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New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: I think I'm broken
Too_Trusting
♀ Member
Member # 99
Default  Posted: 6:52 AM, September 1st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Eranda, I'm right there with you. And, I don't think either of us is "broken". After awhile, I think we just get tired of the bullshit to be honest. I know that's what happened to me.

I'm an even "older-timer" than you, so no, this isn't infidelity-related. After my last serious relationship ended when my SO died, I learned about his dishonesty. At that point, it was a like a switch got flipped, and I just said "enough". I just decided to focus on me, my life, and doing what makes ME happy. I'm not bitter or grieving; I'm doing what I want, when I want, and how I want.

I decided that a relationship would just complicate MY life and I've decided I literally just can't be bothered. I know I'm not explaining this well, but I feel like I'm in the most healthy relationship I've had in my adult life - it is with me!

And I'm perfectly fine being by myself for the rest of my life. I have my family, great friends, my pets, hobbies, and I want to start my own business. Just because none of those plans involve a love relationship doesn't make it "wrong". It just makes it what works for me.

This switch got flipped almost 7 years ago, and truly, I haven't had even a remote desire to date or have a love interest. I don't think this is a "phase" for me.

[This message edited by Too_Trusting at 6:54 AM, September 1st (Sunday)]


"Anyone perfect must be lying; anything easy has its cost. Anyone plain can be lovely; anyone loved can be lost." Barenaked Ladies

Posts: 2482 | Registered: Jun 2002 | From: North Carolina
Eranda
♀ Member
Member # 6010
Default  Posted: 9:09 AM, September 1st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

After awhile, I think we just get tired of the bullshit to be honest.

That's definitely it. Every time I've been in a relationship I eventually find out what a mess that person was... and I think "why do I even bother, people are just pathetic". Seems my real problem is that I'm not good at seeing through the bullshit to start with- I automatically assume that people are what they say they are. It's a natural instinct that has not served me well.

At that point, it was a like a switch got flipped, and I just said "enough".

That's exactly how I feel- like I just don't care about caring anymore. I truly don't believe that there is anyone in this world who won't eventually disappoint me with their shallowness, or their immaturity, or their dishonesty of some kind. I know that I am not easy to handle, but I have just come to the conclusion that there is no man on the planet who can give me what I want and need, so there is no sense wasting time weeding through the assholes trying to find one.

And I hear about people who have lifetime love, or who "love deeply", and I think "that's not real, they're making that up". Because I cannot imagine ever having that or feeling that. I really believe that it's either not real- or so rare as to be almost unattainable.

I'm not bitter or grieving; I'm doing what I want, when I want, and how I want.

This is how I expect to see myself soon. I don't feel angry, or like this is a reaction to the end of this last relationship. It's more than that- it's who I am now. Thanks for understanding.


My Blog: http://allofthewaystohell.com/

Posts: 4229 | Registered: Dec 2004 | From: eastern PA
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 11:47 AM, September 1st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think you're broken at all Eranda. I think you are changed. And how could you not be? We all are, in our own ways.

I don't feel angry, or like this is a reaction to the end of this last relationship. It's more than that- it's who I am now.
I understand this, too. To me, the important thing is to find a place where you feel at peace with yourself. Your place may not be the same as other people's, and that's ok.


You can call me NIK

"If you carry joy in your heart, you can heal any moment."
- Carlos Santana


Posts: 25776 | Registered: Aug 2011
painpaingoaway
♀ Member
Member # 27196
Default  Posted: 12:45 PM, September 1st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Eranda, it sounds to me like you are experiencing depression. It's that 'empty' feeling that you described. Like something was surgically removed.

Maybe? Maybe not? I don't know, but might be worth checking with a doc.


me BS female 56/him WS 59
Married 33 years
D-day July 09/he gave me his slut's STD
Watch my movie: "My wayward husband's adventures in STD land":
Episode 1: youtu.be/9Jv0-d_CdYc
Episode 2: http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=8Tz822H82Gk

Posts: 7102 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Coastal South
click4it
♀ Member
Member # 209
Default  Posted: 1:54 PM, September 1st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Eranda quitting smoking can cause a lot of homornal shift in our body. There is debate on whether it can cause depression, but I remember a friend of mine going through a rough time when she quit and had all these different feelings she hadn't had before. I am going through this myself right now. so, I just want to throw this out there that this *might* be why you are feeling the way you do right now.


Me: 42
Two boys: 17 and 14
Divorced 12-13-05
d-day 10-02-01

Laughter will cure life's ills. Have you had your laugh today?


