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New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Way tmi - but need input/insight
trebleclef
♀ Member
Member # 33488
Default  Posted: 8:50 PM, September 2nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In another post I mentioned being interested in a guy i'll call Mr. Swoon.

Okay - this is just ridiculous. I'm like a 14-year-old. Can't stop thinking about him. Can't sleep at night. Get heart palpitations when I see he has emailed or we talk on line. Mope all day when I don't hear from him. And seriously, I swear I could possibly O just thinking of him. Not that there has been sexting or anything suggestive or anything at all along that line, just good conversation and innocent flirting. Honestly, what is the matter with me????! I am a reasonably attractive youngish 58 year old woman who has been around the block. I know better. I know that these feelings are not "real" - I have never even met this man! I keep wondering if this is the same "unicorns and sparkles" all our WSs felt that made them lose their compasses, minds, and morals.
If so, I'm starting to have just the teesiest understanding.

I loved my husband and we had a great sex life. I don't ever remember physical feelings this strong. Is it just because it's been two+ years of celibacy? I honestly wondered if that had all evaporated never to be resurrected again in this lifetime, because all this time I didn't even miss it.
Um - apparently not.

Is it just because it feels SO GOOD to have someone be interested in you, think youre beautiful, want to get to know you? Am I just "in love" with how he makes me feel? In love with the idea of being in love? I sound like a delusional WS in fantasyland and it disgusts me. I'm not that stupid or naive.

He is considering coming east to meet me - and I'm terrified.
First because I will be disappointed if it fizzles. Second because I'm concerned I will have a hard time not crossing my own VERY FIRM boundaries if it sizzles. Seriously, we are going to need a chaperone if that is the case.

I keep chanting the mantra - "Feelings are not reality" over and over along with things like "get a grip TC!".
Its not helping much.

Comments, experiences anyone?


True remorse isn't followed by a "but".

Posts: 1809 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: Alberta
TrustedHer
♂ Member
Member # 23328
Default  Posted: 10:11 PM, September 2nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

fizzle/sizzle

And what will make the difference?

Ok, this is definitely a case of "do as I say, not as I do", but I do wonder about your boundaries, and what they mean.

Ask yourself what your goal is. And where your boundaries come from. What are you doing because it's what you want, and what you've decided you "should" do, based on other people's morals?

Two plus years of celibacy is a lot.

Are you prepared for a physical relationship that may not last? Are you ok with that?

Alternatively, are you prepared for a non-physical relationship with Mr. Swoon? Will it help you, or leave you more frustrated?

If you end up seeing him in person, and disliking him, it's easy. If you like him, and don't go to bed together, it could be good. It could be bad, or frustrating.

You probably need to think about all the possible scenarios in advance, and how you could deal with them.


Take care of yourself. There's a great future out there. It won't come to you; you have to go to it.

Posts: 5117 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: DeepInTheHeartOf, TX
trebleclef
♀ Member
Member # 33488
Default  Posted: 10:30 PM, September 2nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My own personal boundaries are NO extra-marital sex. Under any circumstances. I know it would destroy me spiritually and I will not go there. I am firmly adamant about that. However, given my apparently raging hormones, I'm also smart enough to know that the best intentions can get blurred in the moment. I do NOT want to put either of us in that position/risk. I was at least partially serious about the necessity of a chaperone. I will have to make sure that I have safety measures in place to guard my boundaries if necessary.

However, my puzzle is more along the lines of "Where the heck is this coming from and why?"
I am just stunned at the strength of the feelings I have for this man, not just physical feelings but heart ones as well. How is it even possible to deeply "miss" someone youve never even met??


True remorse isn't followed by a "but".

Posts: 1809 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: Alberta
persevere
♀ Member
Member # 31468
Default  Posted: 11:47 PM, September 2nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I personally don't invest much in the build up even if it seems positive. Meeting in person quite often adds an important reality perspective. It may be positive or negative - it's difficult to predict.

I think your reaction says more about where you're at then it does him.


