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User Topic: wwyd - friend is an OW!
HurtButHoping12
♀ Member
Member # 34918
Default  Posted: 11:32 AM, September 7th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for the reassurance. I've been so upset since I was called spiteful! I'm trying to consider the source - that woman is someone who would be completely happy to be clueless as her husband cheated on her. She said I went over the line and involved myself in someone else's marriage out of spite and because I was "assuming there was cheating". Well, my friend told me to my face that she is a "home wrecker" and has a married boyfriend, so I'm not sure exactly what I assumed.

No, the BW has not responded. I'm hoping that she already knew and this just confirmed her suspicion, and not that my message just blind-sided her.

I'm just sick over this. The OW is a friend that I really care about. I can't believe she is so nonchalantly involving herself in a marriage. I'm so angry with her, and it may seem silly but *I* feel betrayed by her. I've cried about what I've gone through, on her shoulder. She is one of the only people who knows EVERYTHING about what happened. Why did she think it was even okay to tell me about this, did she really think I would congratulate her on her nwere boyfriend?!

It makes me sick just how common and accepted infidelity is in my generation. I'm in my late 20's and honestly I can't tell you one person I know who hasn't been cheated on.


BW (me):30
WH (guiltfilled11): 31
together 11 years, married 5 years
DDay: July 6th 2011
False R: beginning of August
True R until DDay 06/20 - talking to another girl and lying about it
Kids: DD 7, DS 4, DD 3

On the fence... do I stay or do


Posts: 183 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: NY
solus sto
♀ Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 11:39 AM, September 7th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would tell the BW but only if you have proof and could do it anonymously.
I strongly disagree with the advice to do it anonymously. Anonymous information is disposable. Information, gently delivered by a friend of the OW who has information from the OW herself, is a credible source. An "anonymous tipster" is not.

HBH, I'm really sorry you're in this position. Your "friend" is anything but, and the BW deserves to know that this "friend" is helping her husband trash their marriage. In your shoes, I'd gently deliver the information to her, including that you've been friends with this woman for however long, that she told you herself, and any details she might have given (times, places, etc.). The woman needs all the intel she can get---both to get answers from her cheating husband AND to make informed decisions about her life.

ETA I read further, and see you did inform. I know how hard that is---and also am so sorry for the backlash you're already getting. Sometimes we learn the true tenor of our friends in the worst possible ways. You did the right thing. ((((HBH))) (I, too, would have given ANYTHING to have been told the truth--an anonymous tip years ago was easy to blow off, because I had no whiff of affair at the time. But when I was twisting myself in knots wondering what was so wrong with me that my husband was so distant, I would have loved a heads-up.)

[This message edited by solus sto at 11:44 AM, September 7th (Saturday)]


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 52, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8325 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
HurtButHoping12
♀ Member
Member # 34918
Default  Posted: 12:04 PM, September 7th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I thought the same, solus sto... I would have probably rolled my eyes at an anonymous tip on Facebook!

I have 2 wonderful friends who have been talking me off my ledge this afternoon and supporting me. I'm still upset but I'm confident that I did the right thing. I still can't believe this whole mess! It seems like people never learn. Infidelity isn't some novelty, it's real and it hurts and it has real consequences to real people!


BW (me):30
WH (guiltfilled11): 31
together 11 years, married 5 years
DDay: July 6th 2011
False R: beginning of August
True R until DDay 06/20 - talking to another girl and lying about it
Kids: DD 7, DS 4, DD 3

On the fence... do I stay or do


Posts: 183 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: NY
shatteredheart7
♀ Member
Member # 39734
Default  Posted: 12:20 PM, September 7th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good for you!!! My H has 2 friends that knew about his A. Neither one of them told me. I wish they would have!

One "friend" was in our wedding. He also cheats on his wife A LOT! I already knew about that, as does she. Yet, she stays and lets it continue. He laughed when H told him what he was doing.

The other friend, an old HS friend of his,told him he needed to get his shit together and either tell me or leave. She was very disappointed in him, but I guess not enough to let me know what he was doing.

Neither one of them thought to tell ME. He has pretty much stopped talking to both of them unless we run into them. Then it is just a hi, how have you been kind of thing. He understands that they are not "friends of our marriage" and I can never stand to be around them.


Me~40
FWH~46
Married 8yrs
Together 11 1/2
Me~ 3 kids, 21,17,14
Him~no kids
A with a mutual "friend" for 2+yrs
He confessed 9/9/12
A was over 2/12
7/13~ Happier than we have been in yrs!

Posts: 240 | Registered: Jul 2013
Morhurt
♀ Member
Member # 40166
Default  Posted: 12:25 PM, September 7th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so glad you told the BW. Your "friend" must be deep in the fog or a real idiot to think that she could brag to you and you wouldn't tell!!

Years ago a friend (but not one I knew very well) told me she was having an EA with a mutual friend's H and that they were planning on leaving their respective spouses for each other. I was livid. Both families had two young kids. I told her she had a week to come clean with the spouses or I was going to do it. They didn't so I had to.

