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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: I don't want to be here!
ccw82
♀ Member
Member # 40133
Sad  Posted: 7:06 PM, September 2nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's been 2 1/2 months since D-Day. I've been to hell and back, emotionally and physically. My heart aches with anguish I've never known before!

Here's the scoop:

2007 - we started dating (his EA began from day 1); I discovered EA in Nov 2007, but he was gas lighting the situation. He asked me to stay, apologized. I FORGAVE HIM and told him to go NC with OW; he lied to her and told her he had just started seeing someone (not a serious gf, basically). They did fade out, but I discovered the whole EA in Feb 2008. He asked me to stay, apologized. I FORGAVE HIM AGAIN.

2008 - March, he proposed.

2009 - May, we married.

2011 - During this year I now know for sure he had dates with woman from dating websites, CL, and had sex with a prostitute he found on on Backpage. But at the time I had no clue, and was feverishly attempting to get pregnant with our son (that he asked me to have).

2012 - Our son is born.

2013 - May, I discover online chats with him and some woman from CL. He asked me to stay, apologized. I told him to go NC with this woman. I FORGAVE HIM AGAIN.

Two freaking days later - I discover he is still talking to the SAME woman from CL. He asked me to stay. This time he writes me an apology letter. Begs for "one more chance"...I FORGAVE HIM AGAIN.

June - He has MORE inappropriate contact/flirting with a coworker in NYC during a work trip. I flipped out. This led to D-Day confessions of 2011 EAs and PAs. He asked me to stay again, apologizes. Promises that even though his prior promises were crap, "this time" it's different because he realizes he has a problem. He starts attending SAA meetings, reading books on SA, we (unsuccessfully) attempting MC for a month, we both join SI.

He says he's very remorseful now, and wants to make a life-long, permanent change in himself. Yes, I see that his actions are starting to change now, but my attitude is that he changed once before, when we got married. He was a great husband initially! He was great until he didn't want to be great anymore, and instead wanted "more" with other women.

You guys, I am so beat down! It seems that every time I've forgiven him, he's walked all over me again! I feel like he thinks, "Oh good, she'll forgive me again...let's see what else I can get away with!" I am so sad all of the time, and I just can't bring myself to forgive him this time.

We made somewhat of a revelation this weekend: he wanted to be with me, but there's always been something "missing". I call it the "spark", and he's been searching for the "spark" outside of the relationship practically as long as we've been together! Basically, he loved me but he wasn't fully IN LOVE with me. Now he claims he's fully fallen in love with me since D-Day. I call shenanigans! He's in panic mode because he sees that I'm serious about leaving now, and that I'm not going to be his doormat anymore. So he's panicking and doing everything he can to get me to stay, IMO.

I don't want to be here anymore! I asked him to leave today, and he was gone for 3 1/2 hours before he showed back up at home (unwanted by me, but I let him stay). I wish there was a quick fix answer, but I know it's not out there. I miss the safety and comfort I *thought* I had with him before. At this point, I'm just tired of feeling sad and confused about everything. I would rather just feel sad, but slowly heal from this...and that's why I'm starting to lean towards S/D.

Please tell me...would you believe his apologies and promises NOW? Why or why not?

[This message edited by ccw82 at 7:09 PM, September 2nd (Monday)]


Me: 31
WH (1DumbHusband): 35
Married 5 years, together 7 years.
D-Day: June 17th, 2013
TTs that came out as late as January 2014

"One is not tempted by that he does not want."


Posts: 136 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Dallas, TX
lieshurt
♀ Member
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 7:35 PM, September 2nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You have to look at his actions. Is he proactively working towards dealing with his issues? From what you've posted, you two didn't do any work in the past to deal with this. You caught him, he apologized and promised not to do it again, you forgave him and then the cycle started all over again. You did the exact same thing every time, but expected a different outcome.

This time, it appears he's actually doing something to make changes. Now, what are you doing differently? Are you in IC? He's not the only one that has issues to deal with. You have your own as well. He treated you like crap for 6 years. Why did you allow him to? That's what you need to figure out with the help of IC.


I'm sorry if you don't like my Honesty, but to be fair I don't like your lies.

Sometimes it's better to push someone away...not because you stopped loving them but because you can't take the pain anymore.


Posts: 13638 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
krazy8516
♀ Member
Member # 40076
Default  Posted: 7:37 PM, September 2nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh lord, ccw! I would be sooo done! You are very generous with your forgiveness.

