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New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Dating
Saleschick
♀ Member
Member # 39772
Default  Posted: 11:35 PM, September 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How long before you dated after your ex moved out?

I am spending time with someone in the same boat as me and he has 3 kids to take care of since the wife left them and moved half away across the country.

We both just like getting out of the house and he says I am easy to talk to. Although I have teared up every time we have met when we get talking about my ex. He has been great about it and is farther long in the separation process than me.


Posts: 72 | Registered: Jul 2013
persevere
♀ Member
Member # 31468
Default  Posted: 12:37 AM, September 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think many of us, including me, would say that in hindsight, we dated too soon.

The conventional SI wisdom, that has proved rather reliable time and again, is that you are better off focusing your energy on working on yourself right now.

People who date too early often end up focusing on the "new" and avoid fully dealing with the pain and healing needed due to the ending of your marriage. And, from my experience, the only way to get through the hard stuff is to go through it and not avoid the emotions. Basically, you have to go through it to get through it. There is no shortcut.

Some would disagree about the dating, but whatever you decide, tread carefully, and remember that your largest priority right now should be you and your children's best interest.

((Hugs))


Me: BW-44
Him: XWH-44
Together 9 yrs
DDays: 1/10/2011
Status: Divorced 4/27/11

Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron

It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling


Posts: 4456 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
Sad in AZ
♀ Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 12:46 AM, September 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To oversimplify it, I think if you're dating because you're lonely (or worse yet, misery loves company), you're dating for the wrong reason. If you're dating because you enjoy the company of others, it's probably not a bad idea.

Examining the reasons for your wanting to date is very hard, because we tend to overlook our worst traits


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20002 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 9:46 AM, September 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To oversimplify it, I think if you're dating because you're lonely (or worse yet, misery loves company), you're dating for the wrong reason. If you're dating because you enjoy the company of others, it's probably not a bad idea
^^^This and i don't think it's an oversimplification at all. You know yourself Saleschick. Dating or enjoying time with friends doesn't have to mean relationship. At least it doesn't for me. I just enjoy spending time with people that actually want to spend time with me. Everyone knows up front I am not looking for a relationship right now (emotional or sexual) and just enjoy peoples company.


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
D hopefully official any day now, off to check the mail again.

Posts: 1894 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
SoHappyNow
♀ Member
Member # 8923
Default  Posted: 12:56 PM, September 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It might work out......or it might not. Since none of us here at SI can get inside your head or the head of your guy.

Conventional wisdom is almost always right. In my own case, conventional wisdom said my relationship with my SO was doomed from the get go - yet here we are, thriving and loving and cohabiting very sucessfully, will probably end up happily married.....


In the depths of winter I finally learned there was in me an invincible summer..Albert Camus
**Beloved hubby died at home 1/28/2013, age 61..** God sent me two good men in a row......and saved the best for last. Remarried 2/14/14, grief and joy....

Posts: 2287 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: USA
Artemisia
♀ Member
Member # 40564
Default  Posted: 1:05 PM, September 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Apologies in advance because I am a crab right now, and I know this is slightly off topic. For myself, I agree that waiting to meet someone until I have gotten through the worst of it is essential. But why, why, do those WS get to jump right from the old relationship to the new? Why are we working, processing, getting through it, while they are already sailing off into the sunset of their new relationships? Why, why, why... I could probably ask that a million times about a million topics on here.

Posts: 112 | Registered: Sep 2013
lieshurt
♀ Member
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 1:11 PM, September 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But why, why, do those WS get to jump right from the old relationship to the new?

Because they don't care. They are dysfunctional people who find other dysfunctional people and once that ends, they'll repeat the same pattern.

For a lot of BS's it's the same issue. Many are so afraid of being alone, that they just jump into the next available "relationship" without dealing with their own issues. Once it fails, they typically step back and realize there is work to be done and they change their focus to that.

Saleschick, don't rush into dating. That's the last thing you want to do especially with children involved.


I'm sorry if you don't like my Honesty, but to be fair I don't like your lies.

Sometimes it's better to push someone away...not because you stopped loving them but because you can't take the pain anymore.


Posts: 13719 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
InnerLight
♀ Member
Member # 19946
Default  Posted: 10:24 AM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Make sure you develop other relationships with friends/family and not lean on this guy to support you emotionally.

Recovering from the devastation takes a village! Seriously! REally broaden your support. Relying on a guy, however nice he is, may or may not work out. Don't put yourself in a vulnerable position where the guy thing doesn't work and you haven't built up a broad support network and you get re-devestated.

Keep developing your own friends and interests.


BS, age 53, d-day 6-2-08, divorced after 17 years and 20 together. dating again, living in the sticks with a cat. It's taking a long time to create new dreams and a new life but it is slowly coming together.

Posts: 5796 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Rural California
ladies_first
♀ Member
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 11:13 AM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Although I have teared up every time we have met when we get talking about my ex.

Gently, I would be turned off if my new date teared up whenever speaking of Ex, so I would respectfully decline future dates.

I'm afraid dating "rejections" would hinder your healing process; tears are a sign that more healing and grieving needs to be processed.


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
Saleschick
♀ Member
Member # 39772
Default  Posted: 10:20 PM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for all the great feedback. I appreciate it. I am surprised too he wants to continue seeing me again. I think I am fortunate in that he went thru this process before me and understands the emotions I still feel. He has 3 kids he is raising fully on his own, so I think he just likes getting together for a bite to eat to talk once a week or so. He says I am easy to talk to and I would agree we do not lack for conversation.

Posts: 72 | Registered: Jul 2013
Topic Posts: 10

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