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New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: I think I'm broken
Eranda
♀ Member
Member # 6010
Default  Posted: 6:25 AM, August 31st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was sitting in my car earlier today, waiting to pick up my daughter and her friend from a movie. I was fiddling around with my phone, and I came across an article about success in marriage.

It talked about how your spouse has to be your best friend, and how you have to love deeply.

And I realized... I don't think I can do that anymore.

I don't mean that I don't want to, or that I can't bring myself to do it. I mean I think I'm incapable of loving anyone. At all.

No, I don't mean my children or my family- I'm fine with that. I mean romantically.

I cannot even imagine ever feeling like that again. In fact, I can't even imagine what it would feel like. It's like that part of me is broken and disconnected from the rest of me. It used to be there- but now it's not anymore.

This is the weirdest feeling- like I've had surgery and it's been removed. Just... gone.

I'm not upset about it, or worried. When I think about it, it just IS. Like I'm looking at it from outside myself and saying "huh. used to be there, but now it's not".

Every man I see seems strange, and slightly menacing. Dangerous. Not worth the time or effort. Not interesting in any way.

I'm old enough to know that I have a future, but I can't picture anyone else in it- because I can't picture myself even being patient enough to try to care about someone.

It's just... poof. Gone. This is weird, and new for me.

Lately all I want to be is alone. I don't want to talk to many people, I keep to myself at work. I have stopped carpooling for a while. I am relieved when the day is over and I can get in my car and be alone again. I come home to my empty house and it makes me sad and happy at the same time.

I'm not sure what to make of this, but I feel like something important inside of me is irretrievably broken, and that maybe it will never come back.
And I'm not sure I even care.

How weird is that?

[This message edited by Eranda at 6:27 AM, August 31st (Saturday)]


My Blog: http://allofthewaystohell.com/

Posts: 4229 | Registered: Dec 2004 | From: eastern PA
Bluebird26
♀ Member
Member # 36445
Default  Posted: 7:00 AM, August 31st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's not weird. I feel exactly the same way. I crave peace.

I have no interest in dating or finding someone else or having to deal with the hurt again. People think I'm strange

Maybe in a few years this will change but right now I'm ok with being alone forever.


"Loving someone should not mean losing you. Love empowers you. It shouldn't erase you. - Thelma Davis.

Posts: 1363 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Australia
nomistakeaboutit
♂ Member
Member # 36857
Default  Posted: 7:05 AM, August 31st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes. This is basically how I feel, too.

Part of loving romantically is releasing control, trusting and becoming vulnerable. Uhhhh...right now and as far as I can see.....no thanks.


Me: BH 58.........Her: WW 45
DD: 8..........DS: 5
Married for six years.
DDay: 12-25-11 Divorced: 7-15-12
...................................
"It's like a nightmare within a nightmare, which in and of itself is a nightmare!"

Posts: 963 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: U.S.A.
LearningToRun
♀ Member
Member # 31353
Default  Posted: 7:17 AM, August 31st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

From my reading, I recall this disconnected feeling is one of the stages of grief. I think it was in the book "rebuilding after your relationship ends"

Don't worry, it's normal and it passes. And one day you are making out again like a teenager.


Posts: 282 | Registered: Feb 2011
Ann124
♀ Member
Member # 29289
Default  Posted: 7:18 AM, August 31st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well written Eranda, I feel exactly the same way. And I don't find it to be a "bad" feeling either, not weird or anything of that nature

Posts: 387 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Back Home ... And feeling Great!!
cmego
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 8:07 AM, August 31st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I felt like that in the beginning. Every now and then that "lethal plane of flatness" hits, but it is rare and fleeting.

But, the others are right, when you are healed enough, and the right person walks into your life...you find you can care about someone again. I find it to be different, I am more cautious, but in a way...I respect a good relationship even more now.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4187 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
Eranda
♀ Member
Member # 6010
Default  Posted: 8:21 AM, August 31st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey guys, look at my member number- I'm an old-timer. Registered here in 2004.

I've been divorced since 2005. Have a had a number of relationships since then, two serious ones (one almost 5 years, and one 2 years).

So this is not due to not being "healed" from infidelity- that happened a LOONG time ago...

I just ended my second post-divorce relationship, and this is how I feel.

So... it's not related to hurt from the infidelity/divorce. This is just how I am now, I think.


My Blog: http://allofthewaystohell.com/

Posts: 4229 | Registered: Dec 2004 | From: eastern PA
Helen of Troy
♀ Member
Member # 26419
Default  Posted: 8:30 AM, August 31st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just ended my second post-divorce relationship, and this is how I feel.

