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Newest Member: Hurtingnnc (44284)

Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: who do i believe?
Ashland13
♀ Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 7:11 PM, September 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry, Stupid Fool. But I'm also glad you are thinking and seeing the proverbial forest through the trees a little more clearly.

It's a horrible thing in life to come to realize that someone or something is not as it seems and to be lied to and manipulated creates massive amounts of pain.

You aren't dealing with small issues here and I'm glad that you're stepping back to take a closer look at the situation with this man.

I know for myself, one of the most devastating parts of my adulthood was being tossed away by him and traded for a different model. I am still processing facts and emotions and have full days ruined over things he does even with pending divorce.

Sometimes I share your sentiments about being alone, too and find myself not calling on many people right now. Many people knew about my ex's "goings on" and chose not to tell me they knew something about my life and that it was going down the tubes. I understand your worries about trust, but don't let it go too long if you can, for I'm also learning that goodness still exists in the world with us.

It may take time to find and certainly time to heal, but with other kinds of love, we can do it...and we can thrive.

I hope that peace will be with you as you make choices and decisions.


Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess


Posts: 2134 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
Holly-Isis
♀ Member
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 8:19 PM, September 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Here's all the truth you need:

Your WBF cheated and called it revenge even with the only evidence being your word against someone else's.

He has a drinking problem you're not sure he'll even address.

He went to some woman's house, practically a stranger, to "get dirt" on you, the woman he was trying to start a family with. He went to HER instead of communicating with you.

He intended to have sex with her and at the least very nearly did. You posted that he can't perform when drunk...apparently he was capable of an erection and the (allegedly) clear thought that he couldn't betray you again.

He is now expecting you to believe what he says over what she said. The exact thing he has refused to do for you.

To recap: he cheats, blames stories he heard about you for his actions. He makes choices to be on the path to again hear more dirt about you so he can again betray you but now expects you to give him the benefit of the doubt.

Do you love him or the idea of him? Because, to me, this is a man looking for a reason to cheat. Looking for reasons to knock you off of whatever pedestal he puts you on so he can justify being an asshat. His attitude and actions are unhealthy and bring big enough issues that even if the rest of your relationship is perfect, the drinking, lies, undermining you, cheating, lack of trust and communication issues are enough to kill whatever relationship you try to build.


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

❣I hope my issues don't discourage ur healing. I've buried a lot & my WH hasn't done his part in R❣


Posts: 10988 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Limbo
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 5:21 PM, September 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you stay with this guy, I predict a lifetime of misery for you.
A.Life.Time.

It seems that you are romanticizing this guy, and are not yet able to see past what you 'want' to see and get to the *reality* of your relationship.

I just re-read your original post.

i recently got back together with my boyf of six years after a two month break up over the summer because he confessed to receiving oral sex after being drunk at a bar once (3 years ago)

So 3 years ago, he got a BJ in a bar while drunk that he just told you about a couple of months ago. He is apparently NOT that 'paragon of virtue' that you believed him to be, right?
His reasoning for that is he was told by a friend of mine, i cheated on him with my ex

i fought and cried for six years trying to prove to him that NEVER happend

When I first read your post a couple days ago, I thought that the friend had given him that information and he *acted out* due to it (according to him, anyway). But when I just re-read it, I noticed your very next statement: You have been defending yourself against this accusation for 6 years. So he was so upset and traumatized over this *supposed* cheating that you did.....that he waited 3 YEARS to have his revenge on you??!!?? And now, 3 years after THAT, he's pulling the "you <supposedly> cheated on me with your X" shit AGAIN?

Typically, a person that accuses you of cheating with NO good reason to do so, and couples that with an attitude that shows that they aren't inclined to believe you no matter WHAT you say <even if you have hard proof that the accusation is untrue>.........is the one that is cheating and/or is a cheater.

Your WBF has issues. SERIOUS emotional issues. Emotional issues that you CANNOT fix. All that YOU can do is to look at who he is, what he stands for, and what he is bringing to the table TODAY....and ask yourself if that is what you want tomorrow, or the next day, or the next week, or the next month, or the next <x amount> of years to look like.
Is *this* what you want? A man that refuses to trust your word? A man that refuses to give you the benefit of the doubt? A man that will believe the word of a basic stranger over yours (his GF of 6 years)? A man that will *manufacture* a wrong that you've <supposedly> done to him and then will act on it by engaging in physical contact with other females? Because THAT is what you have in this guy. Sounds pretty crappy, doesn't it? And I haven't even touched on the *alcohol* issue yet.....

he is iffy with the AA.
his dad was a severe alcoholic

You cannot help someone that will not help himself.
It is admirable to stand beside someone and support him/her as issues are being dealt with......but it is emotional suicide to remain with someone who has an active addiction that is not being addressed and treated.

At this point, you can't *save* him.....the only person that you can save is yourself.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 7705 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
Simple
♀ Member
Member # 18814
Default  Posted: 6:31 PM, September 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We need to realize we can't fix people. We have to accept them exactly the way they are or find someone else. Ask yourself these questions:

1. Is this the type of Dad you want your baby to have?
2. Is this the type of Husband you want to have?
3. Do you like Fixing your Husband or do you want your Husband to spoil you?
4. Do you like drama in your life or do you want peace and quiet?
5. Is this the type of man you want your future daughter to end up marrying?
6. Do you believe in soul mates (see my signature below)?
7. Do you believe in fairy tales?
8. Do you respect yourself?


I hope these questions help give you perspective.

Hugs your way.


Love is a choice.

True love is harder to come by than soul mates. True love requires work.

Ignorance can be cured with knowledge. There is no cure for being an idiot.


Posts: 927 | Registered: Mar 2008
Topic Posts: 24
Pages: 1 · 2

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