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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Is this cheating?
inconceivable
♀ New Member
Member # 40611
Default  Posted: 12:10 PM, September 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

About a week ago my husband confessed to kissing another woman. He likes to go out on our boat with all his guy friends and party in the summer. I am home with the kids. I have always trusted him and wanted him to go out with his friends so he wouldn't feel trapped/stuck at home all the time. He also trusts me to go out with my friends occasionally. My husband told me that 4 days prior he was drunk one night. He was sitting talking to a single girl having a meaningful conversation on our boat. All of a sudden (in his words) the girl charged him and kissed him (full on tongue kiss). He said he pushed her away and said this cannot happen. I'm married, etc. Then he got in his boat and came home. He also told me that he had seen the girl out on people's boats one time before the incident but had no way of contacting her other than seeing her out on the water. He doesn't have her email, phone or other accounts. My Husband said he had no intention to cheat, does not like this girl, loves me, etc. He said he is a victim and had nothing to do with it, did nothing to provoke this girl. Of course, I'm not an idiot. I know it takes two to tango. He was drunk and put himself in this situation.

Upon telling me, I burst out crying and was very upset. Later that night I found a photo of the girl in his email. She is at least 10 years younger than my husband. The photo was of this girl laying on top of our boat in a sexy pose, in her bikini. Now I have a visual of the girl in question. My husband said someone else took the photo. My husband also stated, "I'm not going to lie, she was hot." So, I can tell he was attracted to this person.

I have been so upset since my husband told me this. Even though it was only a kiss, not sex and not a full blown affair, I still feel cheated on, betrayed, horrified. I can't stop thinking about it. I'm mad at my husband. I'm sad. When I talk to my husband he says my reaction does not fit the event. My husband feels completely better but I feel terrible. It has been one week and my husband thinks the topic should be dropped by now. I feel like he is resenting me now for having all of these emotions. The way I feel is like that kiss could have just been sex because my pain is the same.

Can anyone relate to a kissing infidelity or offer any words of advice? Thanks!


Posts: 2 | Registered: Sep 2013
1Faith
♀ Member
Member # 38975
Frustrated  Posted: 12:31 PM, September 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My definition of cheating is
"if you wouldn't do it with your spouse standing right next to you...it's cheating"

Confused on the email comments. You state he doesn't have her email address but then you found a photo of her in his email? Where did that come from?

You husband's behavior broke your trust regardless of what happened. He needs to repair that.

Gently...how do you know nothing else has occurred with this girl or with other girls on his boys boating trips?

Simply confessing to you to make himself feel better does not negate the fact that he is a married man acting single. Time to grow up. His saying "she's hot" is disrespectful and demeaning. How did that help exactly?

Feelings aren't right or wrong, they just are. So if you are still hurt, you're hurt and rightfully so. You husband needs to acknowledge he is the cause of this hurt and look at ways to help you heal.

How about taking you and the kids out on the boat?

so he wouldn't feel trapped/stuck at home all the time

He should be honored to be a husband and father and not feel trapped.

I would say it might help to seek MC so you both can explore where your marriage is and what you both need to do to make it stronger going forward.

Sorry you are hurting. Good luck.

[This message edited by 1Faith at 12:32 PM, September 9th (Monday)]


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1222 | Registered: Apr 2013
StillGoing
♂ Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 12:38 PM, September 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If it were the whole truth I would say no, but the fact that he has a pic of her in his email and is telling you to drop it means he probably isn't telling the whole truth.


"You have insulted my footwear."

Posts: 7495 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
Tearsoflove
♀ Member
Member # 8271
Default  Posted: 12:48 PM, September 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If there is a photo of her, by herself, in a bikini on your boat, I'd be wondering if he really has been going out with his friends or meeting up with her. My experience on SI is that it is very rare that "it was just a kiss" is ever true.

The only thing going for him is that he told you about it himself. I think you should act like you accept his story and do a little quiet sleuthing. It's possible that he told you because someone is about to tell you more. If he really told you out of guilt and there is nothing going on with this woman, you will find nothing and no one else will tell you anything about it. If you start hearing things, I'd bet he told you so he could spin it.

And remember this, he who has nothing to hide, hides nothing. If he starts being secretive or getting overly defensive, this is not as innocent as he is saying it is.


"Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand." ~Homer Simpson


Posts: 4161 | Registered: Sep 2005
ReunitePangea
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Member # 37529
Default  Posted: 12:49 PM, September 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry you are here inconceivable.

Is this cheating? I am sure you will get some different opinions on this but I will offer you mine. Cheating is doing some dishonest or unfair. If the events unfolded exactly the way that your husband described, no it is not cheating. He told you about it all and did not hide anything. It is a case of a husband with some bad boundaries that put him in a spot he should not have been in however.

