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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: My AP is pregnant...
salty_lt2
♂ New Member
Member # 33744
Default  Posted: 1:15 PM, August 31st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

... and it's not mine, but the pain to my BW is searing. She found out through an acquaintance on FB today.

Our DDay 7/26/2011; complete and total NC since then, and major amounts of IC and MC. Our marriage (now) is great, and we don't have very much to complain about other than the "standard" problems in a marriage.

Just before DDay, my AP and I discussed having a baby together, only in very general terms. My OW's husband had a vasectomy, and her biological clock went off. I had 2 kids at the time (which I had completely forgotten, along with my BW). I even brought it up with my BW 2 or 3 days before DDay, asking her if I could be a sperm donor for my AP. My AP was very happy about my BW's "approval," but I told her that I wasn't OK with it at that point... and then I blew up my BW's life.

Fast forward 2+ years. We're in a good spot. Life is, all things considered, wonderful. I work really, really hard, as does my BW, and we are rewarded for that.

Then, my BW finds out today that my AP is pregnant because her BH reversed his vasectomy for her/them. My BW is crushed, and I completely understand. This was supposed to be something that my AP never got "rewarded" to her in life. I get that. Her child-less life was supposed to be her "punishment," according to my BW, and I get that, too. It didn't happen like that, obviously, and in this case- both Waywards "got their ways." We had no consequences. Our betrayed suffered, and we got to keep having our families, our jobs, and our lives. My BW is forced to carry this pain and mistrust forever because of my affair, even if we live the rest of our lives together (I can only hope and dream!). I feel so sad for her, and so regretful for my actions when I was a weak, broken person, father, husband, and friend.

Fortunately, that person doesn't exist anymore, and I am thankful for that. I've had another beautiful little girl since our DDay, and I am so thankful for her and her health. I am thankful and grateful for my family, my BW, my job, this forum, and my life right now. I will continue to be grateful, but it hurts so bad to randomly remember the "old" salty_lt2, and what a little asswipe he was.

All I can do is hold my BW and remind her that this doesn't have anything to do with us at all.

Except it does.

I love you, wife.


Posts: 33 | Registered: Oct 2011
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 1:25 PM, August 31st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm really glad that you seem to be in tune with how painful this is for your BW.

Hold her tight. Hopefully this will pass soon due to how well you both are doing.

Sending strength.


Cherish those who seek the truth but beware of those who find it. - François-Marie Arouet

Posts: 17810 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
salty_lt2
♂ New Member
Member # 33744
Default  Posted: 1:37 PM, August 31st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hold her tight. Hopefully this will pass soon due to how well you both are doing.

True, except that's not what she wants right now. I also get that, and we'll have to ride yet another bump.

Thanks for the support, Jrazz- I need it!


Posts: 33 | Registered: Oct 2011
uncertainone
♀ Member
Member # 28108
Default  Posted: 2:54 PM, August 31st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Our betrayed suffered, and we got to keep having our families, our jobs, and our lives

If this is true then maybe more work is needed, individually and internally. Consequences aren't always about visable and therefore measurable things.

I have everything I had before my choices and have inflicted a wound on myself that rivals anything I received from others (and believe me there some very fucked up shit done to me) other than the loss of my little one.

I have a far easier time getting over and through shit that's done to me. Not so much shit I do. It's far more complex and much longer lasting.

I've never got the staying in touch with those that fucked us over to hope to see some "karmic" justice (don't believe in karma but for discussion sake).

The only reason I monitored my mother's friends was to see if they would have any contact with children. One was getting ready to marry someone that had a 6 year old little girl. He vanished. I was actually questioned about that as I was one of the last people seen with him. Not saying I wouldn't have. I was prepared. Simply told him I'd blow his whole world up if he did. I'm sure he fucked over someone else that took care of him. He was an import export guy.

I tried going to law enforcement earlier and they seemed uninterested. Nice how small towns work.

Anyway, problem solved. His past did catch up with him. It usually does, if no changes are made because the behaviors continue. If she got her shit right and is working through this shit as you are good for them. If not, not your wheelhouse.

You have beautiful (I'm sure) little ones. Enjoy and continue your consistent work. Be there for your wife when she is ready and keep looking forward.

[This message edited by uncertainone at 2:55 PM, August 31st (Saturday)]


Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth


Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
salty_lt2
♂ New Member
Member # 33744
Default  Posted: 3:05 PM, August 31st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You have beautiful (I'm sure) little ones. Enjoy a. nd continue your consistent work. Be there for your wife when she is ready and keep looking forward.

Right on, UO.

I'm doing well.

It also hurts to watch my BW slide back, but really do also know that I'm not responsible for her healing, which still kind of sucks...


Posts: 33 | Registered: Oct 2011
JustDesserts
♂ Member
Member # 39665
Default  Posted: 3:19 PM, August 31st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Please help me understand.

You say:

Our marriage (now) is great.

