I have seen my WH interact with our daughter from day 1, and I refuse to see him as anything except a great dad. Sure, during the A I might as well have been a single mom. He was absentee, even when he was here. But before and after the A? I couldn't have asked for a more loving, attentive father for my little girl. And I'm not gonna lie, it's a huge part of my decision to stay.
He may be a shitty husband sometimes (and during the A he was a pretty shitty dad), but he insists that he is committed to this M, and he has certainly shown that he is committed to being there for his daughter. I think it just might be the most important reason I still love him....
married 2y, together 2.5y
1 beautiful daughter, 23m
"Someday soon, I'm going to put my life together; Win or lose, I'm starting over again."
Having said that, it doesn't change that the A is a ridiculously poor parenting choice. Not only does a cheater sacrifice their presence with the kiddos, they also sacrifice the family in general. And put BS in a tailspin that compromises their parenting.
Whether we see it or not now, As wreak havoc on kids. Big time. No amount of good parenting before or after can erase that. It can make it better, but it doesn't erase it.
I get riled up at my WH about his A when I look in the big brown eyes of my children. They are "too young to remember" but I don't think for a minute this didn't affect them. And I hate WH for that during some moments.
But I agree - a big part of staying with WH is that I think we are a rockstar parenting team. Very in tune with one another. It'd be hard to find someone else like that. And, frankly, it makes me fall harder in love with him.
[This message edited by RockyMtn at 9:22 PM, August 30th (Friday)]
Wh was a shitty h and dad during his affair. He has to live with that everyday.
He has to face our daughters
Together 20yrs married 16 yrs
2 kids, now 17 & 14
Gutted wife: now 36
Cheating lying husband: now 35
Married old whore: now 48
My stbx is a *great*(ish) dad. When he is with the kids he is tuned in with them, engaged with them, and involved with them.
My stbx as a *father*? Not so much. I see a *father* as the one that imparts the morals and whatnot. A father is the one that teaches the kids the *life lessons*. In that aspect my stbx has failed miserably......and my kids have noticed.
Krazy, don't focus on what type of dad your WH is. Focus on whether he is able to attain the relationship skills that will lead to a fulfilling life-long union with him because the kids will grow up and move away to their own lives someday....and, to be blunt, you'll be stuck your WH.
In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.
I think that it is fair to say that when others are judging a WS as being a bad father/mother, they are taking about when they were in the affair. Just as mentioned that a recovering addict was not a good parent during their time of usage, it is just that---a judgement of a time period---that most are referring to.
All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day: 9/18/09 D-Day#2: 2/19/10 The Marriage Killer: 6/6/11
Heading for D
Granted I was angered for a while that she spent time the kids deserved to pursue her own satisfaction.
a big part of staying with WH is that I think we are a rockstar parenting team. Very in tune with one another. It'd be hard to find someone else like that. And, frankly, it makes me fall harder in love with him.
^This. Especially the last sentence. I love watching them together. He adores her, and she has him wrapped around his little finger. My heart melts when I watch them play, or snuggle. I'll admit though, it triggers me sometimes too. Because he is so awesome with her, and I never would have imagined he'd do anything to hurt her.
Now that we are D he is a complete fuckup in the dad department. Our oldest challenged his views of his A and told him the OW is a whore when he tried to describe her as a sweetheart. He got angry and defensive towards her, and they have not spoken or seen each other since 2011. Now he has completely disowned her (this now adult child of mine, he became her Dad when she was 6 months old and did adopt her as well). Who fucking does that??
Our other daughter has spent ONE day with her father since March. And that was only because it was Fathers Day and I forced her to go. She was and is so hurt and angry at him that even his promises of puppies and presents do NOTHING for her.
He takes my son EOW, and is a complete Disney Dad. Jet skiing, bowling, shooting, eating out, poker games, etc... Runs the kid ragged and sends him home utterly exhausted. Oh, and then tells him "a few things about your mother..." things a 10 year old has no business knowing. (Things I did as a teenager, stupid decisions I made, told his bio kids their older sister isn't really their sister because she has another dad... Shit like this.)
Despicable behavior. Screws with their heads. Fucks with their perception of family and their reality. Great timing for that!! All the while I keep defending their dad, encouraging them (ALL) to call, text, go visit with him.
So you see, he may appear to be wrapped around her little finger now, but just wait until she is old enough to challenge him. Sometimes the blinders are really tight and you can only see what you hope to see.
My hope is that you do have one of the good ones. I know another dad who's ex is a WW and he is just like you've described- over involved, caring, interested in the kids. It's not about him. It's about his kids.