With that said, the big question is if we are to believe the story happened just as he said. If it did, then you should talk with him on his boundaries. Sitting on a boat drunk, talking to a attractive female dressed in a bikini, having a meaningful conversation is a place that he should not put himself in in the first place. That is bad boundaries - bad boundaries are often where cheating gets started.

Now if your husband is not being fully accurate in his story you may have more of an issue and it could be cheating. Careful there is the possibility he is testing your response to this type of situation. Maybe there is more going on and he wanted to know how you would react to an "innocent" story. The fact that he had a picture of her on his email is a red flag. Watch his actions, check up on him, there may be more to this story than you have been presented. Then again he could be telling the truth.


BS - Me 38
WS - Wife 39
D-Day - Oct 12
Married 10 years
OM1 - 12-year LTA
OM2 - 9 month A turned into open relationship with couple for another 1 1/2 years

Posts: 489 | Registered: Nov 2012
Camalus
♂ Member
Member # 40199
Default  Posted: 12:54 PM, September 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lines were crossed that should not have been.

How would your husband feel if you went out to an intimate dinner with a male friend he had never met and only informed him after the fact? How would your husband feel if your male friend kissed you? How would your husband feel if the male friend sent you a picture of him buffing up at the gym?

Was it cheating? IDK.

But lines were definitely crossed.


Me–BS age 61
Her -- WS age 59
Married for 34 years
One child, 30yrs

Her 'A' 1994(?) through 1998
D-Day 7/4/2013 Yes, I didn't find out for almost 15 years... but the pain is just as bad as if she were with him last week.


Posts: 123 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Near Houston Texas
inconceivable
♀ New Member
Member # 40611
Helpless  Posted: 12:55 PM, September 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you very much for your comments and suggestions. It really does help to talk about it and I don't feel ready to tell friends/family how I am feeling yet. They would hate my husband forever. I do think MC is a good idea.

We do go out on our boat as a family all the time and it is the greatest time. My kids really enjoy it and I love the family time. My husband would go out with his friends once on the weekend, like instead of going to a bar, they would all meet out on their boats. Now the thought of him ever doing that again totally disgusts me and the thought of bringing my kids on the same boat where the girl was laying on the top just makes me cry.


Posts: 2 | Registered: Sep 2013
Lucky
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Member # 6864
Default  Posted: 2:49 PM, September 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

#1.He also told me that he had seen the girl out on people's boats one time before the incident but had no way of contacting her
other than seeing her out on the water.

#2. He doesn't have her email, phone or other accounts. My Husband said he had no intention to cheat, does not like this girl, loves me, etc.

#3. He said he is a victim and had nothing to do with it, did nothing to provoke this girl. Of course, I'm not an idiot. I know it takes two to tango. He was drunk and put himself in this situation.
Upon telling me, I burst out crying and was very upset.

#4.
Later that night I found a photo of the girl in his email


.
Sweetie... he's lying to you and deep down you know it. Look carefully at the things I numbered for you.

He also told me that he had seen the girl out on people's boats one time before the incident but had no way of contacting her

LIE. LIE. LIE. She just 'happened' to be able to pose on YOUR boat and he's clueless... NO.

.
He doesn't have her email, phone or other accounts.

And yet you found evidence right off the bat discounting this.


.
He said he is a victim and had nothing to do with it

Victim my ASS. Whatever the deep conversation he was involved in that resulted in her charging him to kiss him clearly crossed MANY lines. Many lines.

.
Later that night I found a photo of the girl in his email

And. He's. Lied.

.
There is so much more to his story and he thinks by telling you the minimal amount of the story it's going to disappear. Did it occur to you that maybe he confessed because someone close to you, or your family, saw this? They might have said "tell inconceivable or I will" and so he did?

He needs to knock off the boys playing single guys on the boats - let alone the boating drunk. He IS a husband and father and it's time he acted like it, and you enforce this.

There is a book called NOT "Just Friends" http://www.amazon.com/dp/0743225503/?tag=mh0b-20&hvadid=2276643210&ref=pd_sl_22u6i7oy1q_e

I strongly urge you to buy it or download it and BOTH of you read it.

If it wasn't a true affair it was heading that way. And he needs to understand the boundaries that were crossed and how to shut that down.

Yes, a "kiss" is cheating.

[This message edited by Lucky at 4:05 PM, September 9th (Monday)]


♥ WINE - the other fruit juice! ♥


Posts: 36162 | Registered: Apr 2005
rescuedog
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Member # 39171
Default  Posted: 3:05 PM, September 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You should search the boat without his knowledge.

