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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Dealing with "divorce is always a sin"
MissMarple
♀ New Member
Member # 39151
Default  Posted: 11:28 AM, September 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For the most part, I have support from my church leadership in my decision to divorce my husband. In fact, they went through a formal church discipline process with him and revoked his membership. However, I am still faced with others that think that divorce is never okay, and that I should wait (forever?) for him to repent so we can reconcile. Or that if I divorce him, I can never get remarried. Ugh. I am quite sick of defending myself for deciding to divorce him. I'm meeting with my lawyer on Friday to start the paperwork. Has anyone else faced this, and how did you deal with it? I am a Christian, and I care deeply about following the Bible and pleasing God.


BS (me) 29
WH 29
Married for 7 years
One son age 4
D-day 4-29-13
Multiple hookers on Craigslist!!!
Getting ready to file.

Posts: 33 | Registered: May 2013
Newlease
♀ Member
Member # 7767
Default  Posted: 11:32 AM, September 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IMHO - true "Christians" should spend less time judging others and more time trying to be the best possible example of love and concern for their fellow man.

NL


Even if you can't control the world around you, you are still the master of your own soul.

Posts: 7690 | Registered: Aug 2005
RyeBread
♂ Member
Member # 37437
Default  Posted: 11:40 AM, September 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MissMarple,

I really feel for what you are going through. When I was younger my parents divorced due to my father's A. He wouldn't leave the OW. We were very religious. Ironically the members turned their backs on my mother and us kids after that. I don't know if it was because they felt awkward and didn't know what to say, Or if it really was them being judgemental. Either way your relationship with God far outweighs any nonperfect sinners perceptions. Do what you feel is best for you and answer to the One who knows your heart the most.

I have always tried to remind myself that church is a hospital for sinners, not a shrine for saints.

Best of luck to you


Let him that would move the world first move himself. - Socrates

Posts: 1030 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Midwest
sparkysable
♀ Member
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 11:45 AM, September 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I never ran into this kind of discrimination, in fact I found church to be very supportive.

I was told that adultery is an acceptable reason to divorce, according to the bible.

the message that I got was that God doesn't LIKE divorce, none of us do really, but he does LOVE EVERYBODY, regardless, whether they are divorced or not.


D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010

Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.


Posts: 3348 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 11:52 AM, September 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have run into this in spades. Infidelity, abuse & divorce are usually covered up & minimized. I don't have time for an in-depth reply to you now (I'm dashing off to my church, actually!), but here's a place to start. It's been a tremendous help to me:

https://www.facebook.com/pages/A-Cry-for-Justice/196307250499415

Also, look up Leslie Vernick on YouTube. She also has a website. She speaks mainly to abuse, but her words & counsel are also applicable to divorce. You will be comforted & armed with resources!


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9673 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
TrustedHer
♂ Member
Member # 23328
Default  Posted: 12:05 PM, September 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Find a DivorceCare group, pronto.

It's Christian, bible-based, and specifically addresses this topic.

It's also welcoming to those who are less religious, but the focus is on the scriptural support for those who divorce.


Take care of yourself. There's a great future out there. It won't come to you; you have to go to it.

Posts: 5154 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: DeepInTheHeartOf, TX
luvbug0915
♀ Member
Member # 22934
Default  Posted: 12:14 PM, September 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sweetie, you sound like me when I decided to D my first H. My pastor would not counsel me alone because he had a policy of only counseling both parties of the marriage. He did give me a set of tapes (this was back in 1999)of his marriage workshop and I will never forget the phrase that released me from the guilt of filing for divorce.

Yes, God hates divorce but there are worse things than divorce. Black eyes and bloody noses are worse than divorce. Bruised and battered souls are worse than divorce. Raising children who grow up to hate God because of the example their father set for them are worse than divorce...

There was a lot more but this is what still sticks with me all these years later.

Release yourself from the guilt and do what you need to protect yourself and your son.


eta: typos

[This message edited by luvbug0915 at 12:16 PM, September 10th (Tuesday)]


"I haven't stopped looking for the good in people. I've just accepted the fact that I'm not always going to find it."-Patti LaBelle


Posts: 1038 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Metro Atlanta
movingbackwards
♀ Member
Member # 40612
Default  Posted: 12:24 PM, September 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel for you on this. I am a Christian as well, and I'm not sure whether or not I'm headed for D, but I am considering it, and I've had people tell me that you must try everything to R before resorting to D without that being a sin. Or that if divorced, remarriage is always a sin. But, strangly enough, the Bible does not say this. The Bible says that divorce is sinful EXCEPT in the case of adultery... Not adultery that you have tried to work through and can't, but adultery. Period.

