The strange thing is that I find myself running through thoughts of reconciliation in my mind. Not that I want it, my freedom for the past 10 months has given me time to reflect on how shit the relationship truly was, but rather its more like if I did want to consider it what would be my factors/rules.
The ‘before I thought of reconciling’ rules are such that I am 99.99% confident couldn’t happen, he wouldn’t be capable. Let alone the ‘going into a relationship again with you’ rules, which again he wouldn’t be capable of.
Is this normal? I guess for me at the moment I am cycling through the potential I saw for him (just now starting to realise this is the main reason I stayed so long because, (once he grew up and matured), he could be a wonderful human being. I have since realised and accepted that whilst a person may have the potential it amounts to nothing if they don’t realise it for themselves.. I am also looking into why I thought his successes might reflect well on me and provide validation.
Curious if anyone else started compiling a list of reconciliation rules/boundaries whilst going through divorce. I wonder if it is a coping mechanism to help you to see that there really is no hope and maybe that is what is dying (the hope) that I feel.
"I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel". –Maya Angelou
"When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be". –
I did waste quite a bit of time searching for clues that the man I thought I married was in there somewhere. I was bitterly disappointed. I no longer hope for it but I would be lying if I said it wouldn't be nice to know that I wasn't so completely fucking wrong.
The dreaded 'what ifs' are completely normal and is something you may need to actively stop yourself from doing if it has become a habit.
I don't daydream about him anymore, I daydream about my own future. Watching my girls grow, adventures I'd like to have with them, my future relationships etc.
I also completely relate to 'potential'. So much. I think that is pretty common too.
I am sad that during that M I spent so much time focussing on his potential and far too little on mine.
When he wanted R, my financial security was my main thought. I asked him to sign a post-nup that would treat me fairly if I gave up my job to follow him to another city. Just make me whole, if he cheated again. If he didn't cheat and we divorced for other reasons, the post-nup wouldn't come into play.
He refused, saying it was punitive. That was the last time I ever even thought of R with him.
Married: 11 years, no kids
The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark. -Michelangelo
I took a solo vacation and on the drive back I kept having the same thought. "I don't want to be with a person that is capable of doing this to another person." I don't want to live the life checking Facebook, checking phone records, checking emails. I don't want to hear her say "get over it already" when I have bad times. The things that I want out of life are now impossible with her. She's almost 40. We had been trying to start a family. Now there is no way I'd drag a child into this mess. I love my wife more than I've loved any other person or thing in the world. That is why I have to move on. I don't want a false R. She wronged me so deeply that I now can begin to let her go. I have to learn to untangle "us" and think about "me". I want to (eventually) find a woman who wants the same things in life that I do. One that will be trustworthy, strong, sharing, unselfish. All the things my STBX isn't.
The woman I married is gone. The person she has become is an unacceptable partner. Borderline human being.
Love and strength to you
R is NOT on the cards, I am strictly NC except for progressing settlement - which is business only via email only. I do not know what is going on in his life and I do not want to.
I think the 'R list' is on my mind because I am finally getting to an end now that he is also working towards settlement. Perhaps I took his delaying as a sign that he might want me back, maybe he is missing me, maybe he can change and this time we could work through the layers of crap/lies/deceit. Or maybe I had been programmed to excuse/deny/lie to myself for so long accepting the whole truth is fricken hard. So whilst I have been moving my life forward when this legal settlement is done I think I will finally feel completely free of him and able to truly move forward unencumbered, without that lingering sense of a gossamer tentacle of hope.
Maybe its my way of processing and accepting just how impossible R would be for me, now that I have rediscovered my self respect, should it ever come up. Part of it is the breaking of a previously established pattern I think. X and I have parted ways twice over the 16 year duration for about 6 months each time until final DD in Nov 12 when I could lie to myself no more. I think its starting to sink in that this time its really, truly over for good and on the logical level I am okay with that. Scratch that, I am not just okay with it rather I have realised it is essential, I know to my bones the relationship was unhealthy for me and I am realising with the distance and independence just how much I lost by being the doormat/supportive partner. I do not want that again. I will not tolerate that again.
Perhaps its my ego wishing for him to want to reconcile so that I can shoot it down. I think I have more musing to do over why I feel I need to think these thoughts so that I am ‘prepared’ should the R discussion ever materialise. I think I need to accept that it wont materialise, he didn’t really ever love me, it was a sick and twisted game with payback being his main motivation. Hard part is accepting that I was an active participant in that sick game. He even admitted that he had been punishing me because I broke up with him 3 or so months into the relationship. He had never forgiven me for that according to him. So 15 and a half years later he tells me this. I felt it, every single day. Why didn’t I stand up for myself…..
Maybe it really does just boil down to wanting an apology and recognition of his multiple fuck ups and deliberate cruelty.
Not going to happen, I need to accept and release that hope.
Thanks again for being here SI family. At least I have stopped lashing out to him with words he will never understand and feelings he doesn’t deserve to know I have.