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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Said I needed space, and now I don't know (WS opinions welcome)
Lonelygirl10
♀ Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 5:42 PM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You rush to defend him when we criticize him. Is it mostly because he's reading and you want to keep this relationship alive? Don't answer. If you need a place to express how you really feel, PM me and ill give you my email address or phone number. We are close in age and I see a lot of myself in you. Read my posts and I think you will agree.

I read some of your posts, and I do agree that you remind me of myself. I'll send you a PM later tonight.

I think the fact that you set limits and then back off indicates some serious co-dependency - that's an observation, not a criticism.

Again, when you set limits, he commits to changing the thoughts and feelings that allowed him to cheat. When you back off, he goes back to doing his own thing.

Can you explain what you mean? It seems like we get to the point where I set limits, and he'll make promises. He does great at fulfilling those promises for a few weeks, and I start feeling hopeful and letting my guard down. I'll start caring more about him again, and start being more myself. And then he'll start doing little things, little signs of him getting distant. He'll tell me that he's just sick or busy at work, and I'll try to believe him. And then it starts building up again, until it explodes. How should I respond when I set limits? How long do I have to be strict on him before I can let my guard down? I guess I don't see it as me backing down, but maybe I'm too close to it to see it for what it is.

I called my IC today and she fit me in this afternoon to discuss all this stuff. She suggested that she thinks both me and WS are responding out of fear. She thinks that he wanted to end the relationship, which is why he voiced it last night. And now she thinks that we are just clinging on to each other out of fear... of being alone, of failing at the relationship, of the unknown.

There's a part of me that wants to take a month alone just to clear my head and find myself again. My IC asked me yesterday, at our normal session, to make a list of the things I like about myself. I burst into tears because I couldn't think of a single thing. For the past 9 months, I have been clingy, needy, pessimistic, unfocused, and just not a fun person. I used to be optimistic, and always saw the positive in people. I used to be a fun person. I used to be focused and motivated at work. I told my IC that I felt like that girl died. I want her back. I want that version of myself back.

I feel selfish saying this, but I don't know how to heal myself and find peace when I'm always worrying about WS's emotions. I try so hard to not say anything that will hurt him or cause him to be distant, and I've lost myself in the process. But I feel bad for saying that, because I know that his feelings should be important to me. He's dealing with his own set of issues and pain.

I probably shouldn't read his post on the wayward forum, especially since I don't like it when he reads mine. But I couldn't help myself today. Reading it made me angry. If I didn't know it was him, I would think that he was remorseful and trying hard. He got a lot of positive responses. I'm glad that he's getting the help he needs. But I'm also confused. The person that posted that seems to care about healing doesn't seem to be the same person that shuts down and gets cold and tells me that I'm pestering him. I just don't get it. He says all the right things, and I want to believe that he means those things. But then he shuts down on me, and I feel like I can't breathe when he gets that way.


30 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1205 | Registered: Jul 2013
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 8:07 AM, September 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Because the person who is posting is not the same person you are with. They look the same..but act differently. One is his mask..the other,his actions,show his true self.

He is hurting? He has issues to deal with? Fine. Have empathy. But not to the point of losing YOU.

He cheated early on in this relationship..correct?

Have you considered that you feel in love with who he wanted you to see...but not who he really is?

If his actions matched his words..it would be different..but they don't.

Also..as you said..if you didn't know him..you would think he was trying to change and was remorseful,based on his posts. So..that tells me he knows what he should be doing..because he is saying the right things...but is choosing NOT to do them..based on his actions.

Do you want to continue to bust your ass,losing yourself in the process,continue to be tired...for a man who knows what he should be doing..but chooses not to? Don't you deserve better? Aren't you worth the effort?

[This message edited by confused615 at 8:08 AM, September 12th (Thursday)]


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling?

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7679 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
Lonelygirl10
♀ Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 9:39 AM, September 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah, I am worth the effort. Everyone on here talks about the fog that WS is in, but I feel like I'm slowly waking up from my own fog. I think him cheating on me in some way made me think that I wasn't good enough, and then it's like I set out to prove to him that I was good enough. I wanted him to see how caring and understanding and sweet I was being to him. I thought if I was understanding and supportive, he would realize how great I was and regret what he did and want to treat me right. But, I think I've also realized that part of our communication problems was my fault. I was acting like a martyr, and holding everything inside hoping that he would see how great I was being to him compared to how I could have been if I really let my emotions out. But all that caused me to do really was to suffer, and I don't think he saw how much I was holding in.

Thank you everyone for your support.

