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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: New Phase, and Not a Good One
ckh14
♂ New Member
Member # 40544
Helpless  Posted: 12:32 PM, September 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BW and I have been working on R since DDay. Obviously we have had ups and downs, and I've made the mistake on a couple of occasions of thinking that the worst was behind us. I know, pathetically na´ve.

Anyway, in the last two weeks, we went through the longest period yet without a flare up. When it hit, it looked a lot like the previous versions, and I tried--clumsily, inappropriately, and ultimately, unsuccessfully--to comfort my wife. But the episode never completely died down the way they had in the past. And although it seemed to have finally blown over last night, it was right back this morning. She sent me an e-mail at work explaining that, among other things, she feels as if she has just now completely come out of the numbness of discovery and that she is more angry than ever.

I'm 100% committed to R, and I'll do whatever it takes. I may be way off base here, but I really feel that the anger and my inability to respond appropriately to it are the biggest obstacles to our communication, and thus to R. I would appreciate any advice or observations from anyone with a similar experience.


WH, 38
DDay 6-11-13

Posts: 2 | Registered: Sep 2013
20WrongsVs1
♀ Member
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 12:36 PM, September 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Request for clarification. Are you saying BW's anger is one of the biggest obstacles to your communication and R?

Welcome to SI, BTW.


^^Everything I write, IMHO & YMMV.^^
fWW: 42, amazing H and two elementary-age kids.
Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing & rightdoing there is a field. I'll meet you there. When the soul lies down in that grass, the world is too full to talk about.

Posts: 779 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
ckh14
♂ New Member
Member # 40544
Default  Posted: 12:42 PM, September 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not exactly. When the anger comes, I don't know how to respond, so I try a little bit of everything. And usually we just end up debating what was meant by this or that comment, rather than really just focusing on her feelings and what I can do to help her with them. We are really good at communicating when we are calm; we just haven't been able to carry that over into the times when we could use it the most!


WH, 38
DDay 6-11-13

Posts: 2 | Registered: Sep 2013
mightsurvive
♀ New Member
Member # 38794
Default  Posted: 12:42 PM, September 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

3 months in you haven't seen the worst yet....hold on tight!

I am the BW and at 21 months out I still get angry however it doesn't last as long or come as often as it did for the first year or so.

Be consistent with your wife in terms of answers and support. Her own feelings are probably very confusing even to her (at least they were to me as I have NEVER been this angry before, never unable to control my emotions before).


BW 37-me
WH 40
Kids
Dday Dec 2011
Reconciling

Posts: 24 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: midwest
TxsT
♀ Member
Member # 39996
Default  Posted: 6:21 PM, September 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ckh14.....

As a BS I would like to let you know what helped me.

1) never lie, not even little white ones
2) never couch the truth, tell it straight up
3) most often holding me and putting my feelings into your words would help me calm down. Continued anger over the same issue meant I didn't think you got what I was trying to say
4) always, and I mean always remember you created this and it is your responsibility to help her through this. Do not under any circumstances try to justify your behaviour. Just apologize for being an idiot an hold her closer
5) open up your heart. Do not hold anything back. If she asks you a question answer to the best of your ability.
6) saying the words I REALLY DON'T REMEMBER is like telling her straight up she isn't worth remembering the details for. If you don't know ask if you can get back to her and think hard.
7) do not make up a story just to quiet her down. Only the truth should be told. If you have a hard time speaking the truth Write it down
8) your constant, consistent and truthful actions will eventually start lowering your wife's anger. Don't rug sweep, don't disrespect her reactions, feelings or tears. These are all very real and hurtful.
9) finally, start making a list of things you are willing to do to make this right....ie a time line of affair, all passwords, open all accounts, become a wide open book. This shows intent, something she badly needs to see from you.
10) it was the little things my H did that made me feel the best. Helping with dinner, emptying the dishwasher, folding clothes, garbage without being asked. She is watching everything you do and if you can do it before she asks that cudos to you. Brownie points are hard to earn now so grab them when you can.

I don't know if this helped but it gives you a few options. Also, the faster you open up with a book and let your wife see inside the faster she will heal.

