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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: I Think He is done (WS)
broken0912
♀ Member
Member # 39780
Concerned  Posted: 11:01 AM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, I finally was able to leave on a vacation away from him, after a year into this and it has been the most miserable vacation of my life.

I got a bit crazy the first 2 days because he was trying to fill up his time with his friends and not spending anytime working on his timeline or any other writing. I made sideways sarcastic remarks that led us to a fight - which everytime i bring up something he is doing that i'm not happy with, he gets mad then said he just doesn't want to fight anymore - he is tired of fighting. Well, because I never spoke up & I guess he didn't either years ago, we never faught and he ended up slipping into LTA while I watched him crossing boundaries as well as OW & said nothing about it because I didn't want to fight.

In the beginning he said & agreed to the fact that he can't & won't have any women friends that he called or talked to on the phone & wouldn't be alone with another woman in our house when I wasn't around. Now he thinks this is unreasonable & has been talking to my friend the only one I have to talk to about the A. He says she is his friend, too & he is not going to sleep with her. This is same behavior that happend with OW. Sucked my friend away and then 6or8 yrs later i find out they had a LTA.

yesterday when I talked to him on the phone after an up & down 5 days, I could here the "done" in his voice. He had told me in counselling that with me not getting over this fast enough, he was going to become numb to me & it would be over.

I am heartbroken allover again and feel like my marriage is over, and I can't do anything about it without going back to my old self of not putting ANY demands on him. I am mad, but mostly I am so sad I just can't quit crying. I am at my sister's house & she knows nothing of this & i'm not going to tell her.


BS 49
WS 61
OW 31 now - 23-24 when it began
dday-9/4/12
M 13+ together 16
HIS DC: D-33,S-25,S-22
MINE: 0 -he was too old to have C at 44, but had OC at 57
LTA: EA 1-2yr then 1.5 after pa end
LTA: PA 3.5-4 yrs

Posts: 97 | Registered: Jul 2013
broken0912
♀ Member
Member # 39780
Default  Posted: 11:09 AM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

also, he has told me he might not be home or be able to pick me up from the airport that is more than an hour from our house, because he may have to rush his daughter to a doctor 5 hrs away for a sudden back surgery (even though we live much closer to some excellent and very qualified surgeons). His daughter hates me & has hurt me repeatedly since I met her over 16 yrs ago. She is also a cheater, wants a relationship with OC that husband agreed to have nc with. The child believes the OWs XBH is his father and OW has lost all her parental rights. I have told him I am not comfortable with him visiting her or having long conversations with her when I am not around. In the beginning he agreed, because he was willing to do anything including love me forever and prove for the rest of his life this.

Now he told me he is not going to pay for this for the rest of his life. It has been one year after a lie that went on for 6-8 years and I'm not recovering fast enough for him.


BS 49
WS 61
OW 31 now - 23-24 when it began
dday-9/4/12
M 13+ together 16
HIS DC: D-33,S-25,S-22
MINE: 0 -he was too old to have C at 44, but had OC at 57
LTA: EA 1-2yr then 1.5 after pa end
LTA: PA 3.5-4 yrs

Posts: 97 | Registered: Jul 2013
kiki1
♀ Member
Member # 37184
Default  Posted: 1:38 PM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((broken)))

I'm so sorry your in such pain.

There is no way you are going to recover from this in a year!! The dunce.

What is he doing for you? Is he assisting you in recovering?

I give you credit for vacationing a year out. I'm more than three and have not been away from him yet. It disturbs me to feel that way.

I'm no pro, but he doesnt sound remorseful, just regretful he was caught.

He shouldnt have to pay for the rest of his life, but you know what? You'll be hurt by it for the rest of your life. That's an unfair statement for him to make.

is it possible that being on vacation was not a good idea for you? I'm not sure of your situation, but there is a possibility you two might be able to get back on track once your home.

stay calm and cool heartbroken,,,,,,,


Posts: 507 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: new york
Simple
♀ Member
Member # 18814
Default  Posted: 1:55 PM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry. 1 year is NOTHING. If he doesn't want to wait for you then he is truly not remorseful.

If he says he is "done" and you have every reason to believe he is serious and he's slipping into crossing boundaries again, then do the 180 and protect yourself.

Hugs your way.

---
Just want to add, you can tell him it will take you to heal about as long as it took him to have an affair... That's what I told my FWH. He got that time, I get that much time too.

[This message edited by Simple at 1:56 PM, September 11th (Wednesday)]


Love is a choice.

True love is harder to come by than soul mates. True love requires work.

Ignorance can be cured with knowledge. There is no cure for being an idiot.


