Confusedman- please, please reach out to someone in real life to get some help. You sound seriously depressed, with good reason, and you need help navigating these awful waters.
I felt so much pain in those early days I remember thinking that I was dying. No doubt in my mind that I was not going to survive. But I did and even though it has only been a few months I am getting stronger everyday. You will too. I promise.
As they say, suicide is a permanent solution to temporary problems. And these problems, although horrific, are temporary.
Please post here if you need support. You are cared for Confusedman, truly.