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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: I Love My Wife
VD2012
♂ Member
Member # 36317
Content  Posted: 12:10 AM, September 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm staring at her right now as she sleeps on the couch near the baby. Both seemingly blissfully at peace. But I know she's not at peace. She twitches in her sleep. She mumbles things in her sleep she isn't aware of (typically apologies to me). She opens her unseeing eyes groggily every so often before readjusting and then closing them to find better rest. She doesn't find it. The slightest movement by me has her waking to check if I'm okay.

She's always tired. Always stressed. Her mind is a constant whir of being cautious, proactive, caring, contemplative. Every day she wakes and looks in the mirror to be disappointed every time. She's saddened by who she was, disgusted by the pain she's brought on everyone. She struggles with her shame and guilt. Her remorse is almost physically tangible; I swear it has taken corporeal form and become a sentient entity. I can poke it and it asks what it can do to ease my pain, if I need anything, if I want to talk, if there's anything it can do. All while telling me how much it loves me and is sorry for everything. It's there clear as day right along side her. Living with her, embodying her. She's walking remorse.

And living through this with me, this recovery, this reconciliation, this resurrection... It has to be so fucking hard. I'm a daily reminder of the results of her poor choices. She has to look into my eyes every day and know how deeply she's hurt me. Her affair was never about finding someone better than me, finding anyone to even be romantic with. Her reasons for entering an affair aren't typical (and I won't reiterate here) but the results are all too familiar for everyone struck by infidelity. And ever since D-Day... Questions. More questions. Hard intense talks. Scrutinizing everything. Verifying, validating, venting. I have been ceaseless in my quest to recover from this and if she wanted to stay with me and be in my life she damn well was going to help me. She was going to fix her shit and change. Anything less was unacceptable. I read what other BSs do with their WSs and I just think to myself "if they can't handle that, fuck if they could survive with me." I have put her through an emotional grinder on a fairly constant basis since D-Day. I generally post a lot of fairly positive things here, so it's likely hard to understand what really goes on "behind the scenes" but I know I'm not easy to live with. I don't make her life hard on purpose, but just the requirements of reconciling and what I expect from her are tough. What she expects from herself is even tougher.

I've sat around for a few weeks having a really rough time. Mostly not infidelity related, more just my life is fucking hard. Yet the affair is of course always there. Just like my wife is. She is bolstering me, holding me up, fucking carrying me on with her. She has tough days where her own issues surface (namely FOO shit since they suck) but she's always there for me. I'm not really any better mentally but this woman is helping hold me together and is helping to pull me out of the darkness. She's never done that before. I'm not used to it. I've told her this and how I'm not sure what to do with it, and she keeps doing what she's doing.

It sucks being a wayward. At least being a remorseful one. It just has to. I look at my wife and I see just how hard her life has become.

Yet she carries on. She has a strength and determination now I quite frankly never thought she could have. No matter how hard I think life has to be reconciling she doesn't waver. She has surprised me. Who she is now I quite frankly would never have thought could exist. I only say this in retrospect, because I honestly was happy with her and enjoyed the life we had, but she fucking sucked before. Old her isn't good enough. Who she's become honestly leaves me in awe at times. I could spend an unreasonable amount of time detailing and describing every little difference and nuance to her current way of life to articulate all the changes, big and small, but it really boils down to she's changed. She's a good person and I do feel lucky to have this woman in my life.

She's funny, intelligent, compassionate, beautiful, talented and she loves me. She's only ever loved me. The problem was she didn't know how to before, it was unhealthy how she loved me. She was never shown how to love properly, it wasn't modeled for her. She's learned through counselling, soul searching, reading and lots of really long talks. I finally feel loved by her in the way I always wanted. Some days it seems surreal and I worry this isn't real, but there she is every day showing me she loves me, showing me she's genuine, and showing me she's got this. Despite thinking she would she hasn't wavered.