Posts: 927 | Registered: Mar 2008
broken0912
♀ Member
Member # 39780
Default  Posted: 2:07 PM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Simple, I just got off the phone with him and told him that there was no way I was going to be recovered in a year, and why does he think that is so long when 8 years of a lie in our marriage didn't seem that long to him. Once again, he said my timeline seemed wrong and exaggerated, so I had to explain to him one more time that she began offering and seducing in October of 2004, even though he didn't touch her until nearly 2 years later, and even during the "pre-affair" time, he never once mentioned what she was doing or what she had offered and continued to let her come into our house pretending to be my best friend, all the while totally disrespecting me & our marriage.


BS 49
WS 61
OW 31 now - 23-24 when it began
dday-9/4/12
M 13+ together 16
HIS DC: D-33,S-25,S-22
MINE: 0 -he was too old to have C at 44, but had OC at 57
LTA: EA 1-2yr then 1.5 after pa end
LTA: PA 3.5-4 yrs

Posts: 97 | Registered: Jul 2013
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 3:53 PM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry you're hurting. But it sounds like you're right - he's not interested in an M that's mutual. All he wants is his way.

Have you read about the 180? If not, you really need to do so - check the BS FAQS in the Healing Library (link's in the yellow box, upper left of SI pages)> There's a lot of other stuff in the HL that could be very useful o you, so don't stop with the FAQs....

Lawyer up fast. If you're in the same state as home now, you could use part of your vacation for consulting lawyer to identify options.

And always remember: you can get through this and thrive.


fBH (me) - 65+, fWW (her) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 9725 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
ladies_first
♀ Member
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 4:15 PM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry you're hurting again, broken0912.

told him that there was no way I was going to be recovered in a year, and why does he think that is so long when 8 years of a lie in our marriage didn't seem that long to him. Once again, he said my timeline seemed wrong and exaggerated, so I had to explain to him one more time that she began offering and seducing in October of 2004, even though he didn't touch her until nearly 2 years later, and even during the "pre-affair" time, he never once mentioned what she was doing or what she had offered and continued to let her come into our house pretending to be my best friend,

he was trying to fill up his time with his friends and not spending anytime working on his timeline or any other writing.

If he doesn't agree with you about length/duration of affair, I doubt he'll be successful writing a timeline you'd agree was truthful.

He's failed before he even started.

he told me he is not going to pay for this for the rest of his life.

He's done paying before you've witnessed/felt justice.


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
Simple
♀ Member
Member # 18814
Default  Posted: 5:11 PM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

he told me he is not going to pay for this for the rest of his life.

I can only respond to this from a view my FWH told me. He said he will continue to prove himself to me for the rest of his life. However, if he did not see improvement from me year after year then what would be the point.

It looks to me like he doesn't want to R. Like Ladies_First said, you're not going to get the timeline you need.

Please do the 180. I bumped it in JFO forums earlier from one person's perspective on 180. Remember it's for YOU, not for manipulation of our wayward.

We're here for you. Hugs your way.


Love is a choice.

True love is harder to come by than soul mates. True love requires work.

Ignorance can be cured with knowledge. There is no cure for being an idiot.


Posts: 927 | Registered: Mar 2008
broken0912
♀ Member
Member # 39780
Default  Posted: 8:21 PM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Me going on this vacation was the beginning of my 180 plan. Unfortunately, (and I think partially due to pms) I lost it when I called and got angry & told him when he wasn't writing. Then again when he told me he might have to take his daughter to Dallas for last minute back surgery & not be able to pick me up at the airport.

Just this morning I have been able to regain composure. My eyes are still swollen from crying myself to sleep last night. I have told him that I can't control what he does or doesn't do and that I will now be focusing on taking care of myself instead of on him, because I have to be o.k. no matter what happens with us. He didn't like that statement, but I didn't back off of it.

And he finally told me late this afternoon that he WILL be at the airport, but also told his daughter something (i don't know what) to cause her to tell him she didn't want him taking her to dr. to cause us problems. So he tells her stuff that he has no business telling her, twists my words and wonders why she and I can't work out our relationship. There was no reason to tell her anything we had discussed because he was going to take her no matter what. Her husband chose to leave her unable to walk and go 11 hours away to his grandmother's funeral. Of course they are early into R from a 2nd DDAY that consisted of multiple OM, and they both blame my WS for her As.

Anyway, I am on the 180 immediately upon pickup at the airport. And I will go and read more about it.


BS 49
WS 61
OW 31 now - 23-24 when it began
dday-9/4/12
M 13+ together 16
HIS DC: D-33,S-25,S-22
MINE: 0 -he was too old to have C at 44, but had OC at 57
LTA: EA 1-2yr then 1.5 after pa end
LTA: PA 3.5-4 yrs

Posts: 97 | Registered: Jul 2013
Topic Posts: 9

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