T

[This message edited by TxsT at 6:24 PM, September 4th (Wednesday)]


Me: BS 50
Hubby: WH 53
Together: 32 years
Married: 25 years 09/10/2013
2 boys: 23&21
Dday: 09/11/2012
A length: 4+ years (yes years)
status: Ongoing Reconciliation :o)

Through thick and thin we will survive but he gets only one shot at it!


Posts: 605 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: CDN
hardlessons
♂ Member
Member # 35025
Default  Posted: 10:43 PM, September 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

chk14,

When the anger comes, I don't know how to respond

Neither did I unless it was a work situation. Trying a little bit of everything will get you no where fast. Why don't you know how to respond have you looked into what you can do specifically to handle conflict?

We are really good at communicating when we are calm

calm times are rare for a while so what is your plan for the rest of the time? Conflict avoidance is a learned behavior and takes a lifetime of devotion to manage, it can be its own 12 step program. I fail at it from time to time so it isn't a check the box learning it is constant mindful practice of making healthy choices for you.


Me WH
Wife Tired Girl
3 adult sons
"a wayward...annnnd just a tad betrayed."

Posts: 838 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: Arizona
Kelany
♀ Member
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 11:09 PM, September 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is very normal. She's probably right, the shock has worn off and now reality has set in.

Its a roller coaster. 6 months I hit sheer rage. 10 montbs - Dday is awful.

Have you read "how to help your spouse heal from your affair"? Amazing book.

Have you asked her what she needs from you?

For me a sweeping apology wasn't working. Apologies for specific actions did. Example: I'm sorry I lied to you so much to hide my affair and minimized my destructive actions. I'm sorry for hurting you emotionu and hurting your self esteem. I'm sorry I risked your health by my choices. I'm sorry for hating our marriage so much due to my selfish choices. Etc.


BS - Me
SA/FWH Him
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking


Posts: 1993 | Registered: Feb 2012
1DumbHusband
♂ Member
Member # 40239
Default  Posted: 11:45 PM, September 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Anyway, in the last two weeks, we went through the longest period yet without a flare up. When it hit, it looked a lot like the previous versions, and I tried--clumsily, inappropriately, and ultimately, unsuccessfully--to comfort my wife. But the episode never completely died down the way they had in the past. And although it seemed to have finally blown over last night, it was right back this morning. She sent me an e-mail at work explaining that, among other things, she feels as if she has just now completely come out of the numbness of discovery and that she is more angry than ever.

Sit down, strap in and hold on tight. The roller coaster will be departing soon! As someone who's DDay is about the same as yours, your journey thus far seems a lot more calm than mine. But if the anger is just now getting there, it's about to start trying to throw you off the ride! When the anger comes, everything you say will be wrong. Everything you do will be wrong. However, BE CONSISTENT and follow TxsT's advice! I TT'd and it has sent us further along the roller coaster and made the ride longer! Be truly remorseful and consistent in your heartfelt apologies. Try to do any and everything you can for your BS no matter how big or small. Also, spend some serious time looking at yourself, your actions, what led you to your actions, and formulate a plan to keep from doing it ever again.

On a side note, our longest stretch of "good days" is 2.5. I keep trying to make that number larger, but have not been successful as of yet. Of course it won't keep me from trying.


Me: FWH 34
Her: 31 and deserving much better than I've given her (CCW82)
Married 4 years, together 6 years.
D-Day: June 17th, 2013
"Don't give up. You're married until you're not. You never know what tomorrow will bring."

Posts: 121 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Dallas
TxsT
♀ Member
Member # 39996
Default  Posted: 11:53 PM, September 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you 1DH....I don't know if your wife shared with you my great news but last night RH and I had a wonderful break through.....I got my WHY answer. It was the best gift I could ever receive from my hubby and 6 days before our 25 th anniversary :o)

T


Me: BS 50
Hubby: WH 53
Together: 32 years
Married: 25 years 09/10/2013
2 boys: 23&21
Dday: 09/11/2012
A length: 4+ years (yes years)
status: Ongoing Reconciliation :o)

Through thick and thin we will survive but he gets only one shot at it!


Posts: 605 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: CDN
Topic Posts: 9

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