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User Topic: Trying times....
Sam793
♂ Member
Member # 37081
Default  Posted: 4:08 AM, September 1st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As time goes on things are hard for both myself and my BS. Questions that weren't getting answered and TT has not helped things. I've been going to IC but only once a month. My BW is having a hard time dealing with what I did. I know deep down inside she loves me. If she could process and understand what I did we would be in a better place. She has tried over the last 14 months and when she does things are great. The issue is she gets thinking about me and the OW and then the down it goes. I do expect it but I can't help her out of it and she has to do it by herself. She also has the burden of our newborn and our three year old. I try and help when I can but work consumes much of my time. My BW is reluctant to go to IC. MC only lasted a few sessions right after D Day until that stopped too. I know she's hurting. If I could I'd give her a huge hug and say I would be there for all the support she needs. Her personality doesn't allow that. I love my BW to pieces and yes I know it doesn't show since I'm on this site. I'm at a point that I can say for sure I won't go back to the way I was. I'm past my former broken self. My BW of course has trust issues and I know that trust will never come back fully. I'm not speaking negatively about my BW but I would really like to help her. I'm at a loss since she won't accept any help. She's so depressed and I don't know what to do.


Me: 38 BS: 33
3 y/o DD and one new DS
Married: 9 years
3.5yr A
Status: Each day I find more of how I screwed up

Posts: 249 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Canada
tryingmybest2011
♀ Member
Member # 32584
Default  Posted: 5:58 AM, September 1st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First, congratulations on your new addition!

I have a three-month old DD, as well as a 7 year old, so can relate to the tiring work of child care - and my older child is fairly self-sufficient, whereas a 3 year old needs constant supervision. With the fallout from an A, I'm sure at times it gets overwhelming. It would (and does) for me, at least.

I'd urge you strongly to talk to your wife about revisiting the IC. My concern here is postpartum depression, and I know that if I was not on antidepressants, I would have spiralled down fairly quickly after my DD arrived.

You mention that your wife's personality doesn't allow for physical affection. I'd take a closer look at that statement. Her reluctance to accept support and affection from you right now could be a product of your A, and not a product of her personality.

That being said, can you enlist the help of her friends or family to urge her (strongly) to see a physician or IC for her depression? It's hard to cope with daily life while depressed, never mind just having a new baby.

I wish you and your wife all the best.


BS: me - 37
WH: him - 37
DD: 8
DD: 11 mos

Married over 9 years, together for 18.

DD#1: 12/12/10 - LTA of 3 years, 2 mos.
DD#2: 02/02/11 - 2 EA/PA with coworkers, a month after the LTA was ended (by OW).

In limbo.


Posts: 323 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Ontario Canada
TxsT
♀ Member
Member # 39996
Default  Posted: 6:12 AM, September 1st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would very much like to add to Tryings words....

Your wife sounds a lot of what I was feeling after the birth of our second child. The timing of our two families is quite similar, although my children are now 24 and 21. Here is what I was feeling back then

1) becoming a stay at home mom is traumatic. You loose contact with the adult world except for other at home parents and your GP. Having to withdraw from that world shook me to the core and I didn't realize it.

2) I became very upset with my husbands lack of ability to give up HIS outside activities....ie tennis, badminton, golf all of which added to my single parenting time and did nothing to relieve my stress. I have been resentful of this until my IC showed me this after Dday....25 years later!!!

3) your wife has already started to feel like you don't get her needs....I reacted exactly the same way because the problem WAS NOT ME it was my husbands lack of GETTING IT. She has already emotionally removed herself from the situation and is in survival mode. Please, please help her out of this mode. Speak to her doctor if need be because if I could spare one woman from the loneliness I suffered all these years I would feel I had paid it forward. Once you emotionally shut down reaching out for help makes you feel like you have failed in a big big way. I still feel I have failed as a mother, a wife and myself. It has been a struggle I have had to bare for 25 years. It wasn't until the A came out at DDay that I finally accepted the help and OMG the flood gates opened and the storm clouds pored out for months. My husband has been shocked at the sheer disgust for myself I have harboured all these years. It has lead to my unhappiness and ultimately my anger. I could never understand why I was angry....NOW I GET IT!!!

Please keep trying to reach your wife. She needs you to do this for her....she is now incapable of doing it for herself. She feels she is the only thing standing between the children and total failure and you don't want her to tip over that edge.