But that your BW feels like this about your xAP:

This was supposed to be something that my AP never got "rewarded" to her in life.

and:

Her child-less life was supposed to be her "punishment," according to my BW.

It is my understanding that a Betrayed and Wayward who are in Recovery should focus their energies on their own individual healing, and the healing of their marriage.

I get that this news might be a trigger. But the idea that your BW is so deeply focused and invested (it appears from what you wrote) in your xAP's and her husband's karmic outcomes in their life, especially as it relates to "punishment and the rewards" she feels they do or don't deserve, 2 years out, is at least a bit confusing and troubling to me, as an outside observer. To be frank, your post gave me an unsettled feeling. That's just my take, based on your words, and my understanding of them.

UO makes a good point in her last paragraph.


2 year EA/PA. DDay 3/12. Broke NC 6/13 w/one stupid 5 line e-mail (which brought me to SI). Me: WH, 50. Her: BW, 49. Married 19 years. Two kids. Dog. Reconciling...together.

Posts: 403 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Suburbia, New England, USA
caspers1wish
♀ Member
Member # 28720
Default  Posted: 3:34 PM, August 31st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I get that this news might be a trigger. But the idea that your BW is so deeply focused and invested (it appears from what you wrote) in your xAP's and her husband's karmic outcomes in their life, especially as it relates to "punishment and the rewards" she feels they do or don't deserve, 2 years out, is at least a bit confusing and troubling to me, as an outside observer. To be frank, your post gave me an unsettled feeling. That's just my take, based on your words, and my understanding of them.

I agree with this sentiment x2. The AP husband is a BS, like your wife. If the situation was reversed, would she want him to harbor such negative energy that you've gone on to have another daughter? Just something to put things in perspective. I get it's a trigger, but I hope your wife can come to realize it's not healthy for herself, or your marriage, to dwell on perceived punishments and sufferings of another.


Me - FWW (35)
Him - BH (34)
Kids - Ages 6, 8, 10
Married 13 years, together 18 years.
Last D-Day - November 2008

Posts: 772 | Registered: Jun 2010
solus sto
♀ Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 4:10 PM, August 31st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Responding to an emotional trigger often does not represent "harboring negative energy."

Triggers just are, and can arise even in those who have done hard work, forgiven, moved on, and doing everything possible to cope healthily.

The combat veteran who drops to the ground when a car backfires isn't "harboring negative energy." He's responding to a stimulus that is similar to a fight-or-flight situation in his past.

Same thing with post-affair triggers.

They are extremely unpleasant. We'd all avoid them if we could. But they are actual neurological events, bona fide physiological reactions. If we say things during the response to a trigger, it's really unwise and unfair it's not accurate to assume that you're hearing thoughts that are representative of our normal current emotional status---because we're literally being transported back to the time of the trauma, when those negative feelings were, pretty much, the only feelings we had.


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 53, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8841 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
TxsT
♀ Member
Member # 39996
Default  Posted: 4:51 PM, August 31st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Interesting topic. Salty, I am sorry that a bump has arrived on your horizon. As a RBS with 1 year in I know that the last thing either of you want is more GD bumps!!!! I too am tired of bumps and I am the BS!!!!

But I totally get your wife's reaction to this. I am very much like your wife. I will, until the day I die, not trust m y RWH's AP. She was the aggressor and she pursued her pray for almost 2 years before he gave in. She had an agenda for their A, and a horrible, acid marriage that she wanted to throw away, far far away. I will never wish any happiness on such a predator, she is getting EVERYTHING back at her in spades. Karma sucks and when you give off bad Karma it comes back to haunt you.

In my case the AP was a controlling, precise business Profesional who used her job and her expense account in inappropriate ways to chase my H around the world. Recently I found out she had been demoted to the lowest spot they could send her without firing her. Let me tell you, champagne was on me that night!!!!!! Yes, my hubby did a really stupid, shitty, selfish thing but I had a hand in allowing our marriage to go fallow and he came up against someone who would have NEVER taken no for an answer. He has been shocked to find out all the crap about her that she was very good at hiding. His shame comes from not only the A but from also feeling duped by his AP at the same time.....how is that for a sad story?

Give your wife a hug, keep up the great work, the bumps will become less high and fewer as we all push forward out of hell!

T

[This message edited by TxsT at 4:55 PM, August 31st (Saturday)]


Me: BS 50
Hubby: WH 53
Together: 32 years
Married: 25 years 09/10/2013
2 boys: 23&21
Dday: 09/11/2012
A length: 4+ years (yes years)
status: Ongoing Reconciliation :o)

Through thick and thin we will survive but he gets only one shot at it!


Posts: 605 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: CDN
TxsT
♀ Member
Member # 39996
Default  Posted: 4:54 PM, August 31st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Souls....well said. Having suffered so many PTSD symptoms are my H's A came out I now completely totally get what so many of dour veterans go through. The panic attacks and wide awake dreams nearly killed me!