Mark Driscoll has a sermon on divorce that I found to be helpful in relieving the guilt I felt over considering it. I don't have the link, but I'm sure a web search would pull it up.

Hugs!


You can crawl back home, say you were wrong
Stand out in the yard and cry all night long
Go ahead and water the lawn
My give a damn's busted!

Posts: 85 | Registered: Sep 2013
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 12:48 PM, September 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As a Christian woman, who does not attend church for the very reason of people sticking their noses where they don't belong, and judging. I say let it go.
Let them say whatever they want, and make wahtever judgement they want. It's not their job to do, and the big guy upstairs, he's watching them too.

This is your decsion to make not theirs. Be strong in knowing that it's very clearly outlined in the bible, new and old testament that Divorce is acceptable in cases of adultery, and abuse.

(((and strength))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8506 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
thenon-goddess
♀ Member
Member # 31229
Default  Posted: 1:34 PM, September 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know religion is not permitted on the forums, but I assume since you asked it is okay to post this:

Matthew 5:31-32

31 It hath been said, Whosoever shall put away his wife, let him give her a writing of divorcement:

32 But I say unto you, That whosoever shall put away his wife, saving for the cause of fornication, causeth her to commit adultery: and whosoever shall marry her that is divorced committeth adultery.


Status: divorcing
Typing on an iPhone - please excuse the typos!

Posts: 1244 | Registered: Feb 2011
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 1:36 PM, September 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry you're facing this. I thought I would have to deal with this too, but instead I've been relieved to find that my local parochial schools and my church have been understanding and supportive. One school held slots open for my children all summer in case we needed them. And I joined a support group that meets at my church. The pastor actually stopped by last week at the meeting to talk - I was sorry to miss it.

But as I said, I've been surprised. Before i reached out to the schools and church, I was actually thinking of converting to another religion that is more liberal.

Have you thought about finding another church?

Here is one of my favorite Anne Lamott quotes for you.

“You can safely assume you’ve created God in your image when it turns out God hates all the same people you do.”

(((HUGS)))


Posts: 1697 | Registered: Oct 2011
Phoenix1
♀ Member
Member # 38928
Default  Posted: 1:56 PM, September 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You may find some of this info helpful: http://www.christianitytoday.com/ct/2000/augustweb-only/48.0c.html

FWIW, my WH is a devout (albeit hypocritical) Catholic. He was married previously, but was able to obtain an annulment from the Catholic Church so we could be married in church (which was important to him). The Bible allows for divorce on grounds of infidelity or abandonment, and there are arguments that allow for the remarriage of the "innocent party." So I have definitely been down the road you are on.

Ultimately, everyone has their own opinion of what is/isn't the right course of action, and even church leaders cannot agree. If you feel what you are doing is right in the eyes of the Bible and God, then do it. There is so much room for interpretation that a general consensus will never occur.


BS - Me
XPOS - too many OW/OCs over 20+yrs
Kids - DDs 22,17 -DS20 Deceased
M Dissolved 2013

This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man ~ Shakespeare, Hamlet


Posts: 1107 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Rising out of Hell's ashes!
Tearsoflove
♀ Member
Member # 8271
Default  Posted: 2:53 PM, September 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've never had any problem saying: "That's funny. I don't remember asking for your opinion. And I'm positive that I didn't give you the impression that I care about your opinion."


"Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand." ~Homer Simpson


Posts: 4089 | Registered: Sep 2005
MissMarple
♀ New Member
Member # 39151
Default  Posted: 4:42 PM, September 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks all. I have a feeling I will bear the stigma of being divorced for a very long time. It's so frustrating to have to deal with people second guessing my choices, when it was such a difficult decision to make in the first place. I meant my wedding vows, and took them seriously. Unfortunately, WH didn't.

That Leslie Vernick site is great. I think I'm gonna order her book on emotionally destructive marriages. My WH is also emotionally abusive, and I just can't live with him anymore.


