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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: One year anti 'dday'
mrmarx
♂ New Member
Member # 38357
Default  Posted: 2:19 AM, September 1st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So September and October is going to be really rough months for my wife and I.

We just finished August where my wife exactly one year on was in the same place she knew for sure about the affair.

Next one is the 12th of September where two days later 14th of september she will be in the exact same place where she told the first person, one of my best friends I broke up with her and was physical with her

And then there is October 4th and 8th ddays

Then her birthday on the 15th of October where she cancelled all her plans because although she had paid for the deposit she couldn't pay the rest. (It was a significant birthday).

How am I supposed to handle all of this. I don't think she understands this will be difficult for me. Or she simply doesn't believe thats the case.

ontop of that I am sure main slut is back in town, I'm sure I saw her two days ago. I told my wife but she is pretty sure she isn't back, I am pretty indifferent to her but she's psychotic.


Christ what a year!

Posts: 37 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Aus
mrmarx
♂ New Member
Member # 38357
Default  Posted: 7:48 AM, September 1st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

anyone have advice?


Christ what a year!

Posts: 37 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Aus
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 8:08 PM, September 1st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mrmarx - Holidays and weekends are slow around here. Be patient: I'm sure others will be along with advice.

Are you and your wife in a place where you can talk about this together and make a plan for how to deal with these dates and the difficult emotions that you are expecting?


You can call me NIK

"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
-Hayley Williams


Posts: 24799 | Registered: Aug 2011
mrmarx
♂ New Member
Member # 38357
Default  Posted: 8:55 PM, September 1st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks NIK,
Well technically yes we can talk about it but that is all she does, she just gets upset.

Is there any techniques I could suggest for her? A lot of people tend to crowd me for a couple of hours after these events. So it's not as if we can have alone time.

Any advice is definitely appreciated


Christ what a year!

Posts: 37 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Aus
salty_lt2
♂ New Member
Member # 33744
Default  Posted: 9:07 PM, September 1st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A lot of people tend to crowd me for a couple of hours after these events. So it's not as if we can have alone time.

Um, if these "events" have anything to do with your affair (don't know the story, sorry), then I'll suggest to strongly reconsider taking part in these "events."

Also, you can absolutely control whether or not people crowd you for a couple of hours after said "event." You have the power to walk away with your wife!

Instead of asking what you can say to your BW so that she can be more at ease, I'd strongly suggest worrying more about your own actions and what they're "telling" your BW.

That being said, I send you strength and hope on your DDays, mmarx.


Posts: 33 | Registered: Oct 2011
mrmarx
♂ New Member
Member # 38357
Default  Posted: 8:56 AM, September 2nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks salty_lt2,
Technically these events weren't apart of the affair (they weren't there), but were really markers in the whole timeline. It seems to be when my wife was most acutely aware as well something was going on or when a huge event between us had transcribed.

But either way I can't not go to them, also I simply won't not go to them. I've spent many years and money building somewhat of an industry name/ career for myself, last year and this year is when has started coming together for me.

I've done the absolutely bare minimum this year, meaning I've lost a lot of potential contacts, therfore work and I can't do less. These events are unfortunately the bare minimum.

My wife has made it clear she understands, but says she feels isolated at these events. I just am at a loss to think of any strategies to help her. If she stays home she's acutely depressed if she comes she at least knows what is happening...

I don't know, maybe I'm rambling. But I have no clue. There is no way in hell i'm changing careers.


Christ what a year!

Posts: 37 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Aus
jb3199
♂ Member
Member # 27673
Default  Posted: 10:22 AM, September 2nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There is no way in hell i'm changing careers.

What if that was one of your BS's criteria for R?


BH-46
WW-44
2 boys-17 & 20(special needs)
Married 21yrs.(together 27yrs.)

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day: 9/18/09 D-Day#2: 2/19/10 The Marriage Killer: 6/6/11
Heading for D


Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: northeast
mrmarx
♂ New Member
Member # 38357
Default  Posted: 8:50 PM, September 2nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Fortunately I don't have to worry about that. But I don't think she would be the person I fell in love with if she made that a condition.

Occasionally she asks if this career is really what I want. But only because I'm stressed the majority of the time because of it.

My career is part of who I am, it has been for as long as I can remember. It was there when we got together, it comes apart of the package. So she would be asking me to shut off a part of myself if I was to give up my career.

I really just want to know what techniques I can use to help her, creative ones as I can't think of anything.

Thankyou


Christ what a year!

Posts: 37 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Aus
nogoodap1
♂ Member
Member # 38595
Default  Posted: 11:18 PM, September 2nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But I don't think she would be the person I fell in love with if she made that a condition.

This is an incredibly selfish statement. You are not the person she fell in love with... think about it... do you think she fell in love with you because she knew you would cheat on her?

So she would be asking me to shut off a part of myself if I was to give up my career

She's had to change so much, to stay with you... she had to shut off so many of the things I'm sure she believes in, to R.


Technically these events weren't apart of the affair (they weren't there), but were really markers in the whole timeline.

While your affair wasn't at the events, was it with someone you met through work? If so, than it's no wonder she's having a difficult time with it. Do you work with women? All of these things are triggers.

I know you're looking for suggestions to give to her. Maybe you should look at the clues she's already giving you. Can she go with you, and be by your side when you are crowded by people? Are there any other reasons why she's upset during these events, besides the timeline? How do you act with these people at the events? Are they mostly women? Etc...

When I read your posts, you are sounding very selfish. If you're this way with her, she's never going to feel secure and safe. If she hasn't asked you to change your job, than don't stress over that advice. We don't know your whole story. But I will say NO job is worth hurting my BGF, again, ever.

Us W's messed up. Big time. She doesn't need conditions about your job from you. She needs reassurances, understanding, patience, sacrifice, and love. And when it comes to suggestions as to how to handle this difficult time, see the five words in previous sentence.


Me: WBF
Her: BGF
Status: I'll let you know when I know. working on us and I'm becoming a whole new and improved me.
D-day #1 2-18-13
D-day #2 6-13-14
D-day #3 8-17-14
*Only PM with men, thanks*

Posts: 109 | Registered: Mar 2013
mrmarx
♂ New Member
Member # 38357
Default  Posted: 1:48 AM, September 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Look my wife doesn't have a problem with my work, she's, without prompting, made it abundantly clear. She's not even brought up being upset at these events. I can just tell.

I was hoping that someone who might of had DDAY anniversaries. Could give me strategies based on their experience.

Arguing about what I do for a career is frankly bullshit. I've made it very clear that it's apart of me and my wife understands that too. I've offered right back when shit hit the fan to give up my career and she said no. I don't understand why i'm being called selfish for wanting to give up an aspect of my life i've worked very hard for. No she wouldn't be the person I fell in love with if she asked me to give it up, because it's not in her nature/ personality.

Pretty sure love is wanting the best for eachother. And no I did not love her right, evidently, that is why I am here.

You've mentioned

needs reassurances, understanding, patience, sacrifice, and love.

I'm not dumb. I do understand that.

This is such a waste of time.


Christ what a year!

Posts: 37 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Aus
Topic Posts: 10

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