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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Beyond R for her
noglamour
♂ Member
Member # 40380
Default  Posted: 11:37 AM, August 31st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just got of the phone with my WS and she stated again this is beyond R for her.

It just hurts me trying to accept it and the same time I'm just mad at her for not trying to R.


Me: WS 38
Her: BS 37
6 year old
Married 9 years, together 11
DDay: 7/29/13

Posts: 65 | Registered: Aug 2013
HFSSC
♀ Member
Member # 33338
Default  Posted: 11:54 AM, August 31st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am going to be very careful and try to say this as gently as possible.

#1. You are INCREDIBLY brave to post this in Recon instead of Wayward. (Unless that was a mistake)

#2. You blew up her world. You destroyed her and the life she thought she had. WTH did you think was going to happen? That she would never find out? That she'd just pat your hand and say, "Okay! No harm, no foul!"

There are no do-overs in life, especially when it comes to infidelity. I get that it hurts you. But take that pain and multiply by 10,000 and you might be getting close to how she feels. You have no right to be angry that she doesn't want to R. You just don't.

Let go of the outcome. Decide right now that you want to be a better person. Not because it might bring her back. Not because you want to look good. But simply because you want to be a better person. Because regardless of what happens with your W, unless you plan to be abstinent and single for the rest of your life, you need to be a safe person for other people in your life. And you deserve to be the kind of man who can look yourself in the eye and be okay with that guy.


Me, 47
Him, 40 (JMSSC)
married 17 years. In R. We are making it. The past does not define who we are today.

Posts: 2787 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: South Carolina
Josephine01
♀ Member
Member # 38511
Default  Posted: 12:05 PM, August 31st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Noglamour, in order give information, i need to find out if you are a WS or a BS. You say you got of the phone with your WS, but your info says you are a WS.


Me, 42 BS
H, 61 WH
2 boys 19 and 15 years old
Married 24 years

Posts: 314 | Registered: Feb 2013
noglamour
♂ Member
Member # 40380
Default  Posted: 1:38 PM, August 31st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry, hard to keep up with all of the abbreviation.
She is the BS.

HFSSC, yes it was mistake, I posted in the wrong forum.

#2 You are right and Im trying to understand it all.

I do want to be better person and I'm focusing on that.

I was selfish and careless, I didn't think she would find out.


Me: WS 38
Her: BS 37
6 year old
Married 9 years, together 11
DDay: 7/29/13

Posts: 65 | Registered: Aug 2013
20WrongsVs1
♀ Member
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 2:00 PM, August 31st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

noglamour, I'll disagree slightly with HFSSC and assert that you have every right to feel angry, sad, and hurt.

But, when you say...

I'm just mad at her for not trying to R

...be careful. You feel angry and hurt when your BW says she's not considering R. Fine. But who are you mad at? Her? Really?

Be angry. Be hurt. But, understand that you are responsible for those emotions: not BW.

Your days of making decisions in your M, without consulting your BW, are over. Accept that and let go of the outcome. You could suddenly become the most remorseful, respectable, honest, caring man who ever walked the Earth. And BW could still refuse to consider R. If you're angry about that, your feelings are valid--but direct them toward the person who deserves the blame.


fWW: 42
BH: 52
DDay: April 21, 2013
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1236 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
tired girl
♀ Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 2:30 PM, August 31st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NG, what did you think was going to happen when you did this?

When we are unfaithful we give our spouses a lifetime ticket out of the M.
Consequences are a bitch.


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 5079 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
authenticnow
♀ Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 2:40 PM, August 31st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sometimes it's a dealbreaker for a BS. It's very hard to look back and realize, "WTF did I do???" and not be able to change it.

I understand your pain, but I agree that your anger is misdirected.

Letting go of the outcome is a good idea. Work on you, that is something you can control. You never know, maybe she'll change her mind, but do this for you. No matter what, you'll want to change your patterns and fix what it is that caused you to behave so destructively.


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 38085 | Registered: Sep 2007
salty_lt2
♂ New Member
Member # 33744
Default  Posted: 2:46 PM, August 31st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When we are unfaithful we give our spouses a lifetime ticket out of the M.

I don't believe this. If you both work at it -- hard -- then this isn't a "free" card to leave at any time. Especially after this amount of time has passed.

This sounds more like MC or IC for you guys, NG. If not, you (as the WS) are absolutely allowed to make the choice whether or not a sexless marriage is for you. "We" actually get choices in this process of R- don't forget that!

Good luck, and I send you support!