Posts: 25628 | Registered: Jun 2002 | From: California
ruinedandbroken
♀ Member
Member # 29250
Default  Posted: 3:20 PM, September 1st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Seems my real problem is that I'm not good at seeing through the bullshit to start with- I automatically assume that people are what they say they are. It's a natural instinct that has not served me well.

Same here

I truly don't believe that there is anyone in this world who won't eventually disappoint me with their shallowness, or their immaturity, or their dishonesty of some kind. I know that I am not easy to handle, but I have just come to the conclusion that there is no man on the planet who can give me what I want and need, so there is no sense wasting time weeding through the assholes trying to find one.

Yup.


“People who cheat feel that life is for the taking, and that everyone deserves happiness no matter what the cost. I must remember these tricks if I ever have my soul surgically removed."
Me: BS 42. Him: WH 41 2 Kids 6&9
Married 14 yrs Together 21

Posts: 1575 | Registered: Aug 2010
homewrecked2011
♀ Member
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 9:06 PM, September 1st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't want to put the effort into anyone. I don't want to be hurt when it ends. I have taken care of other people for years. I want to take care of my feelings, my heart for now.

I LOVE guys, I love their humor, their straightforwardness, etc. I want a guy friend, but NO boyfriend for a long long time.


me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed

Posts: 2217 | Registered: Jan 2012
Eranda
♀ Member
Member # 6010
Default  Posted: 7:05 PM, September 2nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Click, you could be right- but it's been 4 months already... maybe that time has passed?

Who knows...


My Blog: http://allofthewaystohell.com/

Posts: 4229 | Registered: Dec 2004 | From: eastern PA
downunder
♀ Member
Member # 16631
Default  Posted: 10:02 PM, September 2nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Count me in this club too.

A couple of things happened today which confirmed my feelings.

Saw a doctor and she told me 'there are a lot of std's in this area' including 'happily married couples'. I live in a very small town. Hardly makes me want to put myself 'out there'.

Ran into a friend, another exhausted single mum. All she wanted was one day off instead of seeing her boyfriend. He wants to move in when his lease runs out. BTDT. I was constantly telling then SO he wasn't moving in.
I can't see the point in finding anyone either. Have been let down way too many times.




Posts: 609 | Registered: Oct 2007
click4it
♀ Member
Member # 209
Default  Posted: 11:35 PM, September 2nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

that's when my friend had this happen to her - at the 4 month mark...

me i'm 2 months out and feeling pretty out of sorts so I'm kinda worried about the 4 month mark...


Me: 42
Two boys: 17 and 14
Divorced 12-13-05
d-day 10-02-01

Laughter will cure life's ills. Have you had your laugh today?


Posts: 25628 | Registered: Jun 2002 | From: California
Eranda
♀ Member
Member # 6010
Default  Posted: 6:54 PM, September 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Don't know, Click, you might be right... I guess time will tell.

I just don't see it that way right now- but you never know.

I've already decided that I will never live with someone again (tried that twice and it failed both times). This is MY house and it's where I will stay- ALONE. What mine is mine- and what's mine is mine. That's all there is to it.

I will never leave this house to live with someone. That's WAY too risky. This house is my refuge and my cash cow. It's everything I own in the world, and I will never give it up. The one time I did leave and moved in with someone, I rented out my house to a friend of a friend.

Despite all the damage she did to my house, I still do not regret keeping it and not selling to move in with him. Because when the time came, I had MY house to come home to. That was worth its weight in gold, believe me.

Never again. I live here and this is where I will stay.



My Blog: http://allofthewaystohell.com/

Posts: 4229 | Registered: Dec 2004 | From: eastern PA
click4it
♀ Member
Member # 209
Default  Posted: 9:49 PM, September 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are correct, that is YOUR home and there is no reason why it shouldn't say that way...and you know I'm going to say a but....there might come a time where you will want to share your home with someone. Not give, but share. And maybe not. You never know.

Believe me, I know the alone thing you are talking about. I truly believe that I am now going to be alone for the rest of my life. No matter which I try or don't try, it seems the universe says "nope" this is the way its going to stay now. Some days I'm ok with that, others I'm not.

I think I would happy if I had a "golden girls" arrangement because at least I'd have friendly company, but still be my own person.


Me: 42
Two boys: 17 and 14
Divorced 12-13-05
d-day 10-02-01

Laughter will cure life's ills. Have you had your laugh today?


