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User Topic: Cake eating or just selfish?
Iamacrab
Member
Member # 40410
Default  Posted: 8:56 PM, September 8th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just a vent...

Last week I was really down, not understanding why he won't fight for us.

This week, I'm annoyed.
He's texting, randomly, even though I'm not...like "good morning" and "are you watching (fav football team)" and "how do you think they will do this year" along with "you must be busy today" etc.

Why? Is this cake eating and he is back with (or has another) OW, or is he just selfishly as used to talking to me as I am him, and while "we're not great together, he wants things to work out w us but he cannot be what I need" he still wants/needs that connection?

Finally I broke and said that I was not/will not be just his friend and it was abusive to keep doing this to me after me giving him chances and it still is ending up this way. He said "Ok, I understand, I'm sorry" and nothing else.

Its driving me crazy. Of course I want it to be bc he wants to be with me, and he knows that so it makes it worse.

I still think D is going to be awful, whenever we finally get there, even though there is all this junk going on. Giving up hope is the hardest.

Writing this post didn't even help. I'm still super annoyed. Guess it's better than sad. Grrr.


Posts: 103 | Registered: Aug 2013
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 10:28 PM, September 8th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Chit-chatty, small talk type communication always annoyed me too.

Giving up hope is incredibly hard and it is made all that much harder when the WS is acting the way that yours is.

FWIW, being annoyed will serve you much better right now than being sad. The fact that this type of behavior from him is annoying to you instead of making you *sad* is actually a good sign....


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 7939 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
Eyeofthetiger
♀ Member
Member # 40359
Default  Posted: 8:07 AM, September 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can totally relate to your first sentence. That is how I feel. I miss my husband and I want him to fight for our M.

Maybe the texts and calls will keep coming? Maybe it's the start of him fighting. I like to have hope.

But he could just miss the way things were and wants to cake eat. Good that he stopped though after you said something.


S

Posts: 129 | Registered: Aug 2013
nomistakeaboutit
♂ Member
Member # 36857
Default  Posted: 9:39 AM, September 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He's not helping you interpret his contact. That's annoying. It may be that he is feeling guilty and is trying to be nice, even though he doesn't want to be together. He may betraying to just be friends, as you suggested in your reply to him. He may have temporarily been lonely.

It sounds to me like he was trying to asuage guilt. He knows he hurt you. If you were tomrepkymto his text banter in like manner, he could lie to himself that you are basically fine.


Me: BH 56.........Her: WW 43
DD: 6..........DS: 4
Married for six years.
DDay: 12-25-11 Divorced: 7-15-12
...................................
"It's like a nightmare within a nightmare, which in and of itself is a nightmare!"

Posts: 941 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: U.S.A.
Iamacrab
Member
Member # 40410
Default  Posted: 11:33 AM, September 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Exactly what I think, trying to assuage guilt.

By the end of the year we'll be at his (firmly stated, self imposed) timeframe that is acceptable to decide to D, so even though I filed nearly 2 years ago, he won't respond until then, I'm fairly certain of it.

I asked him for an update last wk when discussing home repairs for the tenants (we need to let them know who their contact will be moving forward) and he said "I haven't thought about it, I still wish this could work"
Ummm no, you don't, not really enough to put it into practice, because if you did you'd not think that after a yr of TT, an additional several months of me reminding you of the effort you should make, I should be at a different place, and we've made no progress since May.
Why doesn't he understand that is basically not giving me any time?

But it's not me after all, it's him. I'm great, we're just not great as people together. Of course why we're not great is bc I'm not changing enough and he is happy w his own changes and feels he's safe for me (he's said this as an explination)
How can he say such common things wo being back in an A? Would he say such asinine things if he wasn't? I'm thinking guilt but then when I read the story I think A. Hmmm, I don't know.

But by all means, lets wait to D and randomly text me, even though nothing is changing enough for him.

Ugh. So frustrating.

Thanks for reading, all. Hope you're all having an okay Monday.


Posts: 103 | Registered: Aug 2013
Iamacrab
Member
Member # 40410
Default  Posted: 1:45 PM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Today he texts me and says he misses me and worries about how I'm feeling, but I don't want to talk to him so he didn't text.
So I ask him to explain why he's not doing anything, why suddenly this isn't the life he wants (again), and he says "I would work at it if I thought it was going to work, I just don't think it works between us".

- what is "it"?

Why is he talking to me then?
So I asked why we got married then if it doesn't work and he said "I don't have a good answer, I thought it would work I guess"

What.the.hell?!


Posts: 103 | Registered: Aug 2013
ladies_first
♀ Member
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 2:01 PM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Today he texts me and says he misses me and worries about how I'm feeling, but I don't want to talk to him so he didn't text.
So I ask him to explain why he's not doing anything, why suddenly this isn't the life he wants (again), and he says "I would work at it if I thought it was going to work, I just don't think it works between us".

- what is "it"?

Why is he talking to me then?
So I asked why we got married then if it doesn't work and he said "I don't have a good answer, I thought it would work I guess"


You're looking for .... Answers? Him to take Responsibility? Closure?

He's looking for a text buddy and ego kibbles.


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
Iamacrab
Member
Member # 40410
Default  Posted: 2:24 PM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I want him to take responsibility, not say it's us together not working, yes.