I wish I was further along with healing. Year two is turning out to hold some mental and emotional challenges I didn't expect but for the first time in my life I actually feel like I can rely on someone else. As much as I believed I could with her before I accept I never believed it, I do now. I've needed to rely on her, needed her to step up in a way she never has before, to be the best person she can be, otherwise our relationship wouldn't have survived. Someone's got my back and I don't have to do everything. It's a relief.

In 6 days it'll be the one year "anniversary" of us going to the annual local fair. That day is significant to me because it was the first one since D-Day where I felt life was okay, I thought things were going to work out and I enjoyed being with her without any negative thoughts. It was a hopeful day and I've had many since. We're going again tomorrow. In a weird way it's around now (but primarily after next month) wherein I will be able to look back on life and think "well, a year ago... shit was actually okay" instead of the negative thoughts I've had for months.

This shit is so hard. It's really hard on me. And it has to be hard for her. I know it is, but sometimes she makes it look so easy. I wish she had always been like this but I also wish I could hang out with Roger Rabbit. Wishing doesn't amount to anything. Truth is despite all things my current reality is pretty good. I have a wonderful best friend and I love her. And I not only know, but feel, that she loves me.

Just felt like I'd share some thoughts. Sorry if the post is scatter shot, my mind's all over the place. Thanks for reading.


Me: 28 ~ Her (FR2012): 27
Together: 9 years, 2 children
D-Day: April 19, 2012

Surrender to the truth of life.


Posts: 466 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Traversing Dark Places With The Light of Truth
brknwmn
♀ Member
Member # 40603
Default  Posted: 12:29 AM, September 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Thank you for posting this. I'm in your shoes as far as the being the BS but I had really lost hope. I'm your wife's age and my WH is your age so it's good to know that it's possible to move past all of this nonsense. Keep loving her and share your feelings with her (as a woman/person it's just something almost better than air)

I wish you the best of luck and hope that I can get to the place you are and be able to look at my WH and genuinely feel like I love him again.


Me: 26 BS Him: 29 WH
Together since Dec 2005
officially done 10-30-13

Never be ashamed of a scar. It simply means you were stronger than whatever tried to hurt you.


Posts: 78 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: United States
mesoSTUPID
♀ Member
Member # 35679
Default  Posted: 12:31 AM, September 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Like!


Thank you for posting this. I can see this came from the bottom of your heart.


ME (BS): 41 and so stupid!
Him (WH): 43. He's my dragon slayer but my heart wasn't supposed to be slayed!

Posts: 195 | Registered: May 2012 | From: Miami
tired girl
♀ Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 2:34 AM, September 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can relate to so much of what you have written here, coming from both sides of the fence.

Thank you for this.


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 5071 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
TxsT
♀ Member
Member # 39996
Default  Posted: 3:52 AM, September 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

VD2012

At times it can be serial can't it? If you would have said to me that R was possible after the hell and fire we have walked through I would have laughed at you and said "try again!"

Your post was wonderful. Thank you for sharing. I find myself wondering many of your same emotions, with similar inflections and can't quite figure out if I am happy, forever sad or completely grateful this has happened in our life.

Happy......once a way of life, even with the past problems, of looking at my/our marriage. I was happy that we existed, even in the face of such odds these days, as a team of two taking on the ills in our marriage and the popular belief that NO ONE could survive such a slip in fidelity. Too many were the critics who assailed me in my choice of wanting to look my heart in the eye and say "it's ok, we will survive".

Forever sad that things will never be easy again nor will we be able to sit back and ease into the second half of our life.....we have to fight for each moment of pure happiness now only to know just how close we came to not having the Happily ever after.

Totally grateful that my H has learned from his ways, understood the great pain he has caused and NEVER wants to hurt me in the same way again. Grateful I was able to be strong in the face of certain death to most marriages and own up to my own shortcomings as a wife, mother and friend.

Gone is the phoney front of our marriage, the part that I used to cling to and hope was strong enough to keep us both moving forward. Gone is the easy, the fast, the in the moment type of feelings that required so little thought. In its place has blossomed this incredible, wonderful new reality that we call "the new us, the improved us". The us that knows, beyond a doubt that we love each other more then anything in this world. That we were, when it really counted, able to step up and pull from the ashes the tools, skills and determination needed to succeed beyond anything else.

