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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: I have had enough
Eyeofthetiger
♀ Member
Member # 40359
Default  Posted: 5:49 PM, August 31st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hve had enough of hoping he will change and come back.

He said he didn't want to work on our marriage and that the only option was divorce. But he hasn't done anything to go in that direction.

I have loyalty, integrity, and respect and have asked him to come over and talk. We have children together, a house, and a life we built. But he is a different person and I am done. I didnt want to have to do his dirty work of filing for divorce but I might have to.

Any talking points for tonight are welcome. I obv can't change his mind but I will let him know I will be filing for divorce.

Does anyone know if you can file without an attorney present?


S

Posts: 129 | Registered: Aug 2013
Chrysalis123
♀ Member
Member # 27148
Default  Posted: 5:52 PM, August 31st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In my state you can get the papers for divorce on the court website. You can divorce completely without a lawyer, although I wouldn't recommend that.

If you are done, why are you talking with him?


Donít get to the end of your life and find that you lived only the length of it; live the width of it as well.†

Posts: 2375 | Registered: Jan 2010
Eyeofthetiger
♀ Member
Member # 40359
Default  Posted: 6:05 PM, August 31st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honestly, because if he were going to file papers, I would want to hear it from him before it happened. No matter what he has done to me, I want to leave this marriage with my dignity in tact.


S

Posts: 129 | Registered: Aug 2013
shiloe
♀ Member
Member # 1224
Default  Posted: 6:44 PM, August 31st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah, WTF is with these guys?
Mine left for his OW (denies it), filed for divorce 2 yrs ago, but does ABSOLUTLY NOTHING to get the process moving along. Just file for divorce and forget about it. What the hell, is it so I have to pay my attny. to get the ball rolling? Why do they do this?
More shit in the shit sandwitch.

[This message edited by shiloe at 6:45 PM, August 31st (Saturday)]


But remember, good love is hard to find . . -Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers
BS - 54
Cheater -54
Married 26 yrs
DD - 21 DD -19 DS-17
A#1 2000 with married ho-worker/neighbor ow#1
A#2 2007-? OW#2 LTA with married ho-worker. Kicked him out, he filed

Posts: 491 | Registered: Mar 2003
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 6:54 PM, August 31st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I want to leave this marriage with my dignity in tact.

It's one thing to operate with dignity and integrity. It is another to make a severe tactical mistake by assuming that he is going to handle this fairly.

These are your kids. This is your life.

It's the honorable thing to do to tell him that is your intention to file for divorce. That is where your obligation ends. If he can't treat you with respect and faithfulness, who is to say what choices he is going to make in regards to protecting himself against YOU? He doesn't care about what's fair or what you deserve - he's looking out for number one and you need to stop projecting your good intentions onto someone else who doesn't seem to treat others with respect.

I don't have personal experience in this matter, but I read again and again that you should be the first to file.

People will be along with more technical advice. I just want to tell you to line your ducks up and hold your cards close to your chest starting NOW if this is the path you choose to take. It's not bad or mean, it's giving yourself the consideration that you can't expect anyone else to.

(((Eott)))


For last year's words belong to last year's language
And next year's words await another voice.
And to make an end is to make a beginning. - T.S. Eliot

Posts: 14745 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 7:12 PM, August 31st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's one thing to operate with dignity and integrity. It is another to make a severe tactical mistake by assuming that he is going to handle this fairly.

These are your kids. This is your life.

It's the honorable thing to do to tell him that is your intention to file for divorce. That is where your obligation ends

These words are so wise. Please print them out. You really, really, really need to be tactically wise right now. You most certainly can file for divorce on your own. Depending on your individual circumstances, that may not be wise.

You cannot nice your way into an easy divorce. Divorce isn't easy. Be wise, Hon. Use strategy.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8792 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
debbysbaby
♀ Member
Member # 32962
Default  Posted: 9:30 PM, August 31st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You cannot nice your way into an easy divorce. Divorce isn't easy. Be wise, Hon. Use strategy.

As someone who has been there/done that, I agree wholeheartedly. Divorce is war. Smile gently and walk softly to disarm, but carry a big stick. He is now your enemy. Your future with your children and beyond will be shaped by how you handle this business transaction. Vow to "win". You can always give leeway later if you want, but you want that to be YOUR option.


-betrayed almost my whole almost 15 yr marriage
-divorced since 2004

Posts: 783 | Registered: Aug 2011
newlysingle
♀ Member
Member # 38735
Default  Posted: 1:46 AM, September 1st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with the others in that you must defend yourself and fight for what you need. I would definitely get an attorney.

