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User Topic: Still so confused
Whattodo313
New Member
Member # 40307
Default  Posted: 10:05 AM, September 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Its been several weeks since I got confirmation that my wife cheated on me with numerous guys over the last 4 years (we have only been married for 6 years). I caught her cheating last Christmas, but she finally admitted sleeping with these guys a few weeks ago, and even admitted to continuing to contact one of them even after I found out in December. The first time (December) was tough. But, this may be tougher. I know she is trying, but I am stuck. I feel like we would both be better off if I left, but we have a 5 year old, and I don't want to shuffle her between homes / parents. I am so confused and heart broken. I don't trust my wife at all, and have not forgiven her either. Both issues are eating me up inside, and I don't know what to do about it.

I'm just so sad at what not only our relationship, but my life, has become.


Posts: 9 | Registered: Aug 2013
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 11:05 AM, September 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For now all you can do is live with it. Too early to make decisions.

As hard as it is for now I suggest that you wait and watch.

Make sure your WW establishes and keeps No Contact (NC).

Make sure your WW opens all avenues of communication to you. No hidden email accounts. Facebook. Phone. Every way she communicated with the OMs or might communicate with them needs to be open for you to check. If she complains its a REALLY bad sign.

Think about what you need to see from WW as far as remorse and her working on herself to change her behavior.

Does your WW have any remorse for what she has done?


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.


Posts: 3361 | Registered: Sep 2007
Whattodo313
New Member
Member # 40307
Default  Posted: 11:17 AM, September 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes she does.

She is doing all of the things you have described.

But, after I found out in December, I monitored all of her communications, etc. but she then used her work email to keep in contact with the one guy she "thought she loved." And, I cannot monitor that email. More so, I do not want to monitor her daily life. Its not right, and I shouldn't have to. Still, I do check up on the email address I know she has (I don't believe that she doesn't have others), though only occasionally.

Its so tough to live with and be married to some one you don't trust.


Posts: 9 | Registered: Aug 2013
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 11:21 AM, September 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes I know its really hard to deal with this shit. I have been right where you are with your WW.

I didnt want to give up my kids. And the thought of OM having a role in raising them was unbearable. I stayed in the M and it is a VERY tough road to follow.

Who were these OM? How did she meet them? Were there emotional attachments she had with them?


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.


Posts: 3361 | Registered: Sep 2007
Whattodo313
New Member
Member # 40307
Default  Posted: 11:34 AM, September 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Other men were people she knew before we met, and people she met on craigslist. The one she continued to contact was a craigslist guy. Fucking pathetic. And I feel that I am pathetic for staying. But, again, I dont want to shuffle my kid between homes. And, she is doing what she "should" be doing, or at least I have not caugh her doing anything she shouldn't be doing yet.

Are you still with your wife? How long has it been? If not, what was the breaking point? If you're still with her, what helped to make things better for you?

Thanks for your time.


Posts: 9 | Registered: Aug 2013
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 4:13 PM, September 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Still with WW. Its been over 15 years since Dday. I never got the whole truth and only a faux remorse. She was mostly sad for herself.

One thing to watch out for. WW changed allot at first but slowly fell back into old patterns. Keep an eye on your WW patterns of behavior. There is a risk she could think that everything is fine between you 2 and relax. WW went into what she called *damage control* (a term she said when talking to OM). Everything would be fine and as soon as she thought I was relaxed again she would resume her pattern of poor boundaries with other men. Keep a eye out for that.

Our relationship has changed. I keep a loose eye on WW watching for behavior changes. I will NEVER EVER trust her again. If she says the sky is blue I will check before I agree. AND I speak up if she wants to do something that is a LTA behavior pattern.

I dont really commit myself to WW at all. I dont love her as I did. I LIKE her but thats as far as I will go. She is a friend. We share a common world view and sense of humor. We enjoy each others company. Beyond that there is no real feelings.

Oddly I believe WW thinks we have a good M now and that we are *over it*. I dont really know what *over it* means but thats something I am definitely not.

Maybe your WW will do better than mine. I hope so for your sake.


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.


Posts: 3361 | Registered: Sep 2007
Whattodo313
New Member
Member # 40307
Default  Posted: 8:00 AM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow. I don't want to be rude, but that sounds like a terrible way to live to me.

I don't know that I will ever trust my wife again, which is why I am considering divorce so strongly.

What is it about the marriage / relationship that makes it worth it to continue to be married to her, given that you still don't trust her after 15 years?


Posts: 9 | Registered: Aug 2013
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 9:44 AM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am a older person. So there are allot of ties that bind us together. Family. Friends. Kids. Finances.

If I were younger a D would have been the better path to take. But at my age a D would have hurt me more than it would help.

And my life is not bad. I am mostly happy. I do as I choose and me and WW get along fine.


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.


Posts: 3361 | Registered: Sep 2007
OnAnIsland
♀ Member
Member # 34319
Default  Posted: 9:55 AM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What todo,
Have you thought about the types of actions that your ww could do that would provide you with comfort? I have tried to do that myself with WH, and to tell him what I think might help. And to ask him to be proactive in coming up with ways to reassure me and rebuild trust. Seem things don't work like I hope, and others surprise me. But we keep on trying to rebuild.

Is your ww in individual counseling? Are you two in marital counseling?

And why can't you track her work email? Could you drop by work and do occasional spot checks? Not often, but once in awhile,until you start believing that she is walking the walk? That she is a safe partner? That may not be possibly in her work environment or situation . Just an ideas.

It is possible but awkward in my WH situation, but I did it. and whenever I am in his office, I monitor what he is doing.. He is not at all defensive and quite matter of fact and open about his work, etc.

This is hard stuff, and I can only say that sustained action over time is what best rebuilds trust. Take care.


D-day: Christmas 2011
D-day 2: 3/28/2013

Married for over 15 years
2 beautiful boys in elementary school

You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them. Maya Angelou


Posts: 1477 | Registered: Dec 2011
Topic Posts: 9

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