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New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: How aligned do you feel you should be with an SO?
abbycadabby
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Member # 27428
Default  Posted: 9:02 AM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Random thoughts:

On major issues like finances, religion, long-term and short-term goals, children, housekeeping, relational roles, etc, is there an ideal to which you should aspire?

Is there room for dissonance between two people, or are differences of opinion on major issues destined to cause trouble between partners? I've always felt that with communication and mutual respect, differences of opinion on these issues can be effectively dealt with. Am I wrong? How in-line must one be with a partner?

Thanks!

[This message edited by abbycadabby at 9:05 AM, September 11th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 1234 | Registered: Feb 2010
lieshurt
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Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 10:24 AM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I really believe that you have to have a similar viewpoint on most of those things. Some things you may be able to come to a compromise on, but overall I think there as to be similar viewpoint for the two people to be successful in a relationship.


I'm sorry if you don't like my Honesty, but to be fair I don't like your lies.

Sometimes it's better to push someone away...not because you stopped loving them but because you can't take the pain anymore.


Posts: 13719 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
nowiknow23
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Default  Posted: 10:33 AM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think it comes down to communication and respect. I have very strong relationships (granted, family and friends rather than SO) with people who have very different viewpoints and beliefs than I do. The key is in acceptance, communications around expectations, and respect for varying perspectives.


You can call me NIK

"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
-Hayley Williams


Posts: 24938 | Registered: Aug 2011
wildbananas
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Member # 10552
Default  Posted: 1:24 PM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Personally, I need to have more in common than not with an SO, at least on the big issues (money, goals, parenting styles, temperment). My two "big" relationships in my life (ex-asshat and xso) were both incredibly stressful for me because we were such different people.

I wouldn't want anyone exactly like me, of course... but I'd like to have the big stuff in common. And like the Empress said, communication and respect are huge, no matter how alike (or not) you are.

[This message edited by wildbananas at 1:24 PM, September 11th (Wednesday)]


Travel light, live light, spread the light, be the light. ~ Yogi Bhajan

Posts: 15382 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Now an AZ girl
aesir
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Member # 17210
Default  Posted: 5:51 PM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, communication, respect, and tolerance are more important than any of these, but I find it hard to imagine a happy relationship if you don't have compatible thoughts on relational roles. Other than home ownership, retirement planning, and what you want to do for that 25th or 50th anniversary party, I don't know if the short and long term goals are necessarily even related to relationships, so long as you can find a way to fulfill them within the context of your relationship.


Your mileage may vary... in accordance with the prophecy.

Do not back up. Severe tire damage.


Posts: 14924 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Winnipeg
phmh
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Default  Posted: 6:03 PM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think it depends on the issue. Of course respect and tolerance are important, but there aren't compromises on some of these issues. For example if one person wants to have kids and the other doesn't.

There's a great article on baggagereclaim about shared values vs. shared interests. I think that shared values are really important -- and much of what you listed are shared values.

For example, I am frugal with money. I don't deprive myself, but I live within my means and make sure to save a lot for retirement. I couldn't be with someone (long-term) who had nothing saved for retirement, was in consumer debt, etc. I know I'd come to resent him.

I could deal with different levels of messiness as you can hire a cleaning service.


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark. -Michelangelo


Posts: 3311 | Registered: Dec 2011
million pieces
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Default  Posted: 8:13 PM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree w phmh. Values are different than interests. SO are both active and have varied interests. They are mostly different, but we respect each others interests.

Values we are pretty much matched. We have the same end goals. We may not have the same exact way of getting there, but we want the same things in life.


Me - 42
2 kids, 9 and 11
D-Day 2/5/10, separated 3 wks later
Divorced 11/15/11!!!!

Posts: 1241 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: MD
NaiveAgain
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Default  Posted: 7:10 AM, September 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We have the same end goals. We may not have the same exact way of getting there, but we want the same things in life.
That is where I am with my guy. We want the same end result but right now we have different ideas on how to get it. But we are on the same page as far as our values, children, religion, our future, and the way we want to handle our relationship and how we feel disagreements should be handled.

[This message edited by NaiveAgain at 7:16 AM, September 12th (Thursday)]


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15191 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
hexed
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Member # 19258
Default  Posted: 7:38 AM, September 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The only issue that I insist on being on the same page with my SO is kids. I don't want anymore and I am not willing to compromise on that. He feels the same. Second date conversation for me. Regarding child raising -- we're pretty much on the same page.

Religion - totally different. Politics -- we're totally different. We discuss things respectfully but I don't expect to change him and he doesn't try and make me believe what he does. We have great, interesting conversations. I respect him as a person so I respect his thoughts on these topics

Finances are trickier. We are similar but not identical and he throws a monkey wrench in to things once in a while.

Relational gender roles...well that's been interesting. I'm the opposite of the women in his past. He's learned to like it. He has also learned to express himself when that difference makes him uncomfortable. I tell him when he's being unacceptably old school IMO. We fell in love with the people we are. I remind him sometimes that he fell for a woman with a career not a stay at home, domesticly gifted type of gal. That isn't going to change.

We fell into our roles pretty naturally. He does nearly all of the cooking. I do most of the laundry. However, there are no 100% his job/my job type of things. If the laundry isn't done and he wants something clean, he washes it. He doesn't make me feel guilty for not having it done. I can make myself dinner if I want something he doesn't cook. No big thing.

For us it comes down to respect.


But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler


Posts: 8438 | Registered: Apr 2008
abbycadabby
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Member # 27428
Default  Posted: 8:46 AM, September 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all for your interesting responses and perspectives!

aesir- this is just an example, but if one of my long-term goals was to, say, move to Alaska or something, and my SO was confined to his current locale for various reasons, then the relationship would hardly work long-term. That's all I meant (long-term goals of one partner that would affect the other partner in some way)


Posts: 1234 | Registered: Feb 2010
Topic Posts: 10

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