I share so many of your feelings tonight and I smile at knowing you and I will do just fine......I know it for sure....this all feels so right.

Thank you for making me remember that 25 years ago I married my best friend and the love of my life.

T

[This message edited by TxsT at 3:55 AM, September 10th (Tuesday)]


Me: BS 50
Hubby: WH 53
Together: 32 years
Married: 25 years 09/10/2013
2 boys: 23&21
Dday: 09/11/2012
A length: 4+ years (yes years)
status: Ongoing Reconciliation :o)

Through thick and thin we will survive but he gets only one shot at it!


Posts: 605 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: CDN
catlover50
♀ Member
Member # 37154
Default  Posted: 4:43 AM, September 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What a great post. Really thoughtful.

Glad you have gotten to this point and your W has made such progress.



Dday -9/24/2012
Reconciling

Posts: 1750 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: northeast
AFrayedKnot
♂ Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 6:03 AM, September 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((VD2012)))
I love when you post. We have some much in common in R. You say everything that I am feeling but can't put so eloquently in words. And I mean every word of what you wrote.

I feel it. The love, the pain. The determination, the confusion. The hope, the fear. The gratitude, the sadness.

Yesterday was the anniversary of our first date ever and there was no more than a passing thought. Because my thoughts are on Thursday which will be one year since she broke and gave me the whole truth. That was the day that our real relationship started so many years later.

I see a future where we can one day leave this shit behind and fully enjoy the present.

Thank you so much for your post.


BS 40
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2629 | Registered: Aug 2012
overandone
Member
Member # 39162
Default  Posted: 6:22 AM, September 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your post rang many bells with me.
I'd got very used to the idea of always having to rely on myself as WH worked away a lot,and frankly wasn't often available for support when he was home, often told him I felt like a single parent to our 4 kids-he hated me saying that,but that's honestly how it felt. It's a strange but very wonderful feeling to know that I now live with someone who has woken up from his self-absorbed way of life,and who I can turn to for help and support anytime. Can't beleive we got ourselves into such a rut for so many years, and I love the person he has become, and love the person I have become. Shame it took a crisis in our lives for us both to wake up and move forwards!


Me - BW (54)
Him - fWS (61)
kiddies - daughters 22 and 27,son 22,
d-day - April 18 2012
R - but lots of bumps in the long road

Posts: 229 | Registered: May 2013 | From: uk
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 6:27 AM, September 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Very well written VD2012.

Gone is the phoney front of our marriage, the part that I used to cling to and hope was strong enough to keep us both moving forward. Gone is the easy, the fast, the in the moment type of feelings that required so little thought. In its place has blossomed this incredible, wonderful new reality that we call "the new us, the improved us". The us that knows, beyond a doubt that we love each other more then anything in this world. That we were, when it really counted, able to step up and pull from the ashes the tools, skills and determination needed to succeed beyond anything else
.

Nice addition TxsT

God be with us all.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3981 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
VD2012
♂ Member
Member # 36317
Default  Posted: 7:22 PM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the replies. I'm glad people liked my post.

We had a good day out at the fair. One of our favourite singers was performing a concert last night which we saw. Earlier in the day we actually stumbled across her being interviewed a local news team. When I pointed her out my wife got all giddy like a little kid. It was quite adorable.

All I could do was smile. She hasn't been like that in so long, if ever really. She's finally starting to enjoy life in a way I don't think she ever has before. I'm happy for her.

She's not the girl I fell in love with. Nor is she the woman who betrayed me. She's someone very different yet familiar in the right ways.


Me: 28 ~ Her (FR2012): 27
Together: 9 years, 2 children
D-Day: April 19, 2012

Surrender to the truth of life.


Posts: 466 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Traversing Dark Places With The Light of Truth
scream
♂ Member
Member # 36506
Default  Posted: 7:35 PM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Great post to read. Thank you for this. I hope one day my wife feels the same love for me. Thank you for that hope.

