Thank you everyone for the input.
I am beyond frustrated. I know my WH is as well.
The MC listened to our story of what happened. Then he had us do a few simple exercises to see if we were on the same page. IOW, if we had anything to salvage.
He basically said that this is a tattoo. It is with us forever. He said you will drive by my office and you will think about this time and your time spent here with me. It is a part of your story now.
He said that he can help us to work to take this and to be able to eventually put it in a box, tie it with a bow, and place it on a shelf. That if MC is successful, we will be able to bring the box down, look through it and put it away again. It shouldn't spark the intense feelings anymore because we will have worked through them and healed them.
What does my WH hear from that? He hears that I should put this in a box and put it on a shelf?
He also said that trust is gone. It is a core foundation to any relationship. Not to despair because what has been destroyed is what is called 'romantic trust'. It is the trust we have and feel blindly when we are in love. Often, it can be a false sense of trust.
MC said that we will, if successful, move to a stage of 'therapeutic trust'. It is a recommittment to the M and the relationship, but with eyes wide open. We are not here yet. We are not ready to be here yet. He said that it is trust that is not disillusioned the way romantic trust is....
He said 90% of couples this happens to for different reasons.
My WH hears that 90% of couples lose this type of trust so it was bound to happen anyway. WH didn't say this precisely, but this is the gist of what he was saying.
The MC also touched on triggers a bit. He said that this event has the ability to make or break our good times. He said imagine you are going to dinner, you are celebrating, you are all dressed up, at a fancy restaurant, very excited for the night. You sit down to dinner, next thing the waitress comes over and says, " Hi, my name is OW's name. I will be your server."
^^He said this single act has the ability to make or break your evening. How you react to it and what you do with it because this is a tattoo afterall. There are emotional responses we have to it. He said he will teach us how to deal with it and how to put it in that box eventually. I was hopeful because sounds like MC gets infidelity at least a little bit.
Anyway, when we were relaying what happened with OW, the 'story' sounded so much worse now. So driving home, I asked him if he felt worse when he hears it now. (Remember, he only cops to a friendship where he talked to her too much. Doesn't really buy the EA aspect.)
He said, "No." It really was not that big of a deal....I (me) have made it into something bigger than it was.
No words. I have no words,,,,
I was feeling much better about MC when we stepped outside the door. Agreed to another visit and to do the homework until I realized what HE HEARD.
And when I realize that we could view what was said so differently, I realize that perhaps we viewed out entire M differently as well. I think I wrongly assumed that we were on the same page all these years.
Don't know what to do. For the record, I am in IC. It is helping tremendously. I am making strides I didn't think possible. I have realized that there are alot of FOO issues for me tied to what happened with feeling safe and betrayal. My IC has helped me finally take a stand with some of those things and she has helped me see how my FOO really influenced how I reacted and viewed this EA.
So, our homework... is to come up with 10 words for me and 10 words for my husband. They are to describe us and can be good or bad.
He said he will use the words to help us . Help us change how we see these words...rework them. This will happen in a three stage process. The third stage being the healing part....
^^Trying to think about what to say about my WH.
And I realized that I can't come up with 10 words. Most of the words I would have used pre A, I don't believe right now about him. It is kinda like when we all describe going to the card store for a card for our WS's and none of them seem to fit because they are too mushy or wonderful. That is how I feel.
Then I think, well these words are kind of true about my WH (Loyal, dependable, etc...). They are true with everyone else but me. I have always thought that he treats me differently than he treats other people.
How flipping sad is that???
Should I go?
(Thank you too for pointing out that I need to be open to MC. I am not sure I am. This is one thing my WH says. He thinks I may hear that he is doing all he can be. He says if there is more he can do, he will, but he thinks my fear is that I will be told I need to step up and change a few things. Out first MC said so...although he was not good. My IC has also somewhat said this to me. She really thinks WH was on this slope with OW and did not realize it or what the impact of it would be on me. She's told me that I have great power based on the things that WS has done. I have not told WH this stuff she has said. Maybe I am afraid to hear in front of my WH that there really is nothing more he can do. )