Me: BW-43
Him: XWH-43
Together 9 yrs
DDays: 1/10/2011
Status: Divorced 4/27/11

Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron

It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling


Posts: 4375 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
trebleclef
♀ Member
Member # 33488
Default  Posted: 12:06 AM, September 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hear you Persevere. And I agree - that's the thing. I'm not trying to say I'm in love with this man or that I think he's Mr. It or anything - I KNOW it is absolutely crazy to feel this way about someone I literally don't know. It's not like me - at all. It's not sensible or reasonable. I'm not trying to explain/rationalize/justify these feelings, I'm trying to find an explanation for them because I am mystified.


True remorse isn't followed by a "but".

Posts: 1809 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: Alberta
gma56
♀ Member
Member # 19595
Default  Posted: 12:15 AM, September 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You still feel it and not everything died because of infidelity !
It does matter if this isn't the one, you know you're capable of feeling attraction to another man. That my friend is HUGE ! Enjoy the awakening and romance for what it is.
Gma


BW-Divorced
It's my life now, my choices, my mistakes to make and my victories to celebrate. His choices made me free of liars and betrayers in my life. I lost my family but gained a second chance to be happy.

Posts: 20323 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Half way to where I want to be.
FaithFool
♀ Member
Member # 20150
Default  Posted: 12:19 AM, September 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Slow down tc!

You are starving for affection, that much is clear, and it's creating a sparkle-farting unicorn situation in your head.

I can totally get where you are coming from, though...


DDay: June 15, 2008
Mistakenly married Mr. Superfreak
20 years of OWs, WTF?
Divorced Dec 26, 2011
"Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget
to sing in the lifeboats". -- Voltaire

Posts: 17157 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
Bobbi_sue
♀ Member
Member # 10347
Default  Posted: 12:40 AM, September 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know that these feelings are not "real"

Though this is said all the time on SI, to try to make BS feel better (they say it to themselves and others) I have never bought into this. Feelings are feelings and they are REAL even if they are based on fantasies or dreams, and even lies rather than certain realities in life.


Is it just because it feels SO GOOD to have someone be interested in you, think youre beautiful, want to get to know you? Am I just "in love" with how he makes me feel? In love with the idea of being in love? I sound like a delusional WS in fantasyland and it disgusts me. I'm not that stupid or naive.

Well, yes looking back on my own history as a single woman, it made me feel darn good when someone thought I was beautiful and was interested, if that person also had traits (physical and otherwise) that attracted me. And yes, part of me loved the idea of being in love, then and now. Nothing wrong or disgusting about it, in my view.

I guess that I see this pattern on SI, it seems that many BS claim to pooh-poo at all that excitement and romance that often happens in a new relationship, whether you are in your teens or much older. You won't hear me ever doing that, nor do I downplay the infatuation stage of any relationship. I treasure the memories of that from the beginning of our relationship, and it would not comfort me in the least if I thought he was infatuated with the OW (rather than being "in real love" with her).

Furthermore, I feel love is defined by the person feeling it, not by somebody on the outside making statements such as "love is a decision and a committment." No it is not (IMO). It is a feeling. That is my view and I don't think anyone will ever change it. My love (feelings) for people are what drives me to want to do loving things, and to make committments, not the other way around.

It (infatuation) was present for both my H and I when we first started dating. He was 38 and I was almost 36. He'd been through two divorces, and I'd been through one. We each had three kids. So why would we fall into this "disgusting" and immature scenerio based on "false" feelings, limerance, euphoria, rainbows and unicorns, and infatuation? And we told each other we loved each other. Did we really (my answer is yes).
He proposed one month after we met, and five months after that we got married.


Now granted, it is probably more likely than not, your relationship with this new guy is not going to get that far. That is just reality in the world today. But you don't have to focus on that reality. Focus on your dream and fantasy and enjoy it while you can. If he turns out to "not be all that" or if he doesn't feel the same way about you after getting to know you, well, it will be heartbreak for awhile, and then on to the next. Maybe part of the reason I can talk this way is because I had my heart broken a lot. It hurt badly every time, but I also realized I would get back on the horse and go out there in the dating world again and risk getting hurt AGAIN. And usually, those early stages of the relationship, or even hoping there would be a relationship, felt very good and exciting.


