All I have left is my boys ;/
Thank you for your candor. I needed that. You are right.
The last couple of days have been eye opening as I may finally have a glimpse from my IC into my underlying issues. They do not excuse my behaviors, and the one thing we haven't figured out is why I didn't communicate with my BS what I was feeling and why.
I still have a lot of work to do, and blameshifting (and/or victim mentality) need to NOT be a part of that.
A part of me still holds out hope despite her direct statements that we are done (for example, I had an executive dinner last night, and my BS asked several times if I would have "her" around). Fortunately, I was able to answer honestly that I would not. I am hoping her asking is because she still cares.
As for my IC, the "diagnosis" and all that it entails essentially just gives me perspective into myself that I didn't have before. It doesn't excuse my choices. I plan on reaching out to BS to let her know that I am continuing to try and work on myself and would love the opportunity to share with her what I have learned about myself. I don't know if she will listen. I need to ensure that I am clear about owning MY choices, not excusing behaviors, but rather expressing what I have learned about myself and how I will prevent something like this from ever happening again...
I know for a fact that she will never look at me with loving eyes again, that we will never share a home together again, and that my marriage is over.
This post is sort of an attempt at acceptance, I guess. It is also a plea to all of those out there who are contemplating an affair. Don't do it.
I am dying inside today,
The kindest thing for you to do for her is to give her the space she has asked for.
Please remember can BSs cake-eat too. I knew this was a deal breaker on DD but I raged against it. It might take her time to accept that this is a deal breaker - I didn't accept it until a few months after final S. I behaved much the same way she is behaving - she's in shock. She can't believe this has happened. She doesn't know which way is up. She doesn't know what the hell she wants - actually, she wants for none of this to have happened. She doesn't believe a word you say. She is looking for you for proof of the man she thought she married. She is looking to your actions to prove her gut instinct wrong.
She'll be on this crazy roller coaster for some time. She is doing the right thing for her by keeping her distance from you.
If at some point the stuff she is pulling (BS cake-eating) starts dragging you down then you will need to go hardcore NC on her.
R is not just up to you or her - it is up to both of you. She doesn't have to make a decision today or this month or even in the next year. She can make it whenever she wants. As can you.
If you do the work then you'll be ready if she decides to attempt R and you also want R. If she decides to never R you'll still be well down the road to healing.
Try to take your focus off her or what she is doing/thinking and sort your own shit out otherwise you will be in this position again.
Keep doing the work - for you. What she chooses for herself now or in the future should have no bearing on the work YOU do for YOU. You and your kids need you to be healthy.
Don't make R the goal. Make healing the goal.
I have lost most of my support system, I have lost the trust and respect of any remaining support system. I have hit a low that I never imagined possible, and I know I need to be a good dad, but I can't get rid of this pit inside that is gnawing at me, eating me from the inside out.
I wake up everyday to a nightmare.
I can't see the healing, and don't know where to start to get there...