I just feel so cheated, again. Like I went through the first part of the affair, him going back and forth etc. then he's back, everything is magical for months, I'm starting to trust, and bam, again.

I want honesty, to understand what he really wants in life. What is "it" for him that I'm not and why did he beg to come back earlier and say it would work when then I had doubts? (He hasn't answered, he has texted twice "what do you mean?)

I want prolonged consistency from him, one way or another.

I want him to file for D himself or answer my filing if that's what he wants, so I have some firm action from him.

I want to know wtf happened in his mind to leave again after he promised never to go. Clearly that was false, but even if it's effed up, what is his thought process?


Posts: 103 | Registered: Aug 2013
Iamacrab
Member
Member # 40410
Default  Posted: 2:52 PM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So, he texted back and said "it" is how we are with each other. And he knows what "it" is partially bc of his relationship w her in the affair, and he doesn't think he knew before that we didn't have it, so while he loves me, he needs "it" and thinks I deserve "it" with someone else.
I'm not trying to trivialize what he's saying by using quotes, I just don't understand how he could date me for 7 yrs, then now say he didn't know it until (partially) bc of her. When we were dating he said one shouldn't marry fast, bc you need to be sure about it.
Is it typical ws stuff again, or is he serious?

Posts: 103 | Registered: Aug 2013
heathenchristian
♀ Member
Member # 40060
Default  Posted: 5:35 PM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why is he talking to me then?
So I asked why we got married then if it doesn't work and he said "I don't have a good answer, I thought it would work I guess"

What.the.hell?!


OMG!!!!!!!!!!! so with you on this one. I've asked mine several times why he married me and "thought it would be different", "thought it would make you happy"

Mine doesn't seem to fight for the M either. If I say it's over, he's done basically. He will not put forth the effort to make it work.
UGH


If you don't want me at my worst, maybe I won't need you at my best.
DDAY 1 - not sure but it was July, Aug or Sept 2010 (supposed bj from hooker)
DDAY 2 - 7-22-2013 she was the made up hooker

Posts: 99 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: IL
Iamacrab
Member
Member # 40410
Default  Posted: 7:19 PM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So..."it" is this extra feeling, according to him, that never came to him about me. He loves and cares and worries for me, but the extra is missing.
To me, it is basically "I love you but I'm not in love with you"

Sigh.

Some part of life needs to be easier. Just some small bit.


Posts: 103 | Registered: Aug 2013
ladies_first
♀ Member
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 7:25 PM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've never found texting an "enlightening" communication tool. Too damn easy to lie or skirt the truth.

I want him to file for D himself or answer my filing if that's what he wants, so I have some firm action from him.

At the Divorce stage, communication is between lawyers.

Your goal is INDIFFERENCE.

NC= no new hurts

The texting stops when *you* say it stops. WH like his ego kibble.


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
Iamacrab
Member
Member # 40410
Default  Posted: 7:47 PM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He doesn't have an attorney, and won't talk to mine so far.
So, that's why I was saying I'd like a response, either him to file or him to respond. I know inaction is a response in a way, but I want an actual adult response.

Posts: 103 | Registered: Aug 2013
shiloe
♀ Member
Member # 1224
Default  Posted: 7:57 PM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He is trying to get rid of guilt. A lot of WS think, hey look we are still friends, I didn't do such a bad thing, it was best for both of us. Then they can tell people, yeah, it was a mutual decision to D, and then they don't look/feel like the "bad guy". FTG You need to go complete NC with him.


But remember, good love is hard to find . . -Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers
BS - 54
Cheater -54
Married 26 yrs
DD - 21 DD -19 DS-17
A#1 2000 with married ho-worker/neighbor ow#1
A#2 2007-? OW#2 LTA with married ho-worker. Kicked him out, he filed

Posts: 587 | Registered: Mar 2003
nomistakeaboutit
♂ Member
Member # 36857
Default  Posted: 8:18 PM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just try not to torture yourself with desires of how you wish he would end this, or explain himself more fully, or be more adult-like.

As kindly as possible, from my viewpoint, it appears that he's actually told you a lot. Yes, maybe he owes you more, but it's likely to remain an unpaid debt. He doesn't want to feel bad. He doesn't want to make you feel bad. It seems as though he's asking for your blessing for him to move on. I hope you'll give say adios and move past him. You deserve someone who is more in touch with what they want, who they are, what they value, how they feel....

I'm sorry he's frustrating you, but really, I think he's just trying to leave. Yes, he may have said he wanted you back, previously, but he's made it clear now that he really didn't.

Best to you.


Me: BH 56.........Her: WW 43
DD: 6..........DS: 4
Married for six years.
DDay: 12-25-11 Divorced: 7-15-12
...................................
"It's like a nightmare within a nightmare, which in and of itself is a nightmare!"

Posts: 941 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: U.S.A.
Iamacrab
Member
Member # 40410
Default  Posted: 9:18 PM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I really agreed with the last response, at the end, that he was done.
Now he texted "I haven't filed for divorce yet, or signed yours, I assume my chance doesn't expire until I do ... if you still want any chance of this working out you should come see me and not be a stranger"

Manipulation, still? Not like he's saying " I want to be w you" - I feel like he's trying to put this on me. Thoughts?


Posts: 103 | Registered: Aug 2013
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