Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: Alaris999 (44601)

New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: How can I help him without getting hurt
APRIL2008
♀ Member
Member # 19690
Sad  Posted: 1:28 PM, September 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I met this guy at the start of the year along with a big group of his and my friends. Had a good time and everyone went their seperate ways. Heard from some of his friends a few times but then nothing. Never knew of them agin.
About a month ago I was out at the same place we met and crossed paths with this guy We recognized eachother started talking and ended up going to dinner afterwards.
He is going through a seperation becouse of infidelity. Obviously we could relate,our stories are so similar. Ever since that day we talk every single night for 2 3 4 hours sometimes. It is amazing how we can just talk and talk. Ofcourse he talks alot of everything he is going through. He calls me if he's having a rough day in wich I know I can count on him for the same.
I have been through all of this for a while now, wouldn't say I am over it but further on in the road than he is , but now I am finding myself re-living everything I have been through myself. Talking to him brings back memories, feelings good and bad. I find myself thinking so much of how I can help this person yet I think its taking me back 1000 steps.
Now I must say he is an attractive guy and getting to know him is showing me how he is such a good person. We have spent some nights togeather no Sex, sometimes we have just had some long nights and just fell asleep togeather.
He tells me he has never felt so comfortable with someone,tells me I give him strength. He says he always wants to be honest with me, he can't tell me he loves me becouse he is still in love with his ex. Wich I undertand. He explained that he enjoys my company he has said he is attracted to me but doesn't just want it to be about sex.

I love this persons company, the coversations we have the friendship, but I can also see him as a man, a good man, a really good dad and someone that could be a great partner.

I had always said if someone ...a guy friend would have been there for me, maybe someone that had gone thorugh what I was going through, it would have made my journey alot easier.
Now I have the opportunity to help someone out and I don't know that I can handle the feelings it is bringing on me.
I don't know if its doing me any good.
I don't know how to tell him he is so bulnerable right now
I don't know what I should do.


Me BGF28
XBF 29
DD 10
DS 7

“Was it hard?" I ask.
Letting go?"
Not as hard as holding on to something that wasn't real.”
― Lisa Schroeder


Posts: 525 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Arizona
Williesmom
♀ Member
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 1:32 PM, September 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Step aside. This guy is experiencing his own personal train wreck right now. He is not emotionally healthy.

Do not project your wants and needs onto this situation. It will end badly.


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7509 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 1:43 PM, September 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What williesmom said. x1000

Of course he's giddy to talk to you - you're his "RA". You're his "fairness" because his WS cheated on him and now he has the attention of another woman and all is "right" in the world. I have no doubt that you are a wonderful person. He sees that. There's just too much other garbage floating around in all of this to make a healthy go right now.

"Going though separation" is a nasty gray area. He needs to be completely out of his old relationship before he can consider one clearly. He's putting you on a pedestal because he's comparing you to his perceived trainwreck of a life. When that pedestal evaporates in 6 months to a year you're both going to be left with a different reality.

I'm positive this isn't what you want to hear. I just know that the threads I started looking for permission to do something I knew wasn't right ended up saving me when 99.9% of the responses said "Don't do it."


(((APRIL2008)))



If you can't learn to enjoy your life when you have problems, you may never enjoy it because we'll always have problems. - Joyce Meyer

Posts: 16844 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
little turtle
♀ Member
Member # 15584
Default  Posted: 2:00 PM, September 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think you should take a break from each other and re-connect again in the future. He's going through a rough time right now and this is no time for you guys to be starting a new relationship. He should be talking with a counselor about these things.


Failure is success if we learn from it.

Posts: 4138 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: michigan
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 2:54 PM, September 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Step back. He needs the company of other good men to walk him through this. He's still married. He's still in the thick of the nastiness. He doesn't need the semi-romantic attention of a compassionate woman right now.


You help him by stepping back and letting him handle his shit.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9467 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
APRIL2008
♀ Member
Member # 19690
Default  Posted: 2:59 PM, September 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I knew what was coming. Thank you everyone for the comments. I am going to try and walk away from this without hurting anyone including myself


Me BGF28
XBF 29
DD 10
DS 7

“Was it hard?" I ask.
Letting go?"
Not as hard as holding on to something that wasn't real.”
― Lisa Schroeder


Posts: 525 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Arizona
traicionada
♀ Member
Member # 10310
Default  Posted: 3:17 PM, September 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Don't walk but run as fast as you can't. If possible without looking back


Real love is a CHOICE, NOT a feeling...

Posts: 3263 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Dallas, Texas
Undefinabl3
♀ Member
Member # 36883
Default  Posted: 3:24 PM, September 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think you just need to be honest with him.

There really isn't a way to do this without some hurt coming from it, it's a little to late for that, but I think what you said at the end is perfect.

While you love that you help him, its setting you back in your own healing.

That you have been there before, and that until he has healed from his EX, relationship wise, it just can't happen.


Me: 31 MH
Him: 37 MH
New online find 6/19/14 - shit

Posts: 1698 | Registered: Sep 2012
persevere
♀ Member
Member # 31468
Default  Posted: 11:46 PM, September 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Stepping back now is the right call. Move on with your life and he will move on with his healing. If it comes back around later great, but at that point it may not matter...

You can't put your life on hold for anyone - just focus on what is positive for you.


Me: BW-44
Him: XWH-44
Together 9 yrs
DDays: 1/10/2011
Status: Divorced 4/27/11

Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron

It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling


Posts: 4442 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
Topic Posts: 9

Return to Forum: New Beginnings Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.