Posts: 5683 | Registered: Apr 2006
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 12:41 AM, September 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

TC....didn't you say that your D is finalized, you're just still trying to hash out the property settlement? That means that you are DIVORCED. As far as potential suitors are concerned, you can no longer play the 'I'm married" card.

Just keep your feet planted on the ground. You haven't even met the guy IRL.
(honey, save your *O's* for guys that you actually know to be worthy of them....)


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 7705 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
trebleclef
♀ Member
Member # 33488
Default  Posted: 1:16 AM, September 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for your input all.
Bobbi-Sue, I appreciated you sharing your perspective.

I'm kinda creeped out now by my own post and am starting to be sorry I posted it, as I obviously did not explain myself well. I don't want to bother rehashing what I was trying to get at; wasn't so much seeking advice as hoping for illumination - kinda like when you break out in an unexpected rash and are curious as to the cause.
Maybe this is the post-D version of irrational HB? - Whatever it is, its just going to go unfullfilled, for me at least.


True remorse isn't followed by a "but".

Posts: 1809 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: Alberta
FaithFool
♀ Member
Member # 20150
Default  Posted: 8:16 AM, September 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Maybe this is the post-D version of irrational HB?

You might have nailed it there ^^^.

I'm not trying to rain on your parade hon, just don't want you to get too bruised in the post-fantasy crash.

If it works out and you meet him and you both love the pheremones coming off each other and mutually fall madly in love, that would be totally awesome.

You're building that up in your head is all. Protect your heart.


DDay: June 15, 2008
Mistakenly married Mr. Superfreak
20 years of OWs, WTF?
Divorced Dec 26, 2011
"Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget
to sing in the lifeboats". -- Voltaire

Posts: 17157 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 8:27 AM, September 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You're building that up in your head is all. Protect your heart.
FF has it here. I think she is just trying to help protect you....we have all been disappointed before by the build-ups we get in our head over our romantic notions. And there isn't anything wrong with that! It is awesome that many of us are romantic, sentimental, and can feel deeply.

Don't feel bad about your post because you are posting about something that every one of us has experienced and this post will help others who are going thru the same thing right now.

I do hope you enjoy your encounter and that he is a great match for you, but I also want to see you hold a little bit back so if it doesn't work out, you don't crash so far. But even if you do crash, we will be here for you then with hugs and endless support....

[This message edited by NaiveAgain at 8:31 AM, September 3rd (Tuesday)]


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15106 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
little turtle
♀ Member
Member # 15584
Default  Posted: 8:50 AM, September 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wish I had answers for you. I went through a very similar experience after things ended with XH. I fell head over heels for a man who lives on the other side of the country back in early 2011. I took the little bit of interest he showed me and I ran with it. I created ideas and dreams in my fantasy land. I never did meet him and the feelings are still there. They have been buried, but they still exist. I do want to meet him so I can put an end to this chapter. I will probably see him as a brother or a close friend. But I doubt I'll ever find out. Maybe he was just supposed to be a distraction from XH to show me I can have those feelings again. I've since moved on and I'm happy with someone else.


Failure is success if we learn from it.

Posts: 4131 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: michigan
lieshurt
♀ Member
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 9:35 AM, September 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I keep wondering if this is the same "unicorns and sparkles" all our WSs felt that made them lose their compasses, minds, and morals.

I believe when we get involved with somebody online that it's exactly the same as when a WS has on online EA. It's all fantasy when it's online. Lot's of ego stroking, tiptoe through the tulips, everything is wonderful fantasy. IMHO, it's rare that these relationships evolve to be more and actually succeed. Online, you don't see the bad stuff and they don't see yours. Once you meet, reality hits you in the face pretty hard and it's not always pretty.

Of course, we've seen some successful ones between members of this site. I'm truly very happy for those who've made it work. We've also seen some fail miserably and turn into dysfunctional drama, especially with members who've been here for a while swooping in on a newbie. That's why I'd never even begin to get involved with somebody from here, nor am I willing to do online LDR. It's just not for me.