T


Me: BS 50
Hubby: WH 53
Together: 32 years
Married: 25 years 09/10/2013
2 boys: 23&21
Dday: 09/11/2012
A length: 4+ years (yes years)
status: Ongoing Reconciliation :o)

Through thick and thin we will survive but he gets only one shot at it!


Posts: 605 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: CDN
salty_lt2
♂ New Member
Member # 33744
Default  Posted: 5:11 PM, August 31st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Triggers just are, and can arise even in those who have done hard work, forgiven, moved on, and doing everything possible to cope healthily.

And this is one of the most difficult things to get used to. Triggers do not occur because my BW is pissed directly at ME, but because they exist. I know that.

It certainly doesn't help the overall feeling of helplessness, though. Certainly, I'm far better off than before, but it still hurts to not be able to protect my BW or my family from (my own) evil.


Posts: 33 | Registered: Oct 2011
uncertainone
♀ Member
Member # 28108
Default  Posted: 5:52 PM, August 31st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The combat veteran who drops to the ground when a car backfires isn't "harboring negative energy." He's responding to a stimulus that is similar to a fight-or-flight situation in his past.

I'm sorry. I disagree with this. I found myself in JUST this situation. Riding in an elevator at work. Not having thought about my childhood terrors actively. Someone got on wearing the perfume my mother wore. I was paralyzed. Couldn't respond to questions or even move. My boss thought I was having a siezure and called 911.

Triggers are not "just are". They're unprocessed and unresolved injury and heightened vigilance not even known until they hit. It was horrific. Also helpful for me to understand a memory that was forgotten because of pain.

Talked about it with my SO and grieved it with a close friend. A cleansing light was allowed in and that memory robbed of it's terror.

These things are able to be worked through. They do absolutely represent unresolved past trauma. When enough has occurred over along enough period of time it does become part of your narrative but it can be processed and worked through so it no longer hobbles you...or scares your boss.


Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth


Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
caspers1wish
♀ Member
Member # 28720
Default  Posted: 6:30 PM, August 31st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree that triggers are unresolved trauma but also agree they just are, uh if that's possible. It's not why I disagree with the analogy of the veteran being the same as AP having a baby though, clearly I'm dense or something.

I am not saying the OP's wife's trigger is invalid, but to see it in a way that she can work through it and not have it be so upsetting. I get the "OW should never be happy again" sentiment and never have good things happen to her ever again. I understand it is upsetting and triggers emotional upset. I guess what I'm trying to say is that instead of seeing as OW getting something positive, think of the BH who is getting new joy in his life, something she has in common with him, not her. I don't know, now I'm not even making sense to me. I'm not saying it still isn't upsetting and unsettling.

Which brings me to the t/j and even why I wanted to respond. I'm sorry that happened to you, UO. I was wondering if you, now having dealt with the trigger, will not be triggered again in the presence of your mother's perfume? Which is why I believe some triggers can be just triggers, just are, no matter how you've worked through them. I have worked through many physical triggers from my abuse, they still happen, not crippled by them anymore, but still blips on the radar, still what I would consider triggers...please do not go testing the theory out. I was just wondering what you thought.


Me - FWW (35)
Him - BH (34)
Kids - Ages 6, 8, 10
Married 13 years, together 18 years.
Last D-Day - November 2008

Posts: 772 | Registered: Jun 2010
lostmylight55
♂ Member
Member # 33517
Default  Posted: 7:10 PM, August 31st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Salty_It2, it's hard when things are going well to have a setback. Sorry you both are having a difficult time.

But they are actual neurological events, bona fide physiological reactions. If we say things during the response to a trigger, it's really unwise and unfair it's not accurate to assume that you're hearing thoughts that are representative of our normal current emotional status---because we're literally being transported back to the time of the trauma, when those negative feelings were, pretty much, the only feelings we had.

I agree with this statement completely. My BW and I were just talking about this yesterday after a bad trigger. I can see the shift in her face when it's happening. She isn't in the present when she is triggering and there is very little I can say in the moment to pull her back. She has worked through IC with EMDR which has helped her a lot but the triggers are still there, not as frequent or severe as they used to be but still there at times. IMO There is no quick fix.


My Boundaries are firm: Trespassers will be shot on sight.

Posts: 89 | Registered: Oct 2011
uncertainone
♀ Member
Member # 28108
Default  Posted: 7:29 PM, August 31st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Casper's. Yes, I've worked through it. The smell will always be an issue but I am not a real fan of the whole "trigger" deal. I don't consider what happens to vets at triggers but a hard coded heightened awareness and vigilance that survival cemented.

The baby to me would be more of a continuous reminder of living with someone that has done something pretty traumatic and there not being enough consistency or change in patterns.

I was talking to a good SI friend about this the other day. How do you heal when even some of the old behaviors are still present. No matter now much you might want to its playing the same song over and over. I don't call those triggers but actually continued trauma's and injury.

I'm constantly amazed at the couples that can work through this shit.


Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth


Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
Topic Posts: 15

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