But, just because I would kick his ass to the curb... that doesn't mean that's your answer. Obviously there is something missing from your WH's "routine." Okay, there's a lot missing. Starting with actual remorse. He says "sorry" you say "okay" and everyone moves on. There has to be something more concrete.

I know a lot of people will probably advise to you implement the 180. I never did, but I went straight to divorce, and that seemed to sober my WH quite a bit. Now seems like a good time for 180. I hear you saying you are tired of being his doormat, but it also sounds like you still love him and are considering giving him yet another chance. I say hard 180, to determine if he deserves it.

I'm so sorry you find yourself here, and that he has put you through so much pain over the years.

I hope someone else who has experienced something similar will come forward for you. Right now all I've got is a ::hug::


me: BW, 30
him: WH, 25
us: edging closer to R every day

married 2y, together 2.5y
1 beautiful daughter, 23m

"Someday soon, I'm going to put my life together; Win or lose, I'm starting over again."


Posts: 368 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Texas
ccw82
♀ Member
Member # 40133
Default  Posted: 7:43 PM, September 2nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We tried MC and IC on and off throughout the last 6 years. The reason it was never productive is because he was never fully honest about his actions, or about the intent. He was always gaslighting the situation, and honestly had me believing that I was the one who had the problem! He always made me feel like it was an internal problem with me for "dwelling" on the issues. It's not until the last couple of weeks he's come to realize how wrong it was of him to do that.

Like he said to me before, he never intended to cheat on me when we got married. He fully intended to hold to his marriage vows...until he found a reason not to anymore. I fear that's what he's doing now. He's doing everything he can on damage control, and to "prove" to me he really loves me, but I wonder how long it will last this time?...


Me: 31
WH (1DumbHusband): 35
Married 5 years, together 7 years.
D-Day: June 17th, 2013
TTs that came out as late as January 2014

"One is not tempted by that he does not want."


Posts: 136 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Dallas, TX
cissi
♀ Member
Member # 21737
Default  Posted: 8:46 PM, September 2nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honestly, it doesn't sound very promising, does it? I have no doubt he loves you. As they say, though, love is never enough. He has a problem that he may or may not get a handle on. You have to decide what you can live with and it sure sounds like you have had enough. I don't think anyone would blame you for giving up the good fight.

I really have always believed that when a spouse acts this way consistently, they will never be any different, but there are members on here who have done just that, so what do I know.

Good luck to you, whatever you decide.


Posts: 1375 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Southern California
1DumbHusband
♂ Member
Member # 40239
Default  Posted: 9:23 PM, September 2nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As CCW's FWH, I can attest to her timeline and accept responsibility for my actions. I realize I have given CCW no reason to believe in me or that things will change.

you two didn't do any work in the past to deal with this. You caught him, he apologized and promised not to do it again, you forgave him and then the cycle started all over again. You did the exact same thing every time, but expected a different outcome.

This is true. We attended MC for a little while after the EA, but didn't continue. I did gas light and blame shift over the next couple of years until we appeared to be over it. I have only recently (within the last few weeks) come to the realization that I was gas-lighting and blame shifting after that EA and I never fully addressed the issue as I should have.

This time, it appears he's actually doing something to make changes

As for why this time is different and I feel things can change: I am on SI nightly responding and posting to learn more about myself and others' reasons for their A. We cant afford IC and MC is not productive right now. so we have turned to the forum for support and guidance from people in similar situations. I have been reading about SA and how to recover from it. Even though I'm the worlds slowest reader, I'm working my way through. I'm ordering "How to Help Your Partner Heal from the Affair" and will begin reading that book next. I have gone NC with my old habits (going online to look at porn, Craigslist,etc). As I read more on SI, I am doing more to help CCW and myself heal from this experience.

I know this is not everything I can do, but it's a start and I'm trying to be consistent as possible in my words and deeds now. If anyone has read my posts, you will see that I am finally "getting it" in terms of what I've done and how I've hurt CCW. I think change is possible and that this is different because of the steps I'm now taking that I didn't take before. I've wished a LOT recently that we had found SI back in 2007 and maybe we wouldn't be in the situation we are now. I know it's up to CCW as to whether or not to forgive me and whether this is something she can live with. I hope and pray the answer is yes, but only time will tell. Thank you all for your feedback!


Me: FWH 34
Her: 31 and deserving much better than I've given her (CCW82)
Married 4 years, together 6 years.
D-Day: June 17th, 2013
"Don't give up. You're married until you're not. You never know what tomorrow will bring."