Is it possible you're grieving the end of this last relationship? even if it's not infidelity related.


Posts: 4719 | Registered: Dec 2009
hexed
♀ Member
Member # 19258
Default  Posted: 8:34 AM, August 31st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((eranda))

I love and live differently now than I used to. I'm far more analytical about it in my relationship. Why? because I know now that it takes a heck of a lot more than love to make a relationship work. And maybe that's what people lump in together to mean 'love deeply' is that everything else...trust and respect too.

I don't really know. I just know its different now and it is what it is.


But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler


Posts: 8462 | Registered: Apr 2008
Williesmom
♀ Member
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 8:37 AM, August 31st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yep, after my D I was in this mode for about a year. I called it sexually and emotionally dormant.

For me, it's a self-protective move.


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7781 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
inconnu
♀ Member
Member # 24518
Default  Posted: 8:46 AM, August 31st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So... it's not related to hurt from the infidelity/divorce. This is just how I am now, I think.

So, maybe you've had all the relationships you were meant to have. Or maybe this is just the aftermath of getting out of an emotionally draining relationship. Maybe this is the way you're telling yourself to take time for yourself, and focus on what brings you joy.

It's your life, hon. Feel what you feel. Take the time to distance yourself from the end of this last relationship. If you still feel like you want to be alone and not around other people, then maybe there's an issue you might need help working through. But for now, it sounds like to me that you just need some down time, and time to recharge without other people around to drain you.


Say what you wanna say and let the words fall out...honestly
I wanna see you be brave

Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than, less than perfect


Posts: 12168 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: DeepInTheHeartOf, TX
SBB
♀ Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 9:13 AM, August 31st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Part of loving romantically is releasing control, trusting and becoming vulnerable. Uhhhh...right now and as far as I can see.....no thanks.

^^THIS for me. But it is also that I think I'm content with never risking it again. The payoff wasn't that great.

I think I'm going end up being the biggest love of my life. I think I am supposed to be.

TBH I didn't really risk it the first time. I thought I was I was safe because....I don't know.... I was never fully vulnerable. He was safe to me because of that.

Until I had children. By then it was too late. I used to wonder if I felt trapped by the kids. It was one of those ugly thoughts that good mothers aren't supposed to have. But it wasn't them - I felt trapped "to" him if that makes sense.

Only when I felt vulnerable did I start noticing (TBH, acknowledging) how far I had settled beneath what anyone deserved. This wasn't how it was supposed to be, not how it was supposed to feel.

I honestly cannot see it. I simply cannot imagine myself feeling vulnerable again. Much like I cannot see myself having more children.

I don't think that makes me broken in that way. I definitely was a year ago, and for the decade prior, years prior too.

I actually think I'm becoming whole. I think it will take me the rest of my life to get there in a "journey not destination" kind of way.

It might sound weird but I am still fascinated by men. I don't fear them. I don't find them menacing. I think a majority are soft and gentle and lovely. I think they are hard to read even though I feel I can get the noisy ones' measure pretty quickly it is the non-jazz handed ones that are harder to read and get to know. I just don't want to keep one. Not because of them - because I am infinitely happier this way.


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5619 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
better4me
♀ Member
Member # 30341
Default  Posted: 11:31 AM, August 31st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's like that part of me is broken and disconnected from the rest of me. It used to be there- but now it's not anymore
Part of what works for me is to focus on the "here and now" and not the future. So, if this is where you are now, accept it and try not to see it as "broken" just another emotion, another part of being human. It may not be forever, and even if it is forever, it may not be a bad thing or a good thing...just a thing.

I would think a little bit more about the isolation thing though...isolating from co workers etc. Research shows that people "do" better (are healthier, stay mentally sharp) when they have relationships with other people. That part sounds slightly more concerning to me than your not wanting/needing a relationship. with a man. Are there people you used to like doing things with? Is isolating healthy for you?


DDay 11/17/2010 BW:52
Divorced

Posts: 3216 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Iowa
hexed
♀ Member
Member # 19258
Default  Posted: 11:38 AM, August 31st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

you've been in relationships for 7 of the 8 years since your D. Maybe you do just need some more time to heal from all of it?


But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler


Posts: 8462 | Registered: Apr 2008
phmh
♀ Member
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 12:17 PM, August 31st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As we say here all the time, too, though, it's not just time, it's what you do with the time. If you have been in relationships almost all of your post-divorce time, maybe you haven't healed yet.