Posts: 290 | Registered: Aug 2012
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 8:48 PM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She's not the girl I fell in love with. Nor is she the woman who betrayed me. She's someone very different yet familiar in the right ways.

Lovely VD2012


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2445 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
Arnold01
♀ Member
Member # 39751
Default  Posted: 9:41 PM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with LA44. "She's someone very different yet familiar in all the right ways" is a beautiful sentiment that will stay with me and give me hope. Thanks.


D-Day: June 2013 discovered two-month EA/PA
NC established: August 2013
Reconciling

Posts: 121 | Registered: Jul 2013
Dare2Trust
♀ Member
Member # 21183
Default  Posted: 9:42 PM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm truly happy for you and your wife; and the positive progress your marriage continues to take.


Me BS 59
WH 58
Married 19 years
D-Day Nov 3, 2005
Child: Adopted Daughter 21 College Student now

I can understand being alone; but I hate being with someone and feeling lonely.


Posts: 6133 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 9:58 PM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your W chose well and is very lucky.

Your admirer,

sisoon


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10357 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 10:27 PM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm glad people liked my post.

Add me to the ranks, VD2012.


Me (BS)-45, WW-43
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
M - 18 years, 4 children
Reconciling

Posts: 1451 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
Tinker01
♀ New Member
Member # 40312
Default  Posted: 10:28 PM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you so much for sharing... These words have helped me more then you know.


Me 40
Him 5
Dday June 20/23 2013

Posts: 14 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Tinker01
UKlady
♀ Member
Member # 39058
Default  Posted: 5:47 AM, September 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((VD2012))

She's not the girl I fell in love with. Nor is she the woman who betrayed me. She's someone very different yet familiar in the right ways
.

Wow!

And a totally inspiring post - rings soooo many bells for me and my situation too.

Thank you for posting this.


Me: BW 45
Him: WH 48
Married: 6 years, together 9 years
D-day: 3 January 2013 - he confessed.
A: June-Dec 2012
No children.

Posts: 153 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: UK
2married2quit
♂ Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 8:30 AM, September 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for posting this. I don't know which is worse, being betrayed or being the (remorsed) betrayer? I know my wife feels like shit and yes, I'm a reminder of her carelessness and recklessness. So is the kids, the home...eveything. Just this morning we were talking of how we wish we could delete the past.

She's funny, intelligent, compassionate, beautiful, talented and she loves me. She's only ever loved me. The problem was she didn't know how to before, it was unhealthy how she loved me. She was never shown how to love properly, it wasn't modeled for her.

This is my wife. Although she has questioned her love for me and has not said it in over a year. I think she wants to feel it in her bones and she probably doesn't, yet her actions lately have been saying otherwise.


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1397 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
beebee
♀ New Member
Member # 40632
Default  Posted: 9:12 AM, September 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Coincidence - the sleep watching. My husband told me just yesterday that he loves to see me smile when I sleep. I said, "I smile when I sleep?!?" He said, "Yes, when I pull the covers up on you, or kiss you, you smile, even if you're asleep."

Sorry to hear your wife's sleep isn't as peaceful.

I'm still in a lot of emotional pain, but fortunately I don't seem to be working through it very often in my sleep (but my GI system, well, that's another story...).

You are a gifted writer. I felt like I was reading a sad short story, something that had been published somewhere. That's why the f-bombs were especially jarring: magazines I read won't print those (and frankly, there's clearly a generation gap here, because most women my age find the use of that word offensive, though I know a lot of 20-somethings use it all the time now).

I hope I won't tend to avoid reading your posts in the future just because the f-bombs detract from the poetry of your otherwise beautiful writing. You've come a long way, but as I'm sure you've probably read, our stories play out not in months but in years, and I'm sure you will tell your story in a fascinating way.


me: bs
him: ws
affair was short but the hurt goes on
reconciliation: mc is helping

Posts: 9 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: USA
Topic Posts: 22
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