T


Me: BS 50
Hubby: WH 53
Together: 32 years
Married: 25 years 09/10/2013
2 boys: 23&21
Dday: 09/11/2012
A length: 4+ years (yes years)
status: Ongoing Reconciliation :o)

Through thick and thin we will survive but he gets only one shot at it!


Posts: 605 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: CDN
authenticnow
♀ Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 6:22 AM, September 1st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with the others and I'd like to add this, and I don't mean to oversimplify it, but....have you read The 5 Love Languages?

Maybe if you figured out her love language you could find a way to communicate with her more effectively. Just a thought.


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 37745 | Registered: Sep 2007
Card
♂ Member
Member # 23667
Default  Posted: 6:45 AM, September 1st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm at a loss since she won't accept any help.

Sam, there are many ways she will accept help. Every time you do something that shows her you're committed to transparency, it helps.
Every time you do something that shows her you're committed to being rigorously honest with her, it helps.
Every time you do something that shows her you're committed to providing for her and your children, it helps.
Every time you do something that shows her you're committed to doing what ever it takes to make your marriage better, it helps.

There are some marital recovery programs in 'The Healing Library' on this site.

I can only speak to what we did. We used 'The Marriage Builders Program' with great success.

I also highly recommend two books for someone serious about continuing to work on their own side of the marriage, The first is 'Boundaries In Marriage' By Drs. Cloud & Townsend. The second is, His Needs, Her Needs' By Dr. Harley.
They are both available on audio, if you like listening to books.


If she could process and understand what I did we would be in a better place.

Sam, you're assuming your wife is in a place she shouldn't be. Her healing process will take years. To think otherwise is disrespectful toward her. And to assume she doesn't understand is just as disrespectful.
Sam, she understands perfectly, like all betrayed wives I know, she just cannot fathom that you could actually betray her. That this is actually her life now.

This site is called 'Surviving Infidelity" for a reason.
When you've been in a serious car accident, you proclaim that you 'survived'. Or when you've had cancer, you are still here because you 'survived'. Infidelity is a traumatic event in the lives of everyone involved, especially for the BS. We don't call it thriving with infidelity, we call it surviving infidelity..

I asked my wife at about 12 months of recovery, how often do you think about my adultery?
She said, 'only once a day. When I wake up and start my day it enters my mind and when I go to sleep it stops. So, yes, just once a day'.

I was crushed thinking that all the work I had been doing somehow had been removing her pain. What I realized is that it was helping to dull her pain, but only time and consistent actions on my part, would actually help her heal from it.


I'm past my former broken self.

I'm glad you're recovered, just please remember that you and your wife are not healing from the same depth of injury.


Wishing you both well today....


WH (me)
BS (her)

D-Days April - Oct. 2007 Recovery started Nov. 2007

"Found Myself", I was right there in my shoes all along!
Search for self called off!

Why Repentance Is Necessary? Because Undeserved Mercy Empowers Entitlement/Sin


Posts: 570 | Registered: Apr 2009
Sam793
♂ Member
Member # 37081
Default  Posted: 4:49 PM, September 1st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Trying- I would love if my BW would see the doctor about PPD. Maybe another view from a friend may help. As for the physical affection, I'm only talking about when she's upset and when it has to do with me, she doesn't want me touching her.

Tx- I realize I'm not around as much as most others. It has to do with my career which I'm trying to alter so I'm around more. As said above, I'm going to see how I can help her.

Authentic- her language is Acts of Service. I failed miserably at this before. I have now stepped up to the plate and greatly improved. It's all the prior years of ignorance that haunt her.

Card- wise words. Thanks you. I will look at these programs and see how they will help us. The pain I feel because of how I hurt her is tremendous. I would love nothing but to help us both.


Me: 38 BS: 33
3 y/o DD and one new DS
Married: 9 years
3.5yr A
Status: Each day I find more of how I screwed up

Posts: 249 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Canada
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 5:00 PM, September 1st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sam, she understands perfectly, like all betrayed wives I know, she just cannot fathom that you could actually betray her. That this is actually her life now.

Bingo. Well stated, Card.

She said, 'only once a day. When I wake up and start my day it enters my mind and when I go to sleep it stops. So, yes, just once a day'.

This, sadly, is the truth. It sounds like hyperbole, but it's pretty damn accurate. At least it is for me approaching 7 months.