Posts: 121 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Dallas
krazy8516
♀ Member
Member # 40076
Default  Posted: 9:39 PM, September 2nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1DumbHusband:

You are very brave to be here. I wish my WH would join SI...

That being said, all I've got for you is this: be sure that your intentions are sincere. It will hurt your wife far less for you to admit you're not in love with her, and let her move on, then another D-day will. She has been through so much already, and she deserves an honest, loving, devoted husband. If that's not you, please let her know before you do something else to hurt her.

I do love seeing a WS own their shit. Keep up your efforts, even through your BW's doubts. If you waiver, she'll have all the reason she needs to be done with you.


me: BW, 30
him: WH, 25
us: edging closer to R every day

married 2y, together 2.5y
1 beautiful daughter, 23m

"Someday soon, I'm going to put my life together; Win or lose, I'm starting over again."


Posts: 368 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Texas
1DumbHusband
♂ Member
Member # 40239
Default  Posted: 10:06 PM, September 2nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She has been through so much already, and she deserves an honest, loving, devoted husband. If that's not you, please let her know before you do something else to hurt her.

Thank you Krazy! She DOES deserve so much better than what I've given/proven to her over the past 6 years! I hope she gives me the chance to be that man again. Thanks for having some hope for us. It means a lot!


Me: FWH 34
Her: 31 and deserving much better than I've given her (CCW82)
Married 4 years, together 6 years.
D-Day: June 17th, 2013
"Don't give up. You're married until you're not. You never know what tomorrow will bring."

Posts: 121 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Dallas
ccw82
♀ Member
Member # 40133
Default  Posted: 10:18 AM, September 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Full disclosure (since it came up in another post):

It is not something I am proud of, but I did go online and start looking to talk with other people. Call it revenge from the initial EA, call it attention seeking because I felt lonely and brushed aside, call it a cry for help...no matter which angle you look at it, it was WRONG, WRONG, WRONG. However, I resolved this issue in myself a long time ago. I realized that if it was for revenge, it wasn't worth it. If it was attention seeking, it was looking for the wrong kind of attention. If it was a cry for help, it was crying to the wrong people. I realized, on my own and a long time ago, that there is no excuse or justification for what I did when I was talking with other people.

I also asked 1DH that if he knew I was having these emails, and if he actually thought I was having PAs, why did it never bother him enough to confront me? Why did he use it as fuel to actually go out and have sex with other people? The only conclusion I can come up with is that he wanted to have PAs all along, and used the revenge EAs I had as enough justification to actually go out and do it. He was watching porn and chatting with women from CL long before I ever gave him the justification to. It was when he saw my emails that he bumped it up a notch and actually started meeting women in person to have PAs.


Me: 31
WH (1DumbHusband): 35
Married 5 years, together 7 years.
D-Day: June 17th, 2013
TTs that came out as late as January 2014

"One is not tempted by that he does not want."


Posts: 136 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Dallas, TX
TxsT
♀ Member
Member # 39996
Default  Posted: 10:23 AM, September 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok, now I am happy to know I am not going mental.......it is weird having both the BS and WS in the same conversation!!!! Sorry guys, I got confused.....LOLOLOL like that doesn't happen all of the time now?????

Krazy is giving great advice. You are in good hands.

T


Me: BS 50
Hubby: WH 53
Together: 32 years
Married: 25 years 09/10/2013
2 boys: 23&21
Dday: 09/11/2012
A length: 4+ years (yes years)
status: Ongoing Reconciliation :o)

Through thick and thin we will survive but he gets only one shot at it!


Posts: 605 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: CDN
ccw82
♀ Member
Member # 40133
Default  Posted: 10:31 AM, September 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, TxsT! I'm sorry if it's weird for us to both be posting in the same thread topic, we're both just so fresh from D-Day, and it feels like the world is unraveling around us. We can't afford the time for MC or IC, so reading and this website is literally all we have in the way of therapy. I can't speak for 1DH, but I am looking for guidance and answers in all of this mess.

If this relationship was doomed from the very beginning, and is now damaged beyond repair, I wish someone would just come out and say it!


Me: 31
WH (1DumbHusband): 35
Married 5 years, together 7 years.
D-Day: June 17th, 2013
TTs that came out as late as January 2014

"One is not tempted by that he does not want."


Posts: 136 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Dallas, TX
DWBH
♂ Member
Member # 35512
Default  Posted: 11:58 AM, September 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

*threadjack*
I saw the title of your post... that's why I chose my screen name... Don't Wanna Be Here.