It was the hardest thing I've ever done. I had to tell this woman (in person, it was before Facebook) that I only barely knew that her husband was making plans to leave her for another woman. She was devestated.

The APs are still together to this day, 11 years later. Ugh. But at least I know I did the right thing.

Sorry for the T/J. Can you tell if she's seen the message yet? Is she active on FB? I sent my H's AP a FB message ages ago and she still hasn't "seen" it according to FB.

Feel proud. You did the right thing.


Me: BS
Him: FWS
M: 15 years
4 lovely daughters
Working to rebuild.

Posts: 883 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Canada
HurtButHoping12
♀ Member
Member # 34918
Default  Posted: 12:34 PM, September 7th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah, it says she saw the message a minute after I sent it. I'm glad she didn't respond, to be honest.


BW (me):30
WH (guiltfilled11): 31
together 11 years, married 5 years
DDay: July 6th 2011
False R: beginning of August
True R until DDay 06/20 - talking to another girl and lying about it
Kids: DD 7, DS 4, DD 3

On the fence... do I stay or do


Posts: 183 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: NY
Mousse242
♀ Member
Member # 6330
Default  Posted: 12:38 PM, September 7th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How did either know it was you who told her or did they just assume? Did you tell anyone you did it? I wouldn't have, it will get back to the OW/exfriend.

If you did not tell anyone that you did it, other than your husband, that means the BW did see it and the proverbial shit hit the fan if they know the BW now knows about it all.

((hugs))


Posts: 5473 | Registered: Jan 2005 | From: Chicago
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 1:50 PM, September 7th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just wanted to say "Well done" to you. It's so much easier to just say to yourself "Oh, I hope someone else says something to [the BS] about this...", especially when you have skin in the game, like you do with the OW being your friend. Good luck.


"The thing that always seems to be shocking to wayward wives is the simple fact that the man you choose to reconcile with is not the same man you cheated on." - a friend.

Posts: 1942 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
HurtButHoping12
♀ Member
Member # 34918
Default  Posted: 2:04 PM, September 7th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I told them. They don't know OW and at this point I don't care if she finds out that I enlightened the BW, because WH and I just went NC with her. I don't want a friend like that, and if she is willing to break up someone else's marriage, maybe she might try mine next. No thanks.


BW (me):30
WH (guiltfilled11): 31
together 11 years, married 5 years
DDay: July 6th 2011
False R: beginning of August
True R until DDay 06/20 - talking to another girl and lying about it
Kids: DD 7, DS 4, DD 3

On the fence... do I stay or do


Posts: 183 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: NY
HurtButHoping12
♀ Member
Member # 34918
Default  Posted: 2:04 PM, September 7th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I told them. They don't know OW and at this point I don't care if she finds out that I enlightened the BW, because WH and I just went NC with her. I don't want a friend like that, and if she is willing to break up someone else's marriage, maybe she might try mine next. No thanks.


BW (me):30
WH (guiltfilled11): 31
together 11 years, married 5 years
DDay: July 6th 2011
False R: beginning of August
True R until DDay 06/20 - talking to another girl and lying about it
Kids: DD 7, DS 4, DD 3

On the fence... do I stay or do


Posts: 183 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: NY
Aussiescot
♀ New Member
Member # 39265
Default  Posted: 3:07 PM, September 7th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Hbh))) that certainly wasn't easy for you sweets but you did the right thing!

Truly wish I had of done the same with my own 'friend' it may have saved our relationship from the painfest :(

Spiteful eh.......meh to that! There is a photo of your 'friend' in the dictionary next to the meaning of spiteful unfortunately!


BS 39
4 DD's
DD 2012
New life started march 2014, false R! Still on the rollercoaster but will ride it out until the end.....because that's just how I roll

Posts: 47 | Registered: May 2013
womaninflux
♀ Member
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 3:34 PM, September 7th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HBH - You are very brave to step up and do what you did.

I certainly don't expect my WH's friends to tell me about his affair but it would have been nice if they had said to HIM "Hey, you are doing something that is going to fuck up your life sooner or later. Why are you being so stupid?" But alas, no, they did not. So IMO they are not real friends.

Similar to you, I dumped a friend who was having an affair with a married man. She told me I did not have the whole story. I said I don't even want to know. Mind you, her H cheated on her the previous year and they were breaking up. So I just thought it was really crappy of her to do that to someone else - regardless of circumstance. Plus, have a little self respect, please!!!

One of my friends received an anonymous letter telling her about her WH's affair. This was a few days after she had asked for a sign from above about what to do about her marriage (she did not suspect but she did know she wasn't happy). She remains grateful to whomever sent that.

You did the right thing. Brace yourself for a little backlash but it will eventually blow over. Any friend you lose over this was not worth having in the first place. And look at it this way, at least NOW you will know who your friends are.


BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 855 | Registered: Jun 2013
painpaingoaway
♀ Member
Member # 27196
Default  Posted: 3:44 PM, September 7th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

if she is willing to break up someone else's marriage, maybe she might try mine next. No thanks.
Exactly. You did the right thing.


me BS female 56/him WS 59
Married 33 years
D-day July 09/he gave me his slut's STD
Watch my movie: "My wayward husband's adventures in STD land":
Episode 1: youtu.be/9Jv0-d_CdYc
Episode 2: http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=8Tz822H82Gk

Posts: 7021 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Coastal South
SorrowBhindSmile
♀ Member
Member # 38139
Default  Posted: 5:19 PM, September 7th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WOW. I just have to chime in and say that i am in awe of your strength and courage. amazing. And i agree with everyone. you totally did the right thing. I found out about my WH A from an anonymous letter in the mail....so someone, somewhere out there had the strength to tell me, and i cant ever be more grateful. It is a totally shitty position to be in...to be "the one that blows someones world apart".....but it isnt you. YOU didnt do that...the waywards did. DONT let anyone make you feel like you did a bad thing. You are an advocate for the betrayed. someone has to be.


I told them. They don't know OW and at this point I don't care if she finds out that I enlightened the BW, because WH and I just went NC with her. I don't want a friend like that, and if she is willing to break up someone else's marriage, maybe she might try mine next. No thanks.

excellent call. again, an huge show of strength. kudos to you. My WH's OW WAS a long time friend of mine. She had previous affairs and when those didnt pan out, she went after my husband. Nice, huh??

protect yourself and your marriage always. hugs to you!


Me: BW
Him: WH
OW: My former "dear friend"/neighbor
Married 20+
Kids: 3
D-Day 12/2012
Committed to R 7/8/2013
"Believe in yourself and all that you are. Know that there is something inside you that is greater than any obstacle"

Posts: 357 | Registered: Jan 2013
LovesLaboursLost
♀ Member
Member # 37272
Default  Posted: 1:10 PM, October 7th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ouch, that has to be rough. Not a friend per se, but a blogger i used to really like and respect has started blogging about her affair with mm. Needless to say i no longer like or respect her. People can really fool you sometimes...


I'm a work in progress.

Posts: 77 | Registered: Oct 2012
refuz2bavictim
♀ Member
Member # 27176
Default  Posted: 2:50 PM, October 7th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She said I went over the line and involved myself in someone else's marriage out of spite and because I was "assuming there was cheating".

That's a crock of shit. Those are defensive words...for whatever reason, and who is this person to determine your motivations? She should stop trying to determine your motivation and worry about her own....those defensive ones..she appears to have.

You did the right thing. The info you left is a bit like a gift. Now that it's been given, it's hers to do with as she will!


BS:ME DDay: 7/18/09 Last of TT 7/11/10
MOW's EA/PA all were my "friends" but one


Posts: 2372 | Registered: Jan 2010
Want2help
♀ Member
Member # 20547
Default  Posted: 3:03 PM, October 7th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was told by a "friend of a friend" of OW's (actually, it was OW's friend's MOTHER who called and told me) about the affair.

I will tell you, it was better to hear from a stranger than OW or my FWH. He was totally unremorseful at the time, and it took the power away from both of them.

Please, tell the BW.


BS- me.
FWS- him.
DDay 6/07 (immediately separated)
RDay 8/07
Surprise OC born 3/08 (NC)
7 years into successful R.
"That which can be destroyed by truth should be." -P. C. Hodgell

Posts: 2158 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: PNW
HardenMyHeart
♂ Member
Member # 15902
Default  Posted: 3:30 PM, October 7th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

happily yelled out "yeahhhhh I'm a homewrecker!"

I don't get this kind of thinking. Causing innocent people to suffer and not giving it a second thought??? How do some people live with themselves? I hope your friend does the right thing.


Me: BH, Her: FWW - Long Term EA/PA
d-day: June 25, 2007
Married 30 years, Reconciled

Posts: 5622 | Registered: Aug 2007
headdesk
♀ Member
Member # 40787
Default  Posted: 3:51 PM, October 7th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good for you, hang in there. Doing the right thing is often tough and painful for a while.

I had to report my friend's husband to child protective services because he was actively abusing my friend in front of the kids and had said some pretty scary things about the kids (like 'shut her up or I'll punch her about their brand new baby). It sucked. My friend felt betrayed and was very angry at me...but it was the only move to make. Being silent would have been worse.

Lost the friendship, kept my values. Worth it.


Me: 39
WH: 42
DDay:Sep 19 2013 (only TT of EA)
Oct 4th 2013 revealed PA through snooping.
Marred 16 years, together for 20. Looking to R at this time. We have awesome kids (12/14).

Posts: 273 | Registered: Sep 2013
OldCow18
♀ Member
Member # 39670
Default  Posted: 4:18 PM, October 7th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HBH, just jumping in to say that you absolutely did the right thing. You were very brave.


Me, BW forty something, DD & DS,
Married to WH (49) 11 years, together 16
D-Day 6.8.13

Posts: 620 | Registered: Jun 2013
Topic Posts: 43
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