Could be he was tempted and bringing you in and "hitting the breaks" was easier that him trying to stop himself.

Maybe he was looking for you interference and not prepared for your devastation.

He also knew the pic was out there and if you saw it you would want an answer.

Something is shady. They always minimize. Either way he knew he was putting himself on your radar.

On a side note..... The bikini pic would have me putting the damn thing on eBay.


The more I learn about people, the more I like my dog. - Mark Twain

Posts: 31 | Registered: May 2013
Mel36
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Member # 40615
Default  Posted: 3:09 PM, September 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you have to ask if it is cheating.....then it is. You are obviously hurt by his actions and not wanting to take your kids on that boat indicates you feel he violated more than just marriage vows.....he has a responsibility to your kids. I can relate to you and I am sorry you are feeling so hurt and betrayed. However, It doesn't mean your marriage is over
but it does mean it is in trouble. It is a sign to take a good look at the marriage. Be careful with the MC idea. The wrong one can be a deal breaker. I know there are good ones out there. What I found worked is for you to go to one alone.....get the vibe regarding whether you think they are the right fit for both of you. If not the right fit just ttem and try another. It took us four to get it right. Good luck! Hang in there and fight for your marriage but insist he fight for it too.

[This message edited by Mel36 at 3:12 PM, September 9th (Monday)]


Posts: 7 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Canada
kickboxer
♀ Member
Member # 39858
Default  Posted: 3:16 PM, September 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There's no reason for him to be having a "meaningful conversation" alone with a hot stranger (or any other woman, for that matter) on YOUR boat.

The kiss aside, that alone is blatantly overstepping marital boundaries, IMHO.


BW - 42 (Me)
WH - 39 (2 ONS, 6m EA)
Married 13 years, 3 children
DD: 7/13/13
Status: Rugsweeping, I guess.

Posts: 248 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Somewhere Out There
pewpewpew
♀ Member
Member # 38116
Default  Posted: 3:55 PM, September 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You said there was a photo of her in an email...

Could you elaborate on that?

Was it sent to him from someone?


ME: 30
WH: 35

Fool me once - Shame on you. Fool me twice - pack your shit and get out.


Posts: 310 | Registered: Jan 2013
StruckNumb
♀ Member
Member # 38973
Default  Posted: 4:36 PM, September 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm very sorry this is happening to you. I'm womdering why, if this is a guy's boating day, that there is a "hot" woman there? She couldn't have been a girlfriend of one of your husband's friends or else she wouldn't have made a pass at your husband. Something is not right about this. And the fact she even has his email address to send a photo says there was an agreement made to have further contact with
each other.


me-BW-51
f?WH - 49
m27 yrs, T 28, no kids
OW-WH's former CW, friends + 20yr
DDay-11/16/12, LT EA, 4y? PA, manymany
EA with FFriends over the years
Attempting R
Is there an end to blindness in sight?

Posts: 77 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: N.California
Safeguard
♀ Member
Member # 38899
Default  Posted: 4:59 PM, September 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry for your pain. You sound so heartbroken...

I can understand why you want to believe your husband's story, but I don't buy a word of it.

A bunch of guys out drinking with "HOT" girls, are NOT interested in "meaningful conversation. That's crock-of-shit number one...

Then we have the, "Never talked to her before in my life, just saw her ONCE on somebody else's boat".

I'll bet my right arm, your WH. couldn't wait to get out on the boat that night,because he knew she was gonna be there...

(Think back.. has he been behaving like a love-struck teenager before, or after these hook-ups with "the guy's"?

Because he's certainly behaving like one now. ("I'm not gonna lie, she was HOT!"). That remark was just cruel. And yes, juvenile.

I doubt, very much these "friends" he was out with are "Friends of the Marriage...

Are any of the guys he hangs with unfaithful to their wives/girlfriends?

He has this picture in his email, of OW on your boat, most likely sent from a cell phone... Who took it?

Why did they send it to him? That was like a slap in your face. Someone knows whats going down, But that someone is not you...

Did he mention these "Hot" babes before he went out with "guys"? (I use the plural, because, this girl, who attacked his innocent self, surly has friends too).

His story has holes, the size of craters, and is see-through like a zima!

I would be going into detective mode. The bone he threw you is likely just the Tip-Of-The-Iceburg.

Oh, and I doubt he told you so you could "Save Him From Himself"... I think he knew chances were good, you would hear about this chick, and he was setting himself up with a "poor me" story.



[This message edited by Safeguard at 5:09 PM, September 9th (Monday)]


"since your actions don't match your words, excuse me while I stop believing you."