Sam, understand that no one who hasn't gone through this from the BS perspective can truly appreciate the depth of pain. All of us can imagine what it feels like to find out that you've been physically and emotionally betrayed by a beloved spouse, but until you've experienced it you really don't know. It's exponentially worse than you think.

I'm not saying this to make you feel worse than you do, but to hammer home the point that this is going to be a very long and difficult journey. It sounds like you have a hard time accepting her pain. Accept it, because it's real, it's deep, and it's not going away anytime soon. But the bright side - this is your opportunity to rally and to prove that you really have changed, that you are in it for the long haul, and that you are finally and fully committed to your marriage.

Best of luck. And congrats on the new baby.


[This message edited by Sal1995 at 5:06 PM, September 1st (Sunday)]


Me (BS)-45, WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
M - 18 years, 4 children
Reconciling
PM's w/ male members only please

Posts: 1402 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
ccw82
♀ Member
Member # 40133
Default  Posted: 7:29 PM, September 2nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sam, your wife feels betrayed and maybe a little resentful. As the BS, I don't know that we can ever truly understand why our WS cheated on us, especially after giving the WS so much of ourselves. She might feel like the love, care, and devotion she gave to you and the marriage wasn't enough before, so what makes it enough NOW? Those are questions you'll have to answer in order to help her.


Me: 31
WH (1DumbHusband): 35
Married 5 years, together 7 years.
D-Day: June 17th, 2013
TTs that came out as late as January 2014

"One is not tempted by that he does not want."


Posts: 136 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Dallas, TX
Sam793
♂ Member
Member # 37081
Default  Posted: 10:09 AM, September 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

After having a talk with my BW, the reason she is giving that she won't go see a IC is that the IC won't make the A not have happened. I don't know what to do. I really don't know of a way to help her.


Me: 38 BS: 33
3 y/o DD and one new DS
Married: 9 years
3.5yr A
Status: Each day I find more of how I screwed up

Posts: 249 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Canada
cliffside
♀ Member
Member # 38803
Default  Posted: 11:27 AM, September 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BS here. I can't imagine going through this with a newborn. She must be EXHAUSTED. Could you take the kids for one night and get her a room at a hotel - book her a spa service and just let her get some uninterrupted rest? All Moms appreciate some R&R and this will show her you are trying to help. My kids are 5 and 7 and if my FWH did that I'd be very appreciative.

Have you shown her this site?
We BS could definitely help her.

Also, this:

Questions that weren't getting answered and TT has not helped things
.

Have you given her the 100% truth and are you being 100% transparent now.

Lastly, one thing you and she may need to come to terms with is whether or not Infidelity is a deal breaker for her. Some people want to get past it, think they really can, but find out they just can't. Unfortunately, that's a possibility for all of us.

Good Luck and make sure your wife is getting some sort of rest and support.


Me: BS 39
Him: WH 41
2 Kids
D-Day: 2/3/13
Broke NC 3/14
Very skeptically in R for now...

Posts: 269 | Registered: Mar 2013
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 11:45 AM, September 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

the reason she is giving that she won't go see a IC is that the IC won't make the A not have happened

True. But an orthopedic surgeon can't make a severed leg not happen either. Best they can do is teach you how to walk with a prosthetic better than you can do without their assistance. It's not for everyone, and it might be hard to find the right IC, but she should give it a chance.


Married: 17 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3959 | Registered: Dec 2011
uncertainone
♀ Member
Member # 28108
Default  Posted: 12:00 PM, September 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This, sadly, is the truth. It sounds like hyperbole, but it's pretty damn accurate. At least it is for me approaching 7 months.

Not trying to thread jack, and maybe it isn't, why live like this? I so understand that people do things to us that can level us. Take us to places inside us we never knew existed and would have happily led the rest of our lives without that knowledge, however (us waywards can't use "but". ) we're there now. All the sorrow won't change that or the fact that "this" person did in fact do this. Whether the reasons were compelling or not is irrelevent.

I know time time time. Doesn't it also hard code while it's passing if you keep that painful talking moving reminder in your life? If the actions can not be seperated from that person how does either party ever work through this?

I know most on this site have done something that they deeply regret, feel bottomless remorse for and would move heaven and earth to take back. Can you imagine living with that as if it still was occurring every waking moment even being awakened by someone else's dream of your horrific choices?

Is that living? Surviving? Or condemning, for both?


Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth


Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
Topic Posts: 12

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