Here are some different things he has said, at different times, in answer to the why:
1. He was numb and just wanted to feel something(longstanding depression.)
2. He felt appreciated, wanted, sexually and otherwise by the OW. Our sex life at home was lacking.
3. He was very angry at me( in relation to our lack of sex life and my frustration with him sitting on his a** all the time, basically, leaving me to run everything on my own and care for 4 small children.)
4. He was entitled to his sexuality and since I didn't care about that, he found someone who did.
5. And my all time favorite - he loves me and wanted to stay married to me, so he had the affair for the benefit of our marriage.
I don't think he knows why he did it, really. When he spilled out reason #5, I even asked him, when you hear yourself say that out loud, does it make any sense to you at all? He allowed that no, it did not.
I feel like I have gone through the looking glass to a hideous alternate reality where nothing makes sense.
How did you start to make sense of the why's? When did you begin to see glimmers of the real reasons? Or does it never make sense?
[This message edited by iwillNOT at 11:15 PM, September 10th (Tuesday)]
How they can convince themselves so utterly of these "excuses" is beyond me.
However, my perception is different. Years earlier, when I thought he was happy, I had clear sensing he was shopping around through his female
friends trying to start something so I completely shut down. I knew Victoria's Secrets wasn't enough. (Don't know why I stayed though)
I had no answers as to why he started shopping, when we were communicating, when I thought he
was happy. I just knew he was shopping. I just completely numbed out. This was my mom/dad's dynamic repeating and it paralyzed me.
Later...the blessing of dday...one honest indication I did get was one of the first bubbling things out of his mouth on dday (what I knew deep down too)...that he had "never slept with anyone but you before" (we were both virgins). And I think it's probably as concrete and simple as that...he didn't have what he felt was his fair share of diverse tits and ass in life. And he was going to make damn sure he got his.
He has decades of ED and PE problems and refused to get help so we stopped having sex. Great foreplay, but he left high and dry, frustrated, and in tears. He didn't much care about that because he didn't pursue help, no matter how much I begged.
I asked him why he didn't bring it up to me, about exploring sex again. Some lame ass answer: I dunno.
I asked why he betrayed me, lied to me, and continued to do so--he figured I wouldn't find out, and it felt really good, and she was REALLY attractive. Probably the easiest money she ever made, for less than 20 seconds of "work."
I don't think I'll ever know, or even understand, why.
[This message edited by Hope2B at 1:00 AM, September 11th (Wednesday)]
There are reasons that marriages can get shaky and that people become disconnected, but an affair is NEVER the path to happiness. It falsely feeds their sense of ego, self-worth, and the sex is exciting a new like any new relationship.
The problem is that when the bubble bursts, they feel worse about themselves. They hurt themselves, their spouses, their children, their families, and the families of their AP. And they know that, so they just feel worse.
When they really can look at it, realize it was selfish and counter-productive, then they can start to feel real remorse, and start to rebuild their trustworthiness and honor.
So sorry you are having to deal with this, but you certainly are not alone. It you will look at your member number, that should tell you how many people are dealing with this. You will always have support on this site.
Hugs and keep posting.
Work on your own healing. You will eventually come to a more peaceful place and accept the situation (note: that does not mean its ok or y ou approve). But obsessing too long actually is a step back.
He's simply one of the most self-entitled, selfish, uncaring asses on the planet and felt it was his god given right to do whatever he pleased, as long as it served him
I didn't look for reasons such as depression or family of origin or whether Mercury was in retrograde - I simply looked at it for what it was. And what it was, was a selfish ass-hat pleasing himself.
One of the first things I was told in IC is there will never be a logical answer to that question. Logic does not apply when emotions rule.
I get that. But that doesn't prevent me from wanting to know why our marriage was volated.
In IC I was given a copy of 'not just friends'. It has given me a little insite but doesn't answer the root quesion of 'why'.
Pardon the typos. Am posting via blackberry while waiting for my next IC apt.
I changed my username to Camalus...the Celtic God of War, Sky, and Retribution.
Camalus wore the horns for a brief period of time
I will counter that with another question. Will there every be a why that makes you feel it was acceptable for him to have an affair? No matter what he tells you, no matter how deep he digs into IC, nothing will ever make it acceptable. Does that mean he shouldn't do that work? No. It needs to be done for the wayward.
