Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: TLGRandall (44305)

Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Does Everyone have to
Happeningtome
♀ Member
Member # 36327
Default  Posted: 10:16 AM, September 2nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Take responsibility for their actions, or just Waywards? A or non-A related make a difference?

These question have been in the back of my mind quite a bit lately (i am hypersensitive to "owning my choices") and I thought I would toss it out there for comments.

Here are a couple of scenarios for examples.

1) (A-related) My BH's livelihood was threatened by someone who was not in any way impacted by my A. She didn't like me because I had an A (fine, a consequence I deserve) so she turns around and tries to destroy my BH's business. Is this person's behavior (reaction?) my responsibility to own, as it is related to my A, or are the actions she took her responsibility?

2) (not A-related) A person makes a choice to do something that ends up being very time consuming. Person becomes very dissatisfied with amount of time this activity requires, but instead of making changes within their control to mitigate the time requirements, person just complains, doesn't make changes, doesn't ask for help. Person insists they have "no choice" in the situation and just has to wait it out for it to get better.

I don't understand this. Person is making the choice every day to live with the current situation, even though it is completely within their control to change. Is it wrong to feel like this person needs to own their choices at this point?

Thanks for your thoughts/comments.


Posts: 73 | Registered: Aug 2012
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 6:56 PM, September 2nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You cannot make someone own their actions. You can request and you can decide whether you can live with someone who believes he is stuck and will not take your advice.

Own your own crap. Don't own someone else's. And don't resent someone else for not owning theirs.

This is not tit for tat. You are not owning your choices just to stay married, right? It's for your own health.


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6075 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
ccw82
♀ Member
Member # 40133
Default  Posted: 7:19 PM, September 2nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with UnexpectedSong. You can't make some take responsibility for their own actions, nor can you resent them if they don't. All you can do is take responsibility for YOUR actions, and let life play out as it may.

Good luck to you!


Me: 31
WH (1DumbHusband): 35
Married 5 years, together 7 years.
D-Day: June 17th, 2013
TTs that came out as late as January 2014

"One is not tempted by that he does not want."


Posts: 136 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Dallas, TX
heforgotme
♀ Member
Member # 38391
Default  Posted: 12:34 PM, September 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(
A-related) My BH's livelihood was threatened by someone who was not in any way impacted by my A. She didn't like me because I had an A (fine, a consequence I deserve) so she turns around and tries to destroy my BH's business. Is this person's behavior (reaction?) my responsibility to own, as it is related to my A, or are the actions she took her responsibility?

Hers. Those actions were vindictive and quite frankly, nonsensical. What point could possibly made by harming your BH bc she didn't like what YOU did???

However, if this is making you feel bad, make sure you talk this out with your BH or IC. If you are feeling guilt or worry over this, you don't want it nibbling away at you for the rest of your life.


D-Day 11/15/12
5 month PA
Married 20 years, 3 kids
All good is hard. All evil is easy. Dying, losing, cheating, and mediocrity is easy. Stay away from easy.
- Scott Alexander
It was the day I thought I'd never get through - Daughtry

Posts: 1065 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: FL
WalkinOnEggshelz
♀ Member
Member # 29447
Default  Posted: 4:34 PM, September 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When it comes to A related scenarios there is a double edged sword.

I agree that you can not take responsibility for other people's actions, however if those actions are fueled by your actions you should take responsibility for putting yourself in a situation where those actions were even a possibility. Acknowledge and take responsibility for the fact that you allowed others into your private life and provided ammunition against you and yours that could potentially cause harm.

There are ripple effects that we WSs don't anticipate. We are so wrapped up in ourselves that we just can't see how far the damage can spread.


Me: WS 42
Him: BH 43(HoldingTogether)
M: 18years, together 22
2 Daughters: 13 and 10
D Day: 7/24/2010; TT to 10/17/10
If you keep asking people to give you the benefit of the doubt, they will eventually start to doubt your benefit.

Posts: 614 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
uncertainone
♀ Member
Member # 28108
Default  Posted: 4:53 PM, September 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree that you can not take responsibility for other people's actions, however if those actions are fueled by your actions you should take responsibility for putting yourself in a situation where those actions were even a possibility

Those actions are fueled by your actions. That is problematic thinking, to me. Actually, kind of wayward thinking.

If someone doesn't like you because of your choices how is directing that retaliation against your husband part of the equation at all? Guilt by association? If she's going to do that she'd do it with any reason that pisses her off. Might be your religious views or party affiliation.

You didn't invite her into your marriage. We can potentially live our lives providing other's ammunition. If they use that ammunition against an innocent party that isn't about you or your choices. It's about them.

In answer to your question, no one HAS to take responsibility for their actions. Hell, people become masters at deflecting and assigning blame regardless of how much should be owned by them.

That's everywhere and can become a huge chicken and egg circle jerk. Well, if you hadn't had done xyz I wouldn't have done abc. Oh yeah, well I did xyz because you did def so now I see your xyz and raise you abc AND def. Voila, now the WHOLE cluster fuck is your fault. Bravo. You are now an enfante terrible and need a huge time out.

If anyone wants a priceless demonstration read any Eloise books by Kay Thompson and illustrated by Hillory Knight. Epic...when you're 6. Not so much as an adult.


Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth


Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
WalkinOnEggshelz
♀ Member
Member # 29447
Default  Posted: 7:31 PM, September 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Those actions are fueled by your actions. That is problematic thinking, to me. Actually, kind of wayward thinking.

Perhaps I did not make myself clear so I will try to explain further.

If its true that this woman is trying to ruin Happeningtome's BH's business solely due to the fact that she had an A, the problem would not exist had she chose another route. Sure this woman could be pissed about religious views but that's not the situation that was presented. The information given is specifically about her A. The question was what do you take responsibility for. So, as I stated before, you can not take responsibility for someone else's actions. What you can do is take responsibility for putting yourself in a situation that can cause pain to yourself and the ones you love.

If an interaction were occurring between her and her husband it could go a couple of different ways. One, saying to him that his struggling business is not on her but this crazy person. That said crazy person is responsible for her own actions, so sorry. Or two, she can sincerely apologize for her own actions and putting them in a situation where others can take advantage of their pain.



Me: WS 42
Him: BH 43(HoldingTogether)
M: 18years, together 22
2 Daughters: 13 and 10
D Day: 7/24/2010; TT to 10/17/10
If you keep asking people to give you the benefit of the doubt, they will eventually start to doubt your benefit.

Posts: 614 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
Topic Posts: 7

Return to Forum: Wayward Side Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.