BS (me) 29
WH 29
Married for 7 years
One son age 4
D-day 4-29-13
Multiple hookers on Craigslist!!!
Getting ready to file.

Posts: 33 | Registered: May 2013
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 4:58 PM, September 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I may order that book as well. Did you watch her little "sneak peek" video series previewing her book? I stayed up way too late last night watching them!


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9673 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
StillLivin
♀ Member
Member # 40229
Default  Posted: 4:59 PM, September 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MissMarple,
It absolutely amazes me how people like to thump the Bible and they haven't read it.
I won't give scripture because it doesn't comply with SI policies.
Oh, and it also amazes me how people can delve in your personal business but want to correct YOU on your marriage.
With that said, the Bible has plenty to say about marriage and divorce.
Bing or Google Bible, divorce, and adultery.
Without myself thumping too hard and offending, the Bible does give that it is only a sin if you were the adulterer, or if he has truly repented and you gave no forgiveness.
Not only can you divorce him for his unrepentant adultery, YOU can go on to remarry, and he cannot without it being a sin.
You can also go on to marry in a church to another Christian that is not an unrepentant adulteror.
Oh, I sooooo wish I could put all the scripture on this post. Better yet, wish I were with you when someone tried to misinterpret the Bible.
When one actually reads the Bible instead of minding other people's business, it's amazing what one can learn!
Good luck with those simple minded busy bodies.


I don't need further confirmation of what a fuckwit he is. I already have plenty, thanks very much. -SBB
D: 7/2/2014

Posts: 2237 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: AZ
lieshurt
♀ Member
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 5:04 PM, September 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

However, I am still faced with others that think that divorce is never okay, and that I should wait (forever?) for him to repent so we can reconcile. Or that if I divorce him, I can never get remarried

I have a feeling I will bear the stigma of being divorced for a very long time.

If you surround yourself with people who feel this way about you, then perhaps it's time to find better people to surround yourself with.

[This message edited by lieshurt at 5:04 PM, September 10th (Tuesday)]


I'm sorry if you don't like my Honesty, but to be fair I don't like your lies.

Sometimes it's better to push someone away...not because you stopped loving them but because you can't take the pain anymore.


Posts: 13753 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
newlysingle
♀ Member
Member # 38735
Default  Posted: 5:08 PM, September 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, I'm not a Christian, so you may have to take this with a grain of salt. However, I also don't think that God approves of finding hookers on Craigslist either. It may not state that directly in the Bible, but had Craigslist existed when it was written it probably would have been included.

I can't imagine any church implying that you should tolerate abuse like that just to please God. You are worthy of much more and I think God thinks so too.


BW - Me (37)
XWH - (37) The Gnat
OW - Some dumb whore he picked up in another state and moved here here. Known as Hello Kitty.
M for 8 years, together for 10
1 DD (5), 1 DS (1 year)
Dday 3/13
Divorced 9/20/13

Posts: 897 | Registered: Mar 2013
MissMarple
♀ New Member
Member # 39151
Default  Posted: 5:40 PM, September 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My default answer lately to "God hates divorce" is that he hates all the stuff that leads up to it too. Yeah, I agree that God doesn't approve of the serial adultery that WH committed and all the lies to cover it up.

I live in the Bible Belt, so the divorce stigma is hard to get away from in this part of the country. Hopefully I can help support other women in my area that are facing similar scenarios. I hope to set an example of strength and courage.


BS (me) 29
WH 29
Married for 7 years
One son age 4
D-day 4-29-13
Multiple hookers on Craigslist!!!
Getting ready to file.

Posts: 33 | Registered: May 2013
Chrysalis123
♀ Member
Member # 27148
Default  Posted: 6:34 PM, September 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hopefully I can help support other women in my area that are facing similar scenarios. I hope to set an example of strength and courage.

Wow..You are an amazing woman to be turning a hard, horrible trial into a blessing for others.

Perhaps, in time, a change in churches would help and give you a fresh start.

[This message edited by Chrysalis123 at 6:35 PM, September 10th (Tuesday)]


Don’t get to the end of your life and find that you lived only the length of it; live the width of it as well. 

Posts: 2673 | Registered: Jan 2010
Topic Posts: 31
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