*end threadjack*


Me: BH, 43
Her: FWW, 41 (ThornyRose)
M: 16 years, together 19
2 Daughters: 14 and 12
D Day: 9/25/2011; Lies & TT to 5/4/2012
~Double betrayal; caught them in the act~

Posts: 729 | Registered: May 2012 | From: WI
ccw82
♀ Member
Member # 40133
Default  Posted: 9:42 PM, September 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DWBH...I'm glad I'm not the only one that feels this way!!!


Me: 31
WH (1DumbHusband): 35
Married 5 years, together 7 years.
D-Day: June 17th, 2013
TTs that came out as late as January 2014

"One is not tempted by that he does not want."


Posts: 136 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Dallas, TX
Missymomma
♀ Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 10:09 PM, September 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

CCW - Please read this thread for spouses of SAs. Since your WH has mentioned he is an SA, this isn't just standard Wayward info.


http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=498627


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
Lonelygirl10
♀ Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 10:26 PM, September 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was in (and still am in) a similar situation. I have had several "breaking points" where I am ready to walk away, and each time my WS is able to say something to convince me to stay. Every time he says that it's the whole truth, and he has nothing else to hide. And then weeks or months later, more confessions come out. And each time, I forgave him.

It came to a point where I even recently realized that he created a fake account on an online forum to give me fake advice, and that he was reading my phone in order to see what I was saying about him to my friends. I feel like he was using this information to say what he needed to say in order to keep me, and it makes me feel like it was all fake. I don't know how to tell what's real and what's not.

And it's exhausting. I don't want to be here either. I hate that my life turned into this. I don't think he truly understands that I don't want to have to constantly doubt what he tells me. I would LOVE to be able to trust him, but he let me down over and over by telling me the "whole truth" and then confessing that it was another lie.

So my advice to your WS is to tell the whole truth now. If there's anything at all that he's still keeping from you, get it all out at once. And he needs to understand that you truly have no reason to trust him or his apologies now. He may be being truthful now, and he may not be. You have no way of knowing that, and continuing to be with him is a huge risk for you. In order for it to work, he has to truly understand that.

Good luck.


29 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1017 | Registered: Jul 2013
tired girl
♀ Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 11:03 PM, September 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ccw,

A couple of things,

1- Have the two of you set any kind of boundaries about posting on each other's threads?

2- Have either of you checked out the madhatter forum down in the I can relate forum? This is for couples that have each had an affair. This aspect kind of adds a special dimension to R.

3- What is the biggest obstacle for you right now? That he is still lying or that he will continue to do this again?


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 4457 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
ccw82
♀ Member
Member # 40133
Default  Posted: 12:15 AM, September 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lonelygirl: I have spoken with my WH and he still maintains he has disclosed all information. He said that some of the intricate details are a little fuzzy, but overall he swears he has told me EVERYTHING at this point.

Tired girl:

1- Have the two of you set any kind of boundaries about posting on each other's threads?

Yes, 1DH and I have agreed that as long as we don't "attack" each other on our posts, we are welcome to share our perspective.

2- Have either of you checked out the madhatter forum down in the I can relate forum? This is for couples that have each had an affair. This aspect kind of adds a special dimension to R.

No, I didn't realize that such a thread existed.

3- What is the biggest obstacle for you right now? That he is still lying or that he will continue to do this again?

My biggest obstacle is that he means what he's saying now, but that in the future (however long down the road) he will stop meaning it and will repeat this behavior. He's a master compartmentalizer and can justify his way into any situation. He says that every time he apologized before, he meant it. But this compulsion overcame him, and that's when he would screw up again. He also admits that he felt more "guilt" vs. "remorse" when he would apologize previously.

I get that he wants to make a permanent, life long change...I'm just not certain that he's capable of it. Every time before he's cleaned up his act during "panic mode", but once panic mode fades and we return to normal life, so does his bad behaviors. I don't think my heart can take another episode of him betraying me again.


Me: 31
WH (1DumbHusband): 35
Married 5 years, together 7 years.
D-Day: June 17th, 2013
TTs that came out as late as January 2014

"One is not tempted by that he does not want."


Posts: 136 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Dallas, TX
tired girl
♀ Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 8:13 AM, September 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My biggest obstacle is that he means what he's saying now, but that in the future (however long down the road) he will stop meaning it and will repeat this behavior. He's a master compartmentalizer and can justify his way into any situation. He says that every time he apologized before, he meant it. But this compulsion overcame him, and that's when he would screw up again. He also admits that he felt more "guilt" vs. "remorse" when he would apologize previously.

