That got me thinking, when people on SI post that they are "reconciled," how do you define that? Does being reconciled mean that the BS no longer thinks of the affair? Or that the WS is totally forgiven? Or that the couple is back to being like any happily married couple, happy but always continuing to work on their relationship?
Although being reconciled may be a long ways away for me, I'd love to have a sense of what that really means and what I'm aiming for. Thoughts?
[This message edited by 5674emt at 3:51 PM, September 11th (Wednesday)]
which means for me:
#1 - NC and boundaries to return primary focus to the relationship
#2 - Honesty to both be on the same page with the past. To be on a level playing field.
#3 - Acceptance from the BS that it happened and to move forward
Acceptance from the WS that they are capable of it and search for how to not let it happen again
#4 - Transparency to not hold any secrets in the future
"Knowing is half the battle"
Expecting progress not perfection
I think you're R'ed when the issues you deal with are normal, annoying, day to day issues. The A is not forgotten, but it's more like a memory of a trauma rather than a trauma happening in the present moment. For me, it's 'she cheated, but she's a good partner now, she's been a good partner for years, and she'll be a good partner basically forever.'
It takes a lot of sustained work/action by both of us to rebuild that level of trust, and I wouldn't say we're there yet ... but it's coming.
My W's A started 3 years and a month ago. This past month I've been aware of that, and everything triggers me, but my sense is 'Right, right, she was cheating 3 years ago today, but she stopped cheating over 2.5 years ago, so this is not a big deal.'
[This message edited by sisoon at 5:14 PM, September 11th (Wednesday)]
I've never ascribed a personal ideal to the concept. I don't give much thought to things like "we're in R", "reconciling as best we can" or what have you. I view it in a very simple manner. We're married, neither of us want a divorce. She's no longer terrible, I'm no longer a basketcase. We're going forward in life together working on the respective issues that are our own responsibilities and those that are shared. The affair is still present, she is still sorting out her lifelong issues, I'm steal healing (albeit slowly now), and it's still a part of our lives. Not THE part of our lives, not even a major part, but still a part all the same.
Is that reconciled? I don't know nor care. I know we love each other and are working toward the same goal on the same page.
Surrender to the truth of life.