Just be aware that no answer to why is going to satisfy you the bs. It won't. It may help you to understand the mindset, the way things played out, etc but the why will never make it acceptable.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
I can honestly say that it is not an answer that you get right away, and it takes the WS working hard, on themselves to figure it out.
For every reason they give you, it needs to go deeper. Why was he numb, why was he not feeling with me?
Why did he need the outside validation? Why was that better than what he had at home?
Anything related to not getting enough sex, or the right kind of sex needs to get squished and called for the bullshit it is when it comes out of their mouths. It's their responsiblity to communicate with their spouse their wish to have, more, different, less, sex. If they can't do that, then they need to figure that shit out immediately.
For our situation, it was a combination of things, depression, lack of external validation, and him realizing that I didn't need him. Of course I didn't NEED him, but I wanted him.
There is a point where a lot of realize that the life we are currently living is as good as it's gonna get for a long time. After we have worked our tails off in college, and land the good job, and work hard, and have babies, it's more a quarter life crisis, and you realize that for all your hard work, your only reward is that you get to do it day after day after day, and it's a challenge to be the perfect employee, the best spouse, and most awesome parent, and you don't get atta boys nearly enough. The realization that you have to do it all for you, and be happy with yourself, and validate yourself, that's when it gets better, and the WS really starts to heal.
Anyway that's my thoughts on it.
You can't make sense out of nonsense. It's like trying to fully understand why a terrorist would choose to blow themselves up. Inconceivable for most, I guess unless you were ever a WS and can truly identify.
My concern is that there are two affairs that you know of.
After the first and seeing the damage and hurt it caused how can he knowingly do this again to you and your family?
His responses are that of someone who is trying to justify his behavior. From what you write, he doesn't sound too remorseful at all.
He needs IC to figure out how and why he thinks he is justified in treating you and your marriage this way.
If his thought process doesn't change and he doesn't come around to seeking forgiveness then I am sorry to say but he will continue to cheat.
Right now it sounds like it is all about him.
Look up the 180. Stand up for yourself, set your boundaries and protect you and your children.
Good luck. Sorry you are here.
There are no reasons, justifications or excuses for infidelity. They are only rationalizations by cheaters.
Her: WW/56 Me: BS/62, 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11
At this point, I think the why I am hunting for has more to do with the fact that I still feel in shock,in a "did this really happen? How could this have happened?" kind of disbelief. Like the world doesn't make sense.
There is no why that would make it ok. I just want to understand, though I am really coming around to accepting that at it's essence - he did it, because he wanted to do it, more than he wanted not to do it. He wanted to, it felt good, he felt entitled, and he didn't think he would get caught.
One thing that I have refused to even entertain since Dday is that it is my fault. He has been trying to blame it on me. Try again, a**hole.
In my mind, I make the analogy of a hungry person, with no money for food. Do they offer to work for money or food? Do they try to borrow money to buy food? Or - do they just steal it, because it is quickest and gets them satisfaction.
It's a character flaw, isn't it? Because I was also unhappy, and I would NEVER cheat. Just not an option for me.
Over a year out, I think I do understand somewhat what drove my WH to indulge in his A. He had bad feelings he couldn't deal with. He didn't understand the power of these bad feelings to fuck him up and drive his behaviors. He thought he was in control of his life. So he ended up doing something profoundly irrational. And I'm pretty sure he gets how awful what he did is. But does understanding it make it OK? HELL NO. Do I "get it"? HELL NO. Do I understand how he could have really done it? HELL NO.
Bottom line is, he did do it. And I will never get over it. I will learn to live with it and move on with my life. At some point I might feel joy again. But right now...
Oh, and your WH? He's MILES, no make that LIGHT YEARS from being anywhere near safe. He's still making excuses and blameshifting. No where near safe.
[This message edited by Blobette at 11:50 AM, September 11th (Wednesday)]
WH says he has no complaints about our M or me as a wife. He says our sex life is amazing, more than he could ever wish for. He still finds me sexy & is very attracted to me daily. But yet still made a deliberate decision to spend and entire day (at least) arranging a meet up with a prostitute, who, by WH account, was not attractive, a bit overweight, not his type and her lady bits had an odor!
I imagine in some situations there is a why, & in others, there is not. I wish there was a why, always, but I'm afraid there is not!
iwillNOT, your WH is making his own deficiencies yours. Do not let him! If there were issues in your M, there are plenty of ways to address and improve them. Having an A is not it!
XO - Hugs