Posts: 33 | Registered: Oct 2011
Josephine01
♀ Member
Member # 38511
Default  Posted: 3:20 PM, August 31st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think an A gives the bs a lifetime ticket for ending the marriage. Unless of course it happens again or the agreements that BS and WS have made are not being met. However, a Betrayal such as taking on an AP does give the BS very good reason to get out of the marriage right then and there. Or, after trying R for sometime if she or he is not able to get past the A, it still gives the BS a ticket out.

noglamour, it's hard to think that you may have lost it all I'm sure. You admit that it was selfish and CARELESS could have multiple meanings for you so I won't comment on that. But, for your BS you didn't just do something selfish you took another woman into your life and, because you didn't think that she would find out, you did it without considering her. Her pain at the moment is unbearable so to be "mad at her for not trying to R" is unreasonable. She may in time change her mind, and she may not, but this anger is misplaced and it will not help you to win her back. Being remorseful and doing things to help yourself come out of this relationship stronger and more responsible could help.


Me, 42 BS
H, 61 WH
2 boys 19 and 15 years old
Married 24 years

Posts: 314 | Registered: Feb 2013
ccw82
♀ Member
Member # 40133
Default  Posted: 3:28 PM, August 31st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't believe this. If you both work at it -- hard -- then this isn't a "free" card to leave at any time. Especially after this amount of time has passed.

This sounds more like MC or IC for you guys, NG. If not, you (as the WS) are absolutely allowed to make the choice whether or not a sexless marriage is for you. "We" actually get choices in this process of R- don't forget that!

salty: I respectfully disagree. WSs made choices unbeknownst to the BSs, choices that were never wanted by the BS. Choices that the WS knew would cause great pain to the BS. There are times when all of the pain becomes too much for the BS, no matter how great AFTER DDay the WS was. My WH has been a model husband and father since DDay, but I still don't know whether R is in our cards. It's only been 2 1/2 months, so I'm feeling things out first. I am not going to spend my entire life in a trustless marriage because of something WH decided to do -- not ME. WH broke our marriage vows, not ME. I don't HAVE to R with him. I do agree that the WS has choices in R as well, but remember that it was the WS's actions that brought us here. If WS wants the chance to R, they must be willing to do anything the BS asks which includes space, time, and understanding.

noglamour: I don't know when your DDay was, but give her some time. As the BW, I can say that there were moments when I angrily told WH to pack his stuff and leave, and 15 minutes later was crying and asking him to stay. I don't know what tomorrow will bring, but today we've had a good day so far. Yesterday was good as well. The two days preceding Friday I was asking him to leave again. The emotions are crazy! Just give her what she needs and wants right now, and that's all you can do.


Me: 31
WH (1DumbHusband): 35
Married 5 years, together 7 years.
D-Day: June 17th, 2013
TTs that came out as late as January 2014

"One is not tempted by that he does not want."


Posts: 136 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Dallas, TX
tired girl
♀ Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 5:51 PM, August 31st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

T/J,

Salty I think you may be thinking of another situation.
end T/J

When I say free pass out what I mean is that at any point the BS may decide that they cannot do R, this will never be a decision that the WS can force on the BS, we have forever taken that out of our hands and we have to let go of the outcomes. We need to work on ourselves for the sake of wanting to be a better person, not simply to save our M.

NG,

You made a decision about your M when you brought in a third person, and you did not inform your W ahead of time. Now your W gets to make a decision for her life based on what you did.

Right now, figure out why your angry. I think you will be surprised.


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 5079 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
noglamour
♂ Member
Member # 40380
Default  Posted: 6:47 PM, August 31st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

20WrongsVs1,
YOu are right, I only have myself to blame. I'm upset with myself for doing this and not realizing how serious this was.

tired girl,
I was not thinking of the consequences. i have to blame me.

authenticnow.
agreed.

salty_lt2,
thank you

ccw82,
it was a month ago. it has been a roller coaster ride. I'm not staying at our house.

I understand cheating is cheating, but at the same time I pray she will give me another chance.
Mine was not a PA, it was EA if you could call it that.


Me: WS 38
Her: BS 37
6 year old
Married 9 years, together 11
DDay: 7/29/13

Posts: 65 | Registered: Aug 2013
tired girl
♀ Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 6:56 PM, August 31st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

it was EA if you could call it that.

What's important is if your W feels that this is what happened. Are you minimizing what happened?

I know this is hard. This may be a deal breaker, or she may need more time. The important thing right now is to focus on supporting her in what she needs and working on fixing you.


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 5079 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
noglamour
♂ Member
Member # 40380
Default  Posted: 7:22 PM, August 31st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

tired girl,
Yes, I'm trying to minimize it.

But yes, right now I need to focus on me. I did 2 IC sessions but I'm going to look for someone new.

I can focus on me and try to understand why I did what I did. I realize it won't fix what I already broke but it will help me to identify it in the future.

I have also joined the gym and will start eating more healthy.


Me: WS 38
Her: BS 37
6 year old
Married 9 years, together 11
DDay: 7/29/13

Posts: 65 | Registered: Aug 2013
Topic Posts: 14

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