Posts: 143 | Registered: Apr 2013
Broken1Again
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Member # 32211
Default  Posted: 5:43 PM, September 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think what we all want to know is where did this photo come from? Who emailed him the photo? And how did this woman get on his boat in the first place?

I think he told you because he has been talking to this girl for awhile and they did kiss, and his guilt made him tell you but I promise you left unattended this will lead to more.


BS: 40
WS: 42
Two boys 13/11
Married 15 years
Dday: too Many to remember. 3 significant OW and many "less"'significant OW. Believe WS has bad boundaries and craves the attention.
In R.

Posts: 883 | Registered: May 2011
unarmbears
♀ Member
Member # 7480
Default  Posted: 5:51 PM, September 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Have you considered putting a VAR (voice activated recorder) on the boat before he goes out boating "with the boys" again?

If it was me, it would already be there. Sometimes you have to give enough rope to let him hang himself.

I am thinking there is a whole lot more to his short story. A whole lot more. I am in the camp that someone saw them that he fears will say something so he is trying to do damage control.

And this "meaningful conversation" and "kiss" are certainly not being faithful to you!

You get to set the yardstick of whether something is cheating or not. Not your husband. He is trying to blow it off, but he has
1) admitted to a deep conversation and kiss
2) has a photo of her in a bikini on your boat
3) lied about whether she can contact him or not.

Dig deeper, sleuth around, I am sure this is just the tip of the iceberg.


FBS-Me, 61
FWH-Him, 55
2 Sons 26 and 31
2 Daughters 29, 25 And 4 darling grandchildren!
"Love is an impulsive act, it's free. It's the story we tell about it afterward that's our poverty." Byron Katie

Posts: 4891 | Registered: Jun 2005 | From: From where the trees lean east...
solus sto
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Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 7:01 PM, September 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((inconceivable))) My hinky meter is pinging. The email is what sets it off, I think. He "doesn't have her email," and yet has an emailed photo of her. That doesn't add up, which makes me wonder what else does not add up.

Another thing that sets the meter pinging is the "having a meaningful conversation" with another woman.

In my opinion, "meaningful conversations" are ...well, a really slippery slope. It implies emotional intimacy that does NOT belong in a relationship with ANY woman other than one's spouse or significant other.

I don't believe a woman could "charge" a man for a kiss without him having the opportunity to elude it. I mean, all a guy has to do is move his head to the side and say, "No, this can't happen. I'm married."

He didn't dodge it.

He DID tell you, and that's good.

But the kiss? Yes, it's cheating. It took two. With the provocative photo in his email, and "meaningful conversation," well, I'd go into investigative mode, to see what else might arise.

Sadly, I don't think you have the whole story. I hope I'm wrong--I hope that he is telling you the whole truth--but his reaction is inappropriate to the situation. It seems, to me, as though he might have told you because he's afraid someone else would reach you first.


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 53, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8888 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
Ashland13
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Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 7:23 PM, September 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gently, and I'm sorry, but he told you, "she's hot" or something to that affect? That's very disrespectful to you and your children...and even your boat.

And I know that it's a boat, but hanging around at least one married man, possibly more than one at a time, in a bikini and kissing him? And H is the victim, while, "she's hot"?

This sounds like a woman without boundaries and a woman who doesn't think in a family way and this worries me for you, inconceivable.

And this type of woman around a man who is drinking just is not good mogumbo, in my opinion. I don't know how it can go anywhere positive because of the boundaries being toyed with.

Maybe it's my lack of trust in general lately, but I smell a great big fishy story and I'm sorry because I didn't want to believe it about my ex-husband, either.

I'm glad that you're questioning your H and am very sorry that he's treating your family's boat and/or property that way.


Ashland 13

You gave me nothing and now it's all I've got - Bono

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington


Posts: 2306 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
Scubachick
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Member # 39906
Default  Posted: 8:14 PM, September 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That's cheating to me. Even having another woman (especially one I don't know and if there is alcohol involved) on his boat is cheating in my opinion.

Posts: 726 | Registered: Jul 2013
anewday78
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Member # 39357
Default  Posted: 9:00 PM, September 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Pull the photo into Google images if you can. It might lead to a Facebook profile where you'll get a name and there may be more photos - some possibly shedding more light on the story from that night. That would be a great place to start. The voice activated recorder on the boat is also a very good idea. I'd actually get a few and hide them in a few different places on the boat. He's not telling you the whole story. Either he feels guilty because something more happened or he feared somebody else was about to tell you something more and he's laying the groundwork to discredit that person when he or she comes forward. Don't sweep this under the carpet and DON'T LET HIM KNOW YOU'RE ONTO HIM.

Posts: 350 | Registered: May 2013
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