I get that he wants to make a permanent, life long change...I'm just not certain that he's capable of it. Every time before he's cleaned up his act during "panic mode", but once panic mode fades and we return to normal life, so does his bad behaviors. I don't think my heart can take another episode of him betraying me again.

CCW,

Believe it or not, I know where you are coming from. Hlessons and I are madhatters, and he crossed boundaries in our M off and on for 18 yrs. Then I did what I did, and that had a lot more to do with the rage at myself for staying in a M like this, and then he has another EA. So dealing with a messed up ball of wax, and being afraid of them doing it again is something I get.

Here is the thing, when they really get it, and they understand that the problem all along has been them, and they stop trying to put the blame on you, and the M, you will know it. Is he doing that? Is he accepting all responsibility for this? Is he seeking any and all forms of help for what is going on with him? Is he willing to tear himself down to the bare bones, put it on the table and look at it?

If that is where he is , then you have a fairly good shot at starting R with him. Are you going to have setbacks? Probably. Both of you come here, you will get frustrated, it is not a linear process, but it can work. I am not going to tell you this will be easy, it isn't. But in the end, I do feel it is worth it.

Big hugs, I know this is a scary time for you. TG


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 4457 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
ccw82
♀ Member
Member # 40133
Default  Posted: 9:11 AM, September 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

TG:

Here is the thing, when they really get it, and they understand that the problem all along has been them, and they stop trying to put the blame on you, and the M, you will know it. Is he doing that? Is he accepting all responsibility for this? Is he seeking any and all forms of help for what is going on with him? Is he willing to tear himself down to the bare bones, put it on the table and look at it?

He says he understands how wrong he's been during the past 6 years now. I actually do feel like he is different! He's finally opening up (thanks to you wonderful people on SI!) and coming out of denial, and doing so has made him see exactly what he's done. We are still digging away at the WHYS (the underlying reasons), but I'm starting to see some progress.

I had my own breakthrough late last night. Basically, since day one of our relationship, 1DH has been gas lighting me. I was always open and honest with him about my feelings, things I saw, and that I was uneasy about his "friend". He would always turn it around on me and make me feel like I was the crazy one for having those thoughts and feelings! He did this over the course of 6 years, so I go beaten down pretty badly. My self esteem and self worth has plummeted over the years because not only was he basically telling me that it was my problem, and that I was crazy, yet I kept seeing things and he kept doing things that made me constantly question his true feelings for me.

Disclaimer: WHAT I DID WAS WRONG, and I have no excuse or justification!

In 2011, I had given up medical school to have a family with him (yes, MEDICAL SCHOOL -- I was going to be a doctor!). I got pregnant, then miscarried. Got pregnant, then miscarried. Got pregnant, then miscarried...I was in a hurricane of hormones and emotions, and he was living his life like "no big deal"...carrying on with all of his hobbies and sports and such. He also traveled for work (he mentioned in his other post that he was a pilot, so he was gone 3 - 4 days per week). I started feeling very lonely because as soon as he would get home for work, ZIP! He was right back out the door again to this hobby or that hobby. With one part revenge, two parts validation-seeking, I started going online to solicit responses from other men that I was "good enough". If 1DH didn't think I was worth it, surely someone else would?

Off and on, for about 3 months during the summer of 2011, I was online soliciting responses from men. I finally snapped our of it when I started an EA with someone we knew, and after two months of emails back and forth, he started calling me. I realized that it had gone too far, and I ended it. Although I didn't disclose the entire truth, I told 1DH what had happened and promised never to do it again. He was surprisingly understanding...but then again, I hadn't told him the extent to which I had carried on (I basically told him it was overly flirtatious, but it had actually gotten very sexual in nature).

It was SOOOO wrong of me to do it, then to lie to him! It turns out he knew all along, but never let me know (until this May, that is). I realized why I did those things, and fortunately I never did them again. I just with 1DH had communicated with me more, and come out of his own denial, so that we could have avoided everything!

As 1DH put it yesterday: I wish we had found SI back in 2007.


Me: 31
WH (1DumbHusband): 35
Married 5 years, together 7 years.
D-Day: June 17th, 2013
TTs that came out as late as January 2014

"One is not tempted by that he does not want."


Posts: 136 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Dallas, TX
Topic Posts: 19

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