[This message edited by Lonelygirl10 at 9:39 AM, September 12th (Thursday)]


30 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1205 | Registered: Jul 2013
Expect Delays
♀ Member
Member # 23981
Default  Posted: 10:02 AM, September 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I probably shouldn't read his post on the wayward forum, especially since I don't like it when he reads mine. But I couldn't help myself today. Reading it made me angry. If I didn't know it was him, I would think that he was remorseful and trying hard. He got a lot of positive responses. I'm glad that he's getting the help he needs. But I'm also confused. The person that posted that seems to care about healing doesn't seem to be the same person that shuts down and gets cold and tells me that I'm pestering him.

For some people, words are easy - they trip off the tongue and dance off the fingertips. For some people, words are quite simply just words, unconnected to any type of action. For some people, promises are easy to make because promises are merely words, not in any way connected to any actual, expected-in-the-future behavior.

I can't really say if your boyfriend is one of those people. But if you are passively overwhelmed by his words but actively having to search for any signs of a follow-up action, then I think it is quite possible he is.

I wish you peace, Lonelygirl.


A great name for a new country song: If I'd Shot You Sooner, I'd Be Out of Jail By Now.

Posts: 710 | Registered: May 2009
Lonelygirl10
♀ Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 10:03 AM, September 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Okay, I just saw the wayward forum again, and I'm feeling slightly crazy. He sent me a very nice email this morning. I read it, and respected him for the things that it said. I hadn't responded yet, because I wanted to think about it. I just saw that he posted the whole thing in the wayward forum. He doesn't have any responses yet, but I'm anticipating a lot of responses from BS's saying that he's trying and that they wish their WS would say things like that. It feels like manipulation to me. It feels like he posted it, knowing that I would read it, and knowing that I would see the responses.

But then I feel crazy for thinking that. I'm the one that encouraged him to start posting on SI, because I thought it could help him. It was my idea for him to post, and he's posting. And I should be happy about that. And I feel crazy.

I think that maybe SI will only be helpful to him if I don't read it. He told me when he created his account that I could read it. But I'm going to stop reading it, because this isn't helpful for me.

I was really excited about the email this morning, and now I'm not so sure since I don't know if it was just another tactic for him to try to keep me.


30 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1205 | Registered: Jul 2013
Josephine01
♀ Member
Member # 38511
Default  Posted: 10:19 AM, September 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lonelygirl10,

It sounds like you know what you want. Correct me if I am wrong but you want space. Right? I think you should take that month and go NC with WH for that month.

If he means what he says he will abide from with your wishes. If he doesn't he will be that same person because he isn't getting what he wants from you. Take the time for yourself, to figure out things.


Me, 42 BS
H, 61 WH
2 boys 19 and 15 years old
Married 24 years

Posts: 314 | Registered: Feb 2013
outtanowhere
♀ Member
Member # 39001
Default  Posted: 10:42 AM, September 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I read his posts too and quite frankly, was disappointed that he got so much positive feedback but, then we have to remember that he is new to the forum and folks want to be encouraging. Most of them don't know about you being on here and haven't been following the story.

I must say, he is quite good at knowing all the right things to say but, IMHO, he's just playing the game with them too. He has been very vague about the relationship. When he starts giving more specifics I have no doubt that someone will start asking the tough questions. Then we will see how dedicated he is to reform.

Honey, take the time off. What's the worst that could happen if you just have the time alone to re-evaluate your choices. This is a huge committment and not one to be taken lightly so please, take the break. Regroup and refresh your mind. Strenghten your resolve to do what's best for you. You are just too mired down right now to make the decisions you really need to make.


BS - 58
SAWH - 61 multiple encounters with prostitutes and other sex workers
Married 38 years
Dday - 2/19/13 - found the emails
He promised me Heaven then put me thru hell

Posts: 759 | Registered: Apr 2013
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 11:35 AM, September 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That email feels like manipulation..because it is. And,IMO,his reason for posting it here was so the BS's who are advising you to leave him would think he is remorseful..so we would stop telling you to run.

He is showing you who he is...believe him.

Edited because I type faster than my brain thinks sometimes.

[This message edited by confused615 at 11:45 AM, September 12th (Thursday)]


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling?

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7679 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
Josephine01
♀ Member
Member # 38511
Default  Posted: 11:39 AM, September 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Totally agree with ottanowhere and confused615


Me, 42 BS
H, 61 WH
2 boys 19 and 15 years old
Married 24 years

Posts: 314 | Registered: Feb 2013
ladies_first
♀ Member
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 2:48 PM, September 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It feels like manipulation to me.

So you're gut is telling you that his manipulation continues.

I'm anticipating a lot of responses from BS's saying that he's trying and that they wish their WS would say things like that.

The only betrayed partner his needs to "convince" is you.

Lonelygirl10, it's your life.