Posts: 25628 | Registered: Jun 2002 | From: California
Eranda
♀ Member
Member # 6010
Default  Posted: 8:19 AM, September 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

there might come a time where you will want to share your home with someone.

Nope, never again. I won't live with anyone under any circumstances either. It's not worth the headaches or the inevitable end. It's just not.

As I told a dear friend the other day, I'm not good at weeding out the bullshit people try to feed me, so I need to be aware of that and limit my exposure to it.

That means not believing a word of what people say to me. Of course... then I get accused of being too cynical or not trusting enough. HA. No freaking wonder, eh?

Trust for me is non-existant, except with my immediate family.


My Blog: http://allofthewaystohell.com/

Posts: 4229 | Registered: Dec 2004 | From: eastern PA
click4it
♀ Member
Member # 209
Default  Posted: 2:18 PM, September 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You know that saying "Never say Never"...well, there it is.

That is how you feel NOW. But you don't know how you will feel 6 months from now, a year from now, 2 years from now. Believe me I need to listen to my own words right now, because I feel almost the same way you do. I truly believe I am never going to have a partner in my life EVER again. But....who knows.


Me: 42
Two boys: 17 and 14
Divorced 12-13-05
d-day 10-02-01

Laughter will cure life's ills. Have you had your laugh today?


Posts: 25628 | Registered: Jun 2002 | From: California
hexed
♀ Member
Member # 19258
Default  Posted: 2:22 PM, September 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Eranda - I know you've refuted this but I Keep coming back to how little time you haven't been in a relationship since your D. 7 years out of 8 you've been in a relationship. Maybe some time alone will change things. Maybe there is still healing to be done from the D as well as healing from the the more recent relationships?


But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler


Posts: 8460 | Registered: Apr 2008
Eranda
♀ Member
Member # 6010
Default  Posted: 6:31 PM, September 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just to clear things up:

X left in November of 2004. I was alone until February of 2007.
Relationship Feb 2007-May 2010. Alone from May 2010 until January 2011.
Relationship from January 2011-March 2011.
Alone March 2011-September 2011.
Relationship September 2011- August 2013.

Out of 106 months, I've been alone for 43 months, if I'm doing my math right. That's 40% of the time since my marriage ended. I didn't date until 16 months after my divorce was final- and that was only at the urging of my parents because they thought I was becoming too solitary. Never less than 7 months between relationships- so it's not like I jumped from one to another.


My Blog: http://allofthewaystohell.com/

Posts: 4229 | Registered: Dec 2004 | From: eastern PA
damncutekitty
♀ Member
Member # 5929
Default  Posted: 6:35 PM, September 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You have been through a lot in the last several years. Maybe you are broken. That does not mean it's permanent.


Keep calm and carry on.

Posts: 49482 | Registered: Nov 2004 | From: Minneapolis
Eranda
♀ Member
Member # 6010
Default  Posted: 8:07 PM, September 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry I had to come back because I'm afraid that timeline sounded snarky and I didn't want it to.

Apologies to hexed.

DCK, that list doesn't include:

- moving to another city and renting out my house for a year +, then coming back to find it trashed.

- losing my kids in a very expensive and painful custody battle to my ex and the OW, because I wanted to move on with my life. Now I pay them child support and I see my kids EOW and one night a week.

- tongue cancer

- more abuse from the ex than I can remember

- writing and self-publishing a book

- four jobs

- almost two years of therapy

there's so much more, I can't even remember it all.

I'm tired.


My Blog: http://allofthewaystohell.com/

Posts: 4229 | Registered: Dec 2004 | From: eastern PA
caregiver9000
♀ Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 9:29 PM, September 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((Eranda))))

Well, yeah...

Who would not be tired!? Good grief girl, be tired! Take a break. Self love. Be alone and BE for awhile.

Tired doesn't mean broken. Tired means TIRED. Course if you keep grinding on and on while you are tired, you just might break something.

There is absolutely nothing wrong about viewing a relationship as MORE WORK (ahem, yes, they are aren't they?) that you just don't have the time or energy for right now.

You are one kick ass chick. And in all that list of tired making shit, are some pretty fine accomplishments. Not that accomplishments can fill the energy tank, but at least feel good about some of what has drained it!


Me: 44, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5861 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
Pentup
♀ Member
Member # 20563
Default  Posted: 10:22 PM, September 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Add to that list, chronic hip pain. Tired sounds more likely than broken. Take care of yourself!


Me- BS
Him- FWS (I hope- F)

Posts: 6605 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Not Oz
Topic Posts: 43
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