But if you're happy with that, I don't think it's necessary to label yourself broken. If that's the way you want to live, good for you for recognizing that and not bending to what society says makes someone happy.


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

Character is destiny


Posts: 3410 | Registered: Dec 2011
tryingagain74
♀ Member
Member # 33698
Default  Posted: 12:33 PM, August 31st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It sounds to me like you just need a break, not that you're broken.

I feel the same way, although I am not nearly as far out from my D as you are. I have a lot going on in my life with work, my kids, caring for my home, etc. The thought of bringing someone new into that really isn't appealing right now. I'm enjoying my space, and I love having silent downtime where I'm not expected to call anyone or to go out on dates. I just don't want that right now, but I think I'm still capable of loving someone... some day.

I think you are as well, but you just don't want to at present. You just want time with yourself, but we live in a culture that treats that as though there's something wrong with you. We're encouraged to socialize, go out with people, try to make new friends... while those are all good things, sometimes they're not always what we need at a given moment.

You're not weird. I'm sure that there are more people out there who feel the way that you do than you think. We just don't talk about it much in a society where people are hyper about coupling up... I mean, my D was JUST final two months ago, and a friend asked me if I've started dating again! I was kind of shocked by that... as though being single is some sort of illness that must be treated by dating.


BS (Me) 39
Happily liberated!
Two DS and One DD
It matters not how strait the gate,/How charged with punishments the scroll./I am the master of my fate:/I am the captain of my soul.--"Invictus," William Ernest Henley

Posts: 3623 | Registered: Oct 2011
Phoenix1
♀ Member
Member # 38928
Default  Posted: 1:43 PM, August 31st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel very much the same way, but I am perfectly at ease with it. I enjoy my solitude and there are many things I enjoy doing by myself. I do not believe I will ever trust again, and that is OK. I am fairly confident I will never marry again, and that is OK too. I had told my mother years earlier that if my H ever died I would never remarry as once in a lifetime was enough for me. She understood and said she felt the same way. So the divorce puts me in that same frame of mind. I enjoy my alone time, doing things I like to do. Some people can't stand being alone, like my WH. It won't be long before he remarries because he hates being alone. I may one day, in the far future, find companionship, but never marriage. That suits me just fine, and I am now looking forward to living my life my way and on my own terms. I see nothing broken or wrong with feeling that way.


BS - Me
XPOS - too many OW/OCs over 20+yrs
Kids - DDs 23,18 -DS20 Deceased
M Dissolved 2013

This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man ~ Shakespeare, Hamlet


Posts: 1206 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Rising out of Hell's ashes!
tabitha95
♀ Member
Member # 22033
Default  Posted: 3:42 PM, August 31st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Some of that disconnect from people and wanting to be alone may be mild-depression or anxiety.

When I was suffering from extreme anxiety, I pulled myself away from a lot of people. It was too stressful.

Just something to consider.


BW (me) - 45
DS 14, DS 11
D-Day#1: Oct 30, 2008
D-Day#2: June 3, 2011 (same MOW) Separation: June 3, 2011
Divorce finalized: Feb 2012 (due to 6 month waiting period).

Posts: 3250 | Registered: Dec 2008
caregiver9000
♀ Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 4:06 PM, August 31st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

just gone, like surgery. Yep, I understand that! But I am still "interested" in that I wonder if there is any level or even amount of time I would give to just the right mix of appealing? I have dated, had a couple of relationships. But like SBB says, the payoff just wasn't that great. I really like just hanging out with me and doing MY thing when I want.

If your reaction is anxiety induced and not just a place you have gotten to in your life, especially given the pulling back from carpool and other interactions with people, keep an eye on it. I have been told it is how agoraphobia starts. I believe it, because there are days I think, "wouldn't THAT be nice?"

(((Eranda)))


Me: 44, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5864 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
ruinedandbroken
♀ Member
Member # 29250
Default  Posted: 8:57 PM, August 31st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah. I get it. I'm broken too. I'm absolutely sure of it. I have not dated since Dday 3 years ago. I can't bring myself to do it. And I'm scared to death of being alone forever. But idk how to fix the part of me that died. :(


“People who cheat feel that life is for the taking, and that everyone deserves happiness no matter what the cost. I must remember these tricks if I ever have my soul surgically removed."
Me: BS 42. Him: WH 41 2 Kids 6&9
Married 14 yrs Together 21

Posts: 1575 | Registered: Aug 2010
Topic Posts: 43
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