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
ladies_first
♀ Member
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 2:55 PM, September 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

tried to be cheerful and loving on his birthday, and planned a trip out of town as his present for the weekend. He was cold and distant. I pushed through it on his actual birthday, and tried to push through it in the car ride the next day. ...The next day he said he was sick, and seemed distant again.

So, he let you pay for a birthday trip for the 2 of you, then broke up with you upon return?

Beyond the Pale!


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
Lonelygirl10
♀ Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 3:13 PM, September 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honey, take the time off. What's the worst that could happen if you just have the time alone to re-evaluate your choices. This is a huge committment and not one to be taken lightly so please, take the break. Regroup and refresh your mind. Strenghten your resolve to do what's best for you. You are just too mired down right now to make the decisions you really need to make.

This is what my IC keeps telling me. She keeps saying that if he's moved on in a month, that means his commitment wasn't that great anyway. But the thing that keeps going through my head is how will I know if he's with someone else? Let's say I contact him in a month wanting to try again, and I ask if there was anyone else? He will say no, but how will I know?


30 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1205 | Registered: Jul 2013
outtanowhere
♀ Member
Member # 39001
Default  Posted: 3:19 PM, September 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Listen very carefully sweetie...you have zero control over anything he does. Detach. Move your focus to you, you, you! Try to get yourself to a place where it doesn't matter what he does. What matters is where you go from here. Go NC with him. It's amazing how just a couple of weeks can bring things into focus.

You will get there if you keep moving. Don't burden yourself with something that you can't control.


BS - 58
SAWH - 61 multiple encounters with prostitutes and other sex workers
Married 38 years
Dday - 2/19/13 - found the emails
He promised me Heaven then put me thru hell

Posts: 759 | Registered: Apr 2013
ladies_first
♀ Member
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 9:04 AM, September 13th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gently, I see you've been hanging out in the Wayward Forum the last 2 days, presumably tracking your WBF's progress.

You agreed with gonnabe2016, so I'm going to repeat those words TO you:
"The TL/DR version of my message is: Fix YOU. Carry your own water. Stop trying to *convince* [anyone else] of something."

If you're "on a break," TAKE a BREAK! Work on you. Remember, you have homework:

There's a part of me that wants to take a month alone just to clear my head and find myself again. My IC asked me yesterday, at our normal session, to make a list of the things I like about myself. I burst into tears because I couldn't think of a single thing. For the past 9 months, I have been clingy, needy, pessimistic, unfocused, and just not a fun person. I used to be optimistic, and always saw the positive in people. I used to be a fun person. I used to be focused and motivated at work. I told my IC that I felt like that girl died. I want her back. I want that version of myself back. I feel selfish saying this, but I don't know how to heal myself and find peace when I'm always worrying about WS's emotions.


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
Lonelygirl10
♀ Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 9:22 AM, September 13th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gently, I see you've been hanging out in the Wayward Forum the last 2 days, presumably tracking your WBF's progress.

I think I started reading the wayward forum to see how other WS's think or feel, to maybe understand my WBF better.

But, you're right. I need to focus on me.

I woke up this morning to an email from him where he gave me his passwords for the first time. Not sure what I think or feel about that yet. It seems like everyone on here thinks that passwords are important... but I guess I'm cynical because I think that WS could just create a second email account if he really wanted to do something without me knowing.


30 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1205 | Registered: Jul 2013
IWantDoOver
Member
Member # 39440
Default  Posted: 9:34 AM, September 13th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I woke up this morning to an email from him where he gave me his passwords for the first time.

This is NOT a break.

A break means No Contact and, presumably, no dating/fucking other people for a month while you do intensive personal work on yourselves.

Love yourself before you love another! Respect yourself.


Peace

Posts: 212 | Registered: Jun 2013
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 10:27 AM, September 13th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh yes,they can create another email account..or buy another cell phone and keep it all a secret again. It happens. But their willingness to hand over their passwords right when you ask them, shows a willingness to be open and honest and transparent. If you have to badger them into it,then that kind of sets the tone for R.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling?

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7679 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
outtanowhere
♀ Member
Member # 39001
Default  Posted: 12:19 PM, September 13th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That just seems to be another level of desperation on his part. He has had ample time to cut, paste & delete anything that would have been incriminating. You are right. It takes under a minute to establish a new email account. That's why I'm not tracking. If H wants to cheat he will find a way but, he knows in no uncertain terms it will be the kiss of death for this marriage. I have let it go because I can't control it. I do check bank statement & the cell phone bill or the so called trust but verify approach.

Please don't continue to let him manipulate you like this.


BS - 58
SAWH - 61 multiple encounters with prostitutes and other sex workers
Married 38 years
Dday - 2/19/13 - found the emails
He promised me Heaven then put me thru hell

Posts: 759 | Registered: Apr 2013
Topic Posts: 38
Pages: 1 · 2

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