My STBX has dragged his feet as well. Initially, he was all big on getting a really quick divorce. Well, then I discovered that he was having an A and he hadn't told her he was married. I called her myself and told her. She was upset for about 5 minutes and then forgave him. His evil plan was to quickly divorce me (our state allows divorce in 60 days) and then go right to her. She'd never know he was married and everyone would think he just met her after he got a divorce. Yes, he really didn't see any flaws in this plan. LOL.

Anyway, once she knew he was married and didn't think it was that big of a deal, he totally stopped pushing for the divorce. I think he would have just been fine, leaving and moving in with her, but just staying married. That didn't work for me. Once he left the house, I filed myself and have to do everything to keep this divorce rolling. It should be completed any day now and I can't wait.


BW - Me (37)
XWH - (37) The Gnat
OW - Some dumb whore he picked up in another state and moved here here. Known as Hello Kitty.
M for 8 years, together for 10
1 DD (5), 1 DS (1 year)
Dday 3/13
Divorced 9/20/13

Posts: 722 | Registered: Mar 2013
dmari
♀ Member
Member # 37215
Default  Posted: 3:00 AM, September 1st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Does anyone know if you can file without an attorney present?

You can file for divorce without an attorney in my state BUT I would check your states court website. If you have children, assets, joint property, if you were a SAHM, etc, I would highly recommend council to protect your rights and to get what you are entitled to.

My stbx wanted the divorce but didn't want to do all the work involved. So I contacted an attorney and filed first and now I am glad I did. I initially really really really didn't want to go down the D path but stbx left me no choice. Now I am really really really at peace with my decision and actions during this whole process.

Good luck!


Me (BS): 42 Children: DD 18, DS 15
I FINALLY GOT A COURT DATE: 5/29/14!!

Posts: 1832 | Registered: Oct 2012
Eyeofthetiger
♀ Member
Member # 40359
Default  Posted: 6:56 AM, September 1st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know I need a lawyer for the whole D process. Just wasnt sure about filing.

I am more confused this morning than I was last night. He insists that he was not happy with our relationship so that's why he wants a divorce. But when we talk about feelings or how I am not going to be his friend if we can be together or how much I am hurt and the toll it is taking on me. Or when we talked about not being together intimately anymore, he gets emotional. He cries. Why? Why is he like this if he wants a D.

If he isn't willing to change or work at it, I obv still feel like I am done. But something is telling me this isn't truly what he wants.


S

Posts: 129 | Registered: Aug 2013
PurpleRose
♀ Member
Member # 33129
Default  Posted: 10:31 AM, September 1st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

tiger, is his A over? Many times we see a WS who is not able to pull the plug on the marriage they broke, yet they are also not able to end their affair.

It's called cake eating.

Be careful of his emotional state.. And like we all say here ACTION, not words. Even if you file for D, you are married until you are not. You can put the D on hold whenever you want to- or drop it altogether.


divorced the Dooosh
*****************************
even if you find your voice,
sometimes it does not matter anymore,
when you speak to a man who is deaf by choice.
~dodinsky

Posts: 3240 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: ATX
hurtbs
♀ Member
Member # 10866
Default  Posted: 10:43 AM, September 1st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tiger

Why not make an appointment with an attorney for a consult? See what your options are, learn about the process, hear about costs, etc.?


Me BW Him XSAWH
DDays - 1 was too many
Divorced 2012

"In life, unlike chess, the game continues after checkmate." - Asimov
"Be patient and tough; someday this pain will be useful to you." - Ovid


Posts: 15133 | Registered: Jun 2006
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 10:55 AM, September 1st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Please, notice how further contact leaves you more confused.
The tears are those of a little boy who is not getting his popsicle.

Get a L.
File.
Protect yourself.

t/j @ shiloe
In my state, a D filing can expire for 'non-action' (I forget the legal term), if it has, good for you - YOU can file. Being the one to file was a huge advantage for me!


Posts: 6032 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
Eyeofthetiger
♀ Member
Member # 40359
Default  Posted: 2:10 PM, September 1st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not sure if he is still seeing her. He said he ended it back in June. Nothing comes up in phone records since then. But whose to say he doesn't have a second phone? He doesn't live at home so I would never know.

He rarely calls to talk to the kids. And takes them wed night and EOW on Saturday afternoon to Sunday.

I wish I could explain my feelings. I loved our life together. We worked really hard to get where we are and now that everything has fallen into place, this is happening. I miss him or at least who he used to be. Sometimes I see that man in there. Like when we talk and he is emotional.

How do I get my emotions in check? Yesterday I was ready for D, today I just want to fix my M.

I spoke to a L last week he gave me some advice. My FIL is also a divorce attorney but for obv reasons he will prob help his son out. Although I cannot see him representing him through this.

I just wish I could snap my fingers and make my life better. I know I should just pick myself up and move on. Take care of myself and my kids. But it is so damn hard when my heart belongs to a man I grew up with.


S

Posts: 129 | Registered: Aug 2013
Topic Posts: 14

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