I'm sorry if you don't like my Honesty, but to be fair I don't like your lies.

Sometimes it's better to push someone away...not because you stopped loving them but because you can't take the pain anymore.


Posts: 13647 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
hit-by-a-train
♀ Member
Member # 8923
Default  Posted: 6:27 PM, September 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not every beginner romance can make it from tadpole to frog. But don't lose hope either. I had a lot of the experienced folk in NB very worried about my romance which started with terrible timing.....my husband just died in January 2013 and his divorce was final end of May 2013.

However......we are two emotionally mature and very flexible individuals who have sucessfully coupled and profess to stay so until death separates us. And together? We sizzle!


In the depths of winter I finally learned there was in me an invincible summer..Albert Camus
**Beloved hubby died at home 1/28/2013, age 61..** God sent me two good men in a row......and saved the best for last. Grief & joy coexist.

Posts: 2279 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: USA
cayc
♀ Member
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 9:03 PM, September 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

However, my puzzle is more along the lines of "Where the heck is this coming from and why?"
I am just stunned at the strength of the feelings I have for this man, not just physical feelings but heart ones as well. How is it even possible to deeply "miss" someone youve never even met??

I completely understand what you're getting at, and how you aren't asking about this guy, you are talking about dormant feelings being awakened and it's just crazy, the feelings, the fantasies, the thoughts that enter your head that you had forgotten you even knew how to think.

It doesn't have much to do with Mr. Swoon, although he might be a catalyst. It's more to do with the fact that now you CAN. You can think about men. You can think about having romance, and sex, and feeling good with a partner.

To me what you are feeling and expressing are the first signs of true hope that you can have romance if you want it. At least that's how it was for me. Once I found myself sexually interested in ... well basically any guy who crossed my path ... I knew it wasn't about wanting them. It was about reclaiming part of me without guilt or shame.

[This message edited by cayc at 9:03 PM, September 3rd (Tuesday)]


"The difference between involvement and commitment is like ham and eggs. The chicken is involved, the pig is committed." -Martina Navratilova
"The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 3003 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
trebleclef
♀ Member
Member # 33488
Default  Posted: 10:52 PM, September 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow cayc. THANKYOU!!

I appreciate the fact that you zeroed in on what I was trying to express - it was never about dating advice, it was being whalloped by feelings I thought had died, for seemingly no apparent or worthy reason, least of all I guy I have never met, and may never, and may find out he's a "delete" if I do. This is not about him - it's about a very unusual and somewhat inexplicable experience - and looking for an explanation. I think you hit the nail on the head, so I will quit beating myself up and just be glad for the resurrection.


True remorse isn't followed by a "but".

Posts: 1809 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: Alberta
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 11:09 PM, September 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To me what you are feeling and expressing are the first signs of true hope that you can have romance if you want it. At least that's how it was for me. Once I found myself sexually interested in ... well basically any guy who crossed my path ... I knew it wasn't about wanting them. It was about reclaiming part of me without guilt or shame.
Perfectly put, cayc.

treble - YOU'RE ALIVE!!!


You can call me NIK

Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools, because they have to say something.
- Plato


Posts: 24436 | Registered: Aug 2011
persevere
♀ Member
Member # 31468
Default  Posted: 11:57 PM, September 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Cayc did nail it - it's a victory within itself just to realize you CAN have those feelings - just be protective of how that manifests.


Me: BW-43
Him: XWH-43
Together 9 yrs
DDays: 1/10/2011
Status: Divorced 4/27/11

Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron

It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling


Posts: 4375 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
jadasae
♀ New Member
Member # 37891
Default  Posted: 6:32 AM, September 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had all those same feelings about my now husband and I'm so glad I just got to enjoy them They show that you're healing and alive and capable of loving again...you're obviously aware of all the pittfalls of a relationship after all you've BTDT but who knows where it could go...don't shut the door before its even been knocked on...

[This message edited by jadasae at 6:33 AM, September 4th (Wednesday)]


Me; BW
Him; not important any more
married 24 years
including 10 years of false R
3 wonderful grown kids
Divorced Dec 2011

Posts: 23 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Australia
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