 | Registered: Oct 2007
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 3:03 PM, September 13th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Hopeful romantic)))) wonderful observation. Maybe that "weirdness" a BS feels, like Sisson speaks of, is that we were comfortable being vulnerable with our WS pre-a, still desire to feel that way again....but then we are reminded that we got hurt by this before.

Therefore, to do it again....even if we feel wierd occasionally about...IS a sign of progress towards a loving, supportive, unguarded relationship and....just as important.....AWAY from becoming that jaded, guarded, angry person we all know and don't want to become.

This takes courage.....Sisson, you have plenty of courage...I know this because you have shared some with me over this past year.

God be with us all.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3411 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
Itstoohard
♀ Member
Member # 37629
Default  Posted: 8:00 PM, September 13th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((Sisoon))
So glad to hear you are in a good place. Your words have had a big effect on me and gave helped me get thru so many days .
I have yet to say I L Y.
I can understand how you could feel "weird" but it obviously came from your heart so it cannot be anything but good.
You didn't say how your wife felt about it.


BS 64
fWH 64
PA 22 yrs ago
Started as EA for 2 yrs then ONS CORRECTION Started as an EA for 8 years
Trustismyissue

Posts: 163 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: US
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 7:55 AM, September 14th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, all.

I mentioned this to my W. I don't remember her word, but she said she felt good hearing it.

She was really happy with her audition, though she probably won't sing this year because of a scheduling conflict. The chorus director liked her voice, made some suggestions, and was very encouraging. Next year, if there are scheduling conflicts, the chorus will be probably win.

Besides, they're apparently doing Mahler's 2nd symphony this year, and she doesn't like Mahler. Her musical taste has long been an issue between us....


fBH (me) - 65+, fWW (her) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 9725 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Topic Posts: 10

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